Tag: #illness

Suffering

Remembering my Dad on his Birthday and realizing that you are never suffering alone.

Today is my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 91 years old. He passed away on March 2, 2018. At the time of his death, he had suffered a lot. Earlier that year he fell and broke his hip. He was in the hospital for an extended period of time for surgery and rehabilitation. He was making progress in his recovery.

My Dad on his 85th Birthday. He would be 91 today.

Eventually, they transferred him to a skilled care facility for rehab. He wasn’t there very long. While in skilled care, he developed respiratory issues along with the flu. On Valentine’s Day, they rushed him to the hospital because he was having such difficulty breathing. They kept him in the ER for an inordinately long period of time. Once they finally admitted him, he had to be intubated. He really just went downhill from there.

The view from my Dad’s hospital room in January 2019

But my Dad was stubborn. (I’m a lot like him in this regard). He held on for over two weeks. I visited him daily. Most of the time he was unconscious. But in those few months when he would “wake up”, which wasn’t often, he would simply say, “I just want to go home.” That’s all he really wanted in the end was to be in his home, but that never happened for my Dad.

He died in the early morning hours of March 2, 2018. Thinking about him today and his suffering and listening to the podcast released today that my friends have, called KnowHis.love, which talked about entering the passion of Christ, I could not help but think about how people deal with suffering.

Everyone experiences suffering and each person has different ways of dealing with distress. For me, it was extremely difficult to watch my father suffer and not be able to do anything about it. It was difficult too to know that his suffering pained others because they experienced the very same things that I was experiencing, particularly helplessness.

Me and my Dad when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old.

While we had a wonderful support system during my father’s illness, friends, family, coworkers, pastors, and religious sisters, who were all praying for us. It was still a time of trouble and uncertainty. It was difficult to see my father who had always been so big and strong, lying in a bed so weak and vulnerable. He was always my defender, my protector, once going so far as to confront a teacher who accused me of cheating when I had not. I was in seventh or eighth grade at the time. And as a young adult (I was 19), I think he seriously considered tracking down a young man who had broken my heart. I’m glad he didn’t as I am sure there would have been repercussions and all things happen for a reason.

My wedding day. One of the happiest days for both of us.

During his hospitalization which started in early January, he had lost a significant amount of weight. He was frail and, near the end he hallucinated a lot. He would shout out from his unconsciousness for a brief moment and then slip right back into silence. I will admit some things were humorous, like yelling about hotdogs that didn’t have mustard on them (my Dad loved mustard on his hotdogs). And some things helped me realize that he was ready to go home. Not home like he had talked about, but home to God and to his family that had gone before him. He would have one-sided conversations with people who had passed long ago. One of those conversations, I was convinced, was with my grandmother who died before I was born. I knew then that he was not going to recover. I knew then that rather than pray for his recovery I should pray for a peaceful death. That is a hard transition to make as a child, no matter how old you are.

My Dad and my Grandmother. My son looks so much like my Dad in this picture.

But going back to my friends’ podcast, they discussed how to unite your suffering with Christ. And that made me realize that every time I had to endure suffering, Christ walked through that suffering with me. At the time, it was likely unbeknownst to me because I was so consumed with what I was dealing with, how I would process it, and what would come of it. But through all of it, Jesus was right there with me. He sent his angels to minister to me in the form of friends who would sit with me at my father’s bedside, including my son’s friend who came and prayed with us that first night he was admitted to the hospital. He sent angels in the form of priests who came to visit, pray over, and administer last rites. He sent the religious sisters to comfort and pray with me when I needed it most. Jesus was present to me through all of those people, but he was also present to me when I drove, in a daze, to the hospital on those gray winter mornings and when I needed the strength to be strong for others who were just as troubled as I was. Jesus was there with me in my pain, in my suffering, walking with me when I didn’t quite understand.

He is always with me.

I am certain there some parts of my life that I would not have been able to get through without Him. He was with me as my father died, he was with me as I fought breast cancer, and he has been with me through numerous other struggles. What I have realized is that Jesus is with us through everything, even when we sometimes can’t feel His presence. He is there.

So as we begin this Holy Week, think about how Jesus has been present to you during your times of struggle. It might be difficult to find at first, but when you begin from a place of gratitude it is easy to see where God has been so very present in your life.

And if you are suffering right now, unite your suffering with Jesus, and let Him walk with you and take some of that burden from you. He will do that if you allow Him, if you invite Him into your suffering. I know this to be true because I have been there, so invite Him in. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Cancer as a Blessing

The past few weeks have been a whirl wind of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, tests, meetings with medical professionals, paperwork, questionnaires, insurance inquiries, etc.  It has been quite overwhelming but it has also been extremely blessed. 

It is funny how a cancer diagnosis changes things.  I realize that is a gross understatement, and I am sure most people immediately think that it changes things in a negative way.  And while the initial diagnosis threw me for a loop and caused me to immediately focus on all of the things I had not yet done, all of the things still I wanted to do and on my family and how this was going to impact them, as the reality set in, so did the blessings. 

You see this year has been an intense series of ups and downs in my life.  A number of things have occurred which I had not been expecting and they have been peppered in throughout the entire year.  The year began with some really bad colds, which progressed into some other health concerns.  That was just the beginning.  Then I lost my job, wasn’t able to collect unemployment, and wasn’t really sure if I wanted to continue on my current career path. 

Cue the most supportive husband in the world.  He stepped up, taking on more consulting work, so that I could figure my stuff out.  He even encouraged me to consider some other options, asking “what would you do if you could anything you wanted?”  I could not answer that question. 

I have done fundraising and advancement work for over 20 years.  While it definitely has it challenges and can be draining, it is incredibly rewarding.  I love meeting people and hearing their stories, learning what they are passionate about, and building meaningful relationships.  I have gained so many friends through my work, I cannot imagine doing anything else.  And these are friendships that have continued even after the jobs have ended.  So when the opportunity came for me to return to my alma mater to lead their advancement efforts, I accepted the challenge. 

When I lost my job in May, I was sad, depressed and a little bitter.  I had truly loved that position and could not understand why God would take that joy from me.  I really didn’t get it and was really angry about the whole situation.  I had intended to retire from that position – that is how much I loved what I was doing and for whom I was working.  But God had other plans, other plans that I really didn’t understand until just a couple of weeks ago. 

I was offered my current position in June and began in July.  One of my first orders of business was to reconnect, re-engage and partner with our high school alumni.  So I made a phone call to a gentleman with whom my brother had graduated in an effort to plan a regional event and reach out to others.  That phone call resulted in connecting with others who would help plan the event. Eventually we had a dinner meeting to discuss options.  The reason I share all of this is that it is because of those interactions that I have formed new friendships (with my brother’s friends) that would not have otherwise occurred had it not been for losing my job and accepting my current position.

One of those friendships happens to be with a Nurse Practitioner with whom I shared my diagnosis.  After the initial diagnosis, I wasn’t able to get in to the Cleveland Clinic to get a second opinion, so I accepted that as a sign that I should just move forward with the initial plan of action for treatment.  When I shared my diagnosis with my friend, she encouraged me to get a second opinion.  And not just a second opinion but a second opinion from one of the leading cancer hospitals in the country, The James at OSU. I’ll admit that initially I was bit apprehensive.  I just wanted to trudge on through and take care of this “stuff” now.  But after much discussion with her and my husband, we decided that a second opinion was a good idea.  And had it not been for this new friendship, I would have never considered going to the The James nor would I have been able to schedule the appointments.  She did so much for me, and she probably doesn’t even realize it. 

This is why I say, God knew what He was doing back in April.  When I thought my life was completely unraveling, God was behind the scenes planning it all out.  I could go into great detail about how all of this unfolded to demonstrate just how God has worked through all of the things that I thought (at the time) were going to cause me to come undone.  About how the cancer was discovered, really through a fluke, about how friendships have grown out of this illness, about how people come into your life for a reason (and sometimes you might never know what that reason is), about how kindness spills out when you least expect it but need it the most, about each of the blessings that came from what I thought initially were curses.  There is so much I could share, but I won’t.  (That could actually become a book.) 

What I will tell you is that this cancer diagnosis, even with all of the still unknowns, has been a blessing.  A real blessing.  Who knew that it could be, I certainly didn’t think that before, but it really has been.  It has revealed to me all of the wonderful people in my life, it has shown me an incredible amount of love and kindness, it has formed new friendships and strengthen old relationships, it has taught me that I have everything I need, it has made me realize how much I actually take for granted and it has made me rely more on my faith and place my trust in God. 

In the first few days after my diagnosis, I was angry and depressed.  I couldn’t understand why God would now give me this.  I sat in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters Monastery and asked God what He wanted from me.  I remember getting this impression that He wanted everything.  I didn’t understand what that meant which made me more angry, because I felt like I had been giving Him everything I had.  But now I think I realize that He just wants me to trust Him, completely.  So I am working on that – complete trust in God. 

A lot of times I think that looks like not getting our way, not getting what we want, but there is always a greater plan.  God has a greater plan for each of us, are we open to His plan?  Today, be open to God’s plan for your life, even when it is dressed as a struggle and looks painful.  Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.