#support – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Suffering and Blessings

Today marks the celebration of my one-month sabbatical. I have been separated from employment for four weeks. We will leave it at that. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Your employment relationship is just like any other relationship. And some relationships just don’t work out. I am fortunate to find out early in this relationship that it wasn’t meant to be.

Surprisingly, this separation has been quite peaceful. I have spent the days hiking, backpacking, fishing, kayaking, cooking, baking, tending my garden, walking my dogs, praying, attending morning mass a few times a week, and having great adventures with my husband. Surprisingly, my blood pressure is down, and my sleep has drastically improved. I could have looked at this change as a curse, a cause of suffering because, let’s be honest, I am unemployed. Unemployment is not something that people celebrate. It is not something that you proudly announce.

However, in morning mass last Monday morning, Fr. Dan, a visiting priest, gave a great homily about suffering and blessings. I could not help but reflect on my current situation. I could look at this unemployment from a negative perspective and call it suffering. But if I am being honest, I had been praying for some kind of change in my circumstance before this happened.

Catholic Daily Reading – Monday June 12, 2023

Readings from Monday’s mass

While I thought I was happy and fulfilled at work, I really wasn’t. I mean, I really appreciated my staff, and we had a great working relationship, but beyond that, things were challenging. I was working 40 hours in the office, as well as averaging an additional 5-8 hours per week working from home answering phone calls and responding to emails, text messages, and group chats. And that did not include the extra stuff, events, late meetings, conference calls, etc. The work/life balance was not there. And this is what I was praying about; I had been praying for a change. I just did not know what that change would be.

Sometimes suffering and blessing can be the same thing. — Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

God certainly does answer prayers in his own way. His way of answering my prayer was by changing my circumstance. When you put things into God’s hands, you are often times surprised by how He responds. I went from a 50+ hour work week to complete free time, or complete freedom as I like to look at it. I did not know that’s how my prayer would be answered.

Yes, I have some concerns about where I am going next, but I am not in any rush to get there. I really have decided to turn everything over to God and let Him truly direct my path. Fortunately, I am able to do this because my husband is entirely supportive of taking this journey in this manner and walking this road with me. Funny how God provides exactly what you need when you need it.

This employment separation is truly a blessing, not suffering. It has truly been an answer to my prayers. The most ironic thing, (as I alluded to earlier) is that I have been happier, healthier, and sleeping so much better since we went our separate ways.

So today, share your concerns with God. Turn everything over to Him. I can guarantee you will be surprised by how He responds. And if you trust Him, He will lead you somewhere beautiful. So today, please pray for me, particularly to have patience and trust God’s plan for my life, and I will continue to pray for you.

Suffering

Remembering my Dad on his Birthday and realizing that you are never suffering alone.

Today is my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 91 years old. He passed away on March 2, 2018. At the time of his death, he had suffered a lot. Earlier that year he fell and broke his hip. He was in the hospital for an extended period of time for surgery and rehabilitation. He was making progress in his recovery.

My Dad on his 85th Birthday. He would be 91 today.

Eventually, they transferred him to a skilled care facility for rehab. He wasn’t there very long. While in skilled care, he developed respiratory issues along with the flu. On Valentine’s Day, they rushed him to the hospital because he was having such difficulty breathing. They kept him in the ER for an inordinately long period of time. Once they finally admitted him, he had to be intubated. He really just went downhill from there.

The view from my Dad’s hospital room in January 2019

But my Dad was stubborn. (I’m a lot like him in this regard). He held on for over two weeks. I visited him daily. Most of the time he was unconscious. But in those few months when he would “wake up”, which wasn’t often, he would simply say, “I just want to go home.” That’s all he really wanted in the end was to be in his home, but that never happened for my Dad.

He died in the early morning hours of March 2, 2018. Thinking about him today and his suffering and listening to the podcast released today that my friends have, called KnowHis.love, which talked about entering the passion of Christ, I could not help but think about how people deal with suffering.

Everyone experiences suffering and each person has different ways of dealing with distress. For me, it was extremely difficult to watch my father suffer and not be able to do anything about it. It was difficult too to know that his suffering pained others because they experienced the very same things that I was experiencing, particularly helplessness.

Me and my Dad when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old.

While we had a wonderful support system during my father’s illness, friends, family, coworkers, pastors, and religious sisters, who were all praying for us. It was still a time of trouble and uncertainty. It was difficult to see my father who had always been so big and strong, lying in a bed so weak and vulnerable. He was always my defender, my protector, once going so far as to confront a teacher who accused me of cheating when I had not. I was in seventh or eighth grade at the time. And as a young adult (I was 19), I think he seriously considered tracking down a young man who had broken my heart. I’m glad he didn’t as I am sure there would have been repercussions and all things happen for a reason.

My wedding day. One of the happiest days for both of us.

During his hospitalization which started in early January, he had lost a significant amount of weight. He was frail and, near the end he hallucinated a lot. He would shout out from his unconsciousness for a brief moment and then slip right back into silence. I will admit some things were humorous, like yelling about hotdogs that didn’t have mustard on them (my Dad loved mustard on his hotdogs). And some things helped me realize that he was ready to go home. Not home like he had talked about, but home to God and to his family that had gone before him. He would have one-sided conversations with people who had passed long ago. One of those conversations, I was convinced, was with my grandmother who died before I was born. I knew then that he was not going to recover. I knew then that rather than pray for his recovery I should pray for a peaceful death. That is a hard transition to make as a child, no matter how old you are.

My Dad and my Grandmother. My son looks so much like my Dad in this picture.

But going back to my friends’ podcast, they discussed how to unite your suffering with Christ. And that made me realize that every time I had to endure suffering, Christ walked through that suffering with me. At the time, it was likely unbeknownst to me because I was so consumed with what I was dealing with, how I would process it, and what would come of it. But through all of it, Jesus was right there with me. He sent his angels to minister to me in the form of friends who would sit with me at my father’s bedside, including my son’s friend who came and prayed with us that first night he was admitted to the hospital. He sent angels in the form of priests who came to visit, pray over, and administer last rites. He sent the religious sisters to comfort and pray with me when I needed it most. Jesus was present to me through all of those people, but he was also present to me when I drove, in a daze, to the hospital on those gray winter mornings and when I needed the strength to be strong for others who were just as troubled as I was. Jesus was there with me in my pain, in my suffering, walking with me when I didn’t quite understand.

I am certain there some parts of my life that I would not have been able to get through without Him. He was with me as my father died, he was with me as I fought breast cancer, and he has been with me through numerous other struggles. What I have realized is that Jesus is with us through everything, even when we sometimes can’t feel His presence. He is there.

So as we begin this Holy Week, think about how Jesus has been present to you during your times of struggle. It might be difficult to find at first, but when you begin from a place of gratitude it is easy to see where God has been so very present in your life.

And if you are suffering right now, unite your suffering with Jesus, and let Him walk with you and take some of that burden from you. He will do that if you allow Him, if you invite Him into your suffering. I know this to be true because I have been there, so invite Him in. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

It's Not What You're Losing, It Is What You Gain In The Process

Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?” I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick. I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic. I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great! In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.

But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.

When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.

But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.

I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.

I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool. At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful.

The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun

I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.

I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out. We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me.

I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf.

It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one. I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery.

We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Plot Twist

I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!

It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.

It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.

It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.

I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).

I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.

And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.

And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.

Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.

Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.