Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the term “show up” as an intransitive verb meaning to arrive, or appear, or to become involved with others and make an active contribution, but also to provide help and support for someone. So let me ask you, do you show up?
If you are a responsible adult, you probably do. You probably show up for work on time (or at least close to it) every day, because you know there are consequences if you don’t; consequences such as reduced pay or even the loss of your job. If you’re happily married, I bet you show up for your spouse, too. Marriage is a commitment, for better or worse. However, if you are not happily married, you might not show up. If you have children, I am sure you show up for them whenever they need you. That is just what parents do. Parents show up.
I bet you show up for other things too. Like that work meeting, the one that the “head honcho” will be attending, so you can pitch your idea that just might get you that promotion. Or that conference, that you simply must attend, because it might open up doors to other opportunities, and let you rub elbows with some people of “influence” with whom you can make connections. Or maybe it’s that party that everyone is going to, that you simply just can’t miss. Or maybe the football game tailgate, the latest concert, or the play that everyone is talking about. Do you show up for those things?
We all show up for a lot of things that we think are important. We show up for a lot of things where we think we must be seen, because if we are not there, what would people think? Unfortunately, we show up for most things because we think we have to, not necessarily because we should, and many times not even because we want to show up.
I tend to show up for beer, too.
So let me ask you again, do you show up? And if you answered yes, why do you show up? The “why” is definitely something to think about. I am typically one to show up because I have to, especially with regard to work or expectation. I’m not going to lie. I do a lot of things out of a sense of obligation. Rarely do I show up because I want to, unless it involves being outdoors, on a trail, in the middle of nowhere. If I am being honest, I can be pretty selfish. And when that happens, I don’t show up.
In the Bible in the Year podcast today, Fr. Mike Schmitz thanked the listeners for showing up, for showing up for 60 days. Wow, 60 days. I know I don’t always show up for God. I miss that mark a lot, a whole lot. But God always, ALWAYS, shows up for us.
As Fr. Mike said, “When we fall away, God remains steadfast.” He also said that we are called to “stand in the gap”, and to me, standing in the gap looks a lot like showing up.
I realized today that by listening to his podcast every day, I am showing up in a very small way. I also realized that if I can show up in this small way, maybe I can show up in bigger ways.
I have been thinking about how I can show up. How I can stand in the gap for somebody else, for somebody that I am not expecting something from in return? Funny thing is, it wasn’t that hard to figure out. It could be as simple as a text, a message, a phone call, a meal, a note, a visit, and the list goes on. There are a million small ways that you can show up for family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and even strangers.
Our dogs always show up for us.
So, think today about how you will show up. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
In my early twenties, I was convinced that I did not want to get married or have children. I wanted to be independent, self-sufficient, and free of any entanglements. I had too many interests, too many friends, and too many things that I wanted to do to be tied down. I was living life to its fullest without having to answer to anyone. Essentially, I wanted to “play the field.”
I like to play the field with beer.
In reality, I probably suffered a little from what is now known as FOMO – fear of missing out. If I did not commit (to a person, to an invitation, to a position, to an event), I could do whatever I wanted without having to bend, give, or compromise. There were no concessions, no negotiations, no arbitrations. And if I didn’t like something, I could just move on to the next big thing.
Any opportunity to backpack is now my “next big thing”.
I had convinced myself that I liked being alone, that this type of freedom was exactly what I wanted. No commitments – to parties, to people, to activities, to anything. My only real obligations at that time of my life were to work and the gym.
Ready for the gym…
I actually had a pretty serious relationship at that time…with my health club. We met every day after work and would spend at least an hour together. We would even get together on the weekends now and then for a couple of hours of running and weights. I was so committed to working out that I planned almost everything else around that singular activity. I could not meet my friends until I finished at the gym. If somebody wanted to go to happy hour after work, I normally declined because I had to go work out. Requests for dinner could only be arranged after I completed my fitness regimen. The health club was my church, my religion, my on-going relationship.
My relationship with working out is still pretty serious.
Now, that didn’t mean that I did not want relationships (platonic, friendly, or romantic) with people; I did. But when that relationship got too demanding, I would bolt. It was too much work, and I liked being able to do what I wanted to do, how I wanted to, and when I wanted to do it.
I think we do this in our relationship with God, too. We keep Him at arms distance because we don’t want to get too close. Some of us don’t even want the accountability that living a Christian life brings with it. So, we play the field. We keep our options open so we can make the decisions that we want to make and do what we want to do at the risk of our very salvation.
The most important relationships are the ones I have with my family.
And God accepts us for who we are and where we are because He loves us unconditionally. He wants a relationship with us, but He will not force it or impose Himself on us. He does not mind if we “play the field.” He lets us decide and He patiently waits until we get there. That is the freedom He gives us. That is the love He has for us. And that is a pretty amazing kind of love.
Looking back, maybe it wasn’t really playing the field at all. Maybe I was just being selfish. Maybe that is all playing the field really is, selfishness. I know that I was selfish in my twenties, but I have worked through a lot of that to make space for what is important, like my prayer life and my relationship with God. And I know that I am still selfish; it is just in different ways now and it is something that I continually work on.
Charlie, just because.
While I know I may never be perfect (far from it), I will keep trying to make personal improvements. The Greek translation of perfect is whole or complete, not flawless. As in Matthew 5:4, we are called to “strive to be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.” A relationship with God leads to that whole or completeness, it leads to that perfection that Matthew references.
Tangible unconditional love
So today, make space for God, share some of your time with Him. You might be surprised by the peace that it brings you as you take one step closer to perfection. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
For the past few days I have been reflecting on the activities of the summer. We are quickly approaching the beginning of a new school year and we are on the cusp of autumn (my favorite season). I have been contemplating quite a bit about how I was going to approach this piece. How I have spent the summer of 2022 has been met with wonder, amazement, respect, curiosity, and maybe some resentment and bitterness. Some might call my summer selfish. I would call my summer self-care.
Thomspon Ledges – a day hike
This summer I spent a lot of time in the woods. It began with a section hike of the Appalachian Trail in early June with my best friend from childhood. This was an adventure a lot of people did not understand. Who would willingly carry 40 pounds of supplies on their back, sleep in a coffin-like tent (I used a solo bivy tent on the AT), eat dehydrated meals, wear the same clothes every day, not be able to shower for days on end, and have to filter stream water just to have something to drink? I would. And as it turns out, I enjoyed it more than I would have ever imagined.
The first vista we encountered on the AT – some where in Maryland.
I have always liked hiking. But my hikes were limited to day hikes. Most of the hikes were between 4-6 miles. Some were longer. But after each hike, I came home and took a shower. I’m the kind of girl who showers daily. And when I say daily, I mean two and three times a day. So the not showering part was my greatest concern approaching the AT adventure. But surprisingly, it was not a challenge at all. Once I realized I didn’t care as much about the daily shower as I thought I would, I jumped in fully to the backpacking thing.
This summer alone I have backpacked part of the AT. When I returned from that trip, my husband and I began our backpacking adventures, most of which include our dogs. We started off with an overnight at Zaleski State Forest about a week after I returned from the AT. That was our first adventure with two of our dogs (the littles). It was challenging because we did not realize that the area had experienced microbursts just days earlier. There were a number of downed trees and debris covered large portions of the trail. At one point, I had to lift Charlie over a tree because it was far too large for him to jump over and there was no clearance for climbing under. And yes, I speak to him like he is human, talking him through the lift and telling him that I would pick him up on three…then I proceeded to count it out…1, 2, 3. Don’t laugh, we have an understanding and my relationship with him is better than most of my relationships with humans.
From there we moved on to a challenging route at Quebec Run Wild Area. We left the dogs home for this 11.5 mile loop because we were not sure just how “challenging” this trail would be. The struggle was real, with some steep inclines, but the area was beautiful, silent, and still. We saw only one other hiker and spent a very quiet evening camped by a creek about 9 miles in. We did hear elk in the distance late at night. It was quite a profound experience. And Quebec Run quickly became one of my favorite places.
After that, we decided to explore the Allegheny National Forest and did the Morrison Trail Loop. This 13-mile loop had a campground about halfway into the hike that was situated on a beautiful lake. The only way to the campground was on foot or by boat. We brought the littles on this hike and arrived at the campground around 4 o’clock in the afternoon. We set up camp right on the water’s edge. There were two other campers (boaters) dispersed throughout the area and lots of signs warning us about black bears. The view from our tents was beautiful and reconfirmed my love of backpacking and deepened my appreciation of nature.
The view from our campsite at the Allegheny National Forest
Two days after that trip, we headed back to the Quebec Run Wild Area with the dogs in tow this time. We hiked a shorter and less challenging loop, which included a stream crossing and a pretty steep incline to get back out. Again, we camped by the creek, the rushing water was soothing and provided ample hydration for all of us. Late in the evening as we sat by the campfire, we heard a pack of coyotes howl and bark. Another perfect night in the woods.
Ten days later, we ventured out again with the dogs and headed to a point-to-point trail at Moraine State Park. This was not our first choice for this expedition, but the weather forecast had caused us to change our plans. This ended up being a 10-mile hike out and back. We camped at a shelter and had an amazing campfire. I even foraged for some mushrooms on this trip. We listened to birds call to one another at dusk and slumbered so soundly that we slept in the following morning and didn’t break down camp until after 8am.
The forest of Moraine State Park
We returned home and departed 3 days later for our intended destination in Bigfoot country, Wayne National Forest. Once again, we departed, sans dogs, because this intended trail was noted as “difficult” and encompassed almost 15 miles. We hiked 9 miles the first day, finally arriving at a camp that was along a nearly dry creek bed. There was no water to be found, the trek was long and challenging with a lot of steep inclines, but the scenery was beautiful, with a natural bridge, caves, and rock outcroppings. We were exhausted as we set up camp and prepared dinner. We enjoyed a wonderful campfire before turning in for the night only to be awakened around 2am by an inhuman cry/wail/moan/howl which reminded us that we were in Bigfoot country.
We came home from this last adventure two days ago and we are planning our next trip. Thus far, we have covered more than 200 miles with all of our day and overnight expeditions.
I share all of this because most people don’t understand what we do. Even more, they don’t understand why we do it. There is something profoundly spiritual about being in the natural world, deeply submerged in nature, that brings you ever closer to God. I have a greater appreciation for this incredible planet that He has given us, this incredible world that we completely take for granted. Being in the wilderness restores my soul, brings me peace, comforts my restlessness, soothes my mind, removes my cares, gives me a reset, and connects me with God in a way that I cannot explain. But if you know, you know.
There have been many people who do not understand my love of disconnecting and unplugging from society, from people, from the world. But that’s okay, not everyone needs to understand. There are some people who think that I may be selfish for packing up and leaving everything behind for a day or two or even a week or more, but there is a big difference between selfishness and self-care. This is my self-care. This is my time with God, appreciating His creation, enjoying the silence that only nature can provide, and listening to the wind, the water, and the animals, listening to nature. Listening to God.
So today, take some time for self-care. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Because when you are taking care of yourself, you are making space for God. You are creating fertile ground so that God can work in your life. And maybe take a walk in the woods, listen to the trees, inhale the forest air, wade through a creek, and listen for God. I know He has something He wants to tell you. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
The other day somebody asked me if I thought I was a good Catholic. I kind of laughed and replied, there are some days that I wonder if I am even a good person. I mean, let’s be honest, I am usually a mess of a human being.
I vacillate between selfishness and gratefulness. I am sure everybody does this, but I think I may do it more than most. There are days when I can be thoughtful, can put the needs of others before my own, go out of my way to be kind to others; I want them to feel cared for. Then there are days when I just can’t be bothered. I am completely self-centered, egocentric, and careless about the feelings of others. These are the days when I really don’t give a shit.
My Bible from high school
I really do want to be that kind, compassionate, caring, empathetic person; that person who embodies the love of Christ. But it is so very challenging. It is so difficult to be that person day in and day out. Maybe that makes me shallow, or fickle, or disingenuous, or unauthentic. I read a passage from Romans last week one day during prayer; “Let love be sincere, hate what is evil, hold on to what is good, love one another with mutual affection, anticipate one another showing mutual honor.” (Romans 12, 9-10).
From the Bible App on my phone
St. Paul makes it sound so easy. Trying to live that out every day is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting, but at the same time, it is spiritually renewing. So I have been pondering what exactly this means for me. In fact, it has me contemplating what it means for every person. I am sure that everyone struggles with this in some form, even those who embody Christ in all they do.
We, as broken human beings, take so much in our lives for granted that we forget to thank God for the little things. Like the ability to work out, a run in the crisp air right before dawn, a walk on a nature trail, watching the sunrise, spending time with our spouse, our families, and our friends. But we also take our faith for granted. These are the things that we think will always be readily available to us. We need to thank God for those things because they may not always be available. We may not always be able to work out, run or walk. (I have recently learned that as I recover from foot surgery.) Someday, we may lose our eyesight or our hearing. (I lost my sense of taste and smell during a bout with COVID, trust me when I say that was unsettling.) Our spouse, our families, and our friends may not always be around. And our faith is just something that I think we tend to forget about or overlook. I often treat my faith as an afterthought.
I like to work out. It is one of the ways in which I can be selfish.
We fail to attend mass because we’re tired or don’t care for the priest, or don’t want to be bothered. Or maybe we don’t go because we are mad at the Catholic Church (this is when we need to pray the most). We don’t pray because we don’t have time or don’t think God really hears us. When we do this, when we make excuses; we take our faith for granted. We don’t feed it; we don’t give it an opportunity to grow. And that is really when we need prayer the most.
I, for one, do take all of those things for granted. I expect to come home every day and work out. I expect to be able to run on the treadmill whenever I feel so inspired or take the dogs for a walk at a whim. I expect to see the sunrise each morning. I expect that my husband will be there to go on adventures with me. I expect that my family will always be around and that my friends will be available when I most need them. And I expect God to be there always, even when I haven’t talked to him in a very long time. And even though I take my faith for granted, the really beautiful thing is that God will always be there. Especially when we think He isn’t.
Do these things make me a bad Catholic? No, they make me human. And humans are broken, sinful, and in need of God’s grace every single day. But guess what, God is always there just waiting for us to ask Him for help, to invite Him into our lives, even when we take Him for granted. Even when we forget about Him, even when our faith becomes an afterthought.
So today be grateful for everything in your life and don’t take anything for granted. Thank God for all of the gifts and blessings in your lives, for all of those things that you undervalue and overlook. And know that you are going to mess, up, you are going to make mistakes, some days you might not even feel like you’re a good person, but rest assured, God will always be there for you. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Ash Wednesday marked the start of the Lenten season, which in and of itself is a big deal. This is the time of prayer, fasting and alms giving as we reflect on God’s great love for us and prepare for Easter Sunday. It was last year that I finally grasped the meaning and importance of the Lenten season. It was when I finally understood what a Lenten sacrifice was. Lent has taken on a much different meaning for me over the past year and has a far greater significance in my life.
The prayer coin we were given at Ash Wednesday Service at Holy Family Church
Ash Wednesday 2020 was meaningful for a couple of other reasons as well. This Ash Wednesday mark my first day of freedom. It was a day of independence, of liberation, of sovereignty, of dominion. It was the day that I got my life back. It was the first day that I had driven a car in well over a month. It was the day that I returned to the office to work (albeit on a limited basis). It was the day that I attended meetings with actual people. Although I had been working from home, my interactions with real people had been quite limited. It was the day that I was able to return to daily mass, and Ash Wednesday 2020 was the first time my husband received ashes (he converted to Catholicism almost 20 years ago but had never received ashes on Ash Wednesday).
I had a work meeting at Leonardo’s, a local coffee house, the evening of Ash Wednesday. My coffee came in this mug; just another message from God.
On February 3rd, everything changed, even if I wasn’t ready, even if I didn’t want it to, even if I was denying that it would change. For the past month, it almost seemed like my life has been on hold. I am not a person who can just sit idly. I am not very good at relaxing and I tend to over think and analyze things when I don’t have something to do. The entire month of February, I was forced to relax. I needed to relax if I was to heal properly.
Although I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early November and had surgery at the beginning of February, I have to remind myself that I am still in recovery. I still, technically, have at least a couple more weeks of recuperation from the mastectomy surgery. And I will have another surgery in a couple of months. I actually have to remind myself that I had cancer.
I know I have mentioned this before, but I don’t feel like I have/had cancer. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel angry, I am not worried. I am not in pain, I am not depressed, I am not upset. The only things that have reminded me that I had cancer and had surgery to treat it were the changes to my daily routines.
For the entire month of February, I missed daily mass. That was difficult for me because daily mass is part of who I am. Missing daily mass also impacted the way in which I was praying and how I was relating to and talking with God. I didn’t pray morning prayer. I didn’t pray my normal rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. In fact, it didn’t seem like I was praying at all. But I was, it was just different. I experienced a profound peace that I never expected to find through all of this. I could sense God’s presence and Christ’s peace even though life had changed, even though there was uncertainty. I wasn’t feeling fear, or pain, or anger, or frustration or any of those things. If I am experiencing anything, it is guilt because of how well I actually feel.
I guess I feel guilty because I know others who have endured cancer, the surgeries, the radiation, the chemotherapy, the exhaustion, the pain, the stress, the depression, and everything else that goes along with it and I really haven’t experienced a lot of that. What I have experienced has not been that severe. I feel guilty for being concerned about not being able to cook for my family or being able to workout at my normal level of intensity (I am allowed to walk and use the elliptical- no arms). That is just selfish. I feel guilty because there are people who are battling cancer who have to deal with the pain and sickness associated with radiation and chemotherapy, and I don’t. I dodged a bullet with that one.
I have to go through reconstructive surgery, a process that is uncomfortable but bearable. I have to have some follow-up visits with my doctors for the next several weeks. I have to take some anti-cancer meds for next ten years. And I get a little tired. What do I really have to complain about, maybe that’s why I feel guilty? Maybe I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and I know I don’t deserve it.
While most days it doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my life has changed, I know that a lot has. And I have the scars (and the medical bills) to prove it. The scars, they are what remind me every day of the blessings.
I was texting with a friend the other day who asked how I was doing. I responded that I feel fantastic and that all of this has been a strange blessing. That’s when it struck me, this really has been a strange blessing. Most people think I am crazy when I say that breast cancer has been a blessing. But it really has been. I can’t explain it, but I marvel at it. I can’t figure out why I have been so fortunate when others have had to endure so much more. Why I have been blessed with such kindness, heartfelt compassion, love and friendship. I could sit and ask why did God give me cancer, but what God did through cancer was bless me abundantly in so many ways. I am just waiting to see what else He has in store for me throughout this journey, because I am pretty sure it is going to be something amazing. So yes, this cancer is a strange blessing, but it is a blessing, an amazing blessing, none the less.
So today, look for the strange blessings within your life, if you really take time, I am sure you will find several, and please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.
I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!
It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.
It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.
It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.
I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).
I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.
And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.
And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.
Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.
Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 