#fear – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Fear

What is fear? The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines it as follows. As a noun: 1a: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, b(1): an instance of this emotion, (2): a state marked by this emotion, 2: anxious concern : SOLICITUDE, 3: profound reverence and awe especially toward God. And then also as a transitive verb: 1: to be afraid of : expect with alarm, fear the worst, 2: to have a reverential awe of, fear God, 3 archaic : FRIGHTEN, 4 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself). And finally, as an intransitive verb: to be afraid or apprehensive.

Fear can take the shape of many things. Some people fear dogs, others fear confined places. Some people have a fear of heights, some have a fear of water, others fear flying. There is fear of snakes, fear of spiders, fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of germs, and the list goes on and on. There are so many fears that they are categorized as phobias.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), there are three different categories of phobias: Social phobias: these are also known as social anxiety disorder. This is a fear of social situations that makes one nervous. Agoraphobia: involves an irrational and extreme fear of being in places where it may be difficult to escape. It can involve a fear of crowded places or even of leaving your home. Specific phobias: fear of a specific object such as snakes, spiders, or needles, etc.

I googled fears and discovered there are so many fears that have been identified as phobias, it would be impossible to list them all. I had no idea there was a fear of buttons…buttons of all things. This is called koumpounophobia. There are also fears of colors, specifically black, white and purple, each with their own specific name. (I know black and white aren’t technically colors, but the absence of or culmination of color). There is also the fear of long words, called Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobis.

We all have fears. Some are rational. Some are irrational. And sometimes, we take steps to conquer our fears. Fear can help you move forward or hold you back depending on how you approach it.

At one point, I thought I had a fear of heights. But, in reality, its not really a fear of heights, but rather, a fear of falling. Basophobia is the fear of falling and is relatively common among both humans and mammals. I had the opportunity this past week to work on conquering that fear as my husband and I ascended Dragons Tooth on the AT.

We did some research on the trail and learned that All Trails rated it as Hard/Challenging. We also learned that it was a steep incline with an elevation gain of approximately 1,200 feet. We learned that we should bring ample water (I always have water for my hikes), and that there were steep scrambles to get to the top. But the view was worth it.

We had hiked McAfee Knob the day before. At approximately 8 miles, with an 1,800 foot elevation gain, listed at moderately challenging, I thought it was good preparation for Dragon’s Tooth. I was mistaken.

The entire approach trail for Dragon’s Tooth was a gradual, but steep incline. Then we hit a clearing at Lost Spectacles Gap, where we connected to the AT. I don’t think we were 100 yards in on the AT before the rocks appeared. The higher we got, the more difficult the trail. The last ¾ miles seemed to be a near vertical incline which required scrambling and a little rock climbing. At some point they installed some metal rungs to aid with the ascent.

No fewer than a dozen times was I certain that I would plummet to my death. My husband, on the other hand, relished this adventure. As a former rock climber, he was reliving his heyday. I was simply hanging on for dear life, reminding myself that I could do this, and the view would be phenomenal.

Fortunately, my husband was patient with my Katz-like pace (if you don’t know what that means, read or watch a Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson). We made it to the top in approximately 2 hours, which was quite an accomplishment in my opinion. And the view was worth it!

We were the only ones at the top and spent about an hour exploring and eating our lunch (keep in mind it was only 9am at the time). As we descended, we past several groups of hikers, including a middle aged couple who looked like they just stepped out of a fitness magazine, a group of older women complete with trekking poles and enthusiasm, who were quickly losing their “shine” as they approached the rocky inclines, another 30-something couple who had no water with them, and a young family who thought that hiking this trail with an infant and two toddlers sounded like a good idea.

At the trail head, you’re fearless, ready for the adventure, prepared to kick the trails ass. I am sure each hiker approached the trail with the same enthusiasm, and naivety as I did, truly thinking “how bad could it be”. And while it wasn’t horrible, it was definitely challenging and a bit intimidating for me at some points (particularly the sheer rock face I had to climb up and down). In the end, however, I conquered those fears (without a meltdown, I might add). And it was worth it.

While fear is typically viewed as a negative concept, it isn’t always negative. Fear is a valuable tool if you use it to your advantage and don’t allow it to control you. Fear of God, however, is the most valuable (go back and read that definition of fear at the beginning). Because that fear is not about being afraid, it’s about respect and trust.

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may avoid the snares of death. – Proverbs 14:27

I think part of conquering my fears on the Dragon’s Tooth trail were because of my fear of God. I was truly in awe of God and His creation (that’s fear of the Lord, too). I knew if I trusted where I was, who I was with, and took my time, I would be okay. I would not be abandoned on the sheer rock face. But be assured, there were multiple moments where I was praying. Like it says in Proverbs 14:27, The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may avoid the snares of death.

So today, conquer your fears and cultivate your fear of the Lord. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Darkness

A few weeks ago, I had to drive to Columbus for my regular follow-up appointment and mammogram. The mammogram was among the first ones scheduled that morning and I needed to arrive by 7:30am. It is roughly a 2.5 to 3-hour drive, depending on the traffic.

I left the house well before sunrise, to allow myself plenty of time to get there without undue stress. I am always concerned about encountering deer and wildlife on my drives to Columbus because I prefer to travel the more rural routes and avoid the highways.

While I have had my share of encounters with deer, coyotes, wild turkeys, squirrels, chipmunks, various birds, and turkey vultures, I would choose to deal with them any day over the absentminded, incompetent drivers who travel State Route 70. Although I have never hit a deer, I did have one run into the side of my vehicle, and I have had a turkey vulture fly directly into my grill. (That was fun!) I have seen coyotes up close, in some near misses, and constantly swerve to miss squirrels who have made poor judgment calls on their ability to cross the road.

Even with all of these near misses, it is still the other drivers that concern me the most. It seems like everyone has lost common sense and their ability to drive, or even the ability to practice common courtesy when on Route 70. I am certain that 70 is a corridor on the highway to hell.

That morning, it was dark. There is a saying, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” Whoever coined that phrase was not kidding. It was pitch black that morning just before the break of dawn. I could see very little in front of me even with the high beams on. When I had to turn them off because of approaching vehicles, I could see even less. The darkness obscured everything.

Everybody experiences dark periods throughout their lives. It is inevitable. We are human and we deal with human emotions, struggles of the world, sadness, despair, and darkness. We can be plagued by illness, death, loss, and sadness. As I drove, I thought about these very things.

In these times of obscurity, when the light is dim, it may seem like God is distant, far from us, removed from our lives. However, the moments of our lives that seem bleakest are actually when God is closest to us. But sometimes we are so lost in the blackness that we can’t see Him. We become so enveloped in the despair that we can’t feel Him. We are so deafened by the noisy chaos that we can’t hear Him. The darkness indeed obscures everything.

When I begin to feel overpowered by despair, I remember Job. He was tested. He lost his possessions, his property, and his family. He was afflicted with pain and suffering in his body. His wife and friends rebuked and chastised him. Although Job grows bitter and desperate, “My days have passed, my plans are shattered.” – Job 17:11a, he still seeks God. “Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near.” – Job 17:11b-12. We can learn a lot from Job, from pondering the darkness and the light. The whole book demonstrates the struggle between light and dark, despair and hope, fear and trust.

“My days have passed, my plans are shattered. Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near.”
Job 17:11-12

As I continued to make that morning drive, dawn began to break and things that were once hidden came to view. I drove through the darkness into the light. This was not the first time I have done that, literally or figuratively. But it was beautiful, nonetheless. It is amazing what the light can do.

If you are going through a dark time, remember, no matter how dark it might seem, “A light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” – John 1:5. I will continue to pray for you. And today, please say an extra prayer for me.

The Summer of Jen

My husband went back to work on Monday, August 21st. He is a teacher. His return to work effectively ended the Summer of Jen. If you’re a Seinfeld fan, you know what that means, as it parallels The Summer of George. The episode, The Summer of George, was the 156^th episode and last episode of season 8. George lost his job with the Yankees and effectively took three months off, never changing out of his pajamas and never leaving his apartment.

August 23^rd marked three months since I separated from my previous job. And while I did not spend those three months in my pajamas, I got outside at every opportunity, I enjoyed the Summer of Jen. I spent three glorious months learning what retirement might be like. My husband and I spent as much time in nature as we possibly could. We filled our days with fishing, hiking, and backpacking. We took time to seek out obscure landmarks and hidden local gems. We spent evenings by the campfire, beneath the stars. We planted a huge garden and cooked together, smoking all kinds of meats, mastering the art of curing bacon and trying our hand at canning. We foraged berries and mushrooms, spent more time reading, and took the dogs on countless walks. While we had to dial back some things because I was, in fact, unemployed, it was one of the best summers ever. The Summer of Jen was a summer of freedom. We had no constraints. My husband was off for the summer, and I have been off indefinitely as I continue to search for my next great adventure.

We woke early most days, began our mornings with prayer, reading, walking or rucking, then brunch. On the mornings we went fishing; we headed out a bit earlier and enjoyed sandwiches on the boat. The days we hiked were similar to the days we fished; the days we went on other adventures almost always involved a late breakfast, usually omelets, but sometimes something more elaborate. It was a summer of no schedules, no rules. It was a summer of bliss. We even determined that we would be able to survive retirement together.

I am extremely grateful for the Summer of Jen. I needed that time to reset, to relax, and to learn to appreciate everything that life throws at you, even the things that you may not have wanted but desperately needed.

If I am being honest, I was lying to myself about how wonderful my last job was. It wasn’t wonderful, it was life-sucking, and I was miserable, but I didn’t actually know it. My husband has commented on how happy I have been these past few months. I am beyond happy, I am joyful. And surprisingly, not fearful or worried about the future. I know I eventually have to return to the workforce, but I have been taking this time to figure out who I really am and who I want to be. It is almost like a period of invention or rediscovery.

I helped my son with some home improvement projects during my time off.

I have spent most of my career in the fundraising world, and while I have thoroughly enjoyed that work, maybe it’s time for a change or maybe it isn’t. That’s what I have been trying to discern these past few weeks. I have been trying to hear God’s voice and understand his direction for my life. I have been getting a strong sense that I am supposed to “come home,” but I am not sure where “home” is.

Then this morning, I woke up groggy. I packed my husband’s lunch for work and sat down to read. (I am currently reading Miracle in Darien). About 30 minutes into reading, I had this strong sense that I should get ready and go to the 8am mass at Blessed Sacrament. As I sat waiting for the service to begin, I again got a strong sense of needing to “come home.” I was reflecting on this “feeling” as mass began, unsure of what it meant.

Mass started. Deacon Bob gave a great homily tying the first and second readings together on this Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. Little did I know that this mass was being offered for my Dad. When the petitions were read, that is when I discovered the intention of the mass. It was a bit overwhelming because of how I actually ended up at mass in the first place.

And while I still don’t know what I am supposed to do next and am not really sure what “come home” means, I do know that I was supposed to be at mass this morning and that God is doing something in my life. Until it is clear to me what that next step is, I will continue to trust in God’s providence for my life. I will continue to enjoy this break. Although the Summer of Jen has officially come to an end, the sabbatical, the rediscovery, the reinvention is still in process. I will continue to find joy in the change and uncertainty.

I hope if you are dealing with uncertainty, with change, or even with challenges, you are able to find the joy and find your path. Until then, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Peace Be with You

As we approach Easter Sunday, I have been looking at the different readings and gospels that are coming up. The second Sunday of Easter always features the gospel reading from John 20: 19-31.

A few years ago, we went into lockdown due to the COVID pandemic. It happened during the Lenten Season, around the 15th of March 2020. No one would have predicted that we would still feel the aftershock three years later. While we experienced various stages of lockdown, quarantine, remote learning, and telework options, during that time, I also gained a new perspective in looking at the Gospel of John 20:19-31.

The opening passage states, “On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” The apostles are in what seems to be a fearful and impossible situation. In that very instance, what did Jesus do for them? He gave them His presence. “He came and stood among them.” And He gave them His peace. Not once, but two times He said, “Peace be with you.”

Jesus wanted to be sure that the disciples knew that it was, in fact, He who was with them. He showed them the unmistakable evidence of not only His crucifixion but also His resurrection. “He showed them His hands and His side.”

During this appearance, Jesus renewed His disciples, giving them courage and a strong sense of purpose. He brought them peace, stating once again, “Peace be with you.” And he gave them their calling; “As the Father has sent me, even so, I am sending you.” Then He breathed on them, saying, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” Jesus then gave them power and authority, stating, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, they are withheld.”

As Christians, we must be strong in our witness for Christ, in sharing His teachings and preaching His Gospel. We must be able to advocate for authentic biblical, Christian faith in the midst of all that is occurring in our broken world; we need the same gifts that Jesus gave to his disciples. We need Christ’s presence and His peace. We need the unmistakable evidence of His death and resurrection for our very salvation. We need a renewed sense of purpose, calling, the Holy Spirit, and His authority.

When the disciples see Jesus Christ risen from the dead, their hope is restored, and they have the courage and strength to face all of the challenges that lie ahead, defending their belief and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and spreading his message of peace, hope, and love to others.

Not only in the season of Easter but every single day, Jesus offers all those very same gifts to us. All we have to do is accept what He wants to give us freely. Will you accept all of the gifts and blessings that God has for you?

So today, remember that Jesus is with you always. Be open to accepting the peace He wants to give you. Allow Him to strengthen you, especially if you are going through a time of struggle or uncertainty. Turn to Him; He will renew you. He will give you courage and sense of purpose. Remember that you are a child of God and are loved beyond measure; there is a purpose for your life, for your pain, for your suffering. God uses everything…everything. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Wounds

I had some foot surgery just over two weeks ago. When I scheduled the surgery, I didn’t really think much of it. It was just routine surgery to correct a joint impingement, no big deal. Just a couple of days off my feet, no cast, no boot, just some rest and reduced activity. It was outpatient, scheduled at 8:30am, and I was home by 12:30pm.

My son drove me home and I propped my foot up. I was still a bit groggy from the anesthesia and I dozed on and off on the sofa until the painkiller wore off. Once it wore off, well let’s just say that I finally realized the impact of my surgery. My foot hurt. And it hurt pretty badly. So, I decided to take a look at said foot. It was wrapped in a bloody bandage that I was not allowed to remove for 5 days. And the really great news (this is sarcasm) was that I was not allowed to shower. Not allowed to shower?!?! Really? I shower daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. This was going to be rough.

I know you have to clean and dress your wounds in order for them to heal. But that bandage would be staying in place until I went back to the doctor for my post-op follow-up. But as I was pondering cleaning and dressing wounds in order for them to heal, I realized that everybody has wounds beyond the physical, into the mental, emotional, and spiritual.

At some point in life, everyone has experienced some deep injury that has caused heart-wrenching pain. Everybody has been wounded. But a lot of time we choose to deny that these wounds exist, or we ignore them in hopes that they will simply go away. Other times we throw salt on those wounds and exacerbate them to a point where they cause greater agony now than when first inflicted. And sometimes we just slowly pick at them until they become raw and unbearable, never able to properly heal.

The day the bandage came off…gross, I know

Everybody deals with wounds differently. Rarely do we care for those wounds properly. This could be caused by fear, pride, weakness, vanity, anxiety, arrogance, lack of confidence, and the list goes on.

What I learned today is that we need to care for those wounds, even if that means we have to ask for help in doing so. Healing of wounds requires compassion, honesty, trust and vulnerability, a willingness to open yourself up to others and connect. It also requires patience and understanding and the ability to forgive – to forgive others and to forgive yourself.

Today, be kind to yourself, be open to being vulnerable, be patient and practice forgiveness, and may any old wounds with which you may be struggling be healed. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Letting Go

I attend Monday morning mass at monastery. There are these beautiful young trees that line the drive to Our Lady of Sorrow’s Monastery and Father of Mercy Chapel. Based on the shape of the leaf, I am guessing that they are some variety of maple. Each year, they turn the most glorious shade of fiery orange-red in the fall. When they are at their peak, it is quite a magnificent yet peaceful sight especially with the chapel in the distance.

However, I have noticed every single year that all of the trees shed all of their leaves except for one lone tree. This tree has always managed to hang on to almost all of its leaves. I find it amazing that all of the others have released the old growth, but this one tree still clings to its foliage, almost like a security blanket. Each year, leaves are nearly wholly intact, and still as gorgeous as ever as we approach mid November. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this one particular tree does not drop it leaves as all of the other have. All of the others around it are bare.

As I drove up the long drive this morning, the cool autumn air pouring through my sun roof and open windows, I pondered this. Why this one tree? Why not the others? How did it hold on to most of its leaves, when all of the others are barren? What is it waiting for? When will it let go of its leaves? It just doesn’t seem natural. I ponder this very thing nearly every year, and every year it causes great consternation.

This one tree is a metaphor for life…for my life (and maybe for yours too). That one tree, holding on to its leaves, represents me. I tend I hold on to a lot, more than I probably should. Just two days ago marked 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And while I am now cancer free, it is a date and memory that I continue hold onto. And it’s not the only thing that I hang on to, there are past offenses, rejections, relationships, frustrations, and the list goes on. I hold onto these things, almost like a security blanket, because who would I be without them? They define who I am. They are who I am, right?

Trees let go of their leaves to protect themselves, to care for themselves. Shedding leaves helps the tree to conserve water and energy. As unfavorable weather approaches, hormones in the tree triggers the process of abscission. Essentially, the leaves are actively cut-off of the tree. When the abscission process begins, the tree re-absorbs necessary nutrients from its leaves. These nutrients are stored for later use in the roots. Chlorophyll, the pigment that gives leaves their green color, is one of the first molecules to be broken down for its nutrients. This is one of the reasons why the trees change color during the fall. At the end of the abscission process, when the leaves have been shed, a protective layer of cells grows over the exposed area. The shedding of leaves also helps trees to pollinate come springtime. Without leaves to get in the way, wind-blown pollen can travel longer distances and reach more trees. So this “letting go” is essential for the tree’s health, life and continued growth.

Because of this tree, I have come to realize there are things of which I should really let go. Anger. Fear. Resentment. Mistakes. Past hurts. Bad decisions. Second guesses…everything that that is harmful, damaging or destructive. I tend hold on to all those things that are negative, and ruminate on them over and over again. But those things don’t define me. They may have influenced me, but they are not who I am. It reminds me of a quote I once read, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.”

We can learn a lot from nature and from trees. Just as the shedding of leaves is beneficial to the health, life and continued growth of the tree, so is the letting go of all that is negative in our lives. All of those things consume your thoughts and affect your peace.

So today, learn from those experiences, let them make you better than you were and then let them go. And remember, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.” And please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

Living the Dream

Surprisingly, to others and to myself, I am in a good place right now. You would think that someone facing cancer and a mastectomy in less than two weeks, along with the uncertainty of knowing the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan, might be in a dark, soulless, sad place. I’m not. I am happy, I am at ease, I am content. I am not scared, I am not worried, I am not anxious. In a word, I am peaceful.

When I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am as surprised as anybody by my mental and emotional state. I mean, shouldn’t I be stressed? Shouldn’t I be frazzled? Shouldn’t I be dismayed? Shouldn’t I be nervous? Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

And then I saw a quote shared by a friend on Facebook that read, “You can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” It really struck me. You see, God and I weren’t really close friends until about two and a half years ago. I mean I believed in God, but I didn’t really have a relationship with Him outside of attending the obligatory Sunday service. And even that didn’t happen with much regularity. I was pretty closed off to God. He was some far distant being that I really didn’t understand and I was pretty certain He did not really know me.

Inspired by my work with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR; I decided I would give a relationship with God a chance. I mean, I was working for these women who had these incredible relationships with God, but I really didn’t. They were happy, joyful, peaceful. I was not. The difference, God was a part of their lives; God was not a part of mine.

So I began attending Sunday mass regularly, then a couple of masses during the week. At first it was sporadic, but then it grew into attending the daily mass. I would skip Saturday, because I thought I needed to sleep in. Yes, lame, I know. Then one Saturday, I was awake early, so I went to mass. Over the course of a few months, it developed into a daily habit…attending mass. I know that habit developed because of the influence of the sisters.

I have been attending daily mass for just over two years. Now on the days, that I do not go to mass, there is a little bit of an emptiness. I miss it. It affects the rest of my day. Fortunately, the days that I miss are few and far between because daily mass is a priority for me. And while I no longer work for the sisters, I still try to attend mass at the monastery at least once a week.

Most of my mornings begin with mass at the high school or at Holy Rosary (the church is right across the street from the school and they have a 7:00am mass Tuesday-Friday). But today I decided to attend 8:00am morning mass at my own parish, Holy Family. I knew the pastor would hear my confession this morning, and I wanted to get right with the Lord before surgery.

There was a reason I was at that mass. Aside from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation and seeing some people whom I have not seen in a while, Monsignor’s homily spoke directly to me. It was based on the responsorial psalm, and the theme – trust in the Lord, do not fear. He asked the congregation, “Do you trust in God? If you do, you will not be afraid.” It was in that moment that I realized that I truly do trust in God to handle this whole cancer thing for me, because I am not afraid. I am at peace. I am happy. Overall, my life is great and I am living the dream. I’m just living the dream with a little bit of cancer.

Yes, there are moments when doubt and fear creep in. There are moments when the uncertainty overwhelms me. I would be lying if said that didn’t happen. It does, but not often. Generally, I am good. No, scratch that, I am great! I got this, because God has got this.

So I will heed the advice contained in Psalm 56, “In God I trust, I shall not fear”. The verse that really touched me, 10B-11: “Now I know that God is with me. In God, in whose promise I glory, in God I trust without fear; what can flesh do against me?” That mass, that homily, that verse reinforced for me that you truly “can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” A little cancer can’t break me.

So today, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. Trust in God and don’t let anything break you. Please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

It's Not What You're Losing, It Is What You Gain In The Process

Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?” I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick. I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic. I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great! In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.

But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.

When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.

But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.

I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.

I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool. At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful.

The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun

I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.

I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out. We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me.

I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf.

It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one. I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery.

We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

What Are You Afraid Of?

What are you afraid of? This question has been in my head for the past few days, well probably since Friday. I am not sure what prompted this question or why it came to mind. But it has been there.

Maybe because, as we are approaching Halloween, I tend to watch more shows about ghosts and haunted places than normal. Those shows tend to frighten me, temporarily, in so much that I don’t want to let the dogs out or go to the basement by myself at night. And I will never watch those shows when I am home alone. But I don’t really think that’s fear, I think that is simply over analyzing everything and an over active imagination based on what I have just seen.

So I really started to think about what I am afraid of and while I would love to say nothing, there are some things that do cause fear. I am not a big fan of heights. But I wouldn’t call it a fear, more of an uneasiness. I can be on the top floors of tall buildings, walk across bridges and look over, I did the Sky Walk at the Grand Canyon, and I actually want to try sky diving. I don’t care for crowds or confined spaces, but again that is not fear just preference. So maybe I don’t necessarily have fear maybe its more like worry. Because there are a number of things that concern me.

Yesterday was a beautiful fall day, so my husband and I decided to go for ride on our motorcycles. When we ride we have a communication device that allows us to talk to each other on our bikes. We were riding back roads taking in the gorgeous autumn scenery. My husband typically leads when we ride together so he was about 2 bike lengths ahead of me. We were talking about the beautiful day, the trees, the falling leaves, the general beauty of the landscape, and how much we were enjoying the day. As we were coming up route 213 just past Bell Chapel, a full-sized red pick-up truck was straddling the center line and the driver was on his cell phone. I saw him, and fortunately my husband saw him and was able to swerve out of the path of oncoming truck. It was an “oh, shit” moment. In fact, I am certain that I said that very statement more than few times in those few seconds. Then I immediately asked if he was okay. Thank God he saw the truck and had the presence of mind to swerve out his way, thus averting a fatality. Because that is exactly what it would have been, a fatality. Thank God.

As we rode on, I continued to think about that incident and what could have happened. What could have happened if I would have been leading? What could have happened if my husband didn’t see the truck? What could have happened if the driver had a different reaction and came farther over into our lane? What could have happened if this had occurred 100 yards sooner on the blind curve that we just rode through? What could have happened if…fill in the blank. And then I thanked God again, that none of those “what, if’s” happened.

That’s when the question, “What are you afraid of?” came back to mind. And I realized what I am not afraid of. I’m not afraid of dying myself, but losing my spouse, my son, my family members and those that I care about concerns me. I lost my father less than two years ago, and let me tell you that loss does not get easier with time. You just learn how to better deal with that empty space, but that pain never really leaves you – ever.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years, so I really can’t imagine my life without him. We do everything together. And the fact that we came so close to something THAT catastrophic was eye-opening to say the least. But that led to other thoughts which stem from the “what, if” scenarios. I worry about how my family would handle my death (if something should happen to me) and how they would handle life after my death. I wouldn’t call it fear, but I would call it concern.

And as I thought about what I was afraid of, I thanked God – again, that I wouldn’t have to address those fears, those concerns, at least not today. Somebody was watching over us on that ride (Thank God). Was it our guardian angels? Was it our deceased family and friends? Was it St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers (we have St. Christopher medals sewn into our motorcycle jackets)? Was it God? Was it all of the above?

Then I realized that with faith, I don’t need to be afraid of anything. And it was almost as if God had been asking me what I was afraid of, because I didn’t – I don’t need to be afraid. I just need to be patient, have faith and trust in God.

Do not be afraid.

It is said that the phrase or some version of the phrase; “do not be afraid”, “fear not, or “have no fear”, appears 365 times in the Bible. I am not a Bible scholar, so I don’t know if that is true. But I do know that it is Bible numerous times. Here are few of my favorites:

Joshua 1:9 “I command you: be strong and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD, your God, is with you wherever you go.”

Mark 5:36 “Do not be afraid; just have faith.”

Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

So today, rather than think about what you are afraid of, be not afraid. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.