I had some foot surgery just over two weeks ago. When I scheduled the surgery, I didn’t really think much of it. It was just routine surgery to correct a joint impingement, no big deal. Just a couple of days off my feet, no cast, no boot, just some rest and reduced activity. It was outpatient, scheduled at 8:30am, and I was home by 12:30pm.
Ready for surgery
My son drove me home and I propped my foot up. I was still a bit groggy from the anesthesia and I dozed on and off on the sofa until the painkiller wore off. Once it wore off, well let’s just say that I finally realized the impact of my surgery. My foot hurt. And it hurt pretty badly. So, I decided to take a look at said foot. It was wrapped in a bloody bandage that I was not allowed to remove for 5 days. And the really great news (this is sarcasm) was that I was not allowed to shower. Not allowed to shower?!?! Really? I shower daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. This was going to be rough.
My bloody bandaged foot
I know you have to clean and dress your wounds in order for them to heal. But that bandage would be staying in place until I went back to the doctor for my post-op follow-up. But as I was pondering cleaning and dressing wounds in order for them to heal, I realized that everybody has wounds beyond the physical, into the mental, emotional, and spiritual.
At some point in life, everyone has experienced some deep injury that has caused heart-wrenching pain. Everybody has been wounded. But a lot of time we choose to deny that these wounds exist, or we ignore them in hopes that they will simply go away. Other times we throw salt on those wounds and exacerbate them to a point where they cause greater agony now than when first inflicted. And sometimes we just slowly pick at them until they become raw and unbearable, never able to properly heal.
The day the bandage came off…gross, I know
Everybody deals with wounds differently. Rarely do we care for those wounds properly. This could be caused by fear, pride, weakness, vanity, anxiety, arrogance, lack of confidence, and the list goes on.
What I learned today is that we need to care for those wounds, even if that means we have to ask for help in doing so. Healing of wounds requires compassion, honesty, trust and vulnerability, a willingness to open yourself up to others and connect. It also requires patience and understanding and the ability to forgive – to forgive others and to forgive yourself.
Healing, but still looking gross
Today, be kind to yourself, be open to being vulnerable, be patient and practice forgiveness, and may any old wounds with which you may be struggling be healed. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.
Tired dogs after their walk.
If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.
jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19
It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.
I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.
With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.
I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.
My new co-worker
But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.
Sleepy puppy. Walks wear her out..
As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.
It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.
Spring sunset
It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?
It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I never imagined that at the age of 47, I would have so many doctors. I have primary care physician. That one makes sense, everybody should have a PCP. I have an OBY/GYN. That makes sense too, being a woman and all. But I also have an orthopedic surgeon, who I have seen far too often. I guess that’s because I am active and work out. I have had Achilles tendon surgery and have had to see him for shoulder and rotator cuff issues. Fortunately, I haven’t had to see him in a while. I have a podiatrist. Really at the age of 47 I need a foot doctor? I have one. I have a hand specialist too! I also have a cardiologist and a pulmonologist. Who knew that once I hit 45, I would have a need for all of these doctors.
Yesterday, I got to add another doctor to my ever growing list – well two actually. Yesterday was also my stepson’s 30th birthday, so it was kind of a big day. The 30th birthday, that’s kind of a turning point in everyone’s life. I mean at 30, you really are a full-fledged adult. So November 6th has always been a day that I remember. But yesterday, that date became a day that I will now remember for other reasons. November 6th was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got to add Oncologist and General/Breast Surgeon to my ever growing list of doctors.
Let’s just say that I didn’t think that I had breast cancer. I just haven’t really felt right the past several months, (since around March). Just kind of fatigued, short of breath, just not myself. That is how this journey began, with the PA/NP at my PCP, who referred me the cardiologist and things just progressed from there. It had absolutely nothing to do with my breasts!
I mean I had found a lump, just a few weeks ago but to me that was normal because I have fiber-cystic breasts. It really wasn’t a big deal. I have had lumps before. And I just had a mammogram at the end of April. The results were fine. Less than a week after I found the lump, I had a CT scan and there were some concerns when the results came back. And it was the PA/NP from the cardiologist’s office who had the greatest concern and ordered another mammogram and ultrasound. Those tests – the ultrasound in particular indicated an anomaly. They wanted to do a biopsy. Okay, this is just precautionary, better to be safe than sorry. That was done on Monday November 4th. I wasn’t supposed to get my results until tomorrow.
The PA/NP from cardiologist’s office is wonderful. She calls me after hours, texts me, and checks on me. She had asked me to check-in with her after the biopsy. Well, I didn’t check in with her until Tuesday evening. I wanted to let her know that it had been done and that I was sore and uncomfortable – it was worse the day after. We exchanged some texts. She has been very supportive and helpful and seems more like a friend that my health professional. She sent me a text later in the evening and asked me to stop in the office in the morning. Initially, I thought she just wanted to check the incision because I had kind of been complaining about it in our texts.
That wasn’t why she wanted to see me. She had gotten the pathology report about an
hour or so after we exchanged our texts on Tuesday night. She didn’t want me to
have to wait until Friday. She didn’t
want me to have to endure the weekend without any answers. She wanted me to see an oncologist
immediately and know exactly what I was facing and what my options were.
When she walked into the office, I knew immediately. To be honest, I actually sensed it the night before. Actually, I just had feeling about all of it, even before the mammogram, etc. I kind of knew when the CT results came back and they needed to run more tests. I guess I really knew I had cancer before I knew I had cancer. I just didn’t know what kind of cancer; and I certainly didn’t think it was breast cancer.
But I have breast cancer. And I have been talking to God about all of this, even before the diagnosis, trying to figure out what it is He is trying to show me or teach me through all of this. I think one thing is that I need to rely on Him and others more; to ask other people for help and not try to take this on all on my own. As my sister pointed out to me, she said, “I know you’re a private person…but you may need some help.” I am not great at asking for help or sharing anything that is personal or private – especially when it comes to how I feel. I know I have wonderful family who are there for me, not to mention an amazing husband and son who have been an incredible support over the past 24 hours. (my diagnosis is just over 24 hours old).
And while I have breast cancer, I also have my faith and God will give me the strength and the resources to get through this. He has already given me my family and my friends to support me. He has given me amazing health care professionals who have called to check on me and gone above and beyond to get me what I need. (The PA/NP from my PCP called me yesterday afternoon.) He has given me my TOR Sisters and my Crusader family who are praying for me. So, from where I stand, God has got me covered. No matter what lies ahead, I know something amazing will come out of this trial. Like my tattoo says “trust unto God and He will direct your path”. So today, please pray for me in a special way and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 