#conversations – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Tattoos, Scars, and Acceptance

I watched the sunrise in the rearview mirror as I drove to Columbus this morning. I was headed out for one of several doctors’ appointments that I have over the next few days.

Today’s first appointment was to take measurements with the PT department. This is to make sure there is no swelling in my extremities and that I am not developing lymphoedema. The second appointment was with the plastic surgeon’s office, just to make sure everything “looks” right. My surgeon has actually left OSU, so I saw the nurse practitioner, with whom I am very familiar. Her name is Hannah, and after talking with her a bit before the exam, she asked if I did anything fun this summer. I answered, “I got a new tattoo.” I laughed when she asked if she could see it, because this tattoo covers up the scar from my mastectomy. Of course, she could see it. In fact, she kind of had to see it as part of the exam.

I know I tend to talk about tattoos a lot. But that’s understood; I mean it is included in the title of my blog. It’s the first word. Tattoos kind of tell my story, the story that I don’t share with everyone. But I always find it funny when people meet me for the first time, then find out later that I have tattoos. There is always this surprise. And then there is this look, like the thought running through their mind is “I didn’t know I was better than you”.

I always wonder why people are surprised when they learn that I have tattoos. Yes, that is plural. I have more than one. Actually, I have numerous tattoos. First, I think it is because I have a professional job, that I’m responsible and dependable. Then I think maybe it’s my age. I am almost fifty and I am the parent of two adult sons. Or maybe because I’m pretty strait laced, buttoned up and direct. Whatever the reason, I am usually met with surprise when people find out “I’m tatted up”.

Just this past weekend, while enjoying a Friday evening with some co-workers, the topic of tattoos came up as a few of us in the group have multiple tattoos. We were discussing tattoos in general, what people thought of tattoos, why people get tattoos and our individual tattoos. That was when I asked one of the men in our group (whom I just recently met) if he would have suspected that I had tattoos. And he answered yes because “you’re edgy”.

I needed a beer and cigar after the tattoo discussion.

I wasn’t really sure how to take that. My husband thought it was a compliment. But me, I wasn’t sure. The conversation kind of left me unsettled only because I had never been called “edgy” before and it bothered me a bit. Normally, I’m not one to care what anyone thinks. While I’m not sure if I really cared, the word edgy seemed harsh, sharp, maybe even dangerous. I kind of liked the dangerous part.

I decided to look up the definition of edgy later that night and this is what I discovered. The primary definition of edgy is nervous, tense, or irritable. However, the second definition is at the forefront of a trend, experimental, or avant-garde. Okay, I can see his perspective. Maybe I am a little edgy.

Edgy or not, I think I am pretty self-aware. I know myself, my limits, and my capabilities. And I know who I am, now more so than ever. One thing that I know I am is Catholic. And I find myself telling more and more people that I am whether they ask or not. I’m not really sure why I do this, but I do. Maybe because I know who I am and I want other people to know too. I’m comfortable in my own tattooed skin.

Yes, I pray. And yes, I pray for you. Yes, I attend mass, and go to confession, although not as often as I should. Yes, I screw up and make mistakes. And yes, I sin, a lot, although probably a lot less than I did in college. I am, most times, a beautiful mess, but I’m God’s beautiful mess (and my husband still claims me and loves me too through all of my messiness and brokenness).

It took me along time to embrace the Catholic faith, even though I have been Catholic my entire life. I didn’t always claim it. In fact, at one point, I would have considered myself an agnostic. But then Jesus found me and he wouldn’t let go. Yeah, he has that kind of love for each one of us.

At first, I was convinced this wasn’t possible, me – sinful, scarred, broken – to be loved by God. But He is persistent, even when we are not.

There is a line from a Sugarland song, Take Me As I Am, that says “They keep yelling about my tattoos, we all live with the scars we choose. They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger”. It is one of my favorite songs and that is one of my favorite lines.

We all have scars. Sometimes we get tattoos to cover them up. But we also live with those scars and they will make us stronger if we let them. But the real clincher is in the title – Take Me As I Am. You know who does that always – Jesus. No matter what, he accepts you just as you are, scarred, broken, bruised, confused, angry, frustrated, upset, sad, lonely, irritated, tattooed and edgy.

So today, be yourself, be who you are and give it all to God. I can guarantee He will take you exactly as you are. Yeah, He really does have that kind of love for each one of us. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Memory Row – Road Trips, Family, Relationships and God

Two years ago this week, my family and I made an epic road trip. While I remember the road trip, I had forgotten that I had penned this reflection exactly two years ago today. As I re-read it, it stirred up something in me, so I thought I would share it with you. I just took a turn down Memory Row. (which is a great song by The Insiders)

I love a road trip, and basically any road trip will do. A two hour road trip to Columbus to check out motorcycles, a 3.5 hour road trip to Hillbilly Hotdogs for a home wrecker, a 6 hour drive to Philly to catch up with college friends, or even the multiple hour road trips for work or vacation. Road trips are awesome, the drive, the adventure, the new experiences, and seeing the country. I am always amazed by the level of enthusiasm at the beginning of a road trip. It’s unbridled. I mean, everyone is excited about the expedition that lies ahead and what the journey will have in store.

That is how we began our drive to Florida on Thursday afternoon, with unbridled enthusiasm. We packed up our gear, loaded the car, had an ample supply of snacks and beverages, appropriate music, and a full tank of gas. We were elated and ambitious and a bit naïve, determined to make the 18+ hour drive from Bloomingdale, Ohio to Siesta Key, Florida in 22 hours and have the experience of a lifetime.

We started the trip out on a high note, leaving around 4pm. We decided to stop for dinner about an hour into our drive at 360 Burger in Cambridge because it is one of our favorite burger places. This trip was going to be spectacular! We were going pull an all-nighter and drive till dawn to watch the sun come up as we arrive in Florida. We had 3 drivers and we planned to break the drive into six-hour shifts.

Curtis took the first shift. We drove through Ohio and into West Virginia listening to old-school, 80’s and 90’s country and little bit of Florida Georgia Line. We switched drivers around 9:30pm when Todd took over. When we crossed into Virginia, our enthusiasm had started to die a slow death as we realized we had well over 12 hours of driving still ahead of us. We were starting to get sore and beginning to feel “road trip” fatigue set in. And it was starting to get late. We made it through Virginia and into North Carolina. Todd was trooper and took the shift until almost 4am. And then I took over after trying to grab some sleep while Todd raced through South Carolina and Georgia.

I took over after we stopped for gas in Georgia, and the boys went to sleep. I listened to new country and sang most of the time (how the boys actually slept, I’ll never know). Crossing the actual Florida/Georgia line was a victory, as we only had about 4 hours to go. I drove, they slept. Life was good. About 2 hours from our final destination, we stopped for breakfast – I wanted to push through to Sarasota, but alas.

We pulled in at our rental property before 10 am. We made the entire trip in less than 18 hours, which included two stops for sit-down meals, and multiple stops for gas and bathroom breaks. And while it was a successful trip and quite an adventure, it was unanimous that morning that we never really want to do this type of trip again. Even my 18 year old son, who chooses not to sleep, was desperate for sleep. And we all had aches and pains that we didn’t know could be conjured up through a car ride.

The screened in porch at our summer rental

While we were all excited about where we were going, a week at the beach and a visit with my step-son and his girlfriend who moved to the Bradenton Area in January, it really wasn’t about the destination. It is true what they say, it’s the journey.

While the journey was long, exhausting and at times monotonous, it was the journey that really mattered in the end. We sang and we laughed. We played car games (Curtis introduced us to “yellow car”) and made up new rules (the Penske Penalty). We talked about what were most excited about and future plans, we made stupid inside jokes and teased each other a lot. We even had some tense moments of tiredness, fatigue and stress. But even with the small number of challenges, I would make the grueling drive all over again because that drive, as strenuous as it seemed, brought us closer as a family.

Our relationship with God is a lot like that. I, for one, thought that once I decided I would have a relationship with God that was kind of the end of it. That was the destination. He would just come into my life and things would instantly be better. But our relationship with God is a journey, a daily journey, and not some final end point. There are conversations (a lot of them) and laughter (mostly me laughing at myself), I sing sometimes (I listen to praise and worship music often – shocking, I know) and there are a lot of moments of fatigue and stress (particularly when I don’t understand). But when I stay with it and persist, I always end up someplace pretty amazing.

So if you haven’t begun your journey with God, I invite you to embark on that road trip. And if you have, know that sometimes, a lot of times, the road will get bumpy, sometimes you’ll have to take that path in what seems like utter darkness, and sometimes you’re going to get really uncomfortable and things might even seem painful. But don’t get sidetracked, take a detour or think that the journey isn’t worth it. I know He will lead you some place amazing. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Jet Trails, Saturday Afternoon Walks, and Beauty

I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.

If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.

jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19

It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.

I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.

With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.

I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.

But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.

As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.

It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.

It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?

It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Peace

As I typed this, I was on a plane to Savannah; well actually Atlanta. I had a layover there. But honestly, who doesn’t have a layover in Atlanta. It is the busiest airport in the US. I gazed out the window, high above the clouds that looked almost like the ocean. I love the ocean. It brings me such peace.

“It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”
The Alchemist, Paul Coelho

Although peace is what I have right now, – I am at peace with the turbulence of my flight, I am at peace with the work that I am heading to Savannah to do, I am at peace with tying up loose ends for my work with the Steubenville Catholic School’s, I am at peace with making preparations for my family, – the thought of my approaching surgery lingers in the back of mind like a shadow. It is overshadowing my peace, but it has not disturbed it just yet. Obviously, I missed mass Wednesday morning because of my early flight, but that didn’t disturb my peace either. God knew I would still begin my day spending time with Him. And I did, just not the way in which I normally would.

Since this diagnosis. I have taken prayer requests. I figured the least I can do is offer this “inconvenience” for the benefit of others. So as the plane was de-iced yesterday morning I prayed a rosary for a dear friend and her intentions.

Fast-forward 24 hours and I’m catching my Lyft to the airport. My driver was Edward, a delightful Army veteran. He and his wife have been married for 47 years, have 4 children (one child died a day after birth) and have lived all over the world. He served in Desert Storm and he told me, “I am one of those people who believe in God.” I liked him right away. We had some wonderful conversations about family, faith and life. When he dropped me off, I shook his hand, thanked him for his service and said May God bless you.

I don’t normally close conversations with strangers in that manner, but I did without even thinking. Maybe because I know God has blessed me. Maybe because I know that people are praying me for near and far. People whom I know well and people whom I don’t even know at all. I appreciate those prayers, those well wishes and good thoughts, those positive vibes and good juju, more than you know. And I can feel them because I am at peace as I approach Mondays surgery date.

The Carmelites sister in Savannah, GA are praying for me. In fact, they are offering their Monday mass for me. My TOR sisters are praying for me and prayed with me earlier this week. I will have an anointing of the sick just days before surgery. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my husbands co-workers, my Crusader family, my Facebook community, my acquaintances, my neighbors and even strangers are praying for me. I know I have nothing to worry about.

As I was flying back into Atlanta on my return home today, I was reading The Alchemist. A line from that book struck me; “It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.” I would have called you crazy if you told me that a few years ago. But I truly believe that now. Spending time with the Franciscan sisters confirmed that for me. But now, I am experiencing that for myself.

Thank you for your prayers. I ask that you please pray for me in a special way on Monday as I will undergo another biopsy and surgery. As always, I will continue to pray for you

Plot Twist

I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!

It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.

It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.

It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.

I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).

I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.

And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.

And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.

Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.

Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.