#healing – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Beauty in the Brokenness

I love the way the autumn sunlight pours through the windows in the morning, the unadulterated rectangles of light drawing out across the floor. My dogs and cat love it, too. I will frequently find them sprawled out in the warmth of the rays, bellies exposed, eyes closed, drifting into a morning or afternoon nap. It is quite perfect. That ray of sunlight is quite perfect, unbroken, and whole, spreading its radiance and warmth in one place. The unblemished windowpane is pristine; the light is unfiltered and whole.

Have you ever seen a broken windowpane where the glass is cracked in a spiderweb of fissures? One where the window looks like a puzzle of shards, and we are unsure of how it is still held together. We hurry to replace the broken glass because it obstructs our view and interferes with the light. It’s not so pretty, or is it?

Photo by Thilina Alagiyawanna on Pexels.com

That broken glass lets the sunlight in but in a different manner. It refracts the light in another way that makes it bounce all over the place, allowing brightness to pierce areas of darkness that the daylight would have never reached if not for the cracks in the glass. The glass’s imperfections and brokenness are used to share illumination, dancing prisms moving in a dazzling performance to other areas that otherwise would not have enjoyed light from the perfect window. The fractures in the glass spread light in a beautiful and supernatural way, permeating dark areas with its radiant light and warm glow.

It’s funny, we often don’t see the beauty of broken things, of things that are to be discarded, thrown away, and trashed. The irony is that each and every one of us is broken in some way, and we are always looking for ways to repair, replace, or hide our brokenness. But those broken areas are where some of the most incredible beauty lies. But in trying to fix it or keep it concealed from the rest of the world, we don’t share that beauty with others. Our own brokenness just might be a light for someone else, but we become so embarrassed, so concerned about appearances and what others might think, we hide it. We lose our light.

While we all want to heal our own brokenness (and we should), our brokenness may actually help heal someone else. Our imperfections may help somebody else realize they’re not as broken as they thought, that there are others out there like them, and that it is okay. Use your imperfections and brokenness to help others shine, and you might just find out that you’re helping yourself heal. Sharing often leads to support, which often leads directly to healing. God doesn’t waste anything.

In A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway wrote, “The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” I, for one, believe this to be true. But I also believe that power and healing comes from sharing your brokenness for the benefit of others; therein lies your strength.

So today, find the beauty in the brokenness, embrace your imperfections, and share your struggles with someone else. You have no idea how that might benefit both of you. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Judgment

I have been reading the gospel of Mark lately. Mark’s gospel begins with the baptism of our Lord Jesus Christ. It doesn’t begin with His genealogy and birth, like Matthew and Luke, but with His ministry. Much of the gospel of Mark talks about how Jesus was judged for his actions, for the people with whom is associated, or for not honoring the letter of the law.

Here is a man who is healing people. He starts with the man with the unclean spirit, then proceeds to heal Peter’s mother-in-law. So, what do they do, they bring other people to Jesus to be healed. What a sign of faith! And people began to seek out Jesus (that is something we should all be continuing to do today). “And he went throughout Galilee, proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons.” Mark 1:39.

Jesus then heals the leper and the paralytic. He continues to preach and teach. He is doing good work, and the judgment begins. How often do we judge people by their actions without knowing the entire story? How often do we judge people based on their circle of friends without even knowing anything about those individuals, only on what we’ve “heard” about them? How often do we adhere to the letter of law but fail to act in the spirit of the law? Everything is not always what it seems to be. Not everyone is who or what we have been told they are. Not everything is black and white, there are a million nuances of gray.

I am guilty of all of those things, and I am guilty of them daily. I am not proud of that statement, but it is entirely true. It is entirely too easy to make decisions about people, situations, or circumstances without having all the information. We see this in the news and on social media. Unfortunately, we are bombarded with lies, falsities, opinions, propaganda, etc. because of the availability of and access to technology. What we see and experience affects us, and we don’t always take time to find the facts before reacting. Of this, I am also guilty.

Maybe we need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Maybe we need to realize that there are other factors that are at play and that we don’t have the entire scenario or the complete story. Maybe we need to stop and think of ways that we can help rather than hinder and replace judgment with compassion.

Maybe today we can be just a little bit kinder, a little more empathetic, a little bit humbler, a little more respectful. Maybe today we can look for Jesus in one another, maybe we can be Jesus to one another, and maybe just be a little bit better than we were yesterday. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Wounds

I had some foot surgery just over two weeks ago. When I scheduled the surgery, I didn’t really think much of it. It was just routine surgery to correct a joint impingement, no big deal. Just a couple of days off my feet, no cast, no boot, just some rest and reduced activity. It was outpatient, scheduled at 8:30am, and I was home by 12:30pm.

My son drove me home and I propped my foot up. I was still a bit groggy from the anesthesia and I dozed on and off on the sofa until the painkiller wore off. Once it wore off, well let’s just say that I finally realized the impact of my surgery. My foot hurt. And it hurt pretty badly. So, I decided to take a look at said foot. It was wrapped in a bloody bandage that I was not allowed to remove for 5 days. And the really great news (this is sarcasm) was that I was not allowed to shower. Not allowed to shower?!?! Really? I shower daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. This was going to be rough.

I know you have to clean and dress your wounds in order for them to heal. But that bandage would be staying in place until I went back to the doctor for my post-op follow-up. But as I was pondering cleaning and dressing wounds in order for them to heal, I realized that everybody has wounds beyond the physical, into the mental, emotional, and spiritual.

At some point in life, everyone has experienced some deep injury that has caused heart-wrenching pain. Everybody has been wounded. But a lot of time we choose to deny that these wounds exist, or we ignore them in hopes that they will simply go away. Other times we throw salt on those wounds and exacerbate them to a point where they cause greater agony now than when first inflicted. And sometimes we just slowly pick at them until they become raw and unbearable, never able to properly heal.

The day the bandage came off…gross, I know

Everybody deals with wounds differently. Rarely do we care for those wounds properly. This could be caused by fear, pride, weakness, vanity, anxiety, arrogance, lack of confidence, and the list goes on.

What I learned today is that we need to care for those wounds, even if that means we have to ask for help in doing so. Healing of wounds requires compassion, honesty, trust and vulnerability, a willingness to open yourself up to others and connect. It also requires patience and understanding and the ability to forgive – to forgive others and to forgive yourself.

Today, be kind to yourself, be open to being vulnerable, be patient and practice forgiveness, and may any old wounds with which you may be struggling be healed. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Worn Pews

Summer has thrown me from my normal schedule. Well actually, if I am being honest, I was thrown off my schedule way back in April when I had surgery with some unexpected complications. My days have not really been normal since then. First it was due to recovery. Then it was due to exhaustion, which I attributed to recovery. Then school wrapped up and schedules changed, my husband was home (he is a teacher) and my son started getting up before 5am (he started a summer internship). So, my schedule changed again to adapt to the changes in our household.

My normal morning of attending mass at 7:15am at the monastery changed. They made their mass time later which had an impact again on my schedule. So, I began attending the 7am mass at Holy Rosary this summer. I do not make it every day, unfortunately. Somedays, I work from home, so I sleep a little later because I am still quite tired. Somedays I attend the later mass at the Monastery. And somedays I go to the 8am mass at Blessed Sacrament or Holy Family. But most days, I go to Holy Rosary.

First Grade at Holy Rosary Central Grade School circa. 1979

One day last week, I had noticed that the top of the pew in front of me was quite worn and smooth. The oak finish had been completely rubbed off and revealed the smooth lighter natural wood beneath it. When I saw this I began to think of all the people who had knelt behind that pew offering prayers for their family, friends and loved ones; for world peace and for the church, for a return to moral values and an end to abortion, for good sense, truth, and justice from our elected officials, for healing from illness, and for lost sheep to return to the church and to God, and for a million other things that people pray for.

I thought about all of the students who attended mass at Holy Rosary and their simple and honest prayers. I was once one of those students, decades ago in the school uniform, praying for my dog Ralph not to be dead. He was hit by a car when I was nine years old. It was sad and traumatic, so much so that I still remember that day and that date very clearly. It was May 3, 1981. He was my first dog and I still think of him to this day. I thought about all of the teachers who took those students to mass. I thought about all of the priests who offered mass. And then I thought about that pew again.

Me and Ralph (yes, I am wearing a KISS shirt) circa. 1980

That worn pew made me think of myself. I am worn, I feel tired, I feel troubled, and sometimes I feel lost. But mostly, at least lately, I feel worn out. I feel a lot like that pew. The last few years have been a bit challenging, particularly with regard to my health. And while I am cancer free, I still have to be vigilant about it because it can return. I have had my fill of cancer. I have had several friends battle breast cancer, and win. But I have also lost two friends’ to glioblastoma. That has been difficult.

Dug up this picture from college (I’m in the middle). Michelle, on the far right died from glioblastoma.
Cancer sucks!

There have been other health concerns for me and my family. There have been challenges with work, with family, with local and global issues, with the church and with the government. All of those things wear a person down. I imagine there are a lot of people who feel exactly like I do, like that worn pew.

But that worn pew is also symbolic of love, of faith, of trust and of hope. So even though I may feel worn and tired, there is no quit in me. I, too, will persevere through all of it, with love, and faith, and trust, and hope. That pew, worn and all, still is there for the faithful to rest upon and offer their prayers to a loving God, who hears and answers, just not always in the way we might want, but in the way that He had planned. God’s plans are greater and far better than our own, even when we feel tired, lost, troubled and worn.

So today, even if you are feeling worn out, stop and thank God for answering prayers, even if His answer might sometimes contribute to our tiredness and fatigue. Know that it is all part of His greater plan for us. Maybe stop in at Holy Rosary Church (or any local church) and kneel down behind an old worn-out pew and offer your own prayers. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Joy Begins With Thanks

I am in Louisiana. When I travel, I rarely sleep well. Last night was no exception. I awoke no fewer than half a dozen times, and actually had the same nightmare twice. I don’t really know what that means, but I will admit that it was a bit unnerving. And each time I woke up, I had difficulty falling back to sleep, be it a result of said nightmares or the fact that I had a million thoughts racing through my head.

So when my alarm went off this morning to get me up for mass, I was dazed and seriously considered just skipping it today. I mean I am traveling alone, certainly God has no expectation for me to drive to a church I don’t know in a town of which I am not familiar on a Wednesday morning. But I rolled out of bed, showered, got coffee, and went to mass.

I attended mass at St. Clement of Rome in Metairie, Louisiana today and I am so glad that I went. The readings have been from the Book of Jonah. Now I can’t say that I have really paid much attention to the Book of Jonah in the past, but right now, it’s really catching my attention. I mean, Jonah is really kind of jerk when you examine the readings. This is a guy who is mad because God is being merciful to the Ninevites. “Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry that God did not carry out the evil He threatened against Nineveh.” Wow!

The priest at St. Clement gave a wonderful homily on this reading today. He indicated Jonah was miserable and wanted everyone else to miserable with him. He was not grateful for all that Lord had done for him. He was so angry that God did not punish the Ninevites that had failed to see the mercy and grace that God had bestowed upon him as well. Father closed his homily by stating that “gratitude is the key to joy in this life.”

“Gratitude is the key to joy in this life”
-stated during the homily at St. Clement of Rome morning mass 10/9/19

So I don’t think it was any coincidence that when I left mass, I checked my “memories” of Facebook. Exactly one year ago this is what I wrote while traveling with the Reverend Mother in California.

I am wrapping up the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp, which I highly recommend. I am certain I will have finished it before this week ends. While reading this morning, I came across this one excerpt that has impacted me, “While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things because He knows that the feeling of joy begins with the action of thanksgiving.” Think about that for a moment and really let it sink in…joy begins with thanks.

Joy begins with thanks.

I have this quote written on a chalk board in my office that says “Before we ask God for anything, we must first thank Him for everything.” I wrote that down early in 2018, when my father was hospitalized and I discovered that my sister had cancer. The beginning of 2018 was a very trying time and I needed that reminder – to be thankful. It was a very difficult period and it was so easy to get angry and discouraged. I certainly didn’t see God’s plan or understand the purpose for those events. I needed to remind myself that I had so much for which to be grateful.

Watching a parent slowly die and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it makes you feel so helpless. Knowing that your sister is fighting a battle that you cannot comprehend makes you feel so small and insignificant. All I could do was pray. I prayed for healing and peace for my sister and I prayed for strength and recovery for my dad.

I remember the day I moved from praying for a full recovery for my dad to praying for a peaceful death. That was the hardest transition I think I may have ever made. I was trying desperately to find the goodness in his suffering. I was not in a place of thanksgiving. I was angry, I was frustrated, I was discouraged, I was questioning, I was depressed. It was not supposed to happen like this. But I continued to pray and in those moments of prayer, I felt a sense of peace, even if it was fleeting. Memories of wonderful times came rushing back to give me comfort.

One memory for which I am thankful, that very last game of gin that I got to play with my dad before he got so sick. It was a grudge match that went on forever. We played it on a hospital tray table at Trinity East where he was in rehab from his hip surgery. We talked and joked and laughed through the whole game. My mom was there too, which makes it even more special. It is a memory that I cherish and one of the last times that we really got to share quality time together.

While I miss him every day, I am thankful for all of the wonderful memories and all his sometimes humorous words of wisdom (especially when watching Wheel of Fortune – don’t buy a vowel, you dummy). And while my sister still has a long road ahead of her, I am grateful that she is on the road to recovery and has essentially beat cancer. But let’s be honest, cancer didn’t stand a chance because my sister is a bad ass.

Blessed Solanus Casey used to say “Thank God ahead of time.” I keep this in the forefront of everything. Today, take time to cherish those special memories that you hold deep in your heart and remember to thank God first. Gratitude is the path to joy. Thank you, Lord, for all that this day has in store.

Please Pray for me and I will continue to pray for you