#joy – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Keeping Score

My husband and I went fishing last week. One final day on the lake before summer would come to a close, and he would return to school. (He is a teacher). We love to be outdoors, fishing, hiking, backpacking, camping, gardening, or walking the dogs. If it provides us with an opportunity to get out of the house, we take it.

Our day began uneventfully. We had an easy boat launch, and the lake was nearly empty as it was the middle of the week. This made for perfect fishing conditions, in my opinion. Things started slowly. I was throwing my go-to lure that always catches fish. I have so much faith in that lure that I have 5 of the same lure. Yes, that’s right, 5. I started with 3 of these lures. I had lost 2 of them. One to a nasty deep-water snag that I could not free, and one to some big ole fish that bent my pole and snapped my line. It was likely a catfish or a carp. When I was down to my last lure, I ordered more. Four more, to be exact. That lure is the lure with which I always start my day of fishing.

This summer has been very, very hot and extremely humid. I am not a fan of heat or humidity. We could jump right from spring to fall, and I would be completely delighted by that. Because of the excessive heat, I wasn’t expecting much from this day on the lake, other than to be out and enjoying God’s magnificent creation. Then it happened, a gentle tug on my line, and I pulled in a decent bluegill.

I am usually fishing for large-mouth bass, but I am happy to reel in any fish, although carp sometimes give me anxiety. There is just something about them that makes me uneasy. But they are kind of fun to fight.

The bluegill was a fighter and a nice little chunk. I gently removed the hook, my husband took a picture, and I released him back to the water. I am sure he would have some stories to tell his fishy friends.

We continued to fish the shoreline. Thirty minutes later, I snagged another one. This bluegill was similar in size to the last one, but I thought sure I had a crappie on the line. No matter, catching fish makes me happy. Once again, I removed the hook, my husband took another picture, and he rejoined his friends in the water.

At this point, I have caught two fish in less than an hour. My husband has caught zero. That didn’t seem to bother him in the least. He was just happy to be out (with me) on the lake. He says I am very competitive. I suppose I am, because I did remind him that I have been out fishing him all summer.

Proof that my husband has caught fish this summer.

Guess what? 30 minutes later, I landed #3. This little fish wasn’t much bigger than my lure, but he put up a heck of a fight. And now I’m up 3-0.

We decided to move to a different location, an area where we had never fished before. It certainly looked like the perfect spot. There was shade, and structure, and the wind was blowing into that area. Excellent conditions for fish. We fished there for about 40 minutes with no luck.

Proof that I have caught more fish. Not that I am keeping score.

My husband commands the boat. He usually fishes the area first, and then I follow up behind him. It was getting late in the morning, and the heat was beginning to exhaust us. Then it happened. I tossed my lure right next to a downed log. I was sure I got it too close and snagged it. But that snag was a fish, and it was a big fish (in comparison to what I had already caught). He hit my lure as soon as it dropped, and the race was on. I knew this was a good fish, and I didn’t want to lose it. I took my time, kept the rod tip bent, and worked my retrieve to keep him away from the prop. And I landed him. A beautiful largemouth bass, probably around 3lbs, my biggest fish of the day, and the nicest bass I caught all year. I was elated, giddy, ecstatic, and just could not contain my excitement.

And guess what, my husband was excited for me too! It didn’t matter that he had caught nothing that day (except for a stick and a leaf). He was happy for me. It didn’t matter that I had caught 4 fish that day, while he barely had a nibble. He was just enjoying the day, and he was celebrating my joy with me. The score didn’t matter. In fact, he wasn’t keeping score.

You know who else doesn’t keep score? God doesn’t keep score; we do. As humans, we have this need to keep score of everything, not just how many fish we catch. We keep score of who paid for lunch last, who called whom last, who drove to the movies, who invited whom to dinner, who apologized, who sent the last text, you get the picture. We constantly keep score, and then harbor resentment when things don’t go the way we think they should.

But God doesn’t keep score (and that is good news for us). When you stop keeping score, you can thoroughly enjoy the moment and celebrate with others. My husband did that. Who caught what didn’t matter. What mattered was that we were together, appreciating the natural world, had no other commitments or responsibilities that day, and we were fortunate enough to catch some fish.

God celebrates with us in all of our joys and comforts us in all of our sorrows. He never keeps score.

So today, stop keeping score. Enjoy the moment, rest in God’s goodness, and know that you are enough. You don’t have to measure yourself against others by keeping score. God loves you just the way you are. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Who knows you the best?

I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.

Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.

How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.

This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.

Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.

I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.

My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.

So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

It’s the Journey, Not the Destination…Or Is It?

Have you ever heard the maxim, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey? Or as T.S. Eliot indicated “The journey, Not the destination matters…” Well, I am not sure that is entirely accurate.

Our entire life is a journey, every single day. Each day, each hour, each minute, and each breath of our entire lives is part of our journey. And every person’s path is as unique and original as each individual. Nobody will have the same exact trek as you. Nobody. Just like nobody will have the exact same experiences or relationships as you will have throughout your life.

The journey is inevitably filled with ups and downs, peaks and valleys, highs and lows. There are seasons of drought and seasons of growth. There are challenges and successes, births and deaths, gains and losses. Your journey will take you to some beautiful places, it will also take you to some places that you might not want to go. But throughout this wonderful expedition called life, you will meet some amazing people who support you on this excursion. They will help you through those rough patches and maybe even light the way for you when there is darkness. They are the blessings that I referred to in my last entry. And they will celebrate with you, help you find joy, and provide aid when you need help.

My best friend from high school and I had an epic adventure on the AT last year. She is one of the blessings in my life.

The journey is significant. It is important to appreciate each day that you are given, to see the value of every opportunity that comes to you, to live in each and every moment, to seize the day, and to not wish your life away. It is our individual journeys that form us. It is the culmination of those experiences that make us exactly who we are. It is the influence of those relationships that help build us or break us.

So yes, the journey is critical. It is most definitely a truly beautiful thing. However, as Christians, the destination is really what matters in the end. Where, exactly, are we going? Are we living a life and following a path that will get us to our intended destination?

You see, we should all be striving for heaven, to spend eternity with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. That should be our goal, our end destination. Our earthly journey is just how we get there. Are we living lives that glorify God? Are we being a light, a blessing, to others? Are we exemplifying the love of Christ? Paul says in Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”

And if we take a look at Paul, he had quite an incredible journey, from a guy who persecuted Christians, to a man to preached the good news, shared the gospel, and died for Jesus Christ. If Paul can experience that kind of change, then there is definitely hope for me.

So today, enjoy the journey, with all of its beauty and pitfalls. And be a light and a blessing to those around you. But remember it is the final destination that really matters, so make sure you are on the right path. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Memories, Confession, and REO Speedwagon

This memory came up on my Facebook feed yesterday. It is from December 19, 2018. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember that day very vividly. I actually read the feed while I sat waiting for Sunday Morning mass to begin. Coincidentally, I had been pondering going to confession before Christmas. Even though it is dated and I now longer work for the Franciscan Sisters, I thought it was worth sharing.

December 19, 2018
I really do not like going to confession. I know there are some people that enjoy it, they feel liberated and restored and, therefore, receive the sacrament of reconciliation often. I don’t experience that same “joy”. The thought of confessing my sins, whether it is to a priest I know well or to a total stranger, makes me feel physically ill. I become anxious and agitated and eventually talk myself out of going to confession at all. That would explain why in the past 25 years, I may have gone to confession half a dozen times.

Confession by Florida Georgia Line

But now I work for religious sisters, sisters who receive the sacrament of reconciliation weekly. I mean I already kind of feel like a heathen when I am with them, but now I feel even more like an unrepentant sinner because I don’t like the process of atonement. In the 3 years that I have worked for them, I have gone to confession 3 times. That 3 times is included in the 6 times that I have gone in the past quarter century. One of those times was today.

There is a priest who comes every other week to hear confessions at the Mother House for the sisters. I asked if I could sign up for one of the confession slots. One of the sisters was kind enough to put me on the schedule for this afternoon. Then this morning before mass began, I had a change of heart. I just wasn’t feeling the whole “let’s go confess our sins” thing. I had decided that I would take my name off of the schedule. I’m not going to confession, no big deal, right? Wrong.

There were several tiny little signs that were telling me I needed to go to confession today. The first one was before I even got to work. I was coming down the drive to work when I was overcome by a profound feeling of sadness. It hit me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning. I started thinking about my Dad, how Christmas was less than a week away and that this would be the first Christmas without him. All of these thoughts are running through my head as I pull into the parking space and I notice a deer in the grass at the edge of the lot. The Reverend Mother had told me that the deer symbolizes God’s grace. Immediately, the feeling of sadness left me. Amazing!

Fr. Gregory said mass this morning, and he opened up mass talking about REO Speedwagon’s song “Keep on Lovin’ You.” He said that is why we are here, to love Jesus. It made me smile and kind of laugh to myself. REO Speedwagon’s cassette, Hi-Infidelity, was the first tape I ever bought. That is the album which contains “Keep on Lovin’ You”. Really? What are the chances of that actually coming up in mass – ever. It caused me to reflect on the happiness of my childhood. I can still remember listening to that tape in a tape recorder, sitting on the wall along the drive of the house on Whitehaven when I was nine years old. That memory makes me smile.

Fr. Gregory had a great homily about how God bears fruit in us, even when we might not see it. We just need to be open to the work He will do within us and through us. Then he closed mass by stating that he would be available for confession if anybody would be interested. I sat in the pew dumfounded. Alright, I get it. So I went to confession.

It is amazing the ways in which God will speak to you if you only listen. It is amazing the work He will do in you and through you if you only open yourself up to that possibility. I never thought it was possible, to hear God, but now that I have, it is pretty amazing what He says. Today, listen for God to speak to you; it may even happen through an REO Speedwagon song.

As I prepare to share this, I am also getting ready to go to morning mass; morning mass at that very monastery. I am not sure who the celebrant will be or what words of wisdom he might share, but I am looking forward to listening for God to speak to me today. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Lessons from Dogs (Family and Gratitude)

I love dogs. I actually love animals, but I am partial to dogs (and cats). My blog title probably should have included dogs and food.

I spend most of my free time with my dogs and all of my time with them when I work from home. There is even a dog bed in my home office so they can stay close to me. I love my dogs, all four of them. Cats are great, but they can be fickle and aloof and independent. And they are not always happy to see me. Dogs, on the other hand, are loyal, loving, and always happy. Wiggle butts are a real sign of happiness.

Cuddles by the fire with Ruby and Charlie

I identify people by their dogs and I know the dog before I know the human. I remember a dog’s name better that I remember a person’s name. I am sure there are a number of people in my neighborhood who know me because of dogs. I walk them every day. Sometimes one at a time (that’s a lot of walking with four dogs) but most days I walk them in twos – the littles and the bigs, as I affectionately call them. The littles are Bailey and Charlie; they are also the two youngest each weighing under 50lbs. The bigs are Ruby and Eve, the two older dogs who both weigh in at over 50lbs. I know that people identify me because of my dogs since I have been stopped in the grocery store or at a local festival and asked, “Aren’t you that lady from Crestview that has all the dogs?” Yes, that’s me.

Hiking Adventures

We walk everyday (weather permitting). I alternate who will get the first walk. Upon departing the house, with all doors closed behind me, I can hear the mournful howling or anxious barking of whichever two were left behind. Everybody wants to be first. The littles get the longer walk, usually 2-3.5 miles and the bigs a shorter walk that rarely breaks 2 miles. I know the names of most of the dogs in our neighborhood, but like I said earlier, I don’t necessarily know all of the names of their owners. And that’s ok. Dog people are okay with that, being identified by their furry companion, or companions in my case.

We have a very dog-friendly neighborhood filled with all types of dogs, big dogs and little dogs, senior dogs and puppies, furry dogs and short haired dogs, fat dogs and thin dogs, pure-breds and mutts. And their owners, my neighbors, also come from every spectrum imaginable, men and women, young people and retirees, liberal and conservative, natives and transplants, white collar workers and blue collar workers, and a multitude of nationalities and races. But the dogs don’t view each other by their different backgrounds or by the categories of gender, age, race, religion or political persuasion. They view each other as coming from the same family – canis lupus familiaris.

They are all dogs. It doesn’t matter if they are registered with the American Kennel Club or adopted from a shelter, if they are male or female, neutered or spayed, young or old, shaggy or short haired. They are happy to have the opportunity to walk through the neighborhood with their owners, run in their fenced in yards, chase a ball, play frisbee, roll in the grass, dig in the yard, lie in the sun, bark at passersby, or just sleep on the porch. You see, dogs don’t have an agenda or expectations. They are not worried about impressing each other or out to serve some self-interest. If you take some time and watch a dog, you can see clearly see what gratitude and happiness looks like. They are an example of pure, unadulterated joy. Dogs take nothing for granted. They have low expectations, they are accepting, and the love unconditionally. They delight in the simple things in life; a run/walk with their owners, the company of friends, the opportunity to play, and moments to sit, rest and just be.

You see, we can learn a lot from dogs. It doesn’t matter where they came from, what their current situation is, who their owners are, or how they came to be where they are. They are all part of the same family – canis lupus familiaris. They are dogs. And they know gratitude. Gratitude leads to joy.

Maybe if we started to treat each other as part of the same family – humankind, and less like all of the labels that we attach to ourselves and to one another, we would be better able to operate from a place of gratitude and travel that path that leads to joy. Today, look beyond someone who is not like you and see and appreciate the human being who they are. Be thankful for the simple things in your life. And take that first step on the path to joy. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Jet Trails, Saturday Afternoon Walks, and Beauty

I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.

If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.

jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19

It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.

I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.

With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.

I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.

But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.

As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.

It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.

It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?

It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Lessons from Dogs

I have been reading the book The Fifth Mountain, by Paul Coelho. There is a lot of wisdom packed into this book. A passage that I read last night struck me: “A child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.” I read it before bed and pondered it as I fell asleep. Each time I woke in the middle of the night, I contemplated it even more.

Now some people might not fully understand this or appreciate this, but I am a dog person. Full blown dog person. We have rescued 4 dogs in the past six years, two of those dogs in the past 3 months. I have a t-shirt that reads “Dog Mom” (although I also have a 30-year-old son and an 18-year-old son). I have a mug that reads “I love dogs. It’s people that annoy me.” And I spend most of my free time with my pack. The two youngest dogs (Charlie and Bailey) sleep with my husband and me every night. I let them lick my face and crawl in my lap. Even Ruby, our largest dog at 55lbs, thinks she is lap dog. I will even share my beverages with them. I would rather drink after my dog than drink after another person (my husband and sons are the exception). They can get me muddy and I love to wrestle and cuddle them. When they get sick, I don’t become nearly a queasy (but I still don’t handle it all that well) as I do when a human in my house has the same problem. Therefore, I relate most things to my dogs and not to people.

When I read that passage, I immediately thought of my dogs. I know most people would reflect on children, not me. I’m not great with kids, nor do I really relate to them even though I have experience in raising them and being around them. But dogs – my dogs – have taught me the same things, especially in these uncertain times.

The events of the past few weeks have not phased them. They have adjusted quite well to the new normal of having humans with them all the time. They have found joy in spending time with their people, going for more walks than normal, getting bathed more frequently (thanks to the torrential rains and resulting mud we have experienced this past week), watching movies (I thought the dogs needed to see Bolt), and just generally living their best lives. They are the epitome of happiness. I am pretty sure the shelter in place order is their idea of paradise. They love their people, love being with their people, never tire of their people, and are just generally appreciative of spending time with their people, no mater the situation. Right there is a huge lesson we can learn from dogs – Appreciate the people in your lives.

My dogs are always busy with something, even if its sleeping. They pack a lot into their days and help us pack a lot into ours as we all learn to navigate this new normal. The daily walks not only keep them busy and active, but also help us fill in our time and get some exercise and fresh air. They get us outside to play ball in the yard. When indoors they wrestle, play tug of war, and even keep the cats on their toes by playing with them (a combination of wrestling, tag and hide and seek). They spend hours chewing, working on deer antlers or Nyla-bones. But best of all, they know when their people need them. When we need a break from the stress that inevitably sneaks into our days because of the strangeness that COVID-19 has brought into our lives; they nudge us for an ear rub, lay on our feet, lick our faces, or put their paws into our laps letting us know that everything will be ok – eventually.

Lastly, the dogs make no bones about (no pun intended) letting us know exactly what they want or need. They each tell us when they need to go out. Eve (our oldest dog) has an internal alarm that lets her know when it is dinner time and when its time for her bed to made up for the evening (that’s another story). She proceeds to announce those times to our household daily. Ruby will let us know when she doesn’t have to go out and when she just wants to sleep. And she snores like a drunken sailor. She will reluctantly join the pack in regular outings only because she knows eventually, she will be forced to. Charlie tells us when he wants to play fetch and tug of war by bringing us toys. He’s like a little energizer bunny. Bailey lets us know when she needs some cuddles by putting her paws on your leg until you pick her up. If you are standing up, she will sit between your feet until she has your attention. And if we haven’t given them enough attention or spent enough time with them, they let us know by singing the song of their people or by just generally being persistent with nudges, playful growls, and happy barks. When all else fails, they climb – uninvited – into our laps.

I can’t help but think that maybe this is what God is doing right now. Trying to get our attention. Trying to get us to slow down and return our focus to Him. Trying to get us to re-order our priorities. Many people have kicked Him out, haven’t made room or time for Him. I think maybe He is trying desperately to get back into our lives.

As odd as it sounds, there have been so many blessings in the midst of this chaos. While I cannot attend daily mass like I normally would, I have been attending virtually with Fr. Michael Gossett. He has celebrated mass everyday for the students, parents, faculty and staff of the Steubenville Catholic Schools (and anyone who wishes to attend). That is a blessing in and of itself. The bigger blessing is that my husband has been participating with me. I have actually gotten to spend time with my 18-year-old son. We have had dinner together nightly as a family. We have also had movie night and a family Atari tournament. We are talking more, reading more, praying more. We are checking in more often on family and friends, and we are spending less time on the superficial meaningless things that have filled our lives. Those are real, tangible blessings.

Spicy Asian Chicken Lettuce Wraps for dinner

So today, lets learn from dogs how to be happy and how to stay busy within in all the turmoil. And especially today, let’s give God the praise and the attention that He deserves. Look for the blessings buried within the chaos and the confusion. I promise you; they are there, and they are abundant. Please continue to pray for all of those on the frontlines and in the trenches as we continue to battle the coronavirus pandemic as a community. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Living the Dream

Surprisingly, to others and to myself, I am in a good place right now. You would think that someone facing cancer and a mastectomy in less than two weeks, along with the uncertainty of knowing the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan, might be in a dark, soulless, sad place. I’m not. I am happy, I am at ease, I am content. I am not scared, I am not worried, I am not anxious. In a word, I am peaceful.

When I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am as surprised as anybody by my mental and emotional state. I mean, shouldn’t I be stressed? Shouldn’t I be frazzled? Shouldn’t I be dismayed? Shouldn’t I be nervous? Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

And then I saw a quote shared by a friend on Facebook that read, “You can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” It really struck me. You see, God and I weren’t really close friends until about two and a half years ago. I mean I believed in God, but I didn’t really have a relationship with Him outside of attending the obligatory Sunday service. And even that didn’t happen with much regularity. I was pretty closed off to God. He was some far distant being that I really didn’t understand and I was pretty certain He did not really know me.

Inspired by my work with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR; I decided I would give a relationship with God a chance. I mean, I was working for these women who had these incredible relationships with God, but I really didn’t. They were happy, joyful, peaceful. I was not. The difference, God was a part of their lives; God was not a part of mine.

So I began attending Sunday mass regularly, then a couple of masses during the week. At first it was sporadic, but then it grew into attending the daily mass. I would skip Saturday, because I thought I needed to sleep in. Yes, lame, I know. Then one Saturday, I was awake early, so I went to mass. Over the course of a few months, it developed into a daily habit…attending mass. I know that habit developed because of the influence of the sisters.

I have been attending daily mass for just over two years. Now on the days, that I do not go to mass, there is a little bit of an emptiness. I miss it. It affects the rest of my day. Fortunately, the days that I miss are few and far between because daily mass is a priority for me. And while I no longer work for the sisters, I still try to attend mass at the monastery at least once a week.

Most of my mornings begin with mass at the high school or at Holy Rosary (the church is right across the street from the school and they have a 7:00am mass Tuesday-Friday). But today I decided to attend 8:00am morning mass at my own parish, Holy Family. I knew the pastor would hear my confession this morning, and I wanted to get right with the Lord before surgery.

There was a reason I was at that mass. Aside from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation and seeing some people whom I have not seen in a while, Monsignor’s homily spoke directly to me. It was based on the responsorial psalm, and the theme – trust in the Lord, do not fear. He asked the congregation, “Do you trust in God? If you do, you will not be afraid.” It was in that moment that I realized that I truly do trust in God to handle this whole cancer thing for me, because I am not afraid. I am at peace. I am happy. Overall, my life is great and I am living the dream. I’m just living the dream with a little bit of cancer.

Yes, there are moments when doubt and fear creep in. There are moments when the uncertainty overwhelms me. I would be lying if said that didn’t happen. It does, but not often. Generally, I am good. No, scratch that, I am great! I got this, because God has got this.

So I will heed the advice contained in Psalm 56, “In God I trust, I shall not fear”. The verse that really touched me, 10B-11: “Now I know that God is with me. In God, in whose promise I glory, in God I trust without fear; what can flesh do against me?” That mass, that homily, that verse reinforced for me that you truly “can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” A little cancer can’t break me.

So today, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. Trust in God and don’t let anything break you. Please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

Cancer as a Blessing

The past few weeks have been a whirl wind of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, tests, meetings with medical professionals, paperwork, questionnaires, insurance inquiries, etc. It has been quite overwhelming but it has also been extremely blessed.

It is funny how a cancer diagnosis changes things. I realize that is a gross understatement, and I am sure most people immediately think that it changes things in a negative way. And while the initial diagnosis threw me for a loop and caused me to immediately focus on all of the things I had not yet done, all of the things still I wanted to do and on my family and how this was going to impact them, as the reality set in, so did the blessings.

You see this year has been an intense series of ups and downs in my life. A number of things have occurred which I had not been expecting and they have been peppered in throughout the entire year. The year began with some really bad colds, which progressed into some other health concerns. That was just the beginning. Then I lost my job, wasn’t able to collect unemployment, and wasn’t really sure if I wanted to continue on my current career path.

Cue the most supportive husband in the world. He stepped up, taking on more consulting work, so that I could figure my stuff out. He even encouraged me to consider some other options, asking “what would you do if you could anything you wanted?” I could not answer that question.

I have done fundraising and advancement work for over 20 years. While it definitely has it challenges and can be draining, it is incredibly rewarding. I love meeting people and hearing their stories, learning what they are passionate about, and building meaningful relationships. I have gained so many friends through my work, I cannot imagine doing anything else. And these are friendships that have continued even after the jobs have ended. So when the opportunity came for me to return to my alma mater to lead their advancement efforts, I accepted the challenge.

When I lost my job in May, I was sad, depressed and a little bitter. I had truly loved that position and could not understand why God would take that joy from me. I really didn’t get it and was really angry about the whole situation. I had intended to retire from that position – that is how much I loved what I was doing and for whom I was working. But God had other plans, other plans that I really didn’t understand until just a couple of weeks ago.

I was offered my current position in June and began in July. One of my first orders of business was to reconnect, re-engage and partner with our high school alumni. So I made a phone call to a gentleman with whom my brother had graduated in an effort to plan a regional event and reach out to others. That phone call resulted in connecting with others who would help plan the event. Eventually we had a dinner meeting to discuss options. The reason I share all of this is that it is because of those interactions that I have formed new friendships (with my brother’s friends) that would not have otherwise occurred had it not been for losing my job and accepting my current position.

One of those friendships happens to be with a Nurse Practitioner with whom I shared my diagnosis. After the initial diagnosis, I wasn’t able to get in to the Cleveland Clinic to get a second opinion, so I accepted that as a sign that I should just move forward with the initial plan of action for treatment. When I shared my diagnosis with my friend, she encouraged me to get a second opinion. And not just a second opinion but a second opinion from one of the leading cancer hospitals in the country, The James at OSU. I’ll admit that initially I was bit apprehensive. I just wanted to trudge on through and take care of this “stuff” now. But after much discussion with her and my husband, we decided that a second opinion was a good idea. And had it not been for this new friendship, I would have never considered going to the The James nor would I have been able to schedule the appointments. She did so much for me, and she probably doesn’t even realize it.

This is why I say, God knew what He was doing back in April. When I thought my life was completely unraveling, God was behind the scenes planning it all out. I could go into great detail about how all of this unfolded to demonstrate just how God has worked through all of the things that I thought (at the time) were going to cause me to come undone. About how the cancer was discovered, really through a fluke, about how friendships have grown out of this illness, about how people come into your life for a reason (and sometimes you might never know what that reason is), about how kindness spills out when you least expect it but need it the most, about each of the blessings that came from what I thought initially were curses. There is so much I could share, but I won’t. (That could actually become a book.)

What I will tell you is that this cancer diagnosis, even with all of the still unknowns, has been a blessing. A real blessing. Who knew that it could be, I certainly didn’t think that before, but it really has been. It has revealed to me all of the wonderful people in my life, it has shown me an incredible amount of love and kindness, it has formed new friendships and strengthen old relationships, it has taught me that I have everything I need, it has made me realize how much I actually take for granted and it has made me rely more on my faith and place my trust in God.

In the first few days after my diagnosis, I was angry and depressed. I couldn’t understand why God would now give me this. I sat in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters Monastery and asked God what He wanted from me. I remember getting this impression that He wanted everything. I didn’t understand what that meant which made me more angry, because I felt like I had been giving Him everything I had. But now I think I realize that He just wants me to trust Him, completely. So I am working on that – complete trust in God.

A lot of times I think that looks like not getting our way, not getting what we want, but there is always a greater plan. God has a greater plan for each of us, are we open to His plan? Today, be open to God’s plan for your life, even when it is dressed as a struggle and looks painful. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Axes, Beer, Hiking, and Joyful Exhaustion

My husband had to wake me up this morning. Let me mention that I usually wake up a good thirty minutes before my actual alarm. So I am normally awake around 5am. But this morning, he came in at 5:29am and asked if I was going to work today. I was startled to say the least, one because he ran into the corner of the bed which kind of shook me awake, and two, because for me, I had effectively over slept.

The over sleeping part has been bothering me all day. I don’t over sleep and I certainly don’t sleep so soundly that I don’t hear my husband when he gets up in the morning. But I guess I was tired, really tired.

We have just come off of a weekend that jam packed with adventure and shenanigans. We began Friday evening with dinner at home, but soon decided to head to a local brewery, Dungeon Hollow, for a beer. Well, one beer turned into two which turned into a tour of brewery, which is in old home that was built in 1806. That turned into a sharing of ghost stories and other adventures. While we were not out all that late, anything after 8pm is late for me.

We returned home around 9pm and I fell asleep in front of the fire with my dog, Ruby, by my side. At some point, I finally got up and went to bed, leaving my husband abandoned in his recliner. He had also fallen asleep. Cue Saturday morning.

We were up fairly early to have breakfast with our 18-year-old son. His treat, he wanted to take us out. So we headed out for breakfast around 8am. That meant I missed morning mass, but I figured God understood and probably even approved of this time together with family.

It was delightful morning. We talked and laughed and really got to spend some meaningful time together. When we parted ways, our son headed to work (he works at a local hardware store) and we headed to Pittsburgh. We went with friends for a day of ax throwing and beer sampling (In that order). It was fantastic day, and I am grateful for the time that we got share with family and friends.

But once again, I was exhausted. We talked about going out that night; there was a band playing at Dungeon Hollow on Saturday evening, but it was raining and I was kind of done with beer for the day. I know that might sound profane to some you who know me well. But it was the truth. So we opted to stay in, order pizza and chill out for the night. Besides, we had another big day planned for Sunday.

We got up early Sunday morning and headed to mass at Holy Rosary. They have an 8:30am mass and we wanted to get an early start. We were headed to Coopers Rock to go leaf peepin’. The day began grey and rainy, and we weren’t entirely sure if the weather would cooperate with our plans to view the leaves and do a little hiking. Our original plans were to take the dogs with us, but the downpours the night before left the ground very wet and muddy. So the girls stayed home, much to their chagrin.

By the time we arrived, the sun had burst through the clouds and it was shaping up to be a gorgeous fall day. It was just about as perfect as you can get. We spent some time on the overlook then hiked a couple of different trails before heading back to the car.

What do we do after hiking, drink beer, of course! We headed to Mountain State Brewing for some beer and pizza (try the Yardsale) before heading back home.

While it was an exhausting weekend, it was quite honestly a perfect weekend. We did little, if any housework – except for a load of laundry here and there. We left the grass unmowed and leaves strewn about yard. We spent time together as a family, we spent time with friends, and we got to enjoy the beauty of God’s creation. It was the best possible way to become exhausted. I wasn’t tired from work, or chores, or errands. I was tired because I had a full weekend with family and friends.

We are all so busy that we don’t really ever seem to get enough quality time with family and friends. When we finally have the time we are usually too tired to do anything meaningful. But this weekend was different. This weekend we made spending time with others a priority. I will take that kind of tiredness, that joyful exhaustion from hanging with family, spending time with friends, going on crazy adventures, sharing stories and toasting beers, any day over the fatigue of work, chores, errands, and general mundane busyness.

Today I am grateful for family, friends, food, axes, beer, hiking, and exhaustion; the kind of joyful exhaustion that comes from living your best life. I hope you have the opportunity to experience joyful exhaustion and that kind of gratitude, too. Today, I hope you live your best life. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.