#anger – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Great Expectations

People will fail you. Throughout your lifetime, every person with whom you are close will fall short in your eyes in some way. This includes your mother and father, sisters and brothers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, friends and coworkers, priests, pastors, and religious, even acquaintances. Bob Marley is quoted as saying, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Everyone. I believe that is 100% accurate.

I do not say this to be negative, crass, or judgmental. I say it simply because it is true. The sooner this fact is understood and accepted, the better our lives will be. You also need to realize that you play a big role in this equation. You are part of the reason people will fail you. In most cases, you are the very reason that people disappoint you.

My newest coworker, of whom I have no expectations and who has no expectations of me.

We are human, all of us. And we are all different. Some of us are empathetic (I generally am not), some of us are compassionate (I probably fall short there too), some of us are sympathetic, some of us are generous, some of us are kind, some of us are sentimental, some of us are carefree, some of us are thoughtful; some of us are understanding, and the list goes on. Everyone has a unique personality; we all react to and handle situations differently.

There are hundreds of different tests you can take to help identify your personality type, behavioral profile, or how you respond to stimulus. There are personality tests (like Myers-Briggs), predictive index assessments that determine your work style and how you interact with others, and tests that can tell you how you give and receive love (The 5 Love Languages). All of these tests are geared at giving us a better understanding of who we are and how we operate.

These are wonderful tools for learning about ourselves. But no matter how much we learn about our personal qualities, our characteristics, and our behaviors, we all inevitably create expectations for ourselves and others. So, what about expectations?

We often have great expectations about people, more specifically people who are close to us. This can include how they should react to a circumstance, what they should say in response to a conversation, or how they should behave in a specific situation. These expectations leave us wondering why someone did not say something that we needed to hear or do something that we would have done if we were in their shoes. Expecting something to happen will not make it happen. When reality does not meet our expectations, we are left wondering why. Therefore, expectations can lead to disappointment.

Listen to the 1993 hit song Hey Jealousy, by the Gin Blossoms. There is a great line in that song, “if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.” We can learn so much from that one line.

There is also a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” We tend to harbor resentment when someone does not live up to our expectations. Expectations are the root cause of why people fail you. Expectations lead to disappointment. Expectations can kill relationships. Expectations.

My son and his dog. Nevaeh never has any expectations.

While I try not to have expectations of people, I fail daily. I have to remind myself that expectations rarely have positive outcomes. They lead to hurt feelings, anger, frustration, disillusionment, and bitterness. Eventually you are going to be let down. Eventually you are going to let someone else down, all because of expectations.

You know who does not have expectations? God. Nothing you do will ever surprise God. You can never let Him down. He will never be angry at you or wish that you did something differently. God will just love you. Incidentally, dogs are the very same way (Is it a coincidence that God spelled backwards is dog? I think not.)

So today, let go of expectations. Turn your attention to God when those anticipated outcomes begin to fill your head and ask Him for grace, patience, and understanding. Maybe adopt a shelter dog too, you will not be disappointed (unless maybe you have some preconceived notions, i.e.. expectations). And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Who knows you the best?

I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.

Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.

How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.

This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.

Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.

I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.

My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.

So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Letting Go

I attend Monday morning mass at monastery. There are these beautiful young trees that line the drive to Our Lady of Sorrow’s Monastery and Father of Mercy Chapel. Based on the shape of the leaf, I am guessing that they are some variety of maple. Each year, they turn the most glorious shade of fiery orange-red in the fall. When they are at their peak, it is quite a magnificent yet peaceful sight especially with the chapel in the distance.

However, I have noticed every single year that all of the trees shed all of their leaves except for one lone tree. This tree has always managed to hang on to almost all of its leaves. I find it amazing that all of the others have released the old growth, but this one tree still clings to its foliage, almost like a security blanket. Each year, leaves are nearly wholly intact, and still as gorgeous as ever as we approach mid November. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this one particular tree does not drop it leaves as all of the other have. All of the others around it are bare.

As I drove up the long drive this morning, the cool autumn air pouring through my sun roof and open windows, I pondered this. Why this one tree? Why not the others? How did it hold on to most of its leaves, when all of the others are barren? What is it waiting for? When will it let go of its leaves? It just doesn’t seem natural. I ponder this very thing nearly every year, and every year it causes great consternation.

This one tree is a metaphor for life…for my life (and maybe for yours too). That one tree, holding on to its leaves, represents me. I tend I hold on to a lot, more than I probably should. Just two days ago marked 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And while I am now cancer free, it is a date and memory that I continue hold onto. And it’s not the only thing that I hang on to, there are past offenses, rejections, relationships, frustrations, and the list goes on. I hold onto these things, almost like a security blanket, because who would I be without them? They define who I am. They are who I am, right?

Trees let go of their leaves to protect themselves, to care for themselves. Shedding leaves helps the tree to conserve water and energy. As unfavorable weather approaches, hormones in the tree triggers the process of abscission. Essentially, the leaves are actively cut-off of the tree. When the abscission process begins, the tree re-absorbs necessary nutrients from its leaves. These nutrients are stored for later use in the roots. Chlorophyll, the pigment that gives leaves their green color, is one of the first molecules to be broken down for its nutrients. This is one of the reasons why the trees change color during the fall. At the end of the abscission process, when the leaves have been shed, a protective layer of cells grows over the exposed area. The shedding of leaves also helps trees to pollinate come springtime. Without leaves to get in the way, wind-blown pollen can travel longer distances and reach more trees. So this “letting go” is essential for the tree’s health, life and continued growth.

Because of this tree, I have come to realize there are things of which I should really let go. Anger. Fear. Resentment. Mistakes. Past hurts. Bad decisions. Second guesses…everything that that is harmful, damaging or destructive. I tend hold on to all those things that are negative, and ruminate on them over and over again. But those things don’t define me. They may have influenced me, but they are not who I am. It reminds me of a quote I once read, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.”

We can learn a lot from nature and from trees. Just as the shedding of leaves is beneficial to the health, life and continued growth of the tree, so is the letting go of all that is negative in our lives. All of those things consume your thoughts and affect your peace.

So today, learn from those experiences, let them make you better than you were and then let them go. And remember, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.” And please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

The Monday-est Monday Of All

It’s Monday. I know Monday’s are typically a day of dread for most working people. The weekend is over and its back to the grind. Not only is today Monday, but it was also pouring down rain this morning when I got work. Today has been the Monday-est Monday I have experienced in a long time.

You see, I was out of the office at the end of last week for a business trip to Columbus, Ohio. So I only had three days in the office this past week. I am in the office today, but I am preparing for another trip, this time to New Orleans, Louisiana. Because I have been out of the office, I have a lot to do before I depart again tomorrow. So I came in early, in the rain, before 6:30am, with nobody else in the school, hoping to get some things done before the day really kicked into gear. The hallways were near complete darkness; I couldn’t find the light switches and tripped coming up the stairs. So far, I’m off to great start!

I needed to catch up on emails, update some files, and do some research. I also wanted to get some materials prepared for my trip and was missing some things that I needed to take with me. I was a little frustrated and little consumed with work issues. So consumed in fact that, unfortunately, I missed morning mass.

I missed mass. I know not everyone will understand this, but that is huge deal for me. Especially on a Monday. I go every day. I find it is a great way to start the day, and the best way to begin the week. With Mass, it just feels like I am beginning on the right foot. But today I missed mass.

When I realized what time it was, I raced down the hall to the chapel, but the priest was already proclaiming the gospel and my cell phone was vibrating. I said a quick prayer and apologized, then I went back to my office to respond to the text message I had just received and make another phone call. But as I dashed down the hallway I was angry or maybe it was disappointment. I missed mass and I felt like it was affecting how my week was beginning. So much for starting this week off on the right foot.

Now, it’s not like I have never missed mass. I have. I did last week. I didn’t make it to mass on Friday because I was out of town and had appointments that didn’t permit me to attend daily mass. I guess the difference was that I knew I was going to miss mass last week. I was prepared for it. But today, I hadn’t planned on missing mass, it just happened. And it was wholly and completely my fault. I let myself get caught up in something that I could have had better control over. I let my frustration get the best of me, and what did I gain from it? Nothing. No satisfaction, no peace of mind, and no accomplishment. Just disappointment.

So I walked back to my office and sat down at my desk. I said another prayer, read a couple of reflections, and took a moment to just breathe. In that brief moment, I realized that I while I had apologized for missing morning mass, I did not need to. God wasn’t angry with me, God wasn’t disappointed, God wasn’t frustrated. God didn’t expect an apology. If anything, God wanted peace for me, not this anger, frustration and disappointment that had been consuming me all morning.

Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, and I suspect this often happened on Mondays. Mondays can be difficult; the weekend is over, we have a whole work week ahead of us filled with demands and expectations, things that we have to accomplish. And the next weekend seems so far away. How are we going to make it through?

Instead of looking at Monday with dread, focusing on all that we think we have to accomplish, and being hard on ourselves when we think we will never get all of it done, maybe we should look at Monday (and every day for that that matter) as an opportunity to start all over again. As another day to be our best, to do our best, to help others, to listen, to care, to be kind, to show love and compassion – not only to others but also to ourselves.

So today, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself (and others) with love and compassion. Look at Monday as an opportunity to begin again, to start fresh. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.