#blessed – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Humble, Grateful, Blessed

Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.

Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.

I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.

Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended

If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.

Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.

My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa

This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.

I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.

We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.

My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.

So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

Be a Blessing

“I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.” – Genesis 12:2

You are blessed, abundantly, but do you feel blessed? Do you accept the blessings that God wants to bestow on you? Do you let those blessings flow through you to others?

In reading this morning, I was reminded that I am not simply blessed by God to be blessed; I am blessed by God for the sake of others, so that through God’s blessings, I may bless others. What that basically means is to pay it forward.

God blesses us each and every day, in immeasurable and uncountable ways. However, we don’t always accept those blessings. Oftentimes this is because we don’t recognize ourselves as worthy of all the goodness that God wants to share with us. We feel like we don’t deserve it. We feel like we are not good enough for God’s unconditional love. But it doesn’t matter if we believe we deserve it or not, God’s love and generosity know no limits. He wants to pour out his love upon us and bless us abundantly. He is simply that generous, that loving, of a Father.

One of the many blessings of New Year’s Day was making cannoli with my son

I know I regularly feel like I don’t deserve God’s blessings. I’m a sinner – big time, and I struggle a lot. I am certainly not worthy of the goodness God has given me. But there are also times that I fail to recognize the blessings in my life because sometimes those blessings look a lot like challenges and trials.

Cuddling with my dogs (3 of the 4 pictured here) is a daily blessing for me.

There have been blessings in my life that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t recognize as blessings until well after the moment had passed. These were times of pain and struggle, times of uncertainty and fear, and times of anger and sadness. From dealing with the deaths of friends and loved ones to battling cancer to testing relationships, I have experienced a number of events in the past few years alone that have been difficult. But each of those moments was wrapped up in God’s grace that helped me get through those times and come out stronger. Each of those experiences, each of those blessings, helped me learn and grow, and hopefully taught me how and allowed me to bless others in some way.

God’s grace has turned our challenges into blessings and strengthened our marriage

So today, accept all the blessings that God wants to give you, share them, and be a blessing to someone else. God has so much in store for you if you would just be open to accepting what He wants to give you, whether or not you feel you are worthy or deserving of his love.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” – Ephesians 2:8. This is the greatest blessing of all, eternal salvation, and God gives it freely to each of us through faith. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Ash Wednesday, Freedom, Scars, and a Strange Blessing

Ash Wednesday marked the start of the Lenten season, which in and of itself is a big deal. This is the time of prayer, fasting and alms giving as we reflect on God’s great love for us and prepare for Easter Sunday. It was last year that I finally grasped the meaning and importance of the Lenten season. It was when I finally understood what a Lenten sacrifice was. Lent has taken on a much different meaning for me over the past year and has a far greater significance in my life.

The prayer coin we were given at Ash Wednesday Service at Holy Family Church

Ash Wednesday 2020 was meaningful for a couple of other reasons as well. This Ash Wednesday mark my first day of freedom. It was a day of independence, of liberation, of sovereignty, of dominion. It was the day that I got my life back. It was the first day that I had driven a car in well over a month. It was the day that I returned to the office to work (albeit on a limited basis). It was the day that I attended meetings with actual people. Although I had been working from home, my interactions with real people had been quite limited. It was the day that I was able to return to daily mass, and Ash Wednesday 2020 was the first time my husband received ashes (he converted to Catholicism almost 20 years ago but had never received ashes on Ash Wednesday).

I had a work meeting at Leonardo’s, a local coffee house, the evening of Ash Wednesday. My coffee came in this mug; just another message from God.

On February 3^rd, everything changed, even if I wasn’t ready, even if I didn’t want it to, even if I was denying that it would change. For the past month, it almost seemed like my life has been on hold. I am not a person who can just sit idly. I am not very good at relaxing and I tend to over think and analyze things when I don’t have something to do. The entire month of February, I was forced to relax. I needed to relax if I was to heal properly.

Although I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early November and had surgery at the beginning of February, I have to remind myself that I am still in recovery. I still, technically, have at least a couple more weeks of recuperation from the mastectomy surgery. And I will have another surgery in a couple of months. I actually have to remind myself that I had cancer.

I know I have mentioned this before, but I don’t feel like I have/had cancer. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel angry, I am not worried. I am not in pain, I am not depressed, I am not upset. The only things that have reminded me that I had cancer and had surgery to treat it were the changes to my daily routines.

For the entire month of February, I missed daily mass. That was difficult for me because daily mass is part of who I am. Missing daily mass also impacted the way in which I was praying and how I was relating to and talking with God. I didn’t pray morning prayer. I didn’t pray my normal rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. In fact, it didn’t seem like I was praying at all. But I was, it was just different. I experienced a profound peace that I never expected to find through all of this. I could sense God’s presence and Christ’s peace even though life had changed, even though there was uncertainty. I wasn’t feeling fear, or pain, or anger, or frustration or any of those things. If I am experiencing anything, it is guilt because of how well I actually feel.

I guess I feel guilty because I know others who have endured cancer, the surgeries, the radiation, the chemotherapy, the exhaustion, the pain, the stress, the depression, and everything else that goes along with it and I really haven’t experienced a lot of that. What I have experienced has not been that severe. I feel guilty for being concerned about not being able to cook for my family or being able to workout at my normal level of intensity (I am allowed to walk and use the elliptical- no arms). That is just selfish. I feel guilty because there are people who are battling cancer who have to deal with the pain and sickness associated with radiation and chemotherapy, and I don’t. I dodged a bullet with that one.

I have to go through reconstructive surgery, a process that is uncomfortable but bearable. I have to have some follow-up visits with my doctors for the next several weeks. I have to take some anti-cancer meds for next ten years. And I get a little tired. What do I really have to complain about, maybe that’s why I feel guilty? Maybe I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and I know I don’t deserve it.

While most days it doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my life has changed, I know that a lot has. And I have the scars (and the medical bills) to prove it. The scars, they are what remind me every day of the blessings.

I was texting with a friend the other day who asked how I was doing. I responded that I feel fantastic and that all of this has been a strange blessing. That’s when it struck me, this really has been a strange blessing. Most people think I am crazy when I say that breast cancer has been a blessing. But it really has been. I can’t explain it, but I marvel at it. I can’t figure out why I have been so fortunate when others have had to endure so much more. Why I have been blessed with such kindness, heartfelt compassion, love and friendship. I could sit and ask why did God give me cancer, but what God did through cancer was bless me abundantly in so many ways. I am just waiting to see what else He has in store for me throughout this journey, because I am pretty sure it is going to be something amazing. So yes, this cancer is a strange blessing, but it is a blessing, an amazing blessing, none the less.

So today, look for the strange blessings within your life, if you really take time, I am sure you will find several, and please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.

Love at First Sight

In early December I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, checking on friend’s updates and reading their story when I came across this picture of a really cute guy. I have to admit, I was a bit taken by the photo, so much so that I had to read the profile. But the picture. Wow. I ended my Facebook session, but could not get the picture out of my head.

For the next week I would go back and look at the picture and re-read the profile. I have to admit, it felt a little bit like I was cheating on my entire family I was so caught up by this photo. I would log into Facebook just to look at him. I finally took a screen shot so I could view it from my own photos. Logging in and out of Facebook was consuming a lot of time, just to look at a photo.

After about a week, I finally got up the courage to send a Facebook message. I was smitten and really needed to reach out. I got a response and we scheduled a meeting for Saturday December 21st. I was so excited and so nervous. What if we met and I didn’t like him? Worst yet, what if he didn’t like me? The initial meeting went well, so well in fact that he came home with me. By that evening he was in my bed.

He has been in my bed every night since that meeting. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding and loves him almost as much as I do. Who knew we needed a puppy? Who knew I needed a puppy?

His name is Charlie Boy and I call him my therapy dog. And he really has been my therapy dog. He has made me forget about most of the thoughts that have consumed my mind these past few weeks. He is pure love, joy, and trust. Just looking at him makes me smile and he always looks like he is smiling back at me. He has made me profoundly happy. He cuddles, and nuzzles, and snuggles. He will follow me around the house, sit by my feet while I make dinner, and lie on my lap while I read. He will bring me toys to play with him, wrestle with his canine sisters in the living room then all three of them will fall asleep in front of the fire.

The thing is, this probably wasn’t the ideal time for us to adopt a puppy with all that has been going on in our world. But if not now, when? We could have waited for conditions to be perfect to add a third dog to our house, but then we would have never adopted another dog.

But Charlie Boy arrived at the time when I needed him most. And it honestly was love at first sight for me when I first saw his photo. There was something about his cute little face, black and pink speckled nose and that one floppy ear. I knew we needed to add him to our family and we weren’t even looking for another dog.

Yes, Charlie Boy (formerly Scout) needed a forever home, but I think I needed him more. I call him my cancer dog, but he has made me forget about cancer and everything that is on the horizon that cancer brings with it. Charlie Boy has made me focus more on the moment at hand. And his trust in me is unbelievable. He trusts me completely. And when he is frightened or nervous or unsure, the first place he comes is to me. He knows I will take care of whatever might be of concern to him. He reminds me that I need to trust God in all of this; that He will take care of everything.

So Charlie Boy, my therapy dog, has been the perfect addition to our family. And my husband was on board from the beginning. He asked when I was going to complete the application for adoption, when was I going to follow-up to see if we were approved, when were we going to meet our new addition. Were it not for him hounding me about getting this new puppy, Charlie might not have been part of our family and an integral part of my sanity.

He has taught me a lot about living in the moment, not waiting for everything to perfect and most of all about trust. I read a quote somewhere that angels are often disguised as dogs. If that is true, then I am truly blessed because I have three that protect me and love me unconditionally. And I believe that it is true. There is no other way to explain how Charlie came into our lives.

So today, keep your eyes open for the angels in your life. They just might have four legs, fur, a wet nose and puppy breathe. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Plot Twist

I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!

It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.

It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.

It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.

I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).

I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.

And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.

And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.

Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.

Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.