#REOSpeedwagon – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Who knows you the best?

I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.

Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.

How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.

This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.

Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.

I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.

My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.

So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Memories, Confession, and REO Speedwagon

This memory came up on my Facebook feed yesterday. It is from December 19, 2018. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember that day very vividly. I actually read the feed while I sat waiting for Sunday Morning mass to begin. Coincidentally, I had been pondering going to confession before Christmas. Even though it is dated and I now longer work for the Franciscan Sisters, I thought it was worth sharing.

December 19, 2018
I really do not like going to confession. I know there are some people that enjoy it, they feel liberated and restored and, therefore, receive the sacrament of reconciliation often. I don’t experience that same “joy”. The thought of confessing my sins, whether it is to a priest I know well or to a total stranger, makes me feel physically ill. I become anxious and agitated and eventually talk myself out of going to confession at all. That would explain why in the past 25 years, I may have gone to confession half a dozen times.

Confession by Florida Georgia Line

But now I work for religious sisters, sisters who receive the sacrament of reconciliation weekly. I mean I already kind of feel like a heathen when I am with them, but now I feel even more like an unrepentant sinner because I don’t like the process of atonement. In the 3 years that I have worked for them, I have gone to confession 3 times. That 3 times is included in the 6 times that I have gone in the past quarter century. One of those times was today.

There is a priest who comes every other week to hear confessions at the Mother House for the sisters. I asked if I could sign up for one of the confession slots. One of the sisters was kind enough to put me on the schedule for this afternoon. Then this morning before mass began, I had a change of heart. I just wasn’t feeling the whole “let’s go confess our sins” thing. I had decided that I would take my name off of the schedule. I’m not going to confession, no big deal, right? Wrong.

There were several tiny little signs that were telling me I needed to go to confession today. The first one was before I even got to work. I was coming down the drive to work when I was overcome by a profound feeling of sadness. It hit me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning. I started thinking about my Dad, how Christmas was less than a week away and that this would be the first Christmas without him. All of these thoughts are running through my head as I pull into the parking space and I notice a deer in the grass at the edge of the lot. The Reverend Mother had told me that the deer symbolizes God’s grace. Immediately, the feeling of sadness left me. Amazing!

Fr. Gregory said mass this morning, and he opened up mass talking about REO Speedwagon’s song “Keep on Lovin’ You.” He said that is why we are here, to love Jesus. It made me smile and kind of laugh to myself. REO Speedwagon’s cassette, Hi-Infidelity, was the first tape I ever bought. That is the album which contains “Keep on Lovin’ You”. Really? What are the chances of that actually coming up in mass – ever. It caused me to reflect on the happiness of my childhood. I can still remember listening to that tape in a tape recorder, sitting on the wall along the drive of the house on Whitehaven when I was nine years old. That memory makes me smile.

Fr. Gregory had a great homily about how God bears fruit in us, even when we might not see it. We just need to be open to the work He will do within us and through us. Then he closed mass by stating that he would be available for confession if anybody would be interested. I sat in the pew dumfounded. Alright, I get it. So I went to confession.

It is amazing the ways in which God will speak to you if you only listen. It is amazing the work He will do in you and through you if you only open yourself up to that possibility. I never thought it was possible, to hear God, but now that I have, it is pretty amazing what He says. Today, listen for God to speak to you; it may even happen through an REO Speedwagon song.

As I prepare to share this, I am also getting ready to go to morning mass; morning mass at that very monastery. I am not sure who the celebrant will be or what words of wisdom he might share, but I am looking forward to listening for God to speak to me today. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Plot Twist

I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!

It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.

It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.

It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.

I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).

I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.

And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.

And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.

Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.

Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.