Tag: #helpless

Humble, Grateful, Blessed

Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.

Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.

My lovely slinged arm

I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.

Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended

If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.

Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.

My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa

This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.

I have been reading a lot.

I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.

We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.

My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.

So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

Joy Begins With Thanks

I am in Louisiana. When I travel, I rarely sleep well. Last night was no exception. I awoke no fewer than half a dozen times, and actually had the same nightmare twice. I don’t really know what that means, but I will admit that it was a bit unnerving. And each time I woke up, I had difficulty falling back to sleep, be it a result of said nightmares or the fact that I had a million thoughts racing through my head.

So when my alarm went off this morning to get me up for mass, I was dazed and seriously considered just skipping it today. I mean I am traveling alone, certainly God has no expectation for me to drive to a church I don’t know in a town of which I am not familiar on a Wednesday morning. But I rolled out of bed, showered, got coffee, and went to mass.

I attended mass at St. Clement of Rome in Metairie, Louisiana today and I am so glad that I went. The readings have been from the Book of Jonah. Now I can’t say that I have really paid much attention to the Book of Jonah in the past, but right now, it’s really catching my attention. I mean, Jonah is really kind of jerk when you examine the readings. This is a guy who is mad because God is being merciful to the Ninevites. “Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry that God did not carry out the evil He threatened against Nineveh.” Wow!

The priest at St. Clement gave a wonderful homily on this reading today. He indicated Jonah was miserable and wanted everyone else to miserable with him. He was not grateful for all that Lord had done for him. He was so angry that God did not punish the Ninevites that had failed to see the mercy and grace that God had bestowed upon him as well. Father closed his homily by stating that “gratitude is the key to joy in this life.”

“Gratitude is the key to joy in this life”

-stated during the homily at St. Clement of Rome morning mass 10/9/19

So I don’t think it was any coincidence that when I left mass, I checked my “memories” of Facebook. Exactly one year ago this is what I wrote while traveling with the Reverend Mother in California.

I am wrapping up the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp, which I highly recommend. I am certain I will have finished it before this week ends. While reading this morning, I came across this one excerpt that has impacted me, “While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things because He knows that the feeling of joy begins with the action of thanksgiving.” Think about that for a moment and really let it sink in…joy begins with thanks.

Joy begins with thanks.

I have this quote written on a chalk board in my office that says “Before we ask God for anything, we must first thank Him for everything.” I wrote that down early in 2018, when my father was hospitalized and I discovered that my sister had cancer. The beginning of 2018 was a very trying time and I needed that reminder – to be thankful. It was a very difficult period and it was so easy to get angry and discouraged. I certainly didn’t see God’s plan or understand the purpose for those events. I needed to remind myself that I had so much for which to be grateful.

Watching a parent slowly die and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it makes you feel so helpless. Knowing that your sister is fighting a battle that you cannot comprehend makes you feel so small and insignificant. All I could do was pray. I prayed for healing and peace for my sister and I prayed for strength and recovery for my dad.

I remember the day I moved from praying for a full recovery for my dad to praying for a peaceful death. That was the hardest transition I think I may have ever made. I was trying desperately to find the goodness in his suffering. I was not in a place of thanksgiving. I was angry, I was frustrated, I was discouraged, I was questioning, I was depressed. It was not supposed to happen like this. But I continued to pray and in those moments of prayer, I felt a sense of peace, even if it was fleeting. Memories of wonderful times came rushing back to give me comfort.

One memory for which I am thankful, that very last game of gin that I got to play with my dad before he got so sick. It was a grudge match that went on forever. We played it on a hospital tray table at Trinity East where he was in rehab from his hip surgery. We talked and joked and laughed through the whole game. My mom was there too, which makes it even more special. It is a memory that I cherish and one of the last times that we really got to share quality time together.

While I miss him every day, I am thankful for all of the wonderful memories and all his sometimes humorous words of wisdom (especially when watching Wheel of Fortune – don’t buy a vowel, you dummy). And while my sister still has a long road ahead of her, I am grateful that she is on the road to recovery and has essentially beat cancer. But let’s be honest, cancer didn’t stand a chance because my sister is a bad ass.

Blessed Solanus Casey used to say “Thank God ahead of time.” I keep this in the forefront of everything. Today, take time to cherish those special memories that you hold deep in your heart and remember to thank God first. Gratitude is the path to joy. Thank you, Lord, for all that this day has in store.

Please Pray for me and I will continue to pray for you