#pray – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Great Expectations

People will fail you. Throughout your lifetime, every person with whom you are close will fall short in your eyes in some way. This includes your mother and father, sisters and brothers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, friends and coworkers, priests, pastors, and religious, even acquaintances. Bob Marley is quoted as saying, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Everyone. I believe that is 100% accurate.

I do not say this to be negative, crass, or judgmental. I say it simply because it is true. The sooner this fact is understood and accepted, the better our lives will be. You also need to realize that you play a big role in this equation. You are part of the reason people will fail you. In most cases, you are the very reason that people disappoint you.

My newest coworker, of whom I have no expectations and who has no expectations of me.

We are human, all of us. And we are all different. Some of us are empathetic (I generally am not), some of us are compassionate (I probably fall short there too), some of us are sympathetic, some of us are generous, some of us are kind, some of us are sentimental, some of us are carefree, some of us are thoughtful; some of us are understanding, and the list goes on. Everyone has a unique personality; we all react to and handle situations differently.

There are hundreds of different tests you can take to help identify your personality type, behavioral profile, or how you respond to stimulus. There are personality tests (like Myers-Briggs), predictive index assessments that determine your work style and how you interact with others, and tests that can tell you how you give and receive love (The 5 Love Languages). All of these tests are geared at giving us a better understanding of who we are and how we operate.

These are wonderful tools for learning about ourselves. But no matter how much we learn about our personal qualities, our characteristics, and our behaviors, we all inevitably create expectations for ourselves and others. So, what about expectations?

We often have great expectations about people, more specifically people who are close to us. This can include how they should react to a circumstance, what they should say in response to a conversation, or how they should behave in a specific situation. These expectations leave us wondering why someone did not say something that we needed to hear or do something that we would have done if we were in their shoes. Expecting something to happen will not make it happen. When reality does not meet our expectations, we are left wondering why. Therefore, expectations can lead to disappointment.

Listen to the 1993 hit song Hey Jealousy, by the Gin Blossoms. There is a great line in that song, “if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.” We can learn so much from that one line.

There is also a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” We tend to harbor resentment when someone does not live up to our expectations. Expectations are the root cause of why people fail you. Expectations lead to disappointment. Expectations can kill relationships. Expectations.

My son and his dog. Nevaeh never has any expectations.

While I try not to have expectations of people, I fail daily. I have to remind myself that expectations rarely have positive outcomes. They lead to hurt feelings, anger, frustration, disillusionment, and bitterness. Eventually you are going to be let down. Eventually you are going to let someone else down, all because of expectations.

You know who does not have expectations? God. Nothing you do will ever surprise God. You can never let Him down. He will never be angry at you or wish that you did something differently. God will just love you. Incidentally, dogs are the very same way (Is it a coincidence that God spelled backwards is dog? I think not.)

So today, let go of expectations. Turn your attention to God when those anticipated outcomes begin to fill your head and ask Him for grace, patience, and understanding. Maybe adopt a shelter dog too, you will not be disappointed (unless maybe you have some preconceived notions, i.e.. expectations). And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Slay the Dragon

Today is the memorial of St. George. Born in 280 A.D., he is the patron saint of England. However, St. George is best known for the Golden Legend, which is the slaying of a dragon and saving the maiden from harm.

A version of the legend goes that in a city in North Africa, there was a body of water inhabited by a dragon. In order to appease the dragon, the townspeople offered said dragon two sheep per day. Some versions indicate that the town ran out of sheep, while other legends state the ritual changed to include a sheep and a child. In either case, eventually, this became the fate of the king’s daughter. She was to sacrifice herself for the protection of the town. While she prepared to offer herself, George passed by and killed the dragon with a single strike from his lance. That gesture is symbolic of faith triumphing over evil.

While the legend is romantic and chivalrous, St. George’s death is horrific and tragic. He was martyred by Diocletian when he professed his faith in God and renounced Roman deities. Before his torture and beheading, George gave all his possessions to the poor.

Because of Georges’ valiant behavior (fighting evil, protecting, women, generosity to the poor, deep faith, etc.), he became quite popular in Europe in the 10^th Century. During the Crusades, St. George was transformed into a holy warrior. King Richard I of England (“the Lionheart”) invoked him as the protector of soldiers and in 1348, King Edward III established the Order of the Knights of St. George.

Still, St. George is most associated with dragons and dragons are the stuff of fairy tales. C.K. Chesterton presents a different view by stating, “Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” St. George provides a shining example that dragons can be defeated.

“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”

– C.K. Chesterton

Fr. Michael gave a great homily about this at mass this morning, thus inspiring me to reflect. Do dragons exist? Yes, dragons do exist. But what are dragons? Dragons can be anything with which you struggle, like fear, depression, anxiety, grief, anger, frustration, or sadness. Your dragons might look like illness, pain, and suffering. Perhaps your dragons are breathing the fire of hatred and mistrust, or deception and pride. Our dragons can embody the seven deadly sins of pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth.

We all have dragons, multiple dragons. Some of us might even have a Hydra that torments us. When we cut off one head and think we have triumphed, that head grows back, and it is worse than before. St. George should inspire us to fight our dragons, to not lose hope, to trust, and have faith in God. St. George does teach that the dragons can be destroyed. But we cannot destroy those dragons alone. We must ask God for help.

Temptation can be a dragon. We found this $1 bill stuffed in a tree in the form of a bird. One might be tempted to take it rather than leave its beauty for others to see.

Today, trust God, ask Him for help, and slay the dragon. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Beauty and Sadness

I really try not to be preachy or outwardly judgmental. Inwardly, I tend to make judgments to myself but I desperately try to refrain from doing even that. It just leads to bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, I do it more often than I would care to admit. But I don’t preach (except maybe to my son). I tend to stay away from telling people what they should do, how they should behave, or how they should react. I may share my opinion, but I always close those conversations with something like, “you have to make the decision that is right for you.” People are free to make their own decisions, choices, and judgments. That is the beauty of free will.

However, this past week has been so incredibly and unbelievably sad. I am Catholic, and there is a magnificence and richness to the Catholic Faith. From the order of the mass, to chants and incents, to the praying of the rosary and Eucharistic adoration, there is an indescribable beauty of the faith that I cannot put into words.

By faith (not only by faith) I am Pro-life. The March for Life was recently held, and I am disappointed that it did not get greater press coverage. This is the first year where I really did not hear much about the march from any media outlets. The importance of this event is overlooked these days because it does not fit into the mainstream agenda and does not support the culture of death in which we live.

I am also quite disappointed in the leadership of the Catholic Church both locally and nationally. The Catholic Church has been under fire for quite some time and it is continuing its downward spiral because of its leadership, or lack thereof. From the defrocking of Fr. Frank Pavone to the acceptance of James Martin, whom I will never give the honor of the title of Father, as he clearly does not understand the catechesis of the Catholic Church. Our lack of strong orthodox Catholic leadership has made me so incredibly sad to live in a world that is so broken, so dark, so faithless, so lacking in love and compassion, so far from God. This is a world in which these leaders should be a beacon of light and hope, but some have become a source of darkness.

I expect more from the leaders of our Catholic Church, from the men and women who have made vows to commit their lives to the service of the body of Christ. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. While I realize these people are human; they are also men and women who have committed their lives to Christ, forsaking all others. Therefore, I believe (like many others) that they should be promoting and defending the faith, not promoting their own version of it and feeding propaganda. But the people who claim to represent the Catholic Church are not the Catholic Church. While we expect these individuals to uphold Catholic teaching, some of them are nothing more than false prophets and wolves in sheep’s clothing, leading the easily led farther away from Christ’s teaching, twisting the words of the bible to suit their agenda, and perverting its teachings.

Some of my closest friends are priests and religious sisters. Their faithfulness has deepened my relationship with God and strengthened my Catholic faith.

While the times may have changed, God has not. The Bible has not; Jesus’s teaching has not. Read John chapter 8. Jesus forgives the woman who commits adultery. But he doesn’t forgive her and tell her it’s okay to go and commit the same sin again. He tells her to “Go your way, and from now on do not sin again”. That teaching has not changed. The Catechism of the Catholic Church has not changed.

Catholicism is an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t get to pick and choose what parts of it you want to believe and what teachings you will follow. If you’re Catholic, you need to be all in and align your life with the teachings of the Catholic Church – the church, not the people who claim to represent the Church. That is what I must constantly remind myself and others. It is not the Church that is the problem, it is those who claim to represent the Church. The Catechesis of the Catholic Church is pretty clear in detailing Catholic beliefs if you actually take time to read it.

This morning during my morning prayer, I read the passage “see that no one among you has a faithless heart.” – Hebrews 3:12. It really struck me because that line sums up exactly where we are in the Catholic Church, in America, in the world for that matter, right now. We (as a whole) are a faithless society. We have a faithless heart when we don’t treat each other with equality and justice. We have a faithless heart when we twist things to suit our own agenda. We have a faithless heart when we sign legalized murder into legislation. We have a faithless heart when fail to protect the innocent. We have a faithless heart when we cheer for and applaud a culture of death. We have a faithless heart when we interpret the gospel to suit our own needs.

Today I am sad, sad to the point that my heart hurts. Sad to the point that I am re-evaluating friendships because I can no longer deal with the negativity and hate that fills the hearts of so many people. Today I am sad because we have failed to protect the vulnerable, the defenseless, and the innocent; we have failed to protect life. We have failed as a society and as a human race. I am sad because we place more value on the agendas of the elite than on the dignity of the person, on feelings rather than facts. We accept lies and manipulation but won’t accept the Truth given to us by God.

Although I am sad, I am hopeful because God is in control (even when it seems like He might not be). And I will continue to pray and be faithful to God because God makes all things new. (Revelations 21:5). So today, hold on to hope and remember that God is in control, even when, or especially when, we really don’t see it. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Judgment

I have been reading the gospel of Mark lately. Mark’s gospel begins with the baptism of our Lord Jesus Christ. It doesn’t begin with His genealogy and birth, like Matthew and Luke, but with His ministry. Much of the gospel of Mark talks about how Jesus was judged for his actions, for the people with whom is associated, or for not honoring the letter of the law.

Here is a man who is healing people. He starts with the man with the unclean spirit, then proceeds to heal Peter’s mother-in-law. So, what do they do, they bring other people to Jesus to be healed. What a sign of faith! And people began to seek out Jesus (that is something we should all be continuing to do today). “And he went throughout Galilee, proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons.” Mark 1:39.

Jesus then heals the leper and the paralytic. He continues to preach and teach. He is doing good work, and the judgment begins. How often do we judge people by their actions without knowing the entire story? How often do we judge people based on their circle of friends without even knowing anything about those individuals, only on what we’ve “heard” about them? How often do we adhere to the letter of law but fail to act in the spirit of the law? Everything is not always what it seems to be. Not everyone is who or what we have been told they are. Not everything is black and white, there are a million nuances of gray.

I am guilty of all of those things, and I am guilty of them daily. I am not proud of that statement, but it is entirely true. It is entirely too easy to make decisions about people, situations, or circumstances without having all the information. We see this in the news and on social media. Unfortunately, we are bombarded with lies, falsities, opinions, propaganda, etc. because of the availability of and access to technology. What we see and experience affects us, and we don’t always take time to find the facts before reacting. Of this, I am also guilty.

Maybe we need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Maybe we need to realize that there are other factors that are at play and that we don’t have the entire scenario or the complete story. Maybe we need to stop and think of ways that we can help rather than hinder and replace judgment with compassion.

Maybe today we can be just a little bit kinder, a little more empathetic, a little bit humbler, a little more respectful. Maybe today we can look for Jesus in one another, maybe we can be Jesus to one another, and maybe just be a little bit better than we were yesterday. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Humble, Grateful, Blessed

Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.

Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.

I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.

Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended

If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.

Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.

My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa

This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.

I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.

We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.

My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.

So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

New Year’s Resolutions (Promises)

Have you ever made a promise? Have you made promises to your family, to your friends, and even to yourself? Have you been able to keep those promises?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, as a noun, a promise means a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified or a legally binding declaration that gives the person to whom it is made a right to expect or to claim the performance or forbearance of a specified act. As a verb, it is to pledge to do, bring about, or provide; to assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something; undertake or declare that something will happen or give good grounds for expecting (a particular occurrence or situation). We tend to make a lot of promises or make resolutions, particularly as we enter a new year.

A promise is a pretty big deal, but do we treat it as such? We likely make promises of some sort every day to our family and friends; like promising to call, promising to text, promising to get together. How often do we make such promises and then simply forget? I don’t have enough fingers to count the times I have done this; promising my Mom I would call her when I got home but then simply forgetting to do so. Or promising a friend I would text them about getting together but never got around to it.

What about work promises? Have you ever promised to review a document, send an email, make a phone call, or do some research, but then it just never seems to get done? I did this just a few weeks ago, twice to the same person. I promised I would look up some information when I got home and email it to the person. Then I forgot. When she called the next day about it, I apologized because I had forgotten, and I told her I would do it that night when I got home. Guess what, I forgot again. I didn’t intend to break the promise, but I did. Fortunately, my friend is very understanding and did not take my forgetfulness personally.

But what about other promises, promises we make to ourselves, those New Year Resolutions? Have you ever promised yourself you would wake up early to do something constructive (read, work out, run, write, etc.), but when your alarm goes off, you hit snooze, roll over and go right back to sleep? Or what about eating healthier? Ever make that promise to yourself, vowing to pack your lunch for work rather than eat out? Then the next day your coworkers are all going out to lunch and that packed lunch stays in the refrigerator at work.

And what about promises that other people make to you? Your friends promise they will call you and let you know what the plans are for the weekend, but then they go out without you. What about when a family member makes a promise to keep a secret, then tells other family members that very secret that they had sworn to keep? It hurts when someone breaks a promise. It hurts, even more, when it is someone that you love.

A promise is a serious commitment, and it is one commitment that I find people (myself included) oftentimes have a difficult time keeping. But you know who always keeps His promise? God. God always keeps his promises to us. Always.

There are an estimated 8,810 promises in the bible that God makes to us. To each and every one of us. God promises success, confidence, health, prosperity, strength, wisdom, and so much more. God also promises salvation, forgiveness, the assurance of answered prayers, and that He will never abandon us. So, although people fail to keep their promises (me included), God never will. Never.

“Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me and I will be delivered…” Psalm 119:116-117

“I will listen to what God the Lord says; He promises peace to his people, his faithful servants-.” Psalms 85:8

So, today, if you make a promise (or a resolution), make every effort to hold true to that promise. If someone makes a promise to you but does not uphold that commitment, try to be forgiving and remember that God is always faithful. God will keep His promise, even when we may not see or understand it, God is with us. Always. Even when we might not recognize it. So put your trust in Him who keeps His promises. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Wounds

I had some foot surgery just over two weeks ago. When I scheduled the surgery, I didn’t really think much of it. It was just routine surgery to correct a joint impingement, no big deal. Just a couple of days off my feet, no cast, no boot, just some rest and reduced activity. It was outpatient, scheduled at 8:30am, and I was home by 12:30pm.

My son drove me home and I propped my foot up. I was still a bit groggy from the anesthesia and I dozed on and off on the sofa until the painkiller wore off. Once it wore off, well let’s just say that I finally realized the impact of my surgery. My foot hurt. And it hurt pretty badly. So, I decided to take a look at said foot. It was wrapped in a bloody bandage that I was not allowed to remove for 5 days. And the really great news (this is sarcasm) was that I was not allowed to shower. Not allowed to shower?!?! Really? I shower daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. This was going to be rough.

I know you have to clean and dress your wounds in order for them to heal. But that bandage would be staying in place until I went back to the doctor for my post-op follow-up. But as I was pondering cleaning and dressing wounds in order for them to heal, I realized that everybody has wounds beyond the physical, into the mental, emotional, and spiritual.

At some point in life, everyone has experienced some deep injury that has caused heart-wrenching pain. Everybody has been wounded. But a lot of time we choose to deny that these wounds exist, or we ignore them in hopes that they will simply go away. Other times we throw salt on those wounds and exacerbate them to a point where they cause greater agony now than when first inflicted. And sometimes we just slowly pick at them until they become raw and unbearable, never able to properly heal.

The day the bandage came off…gross, I know

Everybody deals with wounds differently. Rarely do we care for those wounds properly. This could be caused by fear, pride, weakness, vanity, anxiety, arrogance, lack of confidence, and the list goes on.

What I learned today is that we need to care for those wounds, even if that means we have to ask for help in doing so. Healing of wounds requires compassion, honesty, trust and vulnerability, a willingness to open yourself up to others and connect. It also requires patience and understanding and the ability to forgive – to forgive others and to forgive yourself.

Today, be kind to yourself, be open to being vulnerable, be patient and practice forgiveness, and may any old wounds with which you may be struggling be healed. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Transcendentalism, Existentialism, and Amor Fati

My husband shared a Latin phrase with me just yesterday, “Amor Fati”, which means love your fate. I had recognized the phrase immediately and thought it was connected in some way with Friedrich Nietzsche.

You see, late in my high school career and early into my college pursuits, I enjoyed philosophy and read quite a bit. Transcendentalism was my favorite philosophical theory when I was 17. I read Henry David Thoreau’s, Walden “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately …and when I came to die, discover that I had not lived…I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” (Dead Poets Society, is one of my all-time favorite movies.) I read Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I was definitely a non-conformist in high school, so Emerson’s tenets resonated with me. I studied Immanuel Kant and eventually wrote a paper on his philosophies for a class in high school. Fr. Orsini, one of my high school religion teachers, was also studying Kant for a college course at the same time. We would have great discussions about his theories. He even read my paper before I turned it in, he was so interested (or seemed to be) in my perspective.

I also enjoyed Existentialism, dabbling in the works Friedrich Nietzsche and occasionally Jean-Paul Sartre and Soren Kierkegaard. So I guess, maybe that’s why the phrases familiarity was buried deep within my subconscious.

When Todd shared with me the phrase, its meaning, and that he was considering it as the basis for his next tattoo, I totally bogarted the idea. The significance behind it resounded with where I am right now and how I have been approaching all of the chaos that has been my life, our life. I totally understood why he wanted it. It was a great idea, it meant something; but now I wanted it too. That is okay, we have a few tattoos that are either exactly the same, or very similar, in meaning and design. That is one of the benefits of being married to your best friend.

Amor Fati is a term used to describe an attitude of acceptance; accepting everything in your life – including the pain, suffering and loss, – as good or at least necessary and with a purpose. I believe that very thing, but with a more faithful aspect. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God uses the struggles, trials, and anguish to reach out to us, to speak to us and to draw us closer to Him. God doesn’t waste anything.
It was that “philosophy” that has gotten me through the trails, particularly of the past couple of years. There had to be a reason, a purpose for the pain, or else why would it be happening. Why would it be necessary? I decided to accept each moment, each challenge, each obstacle with open arms and embrace it. I thought maybe if I loved it enough (or at least to the best of my ability) it wouldn’t be so difficult. Maybe if I could find the joy within it and the grace to accept it, I could better deal with it. Maybe these things, that I never wanted to have happen, would bring about something greater that I could not see from my current perspective.

I know that life has been challenging for all of us, particularly in the midst of COVID19 and the uncertainty that it brings with it, not to mention the protests and riots, the political climate, and the division we see across our great nation. Those are the challenges that we all face, in addition to our own individual personal challenges. But all of it, ALL OF IT, has some greater purpose. We just don’t know what that is right now.

Marcus Aurelius once stated that “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown in it.” What a fantastic way to look at life. Again, God doesn’t waste anything. Oxygen fuels fire, right? Maybe challenges fuel possibility.

So today, embrace the challenges, fuel your endless possibilities, and love your fate. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Miracles, Gratitude and Life During the Pandemic

I have taken the shelter in place/stay at home order pretty seriously since it was instituted in mid-March. I have to; I am now considered to be in one of those high-risk groups since I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.

I will admit, I was not too excited when the schools closed, then the restaurants were ordered to serve take-out only, then the hair salons were shut down along with all other businesses that are considered non-essential. T.J Maxx is one of my favorite places to which to escape and engage in a little retail therapy. I thought it was a bit ridiculous, too precautious, a little bit over the top. In my opinion, it was overkill. But as things progressed and the coronavirus continued to spread rapidly, I began to understand, heed the warnings, and take the recommended precautions.

I have been working from home since Monday March 16^th. That was my last official day in the office. That was day I transferred my office at the high school to the dining room table in my home. It was also the same evening that we adopted a fourth dog – Bailey, a Staffordshire terrier puppy (we think) who was about 3 months old when we brought her home. My husband and I figured, since we both would be working from home for the next month, this would be the perfect time to add a new puppy to our pack.

That first week of the shelter in place order, I kind of took it seriously. I stayed home more, but still went to the store often, went into the office to pick up mail, etc. and even stopped to see my mom and show her my new puppy. Then there was a confirmed case in our county and things got real. I made it a point to stay home and avoid unnecessary contact with people. I began planning weekly meals so I could limit my grocery shopping to only once a week (or longer when possible). I began ordering more products on-line, including items for our pets and general necessities like laundry detergent and paper towels. The stay at home order took on a whole new meaning.

Staying healthy has become a bit of an obsession for me. I am preparing nutrient rich, vegetable heavy dinners, working out daily, and walking the dogs approximately 5 miles every day. While I hope I do not appear rude during those walks, I have been very conscious of social distancing and will not get close to my neighbors when we do have conversations. And I try to limit any face to face social discourse. I nearly had a panic attack when a neighbor walked into our yard to comment on the fence project my husband and son took on during the pandemic. He was just a little too close for me.

Greek chicken and roasted spring vegetables

I have rescheduled all doctor’s appointments and avoid the grocery store when I anticipate that it will be busy. I have taken advantage of the special shopping hours available for the elderly and those who are a higher risk. I never thought that would be the case, but it is. And if at any time I begin to feel even remotely ill, I tackle it head on. That usually means, hot tea, a good stiff shot, extra vitamin C, and more rest.

Overall, as a family, I think we have adjusted well to life during the pandemic. As I mentioned before, I am appreciating this slower pace, more time with family, the opportunities to connect with friends, the meaningful conversations, the chance to declutter a bit in all aspects of our lives.

But today, today was the first day that I ventured out of the house and into the school in nearly four weeks. While I have been successfully working from home, there were a few things that I just could not accomplish remotely. I went in after virtual morning mass and arrived just before 9am. When I arrived, I found our Assistant Principal at work in her office. It was a bit surreal to be in the building on a weekday, during the school year, without any teachers or staff present. Actually, it was downright weird. We exchanged some pleasantries, from an acceptable social distance, then I set off to handle the tasks that I come in to complete.

It took about 2 hours to get my work done. About 1 hour into it, I took a break and walked down to the chapel. The door was open, the chancel candle was lit, the Missal was opened on the altar, and the lectionary was on the pulpit. Everything was in order as if we would be celebrating mass together that very day. But we were not. I went in and sat down. I had begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet with our chaplain and campus minister on Instagram, but when I got to the chapel, I lost the connection. So, I just sat in the chapel quietly with God for a while, said a silent prayer, then returned to my office to complete the tasks at hand.

Before I finished at the school, I spoke with our accounting clerk who came in to handle some financial matters. Our offices are adjacent, and she is kind enough to drop off materials weekly at my house that I need to do my job. Once I finished at the school, I left for the post office then I would return to my office at the dining room table to make some phone calls and send some emails.

When I left the post office, I had this incredible urge to stop at Holy Family Church, my home parish. I had not been in the church since the weekend before the stay at home order was executed. It felt good to be back. I was completely alone in the church, well just me and God. (While there are no public services, the Catholic Churches are still open to provide places of prayer and reflection for the faithful.)

Now, I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive for stopping. Our parish often has “The Word Among Us” publications available for the parishioners. I has hoping to pick up a copy as I like to follow along with the readings and Gospel during daily mass. I also enjoy the daily reflections and stories. The last publication ran through Easter Sunday. I walked in and checked the table where Monsignor normally places the booklets, but there were none there. I was not sure if there would be any booklets because of the strangeness of these times. I proceeded into the church, sat down, and read the daily reflections in the Laudate app on my phone and prayed for a while.

I got up to leave, grateful for that time in church. I did not realize just how much I missed it until I walked through the doors. As I was walking out, there on the very table that I had checked when I came in was one copy of the new “The Word Among Us”! Yes, it was a miracle. Yes, it was something that I needed, and God knew it. Yes, it was amazing. Yes, it took my breath away. As I picked it up, I thanked God for my little journey out into the real world today. I thanked Him for the work that I had to do, the tasks that I needed to complete at the school. I thanked Him for the few interactions that I had with coworkers and that time of quiet in the chapel. I thanked Him for my parish, my priests (all of them), and for that booklet that just appeared. I thanked Him for all of the blessings in my life, especially the ones that I never really noticed until I was forced to slow down, stay indoors, and shelter in place.

So today, be grateful for all the blessings, all of the little miracles, and remember to thank God. He really is there. And while you can never surprise Him, He just might surprise you when you least expect it. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Praise You in this Storm

I attended the Casting Crowns show in Wheeling, WV on Saturday March 7, 2020 with my husband. It was my first Christian concert.

We kind of decided last minute to attend. I had marked the event as “interested” on Facebook a couple of months earlier but never committed to purchase tickets. Then on Friday February 28th, we made the decision to go. We also made the decision to purchase the VIP tickets, having no real idea of what the VIP tickets included.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised when we arrived and were ushered into a Q&A session and were able to sit right in the front row. I enjoyed how the band shared their stories, interacted with audience, and encouraged people to share how the band’s music or a particular song has influenced them.

A lot of people shared, and it was wonderful to hear their stories. I am not one for publicly sharing those types of things, so I declined to participate. But I am pretty good at sharing things in writing, and I have been reflecting on that show and that entire evening. (Matthew West was the opening act and he was very inspiring as well)

If you have read any of my previous posts, you likely know that I was born and raised Catholic, having attended Catholic grade school, high school and college. I have spent most of my career working for Catholic organization. However, I was not really a practicing Catholic. In fact, I had fallen away from organized religion in the later part of my high school career. In college, my beliefs and practices really didn’t matter. Although I attended a small Catholic college, it was quite liberal and there was no real emphasis on faith.

A few years after graduation, I was hired by a Catholic university. So, I faked it. I pretended to be a practicing Catholic; I would periodically attend a Sunday service just so people would see me. I would feign involvement in conferences and events and attend retreats and workshops. I did it, but I didn’t really enjoy it and I didn’t really believe it. It was all a facade. I lived like that for the better part of 25 years.

Jump ahead to December 2015, I was offered a job with a community of religious sisters. It was the first time in my life I really felt that God was calling me to something. And I truly could not explain it because I did not have any kind of relationship with Him. But I accepted it. Accepting that position eventually changed my life, not just my prayer life and faith life, but everything. It changed my relationship with God.

Now don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen all at once. It wasn’t like flipping a switch. It was gradual, over the course of a few years. And it was little things that helped to bring me back, that helped me find my way back to God, back to prayer, back to my faith. And I honestly loved my job with those sisters.

So, when I lost my job in May of 2019, I was a little blindsided. I really didn’t see it coming, and I could not understand why God would do such a thing right at that moment. I was unemployed. I don’t think I have even been unemployed. That is when I first heard the song Praise You in This Storm.

I asked Alexa to play praise and worship music and this was the first song that came on. It just struck me immediately. I think I may have cried (please don’t tell anybody). I had no idea what God was doing in my life, but He knew. I just needed to trust Him.

The entire year of 2019 was challenging. My father had passed away in 2018. At the beginning of 2019, a good friend from college died after a short bout with glioblastoma. It was surprising to say the least. And it left me wondering “why?” Then I began going through a series of tests for heart and breathing issues which the doctors could not understand. My blood pressure and resting heart were extremely elevated, and I was constantly short of breath. The tests spanned several months and included EKG’s, cardiac stress tests, cardiac catheterization, CT scans, etc. You name it, they did it. Everything was normal, my heart was in excellent condition and blood oxygen was at 100%. Then I got a call that there were some concerns with the CT scan, not with regard to my heart, but to some “spots” that had shown up in my right lung and right breast. I began seeing a pulmonologist (who said it was nothing to be concerned about) and I was ordered to have another mammogram.

By this time, it was October. I had recently had a mammogram in late April which revealed nothing remarkable. They wanted another one, just to be safe. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 6th. The song Praise You in This Storm took on a whole new meaning.

I am finding that in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, it as taken on yet another new meaning. We are dealing with chaos and uncertainty. There is concern and even worry, but the Bible tells us; “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for al that he has done.” Philippians 4:6.

I am currently reading The Fifth Mountain by Paul Coehlo (as well as a few other books) and this passage struck me:

“Everything will happen as was written by the Lord. There are moments when tribulations occur in our lives, and we cannot avoid them. But they are for some reason.”
“What Reason?”
“That is the question we cannot answer before or even during the trials. Only when we have overcome them do we understand why they were there.”
The Fifth Mountain, Paul Coelho

That is where we are right now. So today, Praise God, even (or maybe especially) during this crazy storm, these unsettling times and this unsure future. He is in control and He has a greater plan. He is waiting for us to turn to Him, to put our trust and our faith in Him; we have shut Him out for far too long. “Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindness; and he relents from doing harm.” Joel 2:13.

Please pray for all of those who are working to battle this pandemic, those who are serving the ones who are afflicted with the virus, and those who are battling the virus as well as their families. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.