#priests – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Beauty and Sadness

I really try not to be preachy or outwardly judgmental. Inwardly, I tend to make judgments to myself but I desperately try to refrain from doing even that. It just leads to bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, I do it more often than I would care to admit. But I don’t preach (except maybe to my son). I tend to stay away from telling people what they should do, how they should behave, or how they should react. I may share my opinion, but I always close those conversations with something like, “you have to make the decision that is right for you.” People are free to make their own decisions, choices, and judgments. That is the beauty of free will.

However, this past week has been so incredibly and unbelievably sad. I am Catholic, and there is a magnificence and richness to the Catholic Faith. From the order of the mass, to chants and incents, to the praying of the rosary and Eucharistic adoration, there is an indescribable beauty of the faith that I cannot put into words.

By faith (not only by faith) I am Pro-life. The March for Life was recently held, and I am disappointed that it did not get greater press coverage. This is the first year where I really did not hear much about the march from any media outlets. The importance of this event is overlooked these days because it does not fit into the mainstream agenda and does not support the culture of death in which we live.

I am also quite disappointed in the leadership of the Catholic Church both locally and nationally. The Catholic Church has been under fire for quite some time and it is continuing its downward spiral because of its leadership, or lack thereof. From the defrocking of Fr. Frank Pavone to the acceptance of James Martin, whom I will never give the honor of the title of Father, as he clearly does not understand the catechesis of the Catholic Church. Our lack of strong orthodox Catholic leadership has made me so incredibly sad to live in a world that is so broken, so dark, so faithless, so lacking in love and compassion, so far from God. This is a world in which these leaders should be a beacon of light and hope, but some have become a source of darkness.

I expect more from the leaders of our Catholic Church, from the men and women who have made vows to commit their lives to the service of the body of Christ. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. While I realize these people are human; they are also men and women who have committed their lives to Christ, forsaking all others. Therefore, I believe (like many others) that they should be promoting and defending the faith, not promoting their own version of it and feeding propaganda. But the people who claim to represent the Catholic Church are not the Catholic Church. While we expect these individuals to uphold Catholic teaching, some of them are nothing more than false prophets and wolves in sheep’s clothing, leading the easily led farther away from Christ’s teaching, twisting the words of the bible to suit their agenda, and perverting its teachings.

Some of my closest friends are priests and religious sisters. Their faithfulness has deepened my relationship with God and strengthened my Catholic faith.

While the times may have changed, God has not. The Bible has not; Jesus’s teaching has not. Read John chapter 8. Jesus forgives the woman who commits adultery. But he doesn’t forgive her and tell her it’s okay to go and commit the same sin again. He tells her to “Go your way, and from now on do not sin again”. That teaching has not changed. The Catechism of the Catholic Church has not changed.

Catholicism is an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t get to pick and choose what parts of it you want to believe and what teachings you will follow. If you’re Catholic, you need to be all in and align your life with the teachings of the Catholic Church – the church, not the people who claim to represent the Church. That is what I must constantly remind myself and others. It is not the Church that is the problem, it is those who claim to represent the Church. The Catechesis of the Catholic Church is pretty clear in detailing Catholic beliefs if you actually take time to read it.

This morning during my morning prayer, I read the passage “see that no one among you has a faithless heart.” – Hebrews 3:12. It really struck me because that line sums up exactly where we are in the Catholic Church, in America, in the world for that matter, right now. We (as a whole) are a faithless society. We have a faithless heart when we don’t treat each other with equality and justice. We have a faithless heart when we twist things to suit our own agenda. We have a faithless heart when we sign legalized murder into legislation. We have a faithless heart when fail to protect the innocent. We have a faithless heart when we cheer for and applaud a culture of death. We have a faithless heart when we interpret the gospel to suit our own needs.

Today I am sad, sad to the point that my heart hurts. Sad to the point that I am re-evaluating friendships because I can no longer deal with the negativity and hate that fills the hearts of so many people. Today I am sad because we have failed to protect the vulnerable, the defenseless, and the innocent; we have failed to protect life. We have failed as a society and as a human race. I am sad because we place more value on the agendas of the elite than on the dignity of the person, on feelings rather than facts. We accept lies and manipulation but won’t accept the Truth given to us by God.

Although I am sad, I am hopeful because God is in control (even when it seems like He might not be). And I will continue to pray and be faithful to God because God makes all things new. (Revelations 21:5). So today, hold on to hope and remember that God is in control, even when, or especially when, we really don’t see it. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

The Obvious and The Extraordinary

Thoughts about confession, mass, Satan and God

Have you ever felt like the whole world was conspiring against you to keep you away from God? Maybe I am over dramatizing here, but that is exactly how I have felt these past couple of days. I have felt like God has been so far out of reach, and everything I try doesn’t bring Him any closer.

https://www.franciscansisterstor.org/about/spirituality-and-charisms/father-of-mercy-chapel

I awoke early this morning and was ready to leave the house well before my normal 6:30am departure. I jumped in the car and headed to the Father of Mercy Chapel for morning mass. This is where I normally attend Monday morning mass. However, when I arrived this morning, the doors were locked. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I had spent that morning drive pondering how I would pray morning prayer. I had left my prayer books at work over the weekend. They were lying on my desk. I had been making a mental plan of how to approach morning prayer for the past 20 minutes. Never did I image that the doors to chapel would be locked. I knocked. No answer. I stood dumbfounded wondering if God knew I was standing outside, wondering why I could not get in.

The prayer booklets I left on my desk at work.

With an air of desperation, I turned and walked down the stairs and back to my car. While doing so, I checked the emailed mass schedule that I had received for the month of October. Mass wasn’t being held today until 8:15am. I drove to work.

This was the second, third or fourth time in the past 24 hours in which I had felt alienated from God (not alienated by God).

I thought this picture capture alienation perfectly. Taken at the Stone Lodge in Beatty Park.

Yesterday evening, I had this incredible desire to go to confession. You should know, this is not something for which I ever have a yearning – ever. Confession is a challenge for me – extremely difficult, yet yesterday evening I had this “pull” or felt this need to go. And I really wanted to go immediately, but that wasn’t possible.

I contacted a few of my priest friends hoping to be able to go this morning, fully expecting this to be possible. Only it wasn’t. Nobody was hearing confessions on this dismal, gray and drizzling Monday morning. It was kind of like, three strikes and you’re out. I had contacted 3 priests. I was truly dumfounded. I mean, I actually wanted to go to confession, and I couldn’t. God felt so far out of reach last night and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I worried that my longing to receive the sacrament of confession would wane as time passed. I went to bed, contemplating this and what it really meant. Still, I planned to attend mass, but for the first time in a very long time, not receive the Eucharist. All because of this great need to confess my sins to a priest and receive absolution.

As I awoke this morning from one of the deepest sleeps in which I have been in a very long time, I felt a renewed sense of the need to attend morning mass. To discover only an hour later, the doors locked and no one answering my knock, deflated me. I left the hilltop, defeated. As I was descending the hill from the monastery, I began reflecting on how I had been intending to not receive communion this morning. Then I began wondering why getting to God was so difficult these past few days, I mean really difficult.

Satan is real and evil permeates our society. These things you can clearly see if you just look at our world today. All you have to do is turn on the news or read the paper. There is too much evil.

I began to think that this was the devil trying to undermine my relationship with Christ. I mean, I couldn’t find a priest to hear my confession this morning – not one, not two, but three were unavailable. I had left my prayer books at work, lying on my desk. And then the doors to the chapel were locked. LOCKED! I was locked out, away from God.

But as I pulled into my parking space at work, I had a different realization. I realized that perhaps, all of these things were a blessing, and all of these things were orchestrated by divine intervention. Sounds weird, right? But not being able to find a priest to hear my confession today has given me a greater opportunity to examine my conscience, to reflect on my sins and to better prepare for absolution. And yes, I still intend to go, it just might not be as soon as I would like. And the doors being locked and mass being at a different time, I think that was to help me avoid the temptation to receive the body of Christ while not in a state of grace. Yes, I would have been tempted to do that. I probably would have gone to communion had I gone to mass this morning, even if I was thinking that I wouldn’t. It is difficult to explain, and I am sure there are many who understand where I am coming from. But I truly believe it was God’s gentle hand protecting me from falling even further from grace.

Just moments before I arrived at the chapel, I had been listen to the song Fallen, by Sarah McLaughlin. It was almost prophetic for how I have been feeling lately. But I know there is redemption and there is grace and that God does work in mysterious ways. By all accounts, my Monday morning did not go as I had planned, it was a bit mysterious the way in which it unfolded. It seemed obvious that someone or something was trying to undermine my peace. But, in the end, I truly believe it was in my best interest. I just had to look beyond the obvious to see the extraordinary love of God.

So today, look beyond the obvious and find the extraordinary. Everything does, indeed, happen for a reason. And Today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Miracles, Gratitude and Life During the Pandemic

I have taken the shelter in place/stay at home order pretty seriously since it was instituted in mid-March. I have to; I am now considered to be in one of those high-risk groups since I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.

I will admit, I was not too excited when the schools closed, then the restaurants were ordered to serve take-out only, then the hair salons were shut down along with all other businesses that are considered non-essential. T.J Maxx is one of my favorite places to which to escape and engage in a little retail therapy. I thought it was a bit ridiculous, too precautious, a little bit over the top. In my opinion, it was overkill. But as things progressed and the coronavirus continued to spread rapidly, I began to understand, heed the warnings, and take the recommended precautions.

I have been working from home since Monday March 16^th. That was my last official day in the office. That was day I transferred my office at the high school to the dining room table in my home. It was also the same evening that we adopted a fourth dog – Bailey, a Staffordshire terrier puppy (we think) who was about 3 months old when we brought her home. My husband and I figured, since we both would be working from home for the next month, this would be the perfect time to add a new puppy to our pack.

That first week of the shelter in place order, I kind of took it seriously. I stayed home more, but still went to the store often, went into the office to pick up mail, etc. and even stopped to see my mom and show her my new puppy. Then there was a confirmed case in our county and things got real. I made it a point to stay home and avoid unnecessary contact with people. I began planning weekly meals so I could limit my grocery shopping to only once a week (or longer when possible). I began ordering more products on-line, including items for our pets and general necessities like laundry detergent and paper towels. The stay at home order took on a whole new meaning.

Staying healthy has become a bit of an obsession for me. I am preparing nutrient rich, vegetable heavy dinners, working out daily, and walking the dogs approximately 5 miles every day. While I hope I do not appear rude during those walks, I have been very conscious of social distancing and will not get close to my neighbors when we do have conversations. And I try to limit any face to face social discourse. I nearly had a panic attack when a neighbor walked into our yard to comment on the fence project my husband and son took on during the pandemic. He was just a little too close for me.

Greek chicken and roasted spring vegetables

I have rescheduled all doctor’s appointments and avoid the grocery store when I anticipate that it will be busy. I have taken advantage of the special shopping hours available for the elderly and those who are a higher risk. I never thought that would be the case, but it is. And if at any time I begin to feel even remotely ill, I tackle it head on. That usually means, hot tea, a good stiff shot, extra vitamin C, and more rest.

Overall, as a family, I think we have adjusted well to life during the pandemic. As I mentioned before, I am appreciating this slower pace, more time with family, the opportunities to connect with friends, the meaningful conversations, the chance to declutter a bit in all aspects of our lives.

But today, today was the first day that I ventured out of the house and into the school in nearly four weeks. While I have been successfully working from home, there were a few things that I just could not accomplish remotely. I went in after virtual morning mass and arrived just before 9am. When I arrived, I found our Assistant Principal at work in her office. It was a bit surreal to be in the building on a weekday, during the school year, without any teachers or staff present. Actually, it was downright weird. We exchanged some pleasantries, from an acceptable social distance, then I set off to handle the tasks that I come in to complete.

It took about 2 hours to get my work done. About 1 hour into it, I took a break and walked down to the chapel. The door was open, the chancel candle was lit, the Missal was opened on the altar, and the lectionary was on the pulpit. Everything was in order as if we would be celebrating mass together that very day. But we were not. I went in and sat down. I had begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet with our chaplain and campus minister on Instagram, but when I got to the chapel, I lost the connection. So, I just sat in the chapel quietly with God for a while, said a silent prayer, then returned to my office to complete the tasks at hand.

Before I finished at the school, I spoke with our accounting clerk who came in to handle some financial matters. Our offices are adjacent, and she is kind enough to drop off materials weekly at my house that I need to do my job. Once I finished at the school, I left for the post office then I would return to my office at the dining room table to make some phone calls and send some emails.

When I left the post office, I had this incredible urge to stop at Holy Family Church, my home parish. I had not been in the church since the weekend before the stay at home order was executed. It felt good to be back. I was completely alone in the church, well just me and God. (While there are no public services, the Catholic Churches are still open to provide places of prayer and reflection for the faithful.)

Now, I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive for stopping. Our parish often has “The Word Among Us” publications available for the parishioners. I has hoping to pick up a copy as I like to follow along with the readings and Gospel during daily mass. I also enjoy the daily reflections and stories. The last publication ran through Easter Sunday. I walked in and checked the table where Monsignor normally places the booklets, but there were none there. I was not sure if there would be any booklets because of the strangeness of these times. I proceeded into the church, sat down, and read the daily reflections in the Laudate app on my phone and prayed for a while.

I got up to leave, grateful for that time in church. I did not realize just how much I missed it until I walked through the doors. As I was walking out, there on the very table that I had checked when I came in was one copy of the new “The Word Among Us”! Yes, it was a miracle. Yes, it was something that I needed, and God knew it. Yes, it was amazing. Yes, it took my breath away. As I picked it up, I thanked God for my little journey out into the real world today. I thanked Him for the work that I had to do, the tasks that I needed to complete at the school. I thanked Him for the few interactions that I had with coworkers and that time of quiet in the chapel. I thanked Him for my parish, my priests (all of them), and for that booklet that just appeared. I thanked Him for all of the blessings in my life, especially the ones that I never really noticed until I was forced to slow down, stay indoors, and shelter in place.

So today, be grateful for all the blessings, all of the little miracles, and remember to thank God. He really is there. And while you can never surprise Him, He just might surprise you when you least expect it. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.