#broken – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Beauty in the Brokenness

I love the way the autumn sunlight pours through the windows in the morning, the unadulterated rectangles of light drawing out across the floor. My dogs and cat love it, too. I will frequently find them sprawled out in the warmth of the rays, bellies exposed, eyes closed, drifting into a morning or afternoon nap. It is quite perfect. That ray of sunlight is quite perfect, unbroken, and whole, spreading its radiance and warmth in one place. The unblemished windowpane is pristine; the light is unfiltered and whole.

Have you ever seen a broken windowpane where the glass is cracked in a spiderweb of fissures? One where the window looks like a puzzle of shards, and we are unsure of how it is still held together. We hurry to replace the broken glass because it obstructs our view and interferes with the light. It’s not so pretty, or is it?

Photo by Thilina Alagiyawanna on Pexels.com

That broken glass lets the sunlight in but in a different manner. It refracts the light in another way that makes it bounce all over the place, allowing brightness to pierce areas of darkness that the daylight would have never reached if not for the cracks in the glass. The glass’s imperfections and brokenness are used to share illumination, dancing prisms moving in a dazzling performance to other areas that otherwise would not have enjoyed light from the perfect window. The fractures in the glass spread light in a beautiful and supernatural way, permeating dark areas with its radiant light and warm glow.

It’s funny, we often don’t see the beauty of broken things, of things that are to be discarded, thrown away, and trashed. The irony is that each and every one of us is broken in some way, and we are always looking for ways to repair, replace, or hide our brokenness. But those broken areas are where some of the most incredible beauty lies. But in trying to fix it or keep it concealed from the rest of the world, we don’t share that beauty with others. Our own brokenness just might be a light for someone else, but we become so embarrassed, so concerned about appearances and what others might think, we hide it. We lose our light.

While we all want to heal our own brokenness (and we should), our brokenness may actually help heal someone else. Our imperfections may help somebody else realize they’re not as broken as they thought, that there are others out there like them, and that it is okay. Use your imperfections and brokenness to help others shine, and you might just find out that you’re helping yourself heal. Sharing often leads to support, which often leads directly to healing. God doesn’t waste anything.

In A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway wrote, “The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” I, for one, believe this to be true. But I also believe that power and healing comes from sharing your brokenness for the benefit of others; therein lies your strength.

So today, find the beauty in the brokenness, embrace your imperfections, and share your struggles with someone else. You have no idea how that might benefit both of you. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Beauty and Sadness

I really try not to be preachy or outwardly judgmental. Inwardly, I tend to make judgments to myself but I desperately try to refrain from doing even that. It just leads to bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, I do it more often than I would care to admit. But I don’t preach (except maybe to my son). I tend to stay away from telling people what they should do, how they should behave, or how they should react. I may share my opinion, but I always close those conversations with something like, “you have to make the decision that is right for you.” People are free to make their own decisions, choices, and judgments. That is the beauty of free will.

However, this past week has been so incredibly and unbelievably sad. I am Catholic, and there is a magnificence and richness to the Catholic Faith. From the order of the mass, to chants and incents, to the praying of the rosary and Eucharistic adoration, there is an indescribable beauty of the faith that I cannot put into words.

By faith (not only by faith) I am Pro-life. The March for Life was recently held, and I am disappointed that it did not get greater press coverage. This is the first year where I really did not hear much about the march from any media outlets. The importance of this event is overlooked these days because it does not fit into the mainstream agenda and does not support the culture of death in which we live.

I am also quite disappointed in the leadership of the Catholic Church both locally and nationally. The Catholic Church has been under fire for quite some time and it is continuing its downward spiral because of its leadership, or lack thereof. From the defrocking of Fr. Frank Pavone to the acceptance of James Martin, whom I will never give the honor of the title of Father, as he clearly does not understand the catechesis of the Catholic Church. Our lack of strong orthodox Catholic leadership has made me so incredibly sad to live in a world that is so broken, so dark, so faithless, so lacking in love and compassion, so far from God. This is a world in which these leaders should be a beacon of light and hope, but some have become a source of darkness.

I expect more from the leaders of our Catholic Church, from the men and women who have made vows to commit their lives to the service of the body of Christ. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. While I realize these people are human; they are also men and women who have committed their lives to Christ, forsaking all others. Therefore, I believe (like many others) that they should be promoting and defending the faith, not promoting their own version of it and feeding propaganda. But the people who claim to represent the Catholic Church are not the Catholic Church. While we expect these individuals to uphold Catholic teaching, some of them are nothing more than false prophets and wolves in sheep’s clothing, leading the easily led farther away from Christ’s teaching, twisting the words of the bible to suit their agenda, and perverting its teachings.

Some of my closest friends are priests and religious sisters. Their faithfulness has deepened my relationship with God and strengthened my Catholic faith.

While the times may have changed, God has not. The Bible has not; Jesus’s teaching has not. Read John chapter 8. Jesus forgives the woman who commits adultery. But he doesn’t forgive her and tell her it’s okay to go and commit the same sin again. He tells her to “Go your way, and from now on do not sin again”. That teaching has not changed. The Catechism of the Catholic Church has not changed.

Catholicism is an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t get to pick and choose what parts of it you want to believe and what teachings you will follow. If you’re Catholic, you need to be all in and align your life with the teachings of the Catholic Church – the church, not the people who claim to represent the Church. That is what I must constantly remind myself and others. It is not the Church that is the problem, it is those who claim to represent the Church. The Catechesis of the Catholic Church is pretty clear in detailing Catholic beliefs if you actually take time to read it.

This morning during my morning prayer, I read the passage “see that no one among you has a faithless heart.” – Hebrews 3:12. It really struck me because that line sums up exactly where we are in the Catholic Church, in America, in the world for that matter, right now. We (as a whole) are a faithless society. We have a faithless heart when we don’t treat each other with equality and justice. We have a faithless heart when we twist things to suit our own agenda. We have a faithless heart when we sign legalized murder into legislation. We have a faithless heart when fail to protect the innocent. We have a faithless heart when we cheer for and applaud a culture of death. We have a faithless heart when we interpret the gospel to suit our own needs.

Today I am sad, sad to the point that my heart hurts. Sad to the point that I am re-evaluating friendships because I can no longer deal with the negativity and hate that fills the hearts of so many people. Today I am sad because we have failed to protect the vulnerable, the defenseless, and the innocent; we have failed to protect life. We have failed as a society and as a human race. I am sad because we place more value on the agendas of the elite than on the dignity of the person, on feelings rather than facts. We accept lies and manipulation but won’t accept the Truth given to us by God.

Although I am sad, I am hopeful because God is in control (even when it seems like He might not be). And I will continue to pray and be faithful to God because God makes all things new. (Revelations 21:5). So today, hold on to hope and remember that God is in control, even when, or especially when, we really don’t see it. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Are You a Good Catholic?

The other day somebody asked me if I thought I was a good Catholic. I kind of laughed and replied, there are some days that I wonder if I am even a good person. I mean, let’s be honest, I am usually a mess of a human being.

I vacillate between selfishness and gratefulness. I am sure everybody does this, but I think I may do it more than most. There are days when I can be thoughtful, can put the needs of others before my own, go out of my way to be kind to others; I want them to feel cared for. Then there are days when I just can’t be bothered. I am completely self-centered, egocentric, and careless about the feelings of others. These are the days when I really don’t give a shit.

I really do want to be that kind, compassionate, caring, empathetic person; that person who embodies the love of Christ. But it is so very challenging. It is so difficult to be that person day in and day out. Maybe that makes me shallow, or fickle, or disingenuous, or unauthentic. I read a passage from Romans last week one day during prayer; “Let love be sincere, hate what is evil, hold on to what is good, love one another with mutual affection, anticipate one another showing mutual honor.” (Romans 12, 9-10).

St. Paul makes it sound so easy. Trying to live that out every day is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting, but at the same time, it is spiritually renewing. So I have been pondering what exactly this means for me. In fact, it has me contemplating what it means for every person. I am sure that everyone struggles with this in some form, even those who embody Christ in all they do.

We, as broken human beings, take so much in our lives for granted that we forget to thank God for the little things. Like the ability to work out, a run in the crisp air right before dawn, a walk on a nature trail, watching the sunrise, spending time with our spouse, our families, and our friends. But we also take our faith for granted. These are the things that we think will always be readily available to us. We need to thank God for those things because they may not always be available. We may not always be able to work out, run or walk. (I have recently learned that as I recover from foot surgery.) Someday, we may lose our eyesight or our hearing. (I lost my sense of taste and smell during a bout with COVID, trust me when I say that was unsettling.) Our spouse, our families, and our friends may not always be around. And our faith is just something that I think we tend to forget about or overlook. I often treat my faith as an afterthought.

I like to work out. It is one of the ways in which I can be selfish.

We fail to attend mass because we’re tired or don’t care for the priest, or don’t want to be bothered. Or maybe we don’t go because we are mad at the Catholic Church (this is when we need to pray the most). We don’t pray because we don’t have time or don’t think God really hears us. When we do this, when we make excuses; we take our faith for granted. We don’t feed it; we don’t give it an opportunity to grow. And that is really when we need prayer the most.

I, for one, do take all of those things for granted. I expect to come home every day and work out. I expect to be able to run on the treadmill whenever I feel so inspired or take the dogs for a walk at a whim. I expect to see the sunrise each morning. I expect that my husband will be there to go on adventures with me. I expect that my family will always be around and that my friends will be available when I most need them. And I expect God to be there always, even when I haven’t talked to him in a very long time. And even though I take my faith for granted, the really beautiful thing is that God will always be there. Especially when we think He isn’t.

Do these things make me a bad Catholic? No, they make me human. And humans are broken, sinful, and in need of God’s grace every single day. But guess what, God is always there just waiting for us to ask Him for help, to invite Him into our lives, even when we take Him for granted. Even when we forget about Him, even when our faith becomes an afterthought.

So today be grateful for everything in your life and don’t take anything for granted. Thank God for all of the gifts and blessings in your lives, for all of those things that you undervalue and overlook. And know that you are going to mess, up, you are going to make mistakes, some days you might not even feel like you’re a good person, but rest assured, God will always be there for you. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Tattoos, Scars, and Acceptance

I watched the sunrise in the rearview mirror as I drove to Columbus this morning. I was headed out for one of several doctors’ appointments that I have over the next few days.

Today’s first appointment was to take measurements with the PT department. This is to make sure there is no swelling in my extremities and that I am not developing lymphoedema. The second appointment was with the plastic surgeon’s office, just to make sure everything “looks” right. My surgeon has actually left OSU, so I saw the nurse practitioner, with whom I am very familiar. Her name is Hannah, and after talking with her a bit before the exam, she asked if I did anything fun this summer. I answered, “I got a new tattoo.” I laughed when she asked if she could see it, because this tattoo covers up the scar from my mastectomy. Of course, she could see it. In fact, she kind of had to see it as part of the exam.

I know I tend to talk about tattoos a lot. But that’s understood; I mean it is included in the title of my blog. It’s the first word. Tattoos kind of tell my story, the story that I don’t share with everyone. But I always find it funny when people meet me for the first time, then find out later that I have tattoos. There is always this surprise. And then there is this look, like the thought running through their mind is “I didn’t know I was better than you”.

I always wonder why people are surprised when they learn that I have tattoos. Yes, that is plural. I have more than one. Actually, I have numerous tattoos. First, I think it is because I have a professional job, that I’m responsible and dependable. Then I think maybe it’s my age. I am almost fifty and I am the parent of two adult sons. Or maybe because I’m pretty strait laced, buttoned up and direct. Whatever the reason, I am usually met with surprise when people find out “I’m tatted up”.

Just this past weekend, while enjoying a Friday evening with some co-workers, the topic of tattoos came up as a few of us in the group have multiple tattoos. We were discussing tattoos in general, what people thought of tattoos, why people get tattoos and our individual tattoos. That was when I asked one of the men in our group (whom I just recently met) if he would have suspected that I had tattoos. And he answered yes because “you’re edgy”.

I needed a beer and cigar after the tattoo discussion.

I wasn’t really sure how to take that. My husband thought it was a compliment. But me, I wasn’t sure. The conversation kind of left me unsettled only because I had never been called “edgy” before and it bothered me a bit. Normally, I’m not one to care what anyone thinks. While I’m not sure if I really cared, the word edgy seemed harsh, sharp, maybe even dangerous. I kind of liked the dangerous part.

I decided to look up the definition of edgy later that night and this is what I discovered. The primary definition of edgy is nervous, tense, or irritable. However, the second definition is at the forefront of a trend, experimental, or avant-garde. Okay, I can see his perspective. Maybe I am a little edgy.

Edgy or not, I think I am pretty self-aware. I know myself, my limits, and my capabilities. And I know who I am, now more so than ever. One thing that I know I am is Catholic. And I find myself telling more and more people that I am whether they ask or not. I’m not really sure why I do this, but I do. Maybe because I know who I am and I want other people to know too. I’m comfortable in my own tattooed skin.

Yes, I pray. And yes, I pray for you. Yes, I attend mass, and go to confession, although not as often as I should. Yes, I screw up and make mistakes. And yes, I sin, a lot, although probably a lot less than I did in college. I am, most times, a beautiful mess, but I’m God’s beautiful mess (and my husband still claims me and loves me too through all of my messiness and brokenness).

It took me along time to embrace the Catholic faith, even though I have been Catholic my entire life. I didn’t always claim it. In fact, at one point, I would have considered myself an agnostic. But then Jesus found me and he wouldn’t let go. Yeah, he has that kind of love for each one of us.

At first, I was convinced this wasn’t possible, me – sinful, scarred, broken – to be loved by God. But He is persistent, even when we are not.

There is a line from a Sugarland song, Take Me As I Am, that says “They keep yelling about my tattoos, we all live with the scars we choose. They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger”. It is one of my favorite songs and that is one of my favorite lines.

We all have scars. Sometimes we get tattoos to cover them up. But we also live with those scars and they will make us stronger if we let them. But the real clincher is in the title – Take Me As I Am. You know who does that always – Jesus. No matter what, he accepts you just as you are, scarred, broken, bruised, confused, angry, frustrated, upset, sad, lonely, irritated, tattooed and edgy.

So today, be yourself, be who you are and give it all to God. I can guarantee He will take you exactly as you are. Yeah, He really does have that kind of love for each one of us. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.