#challenges – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Humble, Grateful, Blessed

Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.

Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.

I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.

Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended

If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.

Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.

My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa

This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.

I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.

We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.

My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.

So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

Be a Blessing

“I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.” – Genesis 12:2

You are blessed, abundantly, but do you feel blessed? Do you accept the blessings that God wants to bestow on you? Do you let those blessings flow through you to others?

In reading this morning, I was reminded that I am not simply blessed by God to be blessed; I am blessed by God for the sake of others, so that through God’s blessings, I may bless others. What that basically means is to pay it forward.

God blesses us each and every day, in immeasurable and uncountable ways. However, we don’t always accept those blessings. Oftentimes this is because we don’t recognize ourselves as worthy of all the goodness that God wants to share with us. We feel like we don’t deserve it. We feel like we are not good enough for God’s unconditional love. But it doesn’t matter if we believe we deserve it or not, God’s love and generosity know no limits. He wants to pour out his love upon us and bless us abundantly. He is simply that generous, that loving, of a Father.

One of the many blessings of New Year’s Day was making cannoli with my son

I know I regularly feel like I don’t deserve God’s blessings. I’m a sinner – big time, and I struggle a lot. I am certainly not worthy of the goodness God has given me. But there are also times that I fail to recognize the blessings in my life because sometimes those blessings look a lot like challenges and trials.

Cuddling with my dogs (3 of the 4 pictured here) is a daily blessing for me.

There have been blessings in my life that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t recognize as blessings until well after the moment had passed. These were times of pain and struggle, times of uncertainty and fear, and times of anger and sadness. From dealing with the deaths of friends and loved ones to battling cancer to testing relationships, I have experienced a number of events in the past few years alone that have been difficult. But each of those moments was wrapped up in God’s grace that helped me get through those times and come out stronger. Each of those experiences, each of those blessings, helped me learn and grow, and hopefully taught me how and allowed me to bless others in some way.

God’s grace has turned our challenges into blessings and strengthened our marriage

So today, accept all the blessings that God wants to give you, share them, and be a blessing to someone else. God has so much in store for you if you would just be open to accepting what He wants to give you, whether or not you feel you are worthy or deserving of his love.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” – Ephesians 2:8. This is the greatest blessing of all, eternal salvation, and God gives it freely to each of us through faith. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

God’s Timing is Perfect

Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing with your life? Do you ever wonder if things could be different, and if so how they could be different? Every decision that you have ever made has gotten you to this exact point in your life. Is this really where you are supposed to be? Did you miss a turn, take the wrong path? Are you lost?

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself asking those very questions. Is this really where God wants me? Is this really God’s plan or purpose for my life at this very moment? I was asking myself these very questions because a lot of things were going on in my life. Some new opportunities were presenting themselves, I was forging new professional relationships and expanding my work in advancement, but I had been “unsettled”. I thought God might be calling me to take a different path.

I spent several weeks praying about the events that were unfolding in front of me, trying to discern exactly what God had in mind. I would pray morning prayer, read the reflections for the day, and attend morning mass. Then I would pray some more. But the more I prayed about it, the more unsettled I became.

Each time I thought I had figured it out, something would happen that would have me questioning where God really wanted me to go and what God really wanted me to do. It could be the homily for the day or a conversation with one of our alumni. Some days it was the reflection, or a phone call, or a chance meeting. Other days it would be challenges that would arise, or emails that I would receive. All I can say is that I felt pulled in several different directions and I still had no idea where God wanted me or why He would even put me in the situation that I was in at that time.

It got to the point that I talked with a friend who was a religious sister. In fact, I had been praying again about “discernment of God’s will for my life” one morning before mass. I was still struggling with what all of this meant. When I opened my eyes from prayer, I saw Sister walking through the chapel. It was then that I decided that I would talk with her.

I had asked her “How do you discern between God’s will and your own desire?”, because by this time I was thoroughly confused. I wasn’t sure if I was acting out God’s will or simply doing what I thought I wanted at the time. I was once told by a priest that “That which is God’s desire will bring you peace.” I shared that with her and we talked quite a bit, because at the time I wasn’t peaceful about anything! Her words and advice were comforting, but I still had no idea what I was supposed to do.

I then asked my friend who is a priest the very same question. He gave me the following advice: use all the reason and intelligence God has given you, sit with it and see what decision leads you to feel peace, go in the direction where you’ll be choosing to love. His closing comment was that God uses our desires too. So, sometimes they’re the same thing. That was profound and really made an impact.

I continued to pray about this, trying to discern what God was calling me to, and how could I best serve Him. At the time, He was giving me all of these little clues. But I will admit it, sometimes I’m stubborn and hardheaded and really just don’t get it. Sometimes, I just need to be hit over the head or smacked in the face. This was one of those times.

After nearly two months of trying to figure this out, I realized I was trying to figure it out on my own. Although I had been praying, I hadn’t surrendered myself to prayer and given the discernment over to God. On Monday morning September 21st during mass, I simply prayed and said to God, “you need to be very clear as to what you want from me.” A few things happened after that which made me realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Let’s just say God was pretty clear.

The first, which happened that very evening after asking for clarity, one of our alums suggested that I reach out to his daughter as we had a lot in common. As he and I talked, it was clear that we did have a lot in common. But the bond that connected us the most was that we both had breast cancer.

I don’t make a habit of reaching out to strangers, even when someone makes the suggestion, unless it is directly related to a work referral. But this, this made sense. I was going to do this. So I sent a message via Facebook and introduced myself, said that I knew her Dad and how I became aware of her situation and shared that I had experienced breast cancer too. Before long, we were sharing messages and exchanged phone numbers. As it turns out, she had prayed that very morning to be a vessel for Christ and use her experience with breast cancer to connect with and help other women. It was kind of a WOW! moment for both of us. Funny how God answers prayers and uses us for a greater purpose. (Just over a week later we met for coffee and talked for over two hours. I would not have had that opportunity if it had not been for the decisions that I had made and the experiences that I had had. I was exactly where I was supposed to be. God’s timing is perfect.)

The following day, the second and third things happened. I received an email asking when I would be in Columbus to meet with our regional alumni. Because of COVID, I have not done much traveling and most of the planned events had to be cancelled, including the regional alumni event in Columbus. Once I received that email, I immediately began to plan the trip. That afternoon, I got a phone call that gave me closure and assured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even with all of the uncertainty, the unsettledness, the questioning, the struggling, I know that I am where God wants me. I don’t think I could have said that a few weeks ago, but God’s timing is perfect.

Maybe you’re questioning right now, maybe you’re unsure about somethings in your life. So today be attentive to the little signs that God is giving you, pray, and remember that His timing is perfect. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Transcendentalism, Existentialism, and Amor Fati

My husband shared a Latin phrase with me just yesterday, “Amor Fati”, which means love your fate. I had recognized the phrase immediately and thought it was connected in some way with Friedrich Nietzsche.

You see, late in my high school career and early into my college pursuits, I enjoyed philosophy and read quite a bit. Transcendentalism was my favorite philosophical theory when I was 17. I read Henry David Thoreau’s, Walden “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately …and when I came to die, discover that I had not lived…I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” (Dead Poets Society, is one of my all-time favorite movies.) I read Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I was definitely a non-conformist in high school, so Emerson’s tenets resonated with me. I studied Immanuel Kant and eventually wrote a paper on his philosophies for a class in high school. Fr. Orsini, one of my high school religion teachers, was also studying Kant for a college course at the same time. We would have great discussions about his theories. He even read my paper before I turned it in, he was so interested (or seemed to be) in my perspective.

I also enjoyed Existentialism, dabbling in the works Friedrich Nietzsche and occasionally Jean-Paul Sartre and Soren Kierkegaard. So I guess, maybe that’s why the phrases familiarity was buried deep within my subconscious.

When Todd shared with me the phrase, its meaning, and that he was considering it as the basis for his next tattoo, I totally bogarted the idea. The significance behind it resounded with where I am right now and how I have been approaching all of the chaos that has been my life, our life. I totally understood why he wanted it. It was a great idea, it meant something; but now I wanted it too. That is okay, we have a few tattoos that are either exactly the same, or very similar, in meaning and design. That is one of the benefits of being married to your best friend.

Amor Fati is a term used to describe an attitude of acceptance; accepting everything in your life – including the pain, suffering and loss, – as good or at least necessary and with a purpose. I believe that very thing, but with a more faithful aspect. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God uses the struggles, trials, and anguish to reach out to us, to speak to us and to draw us closer to Him. God doesn’t waste anything.
It was that “philosophy” that has gotten me through the trails, particularly of the past couple of years. There had to be a reason, a purpose for the pain, or else why would it be happening. Why would it be necessary? I decided to accept each moment, each challenge, each obstacle with open arms and embrace it. I thought maybe if I loved it enough (or at least to the best of my ability) it wouldn’t be so difficult. Maybe if I could find the joy within it and the grace to accept it, I could better deal with it. Maybe these things, that I never wanted to have happen, would bring about something greater that I could not see from my current perspective.

I know that life has been challenging for all of us, particularly in the midst of COVID19 and the uncertainty that it brings with it, not to mention the protests and riots, the political climate, and the division we see across our great nation. Those are the challenges that we all face, in addition to our own individual personal challenges. But all of it, ALL OF IT, has some greater purpose. We just don’t know what that is right now.

Marcus Aurelius once stated that “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown in it.” What a fantastic way to look at life. Again, God doesn’t waste anything. Oxygen fuels fire, right? Maybe challenges fuel possibility.

So today, embrace the challenges, fuel your endless possibilities, and love your fate. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Chance, Coincidence, and Perfect Design

2019 was a tumultuous year for our family, to say the least. From beginning the year with inconvenient illnesses and injuries (colds, flu, bronchitis, and broken bones), to a change of college and career plans for my son (his school of choice filed for financial exigency), to losing my job, my husband taking on more consulting work, and me taking on a new position and at the same time starting a new consulting business in the middle of the year, to finding out at the end of 2019 that I have breast cancer; it has been a wild, crazy and sometimes chaotic ride. But within the chaos, God frequently made His presence known.

When I was working for the Franciscan Sisters, TOR I had once asked the reverend mother if she believed in coincidence or if everything happened for a reason. She told me that she believed that everything happened for a reason. I have to admit, at that time, I was skeptical that this could be true. I mean, really, EVERYTHING happens for a reason? I didn’t fully believe it. I thought there was a lot of room for coincidence.

6:30am moon at the Steubenville Catholic Schools

Chance really had to play a role in the way the way life played out and the way that things occurred, right? I thought it did, I believed that the way things were happening were coincidental, and that there was no rhyme or reason to the way life unfolded. To me, life was a meaningless game of chance – for the most part.

Then I began to realize that everything was happening for a reason, that this was God’s perfect design. There were blessings hidden within all of the chaos, if I just took time to look for them. At the time each of these events occurred, they seemed like a tragedy or a curse. But in retrospect, they were blessings in disguise.

The college my son wanted to attend filing for financial exigency resulted in him finding a school that was actually a better fit for his learning style and was substantially more affordable. The changes in my employment situation opened other doors, provided new avenues for expansion for both me and my husband’s businesses. Those changes also introduced me to new people, new friends, and reconnected me with old friends, who would be influential in my journey during 2019. The unexplained illnesses I was experiencing in the beginning of the year eventually led to an early cancer diagnosis. EARLY DIAGNOSIS. Each of those things that seemed so bleak when they were transpiring held profound beauty that I just couldn’t see at that time.

An evening with old friends – Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Jon Bon Jovi once said that, “Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.” This is so very true. All of those things that tried my patience, shook my faith, and toyed with my sanity were blessings. They were miracles. I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometime you don’t even realize what is happening is a miracle until well after the miracle has occurred.

And then there was Charlie Boy. And yes, Charlie Boy is a blessing. Or miracle, however you want to look at it. I needed him and he arrived at just the right time. Just like the change in my son’s plans for school and a career. Just like the loss of my job, the establishment of my own consulting business and the growth in my husband’s consulting company. Just like finding a new job. And just like being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Charlie Boy – my therapy dog, my miracle – with all of toys by the fire

All of it, even the cancer is a blessing. It has happened for a reason. It is not a curse, or a scourge, or even a misfortune. Yes, it is a challenge, but great things are born of challenge. I know great things will be born of this, because God wastes nothing.

So today, look at your struggles, your challenges, your trials with fresh eyes and find the miracles buried beneath the chaos. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.