Tag: #resentment

Great Expectations

People will fail you. Throughout your lifetime, every person with whom you are close will fall short in your eyes in some way. This includes your mother and father, sisters and brothers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, friends and coworkers, priests, pastors, and religious, even acquaintances. Bob Marley is quoted as saying, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”  Everyone.  I believe that is 100% accurate. 

Family. We love each other.

I do not say this to be negative, crass, or judgmental. I say it simply because it is true. The sooner this fact is understood and accepted, the better our lives will be. You also need to realize that you play a big role in this equation.  You are part of the reason people will fail you.  In most cases, you are the very reason that people disappoint you.

My newest coworker, of whom I have no expectations and who has no expectations of me.

We are human, all of us.  And we are all different.  Some of us are empathetic (I generally am not), some of us are compassionate (I probably fall short there too), some of us are sympathetic, some of us are generous, some of us are kind, some of us are sentimental, some of us are carefree, some of us are thoughtful; some of us are understanding, and the list goes on.  Everyone has a unique personality; we all react to and handle situations differently.  

There are hundreds of different tests you can take to help identify your personality type, behavioral profile, or how you respond to stimulus.  There are personality tests (like Myers-Briggs), predictive index assessments that determine your work style and how you interact with others, and tests that can tell you how you give and receive love (The 5 Love Languages).  All of these tests are geared at giving us a better understanding of who we are and how we operate.

These are wonderful tools for learning about ourselves.  But no matter how much we learn about our personal qualities, our characteristics, and our behaviors, we all inevitably create expectations for ourselves and others.  So, what about expectations?

We often have great expectations about people, more specifically people who are close to us.  This can include how they should react to a circumstance, what they should say in response to a conversation, or how they should behave in a specific situation. These expectations leave us wondering why someone did not say something that we needed to hear or do something that we would have done if we were in their shoes.  Expecting something to happen will not make it happen.  When reality does not meet our expectations, we are left wondering why.  Therefore, expectations can lead to disappointment.

Listen to the 1993 hit song Hey Jealousy, by the Gin Blossoms.  There is a great line in that song, “if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.”  We can learn so much from that one line. 

There is also a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”  We tend to harbor resentment when someone does not live up to our expectations.  Expectations are the root cause of why people fail you.  Expectations lead to disappointment.  Expectations can kill relationships.  Expectations. 

My son and his dog. Nevaeh never has any expectations.

While I try not to have expectations of people, I fail daily.  I have to remind myself that expectations rarely have positive outcomes.  They lead to hurt feelings, anger, frustration, disillusionment, and bitterness.  Eventually you are going to be let down.  Eventually you are going to let someone else down, all because of expectations. 

Dogs never let you down.

You know who does not have expectations?  God.  Nothing you do will ever surprise God.  You can never let Him down.  He will never be angry at you or wish that you did something differently. God will just love you.  Incidentally, dogs are the very same way (Is it a coincidence that God spelled backwards is dog? I think not.)

Our most recent rescue – Ruckus

So today, let go of expectations.  Turn your attention to God when those anticipated outcomes begin to fill your head and ask Him for grace, patience, and understanding. Maybe adopt a shelter dog too, you will not be disappointed (unless maybe you have some preconceived notions, i.e.. expectations). And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you. 

Letting Go

I attend Monday morning mass at monastery. There are these beautiful young trees that line the drive to Our Lady of Sorrow’s Monastery and Father of Mercy Chapel. Based on the shape of the leaf, I am guessing that they are some variety of maple. Each year, they turn the most glorious shade of fiery orange-red in the fall. When they are at their peak, it is quite a magnificent yet peaceful sight especially with the chapel in the distance.

However, I have noticed every single year that all of the trees shed all of their leaves except for one lone tree. This tree has always managed to hang on to almost all of its leaves. I find it amazing that all of the others have released the old growth, but this one tree still clings to its foliage, almost like a security blanket. Each year, leaves are nearly wholly intact, and still as gorgeous as ever as we approach mid November. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this one particular tree does not drop it leaves as all of the other have. All of the others around it are bare.

As I drove up the long drive this morning, the cool autumn air pouring through my sun roof and open windows, I pondered this. Why this one tree? Why not the others? How did it hold on to most of its leaves, when all of the others are barren? What is it waiting for? When will it let go of its leaves? It just doesn’t seem natural. I ponder this very thing nearly every year, and every year it causes great consternation.

The tree that keeps its leaves

This one tree is a metaphor for life…for my life (and maybe for yours too). That one tree, holding on to its leaves, represents me. I tend I hold on to a lot, more than I probably should. Just two days ago marked 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And while I am now cancer free, it is a date and memory that I continue hold onto. And it’s not the only thing that I hang on to, there are past offenses, rejections, relationships, frustrations, and the list goes on. I hold onto these things, almost like a security blanket, because who would I be without them? They define who I am. They are who I am, right?

Trees let go of their leaves to protect themselves, to care for themselves. Shedding leaves helps the tree to conserve water and energy. As unfavorable weather approaches, hormones in the tree triggers the process of abscission. Essentially, the leaves are actively cut-off of the tree. When the abscission process begins, the tree re-absorbs necessary nutrients from its leaves. These nutrients are stored for later use in the roots. Chlorophyll, the pigment that gives leaves their green color, is one of the first molecules to be broken down for its nutrients. This is one of the reasons why the trees change color during the fall. At the end of the abscission process, when the leaves have been shed, a protective layer of cells grows over the exposed area. The shedding of leaves also helps trees to pollinate come springtime. Without leaves to get in the way, wind-blown pollen can travel longer distances and reach more trees. So this “letting go” is essential for the tree’s health, life and continued growth.

Because of this tree, I have come to realize there are things of which I should really let go. Anger. Fear. Resentment. Mistakes. Past hurts. Bad decisions. Second guesses…everything that that is harmful, damaging or destructive. I tend hold on to all those things that are negative, and ruminate on them over and over again. But those things don’t define me. They may have influenced me, but they are not who I am. It reminds me of a quote I once read, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.”

We can learn a lot from nature and from trees. Just as the shedding of leaves is beneficial to the health, life and continued growth of the tree, so is the letting go of all that is negative in our lives. All of those things consume your thoughts and affect your peace.

So today, learn from those experiences, let them make you better than you were and then let them go. And remember, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.” And please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.