There is nothing I appreciate more than a hot shower. I know it sounds trivial. I often shower two or three times a day. This morning, after a strenuous workout, I was thoroughly looking forward to a long, hot shower to wash away all the sweat and fatigue. Only when I got into the shower, there was low water pressure. My husband had started a load of laundry before he went to work.
Low water pressure makes me crazy. I stood beneath the trickle of water coming from the showerhead, listening to my daily bible plan. However, I was missing the reflection because I was so focused on the lack of water pressure. Seriously, how am I supposed to shower with barely a drip? Then I paused for a moment, and I realized how fortunate I was to have running water, a drip, a trickle, a sprinkle, a burble, a stream, or a full-blown spray.
What I wanted my shower to be like…What my shower was actually like.
Right now, across our country, people are dealing with natural disasters, hurricanes, and flooding. People are without power, without running water, without homes. Many have lost everything, and some have lost loved ones. And I stood in the shower under a dribble of liquid, completely oblivious to the plight of others because of my good fortune. I was in my home, with electricity and running water, with food in my refrigerator and my loved ones safe and sound, with my dogs waiting patiently for me to exit the shower, with hot coffee ready, with the ability to wash laundry, and an opportunity to attend morning mass. What I realized is that I am cossetted.
Historic flooding in North Carolina in the wake of Hurricane Helene
I snapped back to reality when the washer had finished its cycle, and a forceful stream of hot water rushed over my head. And when I came back, I was grateful. I woke this morning in a warm and cozy bed, beneath clean sheets and a heavy quilted blanket. I packed my husband’s lunch and made myself coffee. I enjoyed a quiet morning of prayer, reading, and reflection. I was able to work out, kiss my husband goodbye as he departed for work, then shower, attend mass, visit my mother, and return home to work from my home office. Later today, I will walk my dogs, do some yard work, and make dinner. I will visit with my son, relax with my husband, and unwind before turning in for the night.
When I think of all the blessings, in this day alone, I am overwhelmed. And to think that I could have let low water pressure ruin it all. So today, pause and be thankful. Think of all the blessings this day holds and pray for those who are struggling right now.
God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. Find the good and give Him the glory. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.
John Bender from the Breakfast Club
Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.
Fr. John Bender
How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.
This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.
Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.
I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.
My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.
So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
Today is the memorial of St. George. Born in 280 A.D., he is the patron saint of England. However, St. George is best known for the Golden Legend, which is the slaying of a dragon and saving the maiden from harm.
A version of the legend goes that in a city in North Africa, there was a body of water inhabited by a dragon. In order to appease the dragon, the townspeople offered said dragon two sheep per day. Some versions indicate that the town ran out of sheep, while other legends state the ritual changed to include a sheep and a child. In either case, eventually, this became the fate of the king’s daughter. She was to sacrifice herself for the protection of the town. While she prepared to offer herself, George passed by and killed the dragon with a single strike from his lance. That gesture is symbolic of faith triumphing over evil.
While the legend is romantic and chivalrous, St. George’s death is horrific and tragic. He was martyred by Diocletian when he professed his faith in God and renounced Roman deities. Before his torture and beheading, George gave all his possessions to the poor.
Because of Georges’ valiant behavior (fighting evil, protecting, women, generosity to the poor, deep faith, etc.), he became quite popular in Europe in the 10th Century. During the Crusades, St. George was transformed into a holy warrior. King Richard I of England (“the Lionheart”) invoked him as the protector of soldiers and in 1348, King Edward III established the Order of the Knights of St. George.
Still, St. George is most associated with dragons and dragons are the stuff of fairy tales. C.K. Chesterton presents a different view by stating, “Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” St. George provides a shining example that dragons can be defeated.
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”
– C.K. Chesterton
Fr. Michael gave a great homily about this at mass this morning, thus inspiring me to reflect. Do dragons exist? Yes, dragons do exist. But what are dragons? Dragons can be anything with which you struggle, like fear, depression, anxiety, grief, anger, frustration, or sadness. Your dragons might look like illness, pain, and suffering. Perhaps your dragons are breathing the fire of hatred and mistrust, or deception and pride. Our dragons can embody the seven deadly sins of pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth.
We all have dragons, multiple dragons. Some of us might even have a Hydra that torments us. When we cut off one head and think we have triumphed, that head grows back, and it is worse than before. St. George should inspire us to fight our dragons, to not lose hope, to trust, and have faith in God. St. George does teach that the dragons can be destroyed. But we cannot destroy those dragons alone. We must ask God for help.
Temptation can be a dragon. We found this $1 bill stuffed in a tree in the form of a bird. One might be tempted to take it rather than leave its beauty for others to see.
Today, trust God, ask Him for help, and slay the dragon. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
My husband went back to work on Monday, August 21st. He is a teacher. His return to work effectively ended the Summer of Jen. If you’re a Seinfeld fan, you know what that means, as it parallels The Summer of George. The episode, The Summer of George, was the 156th episode and last episode of season 8. George lost his job with the Yankees and effectively took three months off, never changing out of his pajamas and never leaving his apartment.
August 23rd marked three months since I separated from my previous job. And while I did not spend those three months in my pajamas, I got outside at every opportunity, I enjoyed the Summer of Jen. I spent three glorious months learning what retirement might be like. My husband and I spent as much time in nature as we possibly could. We filled our days with fishing, hiking, and backpacking. We took time to seek out obscure landmarks and hidden local gems. We spent evenings by the campfire, beneath the stars. We planted a huge garden and cooked together, smoking all kinds of meats, mastering the art of curing bacon and trying our hand at canning. We foraged berries and mushrooms, spent more time reading, and took the dogs on countless walks. While we had to dial back some things because I was, in fact, unemployed, it was one of the best summers ever. The Summer of Jen was a summer of freedom. We had no constraints. My husband was off for the summer, and I have been off indefinitely as I continue to search for my next great adventure.
We woke early most days, began our mornings with prayer, reading, walking or rucking, then brunch. On the mornings we went fishing; we headed out a bit earlier and enjoyed sandwiches on the boat. The days we hiked were similar to the days we fished; the days we went on other adventures almost always involved a late breakfast, usually omelets, but sometimes something more elaborate. It was a summer of no schedules, no rules. It was a summer of bliss. We even determined that we would be able to survive retirement together.
I am extremely grateful for the Summer of Jen. I needed that time to reset, to relax, and to learn to appreciate everything that life throws at you, even the things that you may not have wanted but desperately needed.
If I am being honest, I was lying to myself about how wonderful my last job was. It wasn’t wonderful, it was life-sucking, and I was miserable, but I didn’t actually know it. My husband has commented on how happy I have been these past few months. I am beyond happy, I am joyful. And surprisingly, not fearful or worried about the future. I know I eventually have to return to the workforce, but I have been taking this time to figure out who I really am and who I want to be. It is almost like a period of invention or rediscovery.
I helped my son with some home improvement projects during my time off.
I have spent most of my career in the fundraising world, and while I have thoroughly enjoyed that work, maybe it’s time for a change or maybe it isn’t. That’s what I have been trying to discern these past few weeks. I have been trying to hear God’s voice and understand his direction for my life. I have been getting a strong sense that I am supposed to “come home,” but I am not sure where “home” is.
FoodDogsFamilyThis is Hometo me.
Then this morning, I woke up groggy. I packed my husband’s lunch for work and sat down to read. (I am currently reading Miracle in Darien). About 30 minutes into reading, I had this strong sense that I should get ready and go to the 8am mass at Blessed Sacrament. As I sat waiting for the service to begin, I again got a strong sense of needing to “come home.” I was reflecting on this “feeling” as mass began, unsure of what it meant.
Mass started. Deacon Bob gave a great homily tying the first and second readings together on this Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. Little did I know that this mass was being offered for my Dad. When the petitions were read, that is when I discovered the intention of the mass. It was a bit overwhelming because of how I actually ended up at mass in the first place.
And while I still don’t know what I am supposed to do next and am not really sure what “come home” means, I do know that I was supposed to be at mass this morning and that God is doing something in my life. Until it is clear to me what that next step is, I will continue to trust in God’s providence for my life. I will continue to enjoy this break. Although the Summer of Jen has officially come to an end, the sabbatical, the rediscovery, the reinvention is still in process. I will continue to find joy in the change and uncertainty.
I hope if you are dealing with uncertainty, with change, or even with challenges, you are able to find the joy and find your path. Until then, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
The other day somebody asked me if I thought I was a good Catholic. I kind of laughed and replied, there are some days that I wonder if I am even a good person. I mean, let’s be honest, I am usually a mess of a human being.
I vacillate between selfishness and gratefulness. I am sure everybody does this, but I think I may do it more than most. There are days when I can be thoughtful, can put the needs of others before my own, go out of my way to be kind to others; I want them to feel cared for. Then there are days when I just can’t be bothered. I am completely self-centered, egocentric, and careless about the feelings of others. These are the days when I really don’t give a shit.
My Bible from high school
I really do want to be that kind, compassionate, caring, empathetic person; that person who embodies the love of Christ. But it is so very challenging. It is so difficult to be that person day in and day out. Maybe that makes me shallow, or fickle, or disingenuous, or unauthentic. I read a passage from Romans last week one day during prayer; “Let love be sincere, hate what is evil, hold on to what is good, love one another with mutual affection, anticipate one another showing mutual honor.” (Romans 12, 9-10).
From the Bible App on my phone
St. Paul makes it sound so easy. Trying to live that out every day is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting, but at the same time, it is spiritually renewing. So I have been pondering what exactly this means for me. In fact, it has me contemplating what it means for every person. I am sure that everyone struggles with this in some form, even those who embody Christ in all they do.
We, as broken human beings, take so much in our lives for granted that we forget to thank God for the little things. Like the ability to work out, a run in the crisp air right before dawn, a walk on a nature trail, watching the sunrise, spending time with our spouse, our families, and our friends. But we also take our faith for granted. These are the things that we think will always be readily available to us. We need to thank God for those things because they may not always be available. We may not always be able to work out, run or walk. (I have recently learned that as I recover from foot surgery.) Someday, we may lose our eyesight or our hearing. (I lost my sense of taste and smell during a bout with COVID, trust me when I say that was unsettling.) Our spouse, our families, and our friends may not always be around. And our faith is just something that I think we tend to forget about or overlook. I often treat my faith as an afterthought.
I like to work out. It is one of the ways in which I can be selfish.
We fail to attend mass because we’re tired or don’t care for the priest, or don’t want to be bothered. Or maybe we don’t go because we are mad at the Catholic Church (this is when we need to pray the most). We don’t pray because we don’t have time or don’t think God really hears us. When we do this, when we make excuses; we take our faith for granted. We don’t feed it; we don’t give it an opportunity to grow. And that is really when we need prayer the most.
I, for one, do take all of those things for granted. I expect to come home every day and work out. I expect to be able to run on the treadmill whenever I feel so inspired or take the dogs for a walk at a whim. I expect to see the sunrise each morning. I expect that my husband will be there to go on adventures with me. I expect that my family will always be around and that my friends will be available when I most need them. And I expect God to be there always, even when I haven’t talked to him in a very long time. And even though I take my faith for granted, the really beautiful thing is that God will always be there. Especially when we think He isn’t.
Do these things make me a bad Catholic? No, they make me human. And humans are broken, sinful, and in need of God’s grace every single day. But guess what, God is always there just waiting for us to ask Him for help, to invite Him into our lives, even when we take Him for granted. Even when we forget about Him, even when our faith becomes an afterthought.
So today be grateful for everything in your life and don’t take anything for granted. Thank God for all of the gifts and blessings in your lives, for all of those things that you undervalue and overlook. And know that you are going to mess, up, you are going to make mistakes, some days you might not even feel like you’re a good person, but rest assured, God will always be there for you. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
This memory came up on my Facebook feed yesterday. It is from December 19, 2018. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember that day very vividly. I actually read the feed while I sat waiting for Sunday Morning mass to begin. Coincidentally, I had been pondering going to confession before Christmas. Even though it is dated and I now longer work for the Franciscan Sisters, I thought it was worth sharing.
December 19, 2018 I really do not like going to confession. I know there are some people that enjoy it, they feel liberated and restored and, therefore, receive the sacrament of reconciliation often. I don’t experience that same “joy”. The thought of confessing my sins, whether it is to a priest I know well or to a total stranger, makes me feel physically ill. I become anxious and agitated and eventually talk myself out of going to confession at all. That would explain why in the past 25 years, I may have gone to confession half a dozen times.
Confession by Florida Georgia Line
But now I work for religious sisters, sisters who receive the sacrament of reconciliation weekly. I mean I already kind of feel like a heathen when I am with them, but now I feel even more like an unrepentant sinner because I don’t like the process of atonement. In the 3 years that I have worked for them, I have gone to confession 3 times. That 3 times is included in the 6 times that I have gone in the past quarter century. One of those times was today.
An Act of Contrition
There is a priest who comes every other week to hear confessions at the Mother House for the sisters. I asked if I could sign up for one of the confession slots. One of the sisters was kind enough to put me on the schedule for this afternoon. Then this morning before mass began, I had a change of heart. I just wasn’t feeling the whole “let’s go confess our sins” thing. I had decided that I would take my name off of the schedule. I’m not going to confession, no big deal, right? Wrong.
There were several tiny little signs that were telling me I needed to go to confession today. The first one was before I even got to work. I was coming down the drive to work when I was overcome by a profound feeling of sadness. It hit me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning. I started thinking about my Dad, how Christmas was less than a week away and that this would be the first Christmas without him. All of these thoughts are running through my head as I pull into the parking space and I noticea deer in the grass at the edge of the lot. The Reverend Mother had told me that the deer symbolizes God’s grace. Immediately, the feeling of sadness left me. Amazing!
Fr. Gregory said mass this morning, and he opened up mass talking about REO Speedwagon’s song “Keep on Lovin’ You.” He said that is why we are here, to love Jesus. It made me smile and kind of laugh to myself. REO Speedwagon’s cassette, Hi-Infidelity, was the first tape I ever bought. That is the album which contains “Keep on Lovin’ You”. Really? What are the chances of that actually coming up in mass – ever. It caused me to reflect on the happiness of my childhood. I can still remember listening to that tape in a tape recorder, sitting on the wall along the drive of the house on Whitehaven when I was nine years old. That memory makes me smile.
My original cassette
Fr. Gregory had a great homily about how God bears fruit in us, even when we might not see it. We just need to be open to the work He will do within us and through us. Then he closed mass by stating that he would be available for confession if anybody would be interested. I sat in the pew dumfounded. Alright, I get it. So I went to confession.
Side One, Second Song
It is amazing the ways in which God will speak to you if you only listen. It is amazing the work He will do in you and through you if you only open yourself up to that possibility. I never thought it was possible, to hear God, but now that I have, it is pretty amazing what He says. Today, listen for God to speak to you; it may even happen through an REO Speedwagon song.
As I prepare to share this, I am also getting ready to go to morning mass; morning mass at that very monastery. I am not sure who the celebrant will be or what words of wisdom he might share, but I am looking forward to listening for God to speak to me today. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
What’s in it for me? Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.
This really started with going to Sunday mass. You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily. Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses. Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful.
Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest. I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass. But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience.
While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service. In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me. I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy. I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.
At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love. But, you know, sometimes change is good. So, we tried a different parish. And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious. There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life. Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it. Because I don’t want to be there. And that makes me feel guilty.
This is not a good feeling for me. Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored. But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry. I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service. So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while. He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.” And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear. I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable. That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass.
Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness. And that’s when the backslide began. So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”. And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us. We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him. So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life. Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me.
Tux the Cat stayed with me while I convalesced
So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others. And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Have you ever felt like the whole world was conspiring against you to keep you away from God? Maybe I am over dramatizing here, but that is exactly how I have felt these past couple of days. I have felt like God has been so far out of reach, and everything I try doesn’t bring Him any closer.
I awoke early this morning and was ready to leave the house well before my normal 6:30am departure. I jumped in the car and headed to the Father of Mercy Chapel for morning mass. This is where I normally attend Monday morning mass. However, when I arrived this morning, the doors were locked. Needless to say, I was taken aback.
I had spent that morning drive pondering how I would pray morning prayer. I had left my prayer books at work over the weekend. They were lying on my desk. I had been making a mental plan of how to approach morning prayer for the past 20 minutes. Never did I image that the doors to chapel would be locked. I knocked. No answer. I stood dumbfounded wondering if God knew I was standing outside, wondering why I could not get in.
The prayer booklets I left on my desk at work.
With an air of desperation, I turned and walked down the stairs and back to my car. While doing so, I checked the emailed mass schedule that I had received for the month of October. Mass wasn’t being held today until 8:15am. I drove to work.
This was the second, third or fourth time in the past 24 hours in which I had felt alienated from God (not alienated by God).
I thought this picture capture alienation perfectly. Taken at the Stone Lodge in Beatty Park.
Yesterday evening, I had this incredible desire to go to confession. You should know, this is not something for which I ever have a yearning – ever. Confession is a challenge for me – extremely difficult, yet yesterday evening I had this “pull” or felt this need to go. And I really wanted to go immediately, but that wasn’t possible.
I contacted a few of my priest friends hoping to be able to go this morning, fully expecting this to be possible. Only it wasn’t. Nobody was hearing confessions on this dismal, gray and drizzling Monday morning. It was kind of like, three strikes and you’re out. I had contacted 3 priests. I was truly dumfounded. I mean, I actually wanted to go to confession, and I couldn’t. God felt so far out of reach last night and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
I worried that my longing to receive the sacrament of confession would wane as time passed. I went to bed, contemplating this and what it really meant. Still, I planned to attend mass, but for the first time in a very long time, not receive the Eucharist. All because of this great need to confess my sins to a priest and receive absolution.
As I awoke this morning from one of the deepest sleeps in which I have been in a very long time, I felt a renewed sense of the need to attend morning mass. To discover only an hour later, the doors locked and no one answering my knock, deflated me. I left the hilltop, defeated. As I was descending the hill from the monastery, I began reflecting on how I had been intending to not receive communion this morning. Then I began wondering why getting to God was so difficult these past few days, I mean really difficult.
Satan is real and evil permeates our society. These things you can clearly see if you just look at our world today. All you have to do is turn on the news or read the paper. There is too much evil.
I began to think that this was the devil trying to undermine my relationship with Christ. I mean, I couldn’t find a priest to hear my confession this morning – not one, not two, but three were unavailable. I had left my prayer books at work, lying on my desk. And then the doors to the chapel were locked. LOCKED! I was locked out, away from God.
But as I pulled into my parking space at work, I had a different realization. I realized that perhaps, all of these things were a blessing, and all of these things were orchestrated by divine intervention. Sounds weird, right? But not being able to find a priest to hear my confession today has given me a greater opportunity to examine my conscience, to reflect on my sins and to better prepare for absolution. And yes, I still intend to go, it just might not be as soon as I would like. And the doors being locked and mass being at a different time, I think that was to help me avoid the temptation to receive the body of Christ while not in a state of grace. Yes, I would have been tempted to do that. I probably would have gone to communion had I gone to mass this morning, even if I was thinking that I wouldn’t. It is difficult to explain, and I am sure there are many who understand where I am coming from. But I truly believe it was God’s gentle hand protecting me from falling even further from grace.
Just moments before I arrived at the chapel, I had been listen to the song Fallen, by Sarah McLaughlin. It was almost prophetic for how I have been feeling lately. But I know there is redemption and there is grace and that God does work in mysterious ways. By all accounts, my Monday morning did not go as I had planned, it was a bit mysterious the way in which it unfolded. It seemed obvious that someone or something was trying to undermine my peace. But, in the end, I truly believe it was in my best interest. I just had to look beyond the obvious to see the extraordinary love of God.
So today, look beyond the obvious and find the extraordinary. Everything does, indeed, happen for a reason. And Today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I have been thinking a lot about decisions this week and reflecting on a number of decisions that I have recently made. You see, I planned to begin this week with morning mass at the Monastery. However, when my alarm went off on Monday morning, I turned it off and went back to sleep. That was my first decision of the day, and maybe not a good decision.
When I woke up, at 6:30am, I figured I would simply miss mass and go straight into work. That is when I remembered the 8am mass at Blessed Sacrament. So I decided to go there. Normally, Mondays are Fr. Michael’s day off. But there he was saying mass that morning. This ended up being a good decision.
Adoration at Blessed Sacrament, photo by Molly McManus
After work on Monday, I decided to mow the lawn. I decided to push mow it (because it’s a great work out). I push mowed the entire lawn (roughly 6.5 miles total). I was supposed to lift weights on Monday but decided that I probably should not after the lawn mowing work out. So I decided to shower and make dinner. After dinner, Todd and I decided to sit outside and read on the patio with the dogs and enjoy the cooler evening. As I sat outside, I began to feel the effects of mowing. While everything about Monday seemed to be me making good decisions, I began to wonder about my decision to take on the lawn alone (my son had offered to help) and not use the riding mower (I normally opt to leave it in the shed). Perhaps push mowing was not a good decision.
I continued to think about decisions throughout the week. Again, I had decided to attend the morning mass at the Monastery on Wednesday, because I had not been there all week. But as I debated the time of mass and the work I needed to accomplish before 11am that day, I decided that the 7am mass at Holy Rosary would be preferable.
As I was sitting in the silence praying morning prayer, Sr. Agnes Therese appeared. I had not seen her in several months. She is a good friend of mine with whom I had worked closely with at one time. Additionally, Fr. Tom’s homily, one about having faith in difficult moments, was one that I desperately needed to hear. So of course, I viewed this as another good decision, one that had a touch of divine intervention.
From my days of working and traveling with Sr. Agnes Therese.
We make multiple decisions every day, throughout the entire day and often don’t put a whole lot of thought into those decisions. Many of them are trivial decisions, like deciding to mow the grass or which mass to attend. We make those decisions based on need or preference and little else. I can certainly say that I didn’t think out every possible scenario for morning mass options when I decided to go mass any morning this week. I certainly didn’t think about the possibility that I might run into a friend or that one of my favorite priests might be saying morning mass or that a homily would be so important. But that very decision to attend mass could have, and typically does have, a huge impact on my day.
What if I was unable to attend mass? What if I decided to not go to mass at all? What if I chose to use the riding mower? There are literally thousands of decisions that we make daily. What am I going to wear today? Should I ride my motorcycle to work? What should I eat for breakfast? When will I work out today? Should I call my friend? Should I visit my Mom? Should I ask my neighbor to go for a walk? Literally thousands – everyday – decisions that we don’t even realize we are making.
I know I have personally made a lot of bad decisions, made decisions that I have been unsure of, made decisions that I have questioned, made decisions that I didn’t even know I was making. But I have also made decisions after substantial prayer, and conversation with God. Serious decisions that require prayer, thought and introspection. I vacillate between quick knee-jerk decisions and prayerful decision-making.
And as I sat in mass each morning this week, I thought about those decisions. I thought about those decisions because Mondays gospel talked about how Jesus withdrew when he heard about the death of John the Baptist. (That was Jesus’ decision to “withdraw” and it was the crowd’s decision to follow him.)
So I went back and read Matthew Chapter 14. Herod made the decision to have John the Baptist beheaded, although Herod really didn’t want to have John beheaded. He had wanted to kill John because John told him he should not be sleeping with his brother’s wife, Herodias. However, Herod feared reprisals because John was regarded as a prophet. So he had John arrested and imprisoned.
Eventually, Herod made a decision to give the daughter of Herodias whatever she desired; she desired the head of John the Baptist. That “promise” he made, resulted in that decision to take John’s life because Herod certainly couldn’t renege. He made that statement at a birthday party in his honor, in front of distinguished guests and in front of Herodias and her daughter. Herod ultimately made the choice to behead John because he was worried about what everybody else would think if he didn’t up hold the “promise”.
Just a little prayer I thought I would share.
Wow! How many times have we made decisions in the very same manner, worried about what others would think? I know I have, I am sure you have. So I reflected on that today and in that contemplation made an unconscious prayer to the Holy Spirit, asking Him to “Lead me, Guide me, to make those decisions that will draw me closer to Christ.” Just for the record, this type of prayer is atypical for me, but it reconfirms just how far my faith and prayer life have actually come. So today I encourage you to approach your decision-making from that same standpoint and ask, “Will this decision draw me closer to Christ?” And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you
It has been quite a while since I penned any thoughts or any reflections. I just haven’t had anything meaningful (in my opinion) to share. I was hoping that the Lenten season would inspire me, but it did not.
It is difficult to feel far from God when you are surrounded by His beautiful creation
In fact, during the entire season of Lent, in which I was supposed to be drawing closer to God, I could not have felt any farther away from Him. And it was not for lack of trying. During the entire forty days, I prayed morning prayer (although often I completely blanked out), read multiple daily reflections (although nothing was speaking to me), I attended daily mass (although I was typically distracted and agitated), prayed a daily rosary (often days more than one) and the chaplet of Divine Mercy. I also continued to pray the St. Andrew Novena just because I like it. I have tried just being silent and listening. But I got nothing. Even the priest’s whose homilies usually touch me in a profound way had left me entirely empty. Nothing was bringing me peace and I didn’t feel close to God at all. If anything I felt like God was completely absent from my life. And I was angry. Perpetually angry. And I think it was because of that absence. Or perhaps it was something else. I really don’t know; I just know that I felt “out of sorts”.
I essentially complained about the state of my relationship with God to a friend of mine who happens to be a religious sister. I guess I thought or knew that she might have some insight into one’s individual prayer life and how to navigate a relationship with God. She told me that there are times when we will experience aridity in prayer, when we will feel like God is far away. She also indicated that this is normal.
She then recommended a book to me to help me through this “distance” I am experiencing with God right now called Discernment of the Spirits by Fr. Timothy Gallagher. She indicated that it was an easy read, and it was specifically written for lay people. Needless to say, I was excited to have some help in this area so I ordered the book…or so I thought.
I waited anxiously for my book to arrive – two days had never seemed so long. Then the long-awaited day arrived. It was then that I realized I ordered the wrong book. I ordered the Reader’s Guide which is an accompaniment to the actual book – the book that I did not order.
I accepted my little “ordering” mistake as a message from God, the first message that I had had or at least had recognized in months. I figured this was God telling me that he wanted me to dive in a little deeper into this book (the book that I did not yet possess) and spend a little more time getting into the “heart” of the Christian spiritual life. So I went back online and ordered the correct book, only to find out that its delivery would take a little longer that I had hoped it would. Apparently, God was going to teach me patience as well through this little event.
The book has finally arrived, and I intend to begin reading it today. However, as I was looking through it to get an idea of exactly what I am in for, I realized that it is essentially a book of rules – the rules for spiritual life. Incidentally, I am also reading another book of rules called the 12 Rules for Life – An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan B. Peterson. I have been reading this book for the past couple of weeks, and in a twist of irony I have actually felt a little closer to God while reading it. It has given me a lot to reflect on or maybe just relate to. (There are a number of Biblical references, philosophy and psychology wrapped up in that book).
The point of all of this is, yes, right now I still feel very far from God. But I think a lot of that is my own fault. I have spent the last few months wrapped up in the chaos of our world, of poor leadership, of exaggerated COVID numbers and bold face media lies, of inherent evil in our society, of the desire for power and an unspeakable greed that has become part of the fabric of our government and of big corporations, in the influence of social media, and the opinions of shallow, yet powerful celebrities, of people turning away from God, of “following the science” which, in fact is not science at all, in two weeks to flatten the curve, and in virtue signaling, which is not virtuous at all. I became lost in the chaos of our world and I lost sight of God. When you lose sight of God, you cannot hear what He is trying to tell you, you cannot do God’s will, and you certainly will feel far from God. But I feel like I am on the right path in resurrecting (no pun intended) my relationship with God, particularly during this Octave of Easter.
So today, maybe take a moment and see where you stand in your relationship with God. Have you reduced room for Him like I did because I was so concerned about external issues? Or maybe you have not had a relationship with God at all. In either case, now is a good time to begin that journey with God. So today, please pray for me as I delve into my new book and open that door to an improved relationship with God, and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 