Tag: #lost

Worn Pews

Summer has thrown me from my normal schedule. Well actually, if I am being honest, I was thrown off my schedule way back in April when I had surgery with some unexpected complications. My days have not really been normal since then. First it was due to recovery. Then it was due to exhaustion, which I attributed to recovery. Then school wrapped up and schedules changed, my husband was home (he is a teacher) and my son started getting up before 5am (he started a summer internship). So, my schedule changed again to adapt to the changes in our household.

My normal morning of attending mass at 7:15am at the monastery changed. They made their mass time later which had an impact again on my schedule. So, I began attending the 7am mass at Holy Rosary this summer. I do not make it every day, unfortunately. Somedays, I work from home, so I sleep a little later because I am still quite tired. Somedays I attend the later mass at the Monastery. And somedays I go to the 8am mass at Blessed Sacrament or Holy Family. But most days, I go to Holy Rosary.

First Grade at Holy Rosary Central Grade School circa. 1979

One day last week, I had noticed that the top of the pew in front of me was quite worn and smooth. The oak finish had been completely rubbed off and revealed the smooth lighter natural wood beneath it. When I saw this I began to think of all the people who had knelt behind that pew offering prayers for their family, friends and loved ones; for world peace and for the church, for a return to moral values and an end to abortion, for good sense, truth, and justice from our elected officials, for healing from illness, and for lost sheep to return to the church and to God, and for a million other things that people pray for.

My first dog, Ralph

I thought about all of the students who attended mass at Holy Rosary and their simple and honest prayers. I was once one of those students, decades ago in the school uniform, praying for my dog Ralph not to be dead. He was hit by a car when I was nine years old. It was sad and traumatic, so much so that I still remember that day and that date very clearly. It was May 3, 1981. He was my first dog and I still think of him to this day. I thought about all of the teachers who took those students to mass. I thought about all of the priests who offered mass. And then I thought about that pew again.

Me and Ralph (yes, I am wearing a KISS shirt) circa. 1980

That worn pew made me think of myself. I am worn, I feel tired, I feel troubled, and sometimes I feel lost. But mostly, at least lately, I feel worn out. I feel a lot like that pew. The last few years have been a bit challenging, particularly with regard to my health. And while I am cancer free, I still have to be vigilant about it because it can return. I have had my fill of cancer. I have had several friends battle breast cancer, and win. But I have also lost two friends’ to glioblastoma. That has been difficult.

Dug up this picture from college (I’m in the middle). Michelle, on the far right died from glioblastoma.
Cancer sucks!

There have been other health concerns for me and my family. There have been challenges with work, with family, with local and global issues, with the church and with the government. All of those things wear a person down. I imagine there are a lot of people who feel exactly like I do, like that worn pew.

But that worn pew is also symbolic of love, of faith, of trust and of hope. So even though I may feel worn and tired, there is no quit in me. I, too, will persevere through all of it, with love, and faith, and trust, and hope. That pew, worn and all, still is there for the faithful to rest upon and offer their prayers to a loving God, who hears and answers, just not always in the way we might want, but in the way that He had planned. God’s plans are greater and far better than our own, even when we feel tired, lost, troubled and worn.

So today, even if you are feeling worn out, stop and thank God for answering prayers, even if His answer might sometimes contribute to our tiredness and fatigue. Know that it is all part of His greater plan for us. Maybe stop in at Holy Rosary Church (or any local church) and kneel down behind an old worn-out pew and offer your own prayers. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

God’s Timing is Perfect

Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing with your life? Do you ever wonder if things could be different, and if so how they could be different? Every decision that you have ever made has gotten you to this exact point in your life. Is this really where you are supposed to be? Did you miss a turn, take the wrong path? Are you lost?

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself asking those very questions. Is this really where God wants me? Is this really God’s plan or purpose for my life at this very moment? I was asking myself these very questions because a lot of things were going on in my life. Some new opportunities were presenting themselves, I was forging new professional relationships and expanding my work in advancement, but I had been “unsettled”. I thought God might be calling me to take a different path.

I spent several weeks praying about the events that were unfolding in front of me, trying to discern exactly what God had in mind. I would pray morning prayer, read the reflections for the day, and attend morning mass. Then I would pray some more. But the more I prayed about it, the more unsettled I became.

Each time I thought I had figured it out, something would happen that would have me questioning where God really wanted me to go and what God really wanted me to do. It could be the homily for the day or a conversation with one of our alumni. Some days it was the reflection, or a phone call, or a chance meeting. Other days it would be challenges that would arise, or emails that I would receive. All I can say is that I felt pulled in several different directions and I still had no idea where God wanted me or why He would even put me in the situation that I was in at that time.

It got to the point that I talked with a friend who was a religious sister. In fact, I had been praying again about “discernment of God’s will for my life” one morning before mass. I was still struggling with what all of this meant. When I opened my eyes from prayer, I saw Sister walking through the chapel. It was then that I decided that I would talk with her.

I had asked her “How do you discern between God’s will and your own desire?”, because by this time I was thoroughly confused. I wasn’t sure if I was acting out God’s will or simply doing what I thought I wanted at the time. I was once told by a priest that “That which is God’s desire will bring you peace.” I shared that with her and we talked quite a bit, because at the time I wasn’t peaceful about anything! Her words and advice were comforting, but I still had no idea what I was supposed to do.

I then asked my friend who is a priest the very same question. He gave me the following advice: use all the reason and intelligence God has given you, sit with it and see what decision leads you to feel peace, go in the direction where you’ll be choosing to love. His closing comment was that God uses our desires too. So, sometimes they’re the same thing. That was profound and really made an impact.

I continued to pray about this, trying to discern what God was calling me to, and how could I best serve Him. At the time, He was giving me all of these little clues. But I will admit it, sometimes I’m stubborn and hardheaded and really just don’t get it. Sometimes, I just need to be hit over the head or smacked in the face. This was one of those times.

After nearly two months of trying to figure this out, I realized I was trying to figure it out on my own. Although I had been praying, I hadn’t surrendered myself to prayer and given the discernment over to God. On Monday morning September 21st during mass, I simply prayed and said to God, “you need to be very clear as to what you want from me.” A few things happened after that which made me realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Let’s just say God was pretty clear.

The first, which happened that very evening after asking for clarity, one of our alums suggested that I reach out to his daughter as we had a lot in common. As he and I talked, it was clear that we did have a lot in common. But the bond that connected us the most was that we both had breast cancer.

I don’t make a habit of reaching out to strangers, even when someone makes the suggestion, unless it is directly related to a work referral. But this, this made sense. I was going to do this. So I sent a message via Facebook and introduced myself, said that I knew her Dad and how I became aware of her situation and shared that I had experienced breast cancer too. Before long, we were sharing messages and exchanged phone numbers. As it turns out, she had prayed that very morning to be a vessel for Christ and use her experience with breast cancer to connect with and help other women. It was kind of a WOW! moment for both of us. Funny how God answers prayers and uses us for a greater purpose. (Just over a week later we met for coffee and talked for over two hours. I would not have had that opportunity if it had not been for the decisions that I had made and the experiences that I had had. I was exactly where I was supposed to be. God’s timing is perfect.)

The following day, the second and third things happened. I received an email asking when I would be in Columbus to meet with our regional alumni. Because of COVID, I have not done much traveling and most of the planned events had to be cancelled, including the regional alumni event in Columbus. Once I received that email, I immediately began to plan the trip. That afternoon, I got a phone call that gave me closure and assured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even with all of the uncertainty, the unsettledness, the questioning, the struggling, I know that I am where God wants me. I don’t think I could have said that a few weeks ago, but God’s timing is perfect.

Maybe you’re questioning right now, maybe you’re unsure about somethings in your life. So today be attentive to the little signs that God is giving you, pray, and remember that His timing is perfect. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.