#sadness – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

I really try not to be preachy or outwardly judgmental. Inwardly, I tend to make judgments to myself but I desperately try to refrain from doing even that. It just leads to bitterness and resentment. Unfortunately, I do it more often than I would care to admit. But I don’t preach (except maybe to my son). I tend to stay away from telling people what they should do, how they should behave, or how they should react. I may share my opinion, but I always close those conversations with something like, “you have to make the decision that is right for you.” People are free to make their own decisions, choices, and judgments. That is the beauty of free will.

However, this past week has been so incredibly and unbelievably sad. I am Catholic, and there is a magnificence and richness to the Catholic Faith. From the order of the mass, to chants and incents, to the praying of the rosary and Eucharistic adoration, there is an indescribable beauty of the faith that I cannot put into words.

By faith (not only by faith) I am Pro-life. The March for Life was recently held, and I am disappointed that it did not get greater press coverage. This is the first year where I really did not hear much about the march from any media outlets. The importance of this event is overlooked these days because it does not fit into the mainstream agenda and does not support the culture of death in which we live.

I am also quite disappointed in the leadership of the Catholic Church both locally and nationally. The Catholic Church has been under fire for quite some time and it is continuing its downward spiral because of its leadership, or lack thereof. From the defrocking of Fr. Frank Pavone to the acceptance of James Martin, whom I will never give the honor of the title of Father, as he clearly does not understand the catechesis of the Catholic Church. Our lack of strong orthodox Catholic leadership has made me so incredibly sad to live in a world that is so broken, so dark, so faithless, so lacking in love and compassion, so far from God. This is a world in which these leaders should be a beacon of light and hope, but some have become a source of darkness.

I expect more from the leaders of our Catholic Church, from the men and women who have made vows to commit their lives to the service of the body of Christ. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. While I realize these people are human; they are also men and women who have committed their lives to Christ, forsaking all others. Therefore, I believe (like many others) that they should be promoting and defending the faith, not promoting their own version of it and feeding propaganda. But the people who claim to represent the Catholic Church are not the Catholic Church. While we expect these individuals to uphold Catholic teaching, some of them are nothing more than false prophets and wolves in sheep’s clothing, leading the easily led farther away from Christ’s teaching, twisting the words of the bible to suit their agenda, and perverting its teachings.

Some of my closest friends are priests and religious sisters. Their faithfulness has deepened my relationship with God and strengthened my Catholic faith.

While the times may have changed, God has not. The Bible has not; Jesus’s teaching has not. Read John chapter 8. Jesus forgives the woman who commits adultery. But he doesn’t forgive her and tell her it’s okay to go and commit the same sin again. He tells her to “Go your way, and from now on do not sin again”. That teaching has not changed. The Catechism of the Catholic Church has not changed.

Catholicism is an all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t get to pick and choose what parts of it you want to believe and what teachings you will follow. If you’re Catholic, you need to be all in and align your life with the teachings of the Catholic Church – the church, not the people who claim to represent the Church. That is what I must constantly remind myself and others. It is not the Church that is the problem, it is those who claim to represent the Church. The Catechesis of the Catholic Church is pretty clear in detailing Catholic beliefs if you actually take time to read it.

This morning during my morning prayer, I read the passage “see that no one among you has a faithless heart.” – Hebrews 3:12. It really struck me because that line sums up exactly where we are in the Catholic Church, in America, in the world for that matter, right now. We (as a whole) are a faithless society. We have a faithless heart when we don’t treat each other with equality and justice. We have a faithless heart when we twist things to suit our own agenda. We have a faithless heart when we sign legalized murder into legislation. We have a faithless heart when fail to protect the innocent. We have a faithless heart when we cheer for and applaud a culture of death. We have a faithless heart when we interpret the gospel to suit our own needs.

Today I am sad, sad to the point that my heart hurts. Sad to the point that I am re-evaluating friendships because I can no longer deal with the negativity and hate that fills the hearts of so many people. Today I am sad because we have failed to protect the vulnerable, the defenseless, and the innocent; we have failed to protect life. We have failed as a society and as a human race. I am sad because we place more value on the agendas of the elite than on the dignity of the person, on feelings rather than facts. We accept lies and manipulation but won’t accept the Truth given to us by God.

Although I am sad, I am hopeful because God is in control (even when it seems like He might not be). And I will continue to pray and be faithful to God because God makes all things new. (Revelations 21:5). So today, hold on to hope and remember that God is in control, even when, or especially when, we really don’t see it. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

This memory came up on my Facebook feed yesterday. It is from December 19, 2018. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember that day very vividly. I actually read the feed while I sat waiting for Sunday Morning mass to begin. Coincidentally, I had been pondering going to confession before Christmas. Even though it is dated and I now longer work for the Franciscan Sisters, I thought it was worth sharing.

December 19, 2018
I really do not like going to confession. I know there are some people that enjoy it, they feel liberated and restored and, therefore, receive the sacrament of reconciliation often. I don’t experience that same “joy”. The thought of confessing my sins, whether it is to a priest I know well or to a total stranger, makes me feel physically ill. I become anxious and agitated and eventually talk myself out of going to confession at all. That would explain why in the past 25 years, I may have gone to confession half a dozen times.

Confession by Florida Georgia Line

But now I work for religious sisters, sisters who receive the sacrament of reconciliation weekly. I mean I already kind of feel like a heathen when I am with them, but now I feel even more like an unrepentant sinner because I don’t like the process of atonement. In the 3 years that I have worked for them, I have gone to confession 3 times. That 3 times is included in the 6 times that I have gone in the past quarter century. One of those times was today.

There is a priest who comes every other week to hear confessions at the Mother House for the sisters. I asked if I could sign up for one of the confession slots. One of the sisters was kind enough to put me on the schedule for this afternoon. Then this morning before mass began, I had a change of heart. I just wasn’t feeling the whole “let’s go confess our sins” thing. I had decided that I would take my name off of the schedule. I’m not going to confession, no big deal, right? Wrong.

There were several tiny little signs that were telling me I needed to go to confession today. The first one was before I even got to work. I was coming down the drive to work when I was overcome by a profound feeling of sadness. It hit me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning. I started thinking about my Dad, how Christmas was less than a week away and that this would be the first Christmas without him. All of these thoughts are running through my head as I pull into the parking space and I notice a deer in the grass at the edge of the lot. The Reverend Mother had told me that the deer symbolizes God’s grace. Immediately, the feeling of sadness left me. Amazing!

Fr. Gregory said mass this morning, and he opened up mass talking about REO Speedwagon’s song “Keep on Lovin’ You.” He said that is why we are here, to love Jesus. It made me smile and kind of laugh to myself. REO Speedwagon’s cassette, Hi-Infidelity, was the first tape I ever bought. That is the album which contains “Keep on Lovin’ You”. Really? What are the chances of that actually coming up in mass – ever. It caused me to reflect on the happiness of my childhood. I can still remember listening to that tape in a tape recorder, sitting on the wall along the drive of the house on Whitehaven when I was nine years old. That memory makes me smile.

Fr. Gregory had a great homily about how God bears fruit in us, even when we might not see it. We just need to be open to the work He will do within us and through us. Then he closed mass by stating that he would be available for confession if anybody would be interested. I sat in the pew dumfounded. Alright, I get it. So I went to confession.

It is amazing the ways in which God will speak to you if you only listen. It is amazing the work He will do in you and through you if you only open yourself up to that possibility. I never thought it was possible, to hear God, but now that I have, it is pretty amazing what He says. Today, listen for God to speak to you; it may even happen through an REO Speedwagon song.

As I prepare to share this, I am also getting ready to go to morning mass; morning mass at that very monastery. I am not sure who the celebrant will be or what words of wisdom he might share, but I am looking forward to listening for God to speak to me today. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Tag: #sadness

Beauty and Sadness

Memories, Confession, and REO Speedwagon