#kindness – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Pouring Out

Last Sunday, May 24^th, was Pentecost Sunday. There was a Mass at The Father of Mercy Chapel, which is located at Our Lady of Sorrows Monastery in Toronto, OH. Celebrating Mass with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR is always a special event.

If I am being honest, Mass in general has been quite a challenge for me lately. I mean, I haven’t been getting a whole lot out of it. I am distracted, distant, and most of the time, annoyed – annoyed that another person has decided to sit next to me when there are plenty of open pews with no other attendees in any of those pews, annoyed by the families who allow their children to run through the church like it’s a playground, annoyed by the couple talking too loudly throughout the entire service, annoyed that the homily has gone in so many directions that I am now lost and have completely lost focus. To sum it up, I am simply annoyed when it comes to Sunday Mass. And that is not a good thing, but it is a human thing.

That annoyance has caused some serious introspection, particularly after the homily on Pentecost Sunday. While the homily did run the gamut for themes, ideas, and synopsis, I admittedly did get lost and irritated. But there was a profound statement that the homilist made about “pouring out”.

Pentecost is a time of “pouring out”, a pouring out of the Holy Spirit. Pentecost commemorates the day the Holy Spirit was poured out on the believers in a powerful, visible way, as tongues of fire. As described in Acts 2:1–4: a sound like a mighty wind filled the house, tongues of fire rested on each disciple, and they were filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in other tongues. And while the homily focused (at least initially) on this pouring out of the Holy Spirit, I was focused on a different pouring out, which has nothing to do with beer or bourbon.

The pouring out I visualized had to do with an emptying of self, pouring out all that is negative, destructive, cruel, manipulative, deceptive…fill in the blank with anything that is basically harmful. I felt like I was being told to pour out all the things that were weighing me down. Things like guilt, worry, resentment, bitterness, anger, and fear. This was a pouring out that I think I needed, to pour out those damaging thoughts and feelings that I think most of us tend to hold onto, that conversation that didn’t go as planned, that friend who turned out not to really be your friend, that job you wanted, that reaction you were expecting that didn’t come, etc. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to empty myself first, by pouring out those detrimental things to make room for all that He had in store for me. I had to be “empty” to make space for what God wants to pour out into me, which includes those fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I had to get rid of the bad to make room for the good.

I have realized that emptying negativity is a daily practice. You have to make space for joy. You have to make space for God. So what are you going to pour out today? Are you willing to make room for something better?

Some of the things we made room for last month

So today, let go of the negativity, make room for joy, and let the Holy Spirit pour out upon you. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

What Does Love Look Like?

Last week, our youngest dog, Bailey, had to have surgery to repair a cruciate ligament injury. Yes, I know she is a dog. Yes, I know the surgery is expensive. While people have been very supportive in their responses to this information, I know there are some who are probably wondering why we would invest so much in a dog. I will answer that question later.

Bailey, after one of her many doctor’s appointments to find out what was ailing her. We were getting a pup cup.

We had to drop Bay off for surgery on Tuesday morning. I will admit that I almost cried leaving her at MedVet Pittsburgh, but I knew Dr. Snow and her staff would take great care of her. I also knew if Bailey was going to return to her active level of exuberance, joy, and craziness (I call her Crazy Train), this surgery was absolutely necessary. Bailey is one of our hiking/backpacking dogs. Since her injury, including her inability to take long walks, let alone hike, she has been visibly depressed. (yes, doggie depression is a real thing). And she had to stay overnight.

Fortunately, we spent Tuesday evening at our son’s house, having dinner and then doing a little shopping for home improvements with him. That kept my mind off of Bailey, who, by that time, had come through surgery with flying colors but was in ICU recovery for the night. The team sent us pictures of her following her surgery and called with updates. She was monitored throughout the night. They would call in the morning, letting us know when we could pick her up.

By Wednesday morning, both my husband and I were ready to get Bay. And her canine siblings were beside themselves with worry. They had no idea why we left with Bailey and then returned without her. Each dog thoroughly searched and searched the house and vehicles for her, to no avail.

She was quite tired when she first came home

Dr. Snow called by 8:30 a.m., and we picked Bailey up at 10 a.m. We had thorough training on what to expect, how to care for her post-surgery, when to administer her medications, and even how to help with rehabilitation and administer PT. We were told that she was the best patient they had ever had. I’m not surprised. She is such a good dog.

Tux, the cat, checking on her black and white sister

Because she needed to wear an e-collar whenever she was not monitored, we made every effort to be with her. She has been with us 24/7 since she came home. We have even adjusted how we sleep so that she does not have to wear the cone of shame. My husband and I have taken to sleeping on an air mattress on the floor with her between us. We split our time during the day, so she is never alone. And our other dogs are so happy that she is back in the pack. I think they even know that she is recovering and are quite gentle with her.

I share all of this because this is what love looks like in our family. And the dogs, all of them, including our sons’ dogs, are part of our family. Love looks like doing what is best for another in need (including your dog). Love looks like distracting your mom, so she doesn’t worry. Love looks like sleeping on the floor. Love looks like the treats that your own mother brought over for the recovering patient and her siblings. Love looks like the phone calls we got checking on Bailey. You can find love everywhere if you look. It’s not too hard to see love in action.

Love looks like a lot of different things to a lot of different people. But what real, true, unconditional love really looks like is Christ on the cross dying for the sins of all. You and me, even those who don’t yet know Him and even those who don’t want to know Him [but Jesus hopes (as do I) that they will come to].

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

So today, show some love to someone else. It can be a kind word, a phone call, an invitation, a hug, an email, a text, a meal, a note, or your time. It can be a hello to a stranger, a wave to your neighbor, giving the old lady your seat, or letting the frantic young man ahead of you in line. Love is limitless. And today, show me some love; please pray for me. I will continue to pray for you.

Peace Be with You

As we approach Easter Sunday, I have been looking at the different readings and gospels that are coming up. The second Sunday of Easter always features the gospel reading from John 20: 19-31.

A few years ago, we went into lockdown due to the COVID pandemic. It happened during the Lenten Season, around the 15th of March 2020. No one would have predicted that we would still feel the aftershock three years later. While we experienced various stages of lockdown, quarantine, remote learning, and telework options, during that time, I also gained a new perspective in looking at the Gospel of John 20:19-31.

The opening passage states, “On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” The apostles are in what seems to be a fearful and impossible situation. In that very instance, what did Jesus do for them? He gave them His presence. “He came and stood among them.” And He gave them His peace. Not once, but two times He said, “Peace be with you.”

Jesus wanted to be sure that the disciples knew that it was, in fact, He who was with them. He showed them the unmistakable evidence of not only His crucifixion but also His resurrection. “He showed them His hands and His side.”

During this appearance, Jesus renewed His disciples, giving them courage and a strong sense of purpose. He brought them peace, stating once again, “Peace be with you.” And he gave them their calling; “As the Father has sent me, even so, I am sending you.” Then He breathed on them, saying, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” Jesus then gave them power and authority, stating, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, they are withheld.”

As Christians, we must be strong in our witness for Christ, in sharing His teachings and preaching His Gospel. We must be able to advocate for authentic biblical, Christian faith in the midst of all that is occurring in our broken world; we need the same gifts that Jesus gave to his disciples. We need Christ’s presence and His peace. We need the unmistakable evidence of His death and resurrection for our very salvation. We need a renewed sense of purpose, calling, the Holy Spirit, and His authority.

When the disciples see Jesus Christ risen from the dead, their hope is restored, and they have the courage and strength to face all of the challenges that lie ahead, defending their belief and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and spreading his message of peace, hope, and love to others.

Not only in the season of Easter but every single day, Jesus offers all those very same gifts to us. All we have to do is accept what He wants to give us freely. Will you accept all of the gifts and blessings that God has for you?

So today, remember that Jesus is with you always. Be open to accepting the peace He wants to give you. Allow Him to strengthen you, especially if you are going through a time of struggle or uncertainty. Turn to Him; He will renew you. He will give you courage and sense of purpose. Remember that you are a child of God and are loved beyond measure; there is a purpose for your life, for your pain, for your suffering. God uses everything…everything. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

The Parable of the Sower

I have been reading the gospels that discuss the parable of the sower in Matthew, Mark and Luke. There is a lot packed into this parable. It says a lot about each of us as we can choose our own type of ground. Will we be rocky or shallow ground, will we be choked by weeds, or will we be rich and fertile soil? We decide how open we are going to be to God, and we choose if we are going to follow Jesus. This parable addresses everyone regardless of where they are in their faith journey and their relationship with God.

But rather than thinking about this parable from the perspective of the ground and the seed, I have begun to look at it from the perspective of the sower. The sower is not selective. He freely sowed his seeds, planting them in all places; on rocky paths, in shallow soil, amongst, the weeds, and on fertile ground. He didn’t pick and choose where he would place the seed. He was indiscriminate and he was generous. Think about that for a minute. Indiscriminate and generous, kind of like Jesus.

How indiscriminate are we in sharing kindness? How generous are we in showing love to one another? Or do we only show kindness to those who are kind to us? Are we compassionate to the strangers that we meet, particularly those who are in need? Or do we silently judge them and sneer at their current situation? Are we patient in situations that call for patience (traffic, the checkout line, dealing with family)? Or do we rush through everything in life, filled with self-importance and never having enough time? Do we love with the love of Christ, loving others regardless of who they are? Or do we only love those who are easy to love? We are called to be like Jesus, but are we?

My herb garden – one of my favorite things about summer

There are numerous opportunities throughout the day to share the love of God with others. These are opportunities for us, as common everyday people, to evangelize, to be Christ to others. But we all too often miss those opportunities. We are so busy looking inward that we miss what is around us. We miss the opportunity to show kindness to be compassion, to be examples of Christ’s love in a broken world.

We are both the soil and the sower. Maybe today, we can be better sowers and spread the seeds of love and kindness everywhere, indiscriminate about where and with whom we share these gifts. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Judgment

I have been reading the gospel of Mark lately. Mark’s gospel begins with the baptism of our Lord Jesus Christ. It doesn’t begin with His genealogy and birth, like Matthew and Luke, but with His ministry. Much of the gospel of Mark talks about how Jesus was judged for his actions, for the people with whom is associated, or for not honoring the letter of the law.

Here is a man who is healing people. He starts with the man with the unclean spirit, then proceeds to heal Peter’s mother-in-law. So, what do they do, they bring other people to Jesus to be healed. What a sign of faith! And people began to seek out Jesus (that is something we should all be continuing to do today). “And he went throughout Galilee, proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out demons.” Mark 1:39.

Jesus then heals the leper and the paralytic. He continues to preach and teach. He is doing good work, and the judgment begins. How often do we judge people by their actions without knowing the entire story? How often do we judge people based on their circle of friends without even knowing anything about those individuals, only on what we’ve “heard” about them? How often do we adhere to the letter of law but fail to act in the spirit of the law? Everything is not always what it seems to be. Not everyone is who or what we have been told they are. Not everything is black and white, there are a million nuances of gray.

I am guilty of all of those things, and I am guilty of them daily. I am not proud of that statement, but it is entirely true. It is entirely too easy to make decisions about people, situations, or circumstances without having all the information. We see this in the news and on social media. Unfortunately, we are bombarded with lies, falsities, opinions, propaganda, etc. because of the availability of and access to technology. What we see and experience affects us, and we don’t always take time to find the facts before reacting. Of this, I am also guilty.

Maybe we need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Maybe we need to realize that there are other factors that are at play and that we don’t have the entire scenario or the complete story. Maybe we need to stop and think of ways that we can help rather than hinder and replace judgment with compassion.

Maybe today we can be just a little bit kinder, a little more empathetic, a little bit humbler, a little more respectful. Maybe today we can look for Jesus in one another, maybe we can be Jesus to one another, and maybe just be a little bit better than we were yesterday. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

What’s In It For Me?

What’s in it for me? Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.

This really started with going to Sunday mass. You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily. Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses. Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful.

Photo by David Eucaristu00eda on Pexels.com

Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest. I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass. But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience.

While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service. In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me. I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy. I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.

At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love. But, you know, sometimes change is good. So, we tried a different parish. And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious. There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life. Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it. Because I don’t want to be there. And that makes me feel guilty.

This is not a good feeling for me. Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored. But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry. I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service. So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.

Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while. He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.” And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear. I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable. That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass.

Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness. And that’s when the backslide began. So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”. And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us. We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him. So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life. Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me.

Tux the Cat stayed with me while I convalesced

So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others. And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Believe – Binge Watching Ink Master

The COVID19 pandemic and the shelter in place order has stretched on for weeks now. I believe we are in the middle of our ninth week. During this time, I have worked from home, which has actually been quite productive. In my free time, I walk the dogs, work out, read, do yardwork, plan our family dinners, clean, and pray. I rarely watch TV. All of my friends are binge watching different series on Netflix and I have no idea what they are talking about.

Taking COVID precautions at a follow-up doctor’s visit

Don’t get me wrong, I like television. I love to watch Chopped on the Food Network and Ink Master on Paramount or reruns of sitcoms like Seinfeld. However, most of the tv shows I like are not available on-demand, like American Dreams (Remember that show?), Party of Five, or Parenthood. No matter, though, because I have all of those series on DVD. I also have The Brady Bunch and Facts of Life…don’t judge me.

But a couple of weeks ago, as my husband and I were talking about our next tattoos, I suggested that we watch the Ink Master series and all of its spin-offs from the beginning. On that particular day, the weather was crappy, we were kind of tired, and just didn’t feel like doing too much. And thus began our journey into binge watching. We typically watch approximately 3 episodes in the evening and we are already up to season five.

Binge watching with a cup of Earl Grey tea

On Sunday May 16, we settled in to watch season 5 episode 12, which featured Deangelo Williams, whose mother and aunts all died of breast cancer. The show was a tribute to breast cancer survivors. Obviously, this episode touched me personally. All the women receiving tattoos were breast cancer survivors who had had mastectomies. They were getting the area of the mastectomy tattooed (this is something that I would like to have done when my surgeries are complete). Also, during the episode, the tattoo artists had to design a tribute tattoo for Deangelo in honor/memory of his mother. The winning designer got to tattoo him. (Cleen Rock One had the winning design and gave Deangelo the tattoo). The thing that struck me the hardest was the evening that we were watching it was the same day Deangelo William’s mother passed away from breast cancer – May 16^th. Now what are the odds that I would watch that episode on that day? I am actually getting goosebumps as I type this.

I never thought I would have a tattoo, let alone eight of them. Yes, eight. The most recent (and the shortest tattoo session I might add) is the word, “Believe”. It is on my left forearm. I never thought I would have a tattoo in that location, but I do. I always worried about being able to cover them up, because what would people think? I am learning not to really care what other people think. If they are going to judge me because I have tattoos (and ride a motorcycle), then I probably don’t want to be friends with them anyway. Every tattoo I have means something, tells some part of my story. Deangelo Williams said the same thing about his tattoos – they tell the story of his life. I like that.

Believe is something that I have wanted to get for a long time. Believe is the word that Harry Houdini used whenever things got challenging or difficult or seemed impossible. In fact, BELIEVE was the secret message that he devised with his wife to test spiritualist seances should he or she die. It is a word that means a lot to me. I had that word printed on the back of t-shirts that I had made for my softball players back in 2011, when our season was extremely challenging. But it has taken on an even greater importance after dealing with breast cancer. My husband and I refer to “believe” often when things are troublesome in our own lives. He surprised me and got the very same tattoo on his right forearm. When we hold hands, the tattoos face each other. (Yes, he is a keeper, I already know.)

While 2020 has been a strange and challenging year, 2019 was the year that really tested my faith and made me question my belief in God. It was a tumultuous year, and when I thought it really couldn’t get any worse, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was then that “believe” meant something more. My faith and my belief in God using everything for the greater good, that is the “believe” that got me through.

I’m not going to lie, during the whole year of 2019, I argued with God, bargained with Him, got angry with Him, questioned Him, and even cursed Him, but I never stopped believing in Him and His infinite goodness. I don’t understand why that particular year was such a shit-show, but it was. But it was wrapped in grace and mercy, and so much good came from it. The “Believe” tattoo is a reminder of all that I have overcome because I did “believe”, and will continue to remind me to believe in God, in myself, in the goodness and kindness of others, in love, in faith, in purpose, in friendship, in that truth -that all things work together for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28).

So today, believe, regardless of the circumstance, and have faith that you are right where you are meant to be. And please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.

Jet Trails, Saturday Afternoon Walks, and Beauty

I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.

If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.

jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19

It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.

I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.

With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.

I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.

But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.

As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.

It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.

It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?

It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

It's Not What You're Losing, It Is What You Gain In The Process

Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?” I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick. I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic. I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great! In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.

But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.

When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.

But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.

I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.

I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool. At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful.

The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun

I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.

I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out. We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me.

I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf.

It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one. I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery.

We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Everybody Hurts

The following passage from Romans is part of my personal email signature:

Romans 5:3-4 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…

I will admit, I added it after I was diagnosed with cancer more as a reminder for me than anything else. So it has been part of my email for about a month now. The first week I began including it, I read it every time I sent an email. But as time passed, I read it less often. It finally got to a point where I had actually forgotten that it was part of my signature.

Then last week, I needed to send an email to a company from whom I had ordered some items for Christmas. I sent the email from my personal account, stating the reason for my inquiry and asking for a reply. I didn’t think anything about the passage from Romans when I sent it because, frankly, I had forgotten that it was there.

Then I got a response from Candace, the customer service associate, who handled my inquiry. This is the exact text from her email:

Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for reaching out to us, I have taken a look into your order and the scheduled date of arrival is 12/15. If there is anything else that I can do please let me know.
P.S. The closing scripture in your email is absolutely beautiful and powerful you never know what impact words really can have on someone. I Thank you for that!!!

I share this because what she wrote in her post script is so true, you never know the impact that words can have on another person. I am grateful that this scripture passage spoke to her. I know it spoke to me when I read it, so much so that I added to my signature. But I am also grateful for all of those people who have reached out to share their words of hope and encouragement and those who continue to reach out as I begin this journey with cancer…this journey I never ever thought I would be taking. But I am.

And while it is difficult for me to accept this as suffering (I am not in pain, I haven’t had surgery yet, I have not begun treatment, I don’t feel sick, etc.), I realize it is just maybe a different kind of suffering (I am mentally exhausted, I am physically fatigued, I am spiritually drained, I am emotionally worn out). I also realize that everyone is dealing with some kind of suffering in their life, and most of the time we have no idea what that looks like for them.

Remember the REM song, Everybody Hurts? Well, it’s true. Everybody does hurt – sometimes, we just don’t know how or why. Suffering is something very private and very unique to each person. So be kinder than necessary and remember that your words can make a tremendous impact. They can hurt or they can heal. They can inspire or tear down. They can touch a friend or impact a total stranger. Words have power.

Thank you to all of you who have called, emailed, texted, messaged me, sent notes and cards and letters. Your words, your kindness, has made an incredible impact. I am grateful for each of you. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.