Tag: #columbus

Tattoos, Scars, and Acceptance

I watched the sunrise in the rearview mirror as I drove to Columbus this morning.  I was headed out for one of several doctors’ appointments that I have over the next few days. 

Today’s first appointment was to take measurements with the PT department. This is to make sure there is no swelling in my extremities and that I am not developing lymphoedema. The second appointment was with the plastic surgeon’s office, just to make sure everything “looks” right. My surgeon has actually left OSU, so I saw the nurse practitioner, with whom I am very familiar. Her name is Hannah, and after talking with her a bit before the exam, she asked if I did anything fun this summer. I answered, “I got a new tattoo.” I laughed when she asked if she could see it, because this tattoo covers up the scar from my mastectomy. Of course, she could see it. In fact, she kind of had to see it as part of the exam.

I know I tend to talk about tattoos a lot. But that’s understood; I mean it is included in the title of my blog.   It’s the first word.  Tattoos kind of tell my story, the story that I don’t share with everyone.  But I always find it funny when people meet me for the first time, then find out later that I have tattoos.  There is always this surprise.  And then there is this look, like the thought running through their mind is “I didn’t know I was better than you”. 

I always wonder why people are surprised when they learn that I have tattoos.  Yes, that is plural. I have more than one.  Actually, I have numerous tattoos. First, I think it is because I have a professional job, that I’m responsible and dependable.  Then I think maybe it’s my age.  I am almost fifty and I am the parent of two adult sons.  Or maybe because I’m pretty strait laced, buttoned up and direct. Whatever the reason, I am usually met with surprise when people find out “I’m tatted up”.

Just this past weekend, while enjoying a Friday evening with some co-workers, the topic of tattoos came up as a few of us in the group have multiple tattoos.  We were discussing tattoos in general, what people thought of tattoos, why people get tattoos and our individual tattoos.  That was when I asked one of the men in our group (whom I just recently met) if he would have suspected that I had tattoos.  And he answered yes because “you’re edgy”.

I needed a beer and cigar after the tattoo discussion.

I wasn’t really sure how to take that.  My husband thought it was a compliment.  But me, I wasn’t sure.  The conversation kind of left me unsettled only because I had never been called “edgy” before and it bothered me a bit.  Normally, I’m not one to care what anyone thinks.  While I’m not sure if I really cared, the word edgy seemed harsh, sharp, maybe even dangerous.  I kind of liked the dangerous part. 

Part of my new tattoo

I decided to look up the definition of edgy later that night and this is what I discovered. The primary definition of edgy is nervous, tense, or irritable.  However, the second definition is at the forefront of a trend, experimental, or avant-garde.  Okay, I can see his perspective.  Maybe I am a little edgy. 

Edgy or not, I think I am pretty self-aware.  I know myself, my limits, and my capabilities. And I know who I am, now more so than ever.  One thing that I know I am is Catholic.  And I find myself telling more and more people that I am whether they ask or not.  I’m not really sure why I do this, but I do.  Maybe because I know who I am and I want other people to know too.  I’m comfortable in my own tattooed skin.

Yes, I pray. And yes, I pray for you. Yes, I attend mass, and go to confession, although not as often as I should. Yes, I screw up and make mistakes. And yes, I sin, a lot, although probably a lot less than I did in college. I am, most times, a beautiful mess, but I’m God’s beautiful mess (and my husband still claims me and loves me too through all of my messiness and brokenness).

It took me along time to embrace the Catholic faith, even though I have been Catholic my entire life.  I didn’t always claim it.  In fact, at one point, I would have considered myself an agnostic.  But then Jesus found me and he wouldn’t let go.  Yeah, he has that kind of love for each one of us. 

At first, I was convinced this wasn’t possible, me – sinful, scarred, broken – to be loved by God. But He is persistent, even when we are not.

There is a line from a Sugarland song, Take Me As I Am, that says “They keep yelling about my tattoos, we all live with the scars we choose.  They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger”.  It is one of my favorite songs and that is one of my favorite lines. 

We all have scars.  Sometimes we get tattoos to cover them up.  But we also live with those scars and they will make us stronger if we let them. But the real clincher is in the title – Take Me As I Am.  You know who does that always – Jesus.  No matter what, he accepts you just as you are, scarred, broken, bruised, confused, angry, frustrated, upset, sad, lonely, irritated, tattooed and edgy. 

So today, be yourself, be who you are and give it all to God.  I can guarantee He will take you exactly as you are.     Yeah, He really does have that kind of love for each one of us.  And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.   

It's Not What You're Losing, It Is What You Gain In The Process

Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?”  I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick.   I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic.   I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great!  In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.  

But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.

When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.

But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.

I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.

I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool.  At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful. 

The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun

I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.

I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out.  We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me. 

I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf. 

It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one.  I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery. 

We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained.  Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.