There is nothing I appreciate more than a hot shower. I know it sounds trivial. I often shower two or three times a day. This morning, after a strenuous workout, I was thoroughly looking forward to a long, hot shower to wash away all the sweat and fatigue. Only when I got into the shower, there was low water pressure. My husband had started a load of laundry before he went to work.
Low water pressure makes me crazy. I stood beneath the trickle of water coming from the showerhead, listening to my daily bible plan. However, I was missing the reflection because I was so focused on the lack of water pressure. Seriously, how am I supposed to shower with barely a drip? Then I paused for a moment, and I realized how fortunate I was to have running water, a drip, a trickle, a sprinkle, a burble, a stream, or a full-blown spray.
What I wanted my shower to be like…What my shower was actually like.
Right now, across our country, people are dealing with natural disasters, hurricanes, and flooding. People are without power, without running water, without homes. Many have lost everything, and some have lost loved ones. And I stood in the shower under a dribble of liquid, completely oblivious to the plight of others because of my good fortune. I was in my home, with electricity and running water, with food in my refrigerator and my loved ones safe and sound, with my dogs waiting patiently for me to exit the shower, with hot coffee ready, with the ability to wash laundry, and an opportunity to attend morning mass. What I realized is that I am cossetted.
Historic flooding in North Carolina in the wake of Hurricane Helene
I snapped back to reality when the washer had finished its cycle, and a forceful stream of hot water rushed over my head. And when I came back, I was grateful. I woke this morning in a warm and cozy bed, beneath clean sheets and a heavy quilted blanket. I packed my husband’s lunch and made myself coffee. I enjoyed a quiet morning of prayer, reading, and reflection. I was able to work out, kiss my husband goodbye as he departed for work, then shower, attend mass, visit my mother, and return home to work from my home office. Later today, I will walk my dogs, do some yard work, and make dinner. I will visit with my son, relax with my husband, and unwind before turning in for the night.
When I think of all the blessings, in this day alone, I am overwhelmed. And to think that I could have let low water pressure ruin it all. So today, pause and be thankful. Think of all the blessings this day holds and pray for those who are struggling right now.
God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. Find the good and give Him the glory. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.
Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.
My lovely slinged arm
I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.
Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended
If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.
Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.
My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa
This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.
I have been reading a lot.
I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.
We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.
My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.
So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.
Have you ever heard the maxim, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey? Or as T.S. Eliot indicated “The journey, Not the destination matters…” Well, I am not sure that is entirely accurate.
Our entire life is a journey, every single day. Each day, each hour, each minute, and each breath of our entire lives is part of our journey. And every person’s path is as unique and original as each individual. Nobody will have the same exact trek as you. Nobody. Just like nobody will have the exact same experiences or relationships as you will have throughout your life.
The journey is inevitably filled with ups and downs, peaks and valleys, highs and lows. There are seasons of drought and seasons of growth. There are challenges and successes, births and deaths, gains and losses. Your journey will take you to some beautiful places, it will also take you to some places that you might not want to go. But throughout this wonderful expedition called life, you will meet some amazing people who support you on this excursion. They will help you through those rough patches and maybe even light the way for you when there is darkness. They are the blessings that I referred to in my last entry. And they will celebrate with you, help you find joy, and provide aid when you need help.
My best friend from high school and I had an epic adventure on the AT last year. She is one of the blessings in my life.
The journey is significant. It is important to appreciate each day that you are given, to see the value of every opportunity that comes to you, to live in each and every moment, to seize the day, and to not wish your life away. It is our individual journeys that form us. It is the culmination of those experiences that make us exactly who we are. It is the influence of those relationships that help build us or break us.
So yes, the journey is critical. It is most definitely a truly beautiful thing. However, as Christians, the destination is really what matters in the end. Where, exactly, are we going? Are we living a life and following a path that will get us to our intended destination?
You see, we should all be striving for heaven, to spend eternity with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. That should be our goal, our end destination. Our earthly journey is just how we get there. Are we living lives that glorify God? Are we being a light, a blessing, to others? Are we exemplifying the love of Christ? Paul says in Ephesians 5:1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”
And if we take a look at Paul, he had quite an incredible journey, from a guy who persecuted Christians, to a man to preached the good news, shared the gospel, and died for Jesus Christ. If Paul can experience that kind of change, then there is definitely hope for me.
So today, enjoy the journey, with all of its beauty and pitfalls. And be a light and a blessing to those around you. But remember it is the final destination that really matters, so make sure you are on the right path. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
“I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.” – Genesis 12:2
You are blessed, abundantly, but do you feel blessed? Do you accept the blessings that God wants to bestow on you? Do you let those blessings flow through you to others?
In reading this morning, I was reminded that I am not simply blessed by God to be blessed; I am blessed by God for the sake of others, so that through God’s blessings, I may bless others. What that basically means is to pay it forward.
God blesses us each and every day, in immeasurable and uncountable ways. However, we don’t always accept those blessings. Oftentimes this is because we don’t recognize ourselves as worthy of all the goodness that God wants to share with us. We feel like we don’t deserve it. We feel like we are not good enough for God’s unconditional love. But it doesn’t matter if we believe we deserve it or not, God’s love and generosity know no limits. He wants to pour out his love upon us and bless us abundantly. He is simply that generous, that loving, of a Father.
One of the many blessings of New Year’s Day was making cannoli with my son
I know I regularly feel like I don’t deserve God’s blessings. I’m a sinner – big time, and I struggle a lot. I am certainly not worthy of the goodness God has given me. But there are also times that I fail to recognize the blessings in my life because sometimes those blessings look a lot like challenges and trials.
Cuddling with my dogs (3 of the 4 pictured here) is a daily blessing for me.
There have been blessings in my life that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t recognize as blessings until well after the moment had passed. These were times of pain and struggle, times of uncertainty and fear, and times of anger and sadness. From dealing with the deaths of friends and loved ones to battling cancer to testing relationships, I have experienced a number of events in the past few years alone that have been difficult. But each of those moments was wrapped up in God’s grace that helped me get through those times and come out stronger. Each of those experiences, each of those blessings, helped me learn and grow, and hopefully taught me how and allowed me to bless others in some way.
God’s grace has turned our challenges into blessings and strengthened our marriage
So today, accept all the blessings that God wants to give you, share them, and be a blessing to someone else. God has so much in store for you if you would just be open to accepting what He wants to give you, whether or not you feel you are worthy or deserving of his love.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” – Ephesians 2:8. This is the greatest blessing of all, eternal salvation, and God gives it freely to each of us through faith. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
What’s in it for me? Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.
This really started with going to Sunday mass. You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily. Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses. Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful.
Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest. I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass. But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience.
While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service. In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me. I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy. I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.
At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love. But, you know, sometimes change is good. So, we tried a different parish. And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious. There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life. Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it. Because I don’t want to be there. And that makes me feel guilty.
This is not a good feeling for me. Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored. But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry. I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service. So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while. He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.” And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear. I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable. That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass.
Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness. And that’s when the backslide began. So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”. And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us. We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him. So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life. Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me.
Tux the Cat stayed with me while I convalesced
So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others. And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I have taken the shelter in place/stay at home order pretty seriously since it was instituted in mid-March. I have to; I am now considered to be in one of those high-risk groups since I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.
I will admit, I was not too excited when the schools closed, then the restaurants were ordered to serve take-out only, then the hair salons were shut down along with all other businesses that are considered non-essential. T.J Maxx is one of my favorite places to which to escape and engage in a little retail therapy. I thought it was a bit ridiculous, too precautious, a little bit over the top. In my opinion, it was overkill. But as things progressed and the coronavirus continued to spread rapidly, I began to understand, heed the warnings, and take the recommended precautions.
I have been working from home since Monday March 16th. That was my last official day in the office. That was day I transferred my office at the high school to the dining room table in my home. It was also the same evening that we adopted a fourth dog – Bailey, a Staffordshire terrier puppy (we think) who was about 3 months old when we brought her home. My husband and I figured, since we both would be working from home for the next month, this would be the perfect time to add a new puppy to our pack.
Our Newest Addition – Bailey
That first week of the shelter in place order, I kind of took it seriously. I stayed home more, but still went to the store often, went into the office to pick up mail, etc. and even stopped to see my mom and show her my new puppy. Then there was a confirmed case in our county and things got real. I made it a point to stay home and avoid unnecessary contact with people. I began planning weekly meals so I could limit my grocery shopping to only once a week (or longer when possible). I began ordering more products on-line, including items for our pets and general necessities like laundry detergent and paper towels. The stay at home order took on a whole new meaning.
My coworker is distracting sometimes.
Staying healthy has become a bit of an obsession for me. I am preparing nutrient rich, vegetable heavy dinners, working out daily, and walking the dogs approximately 5 miles every day. While I hope I do not appear rude during those walks, I have been very conscious of social distancing and will not get close to my neighbors when we do have conversations. And I try to limit any face to face social discourse. I nearly had a panic attack when a neighbor walked into our yard to comment on the fence project my husband and son took on during the pandemic. He was just a little too close for me.
Greek chicken and roasted spring vegetables
I have rescheduled all doctor’s appointments and avoid the grocery store when I anticipate that it will be busy. I have taken advantage of the special shopping hours available for the elderly and those who are a higher risk. I never thought that would be the case, but it is. And if at any time I begin to feel even remotely ill, I tackle it head on. That usually means, hot tea, a good stiff shot, extra vitamin C, and more rest.
Overall, as a family, I think we have adjusted well to life during the pandemic. As I mentioned before, I am appreciating this slower pace, more time with family, the opportunities to connect with friends, the meaningful conversations, the chance to declutter a bit in all aspects of our lives.
More time for prayer
But today, today was the first day that I ventured out of the house and into the school in nearly four weeks. While I have been successfully working from home, there were a few things that I just could not accomplish remotely. I went in after virtual morning mass and arrived just before 9am. When I arrived, I found our Assistant Principal at work in her office. It was a bit surreal to be in the building on a weekday, during the school year, without any teachers or staff present. Actually, it was downright weird. We exchanged some pleasantries, from an acceptable social distance, then I set off to handle the tasks that I come in to complete.
It took about 2 hours to get my work done. About 1 hour into it, I took a break and walked down to the chapel. The door was open, the chancel candle was lit, the Missal was opened on the altar, and the lectionary was on the pulpit. Everything was in order as if we would be celebrating mass together that very day. But we were not. I went in and sat down. I had begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet with our chaplain and campus minister on Instagram, but when I got to the chapel, I lost the connection. So, I just sat in the chapel quietly with God for a while, said a silent prayer, then returned to my office to complete the tasks at hand.
Before I finished at the school, I spoke with our accounting clerk who came in to handle some financial matters. Our offices are adjacent, and she is kind enough to drop off materials weekly at my house that I need to do my job. Once I finished at the school, I left for the post office then I would return to my office at the dining room table to make some phone calls and send some emails.
When I left the post office, I had this incredible urge to stop at Holy Family Church, my home parish. I had not been in the church since the weekend before the stay at home order was executed. It felt good to be back. I was completely alone in the church, well just me and God. (While there are no public services, the Catholic Churches are still open to provide places of prayer and reflection for the faithful.)
Now, I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive for stopping. Our parish often has “The Word Among Us” publications available for the parishioners. I has hoping to pick up a copy as I like to follow along with the readings and Gospel during daily mass. I also enjoy the daily reflections and stories. The last publication ran through Easter Sunday. I walked in and checked the table where Monsignor normally places the booklets, but there were none there. I was not sure if there would be any booklets because of the strangeness of these times. I proceeded into the church, sat down, and read the daily reflections in the Laudate app on my phone and prayed for a while.
I got up to leave, grateful for that time in church. I did not realize just how much I missed it until I walked through the doors. As I was walking out, there on the very table that I had checked when I came in was one copy of the new “The Word Among Us”! Yes, it was a miracle. Yes, it was something that I needed, and God knew it. Yes, it was amazing. Yes, it took my breath away. As I picked it up, I thanked God for my little journey out into the real world today. I thanked Him for the work that I had to do, the tasks that I needed to complete at the school. I thanked Him for the few interactions that I had with coworkers and that time of quiet in the chapel. I thanked Him for my parish, my priests (all of them), and for that booklet that just appeared. I thanked Him for all of the blessings in my life, especially the ones that I never really noticed until I was forced to slow down, stay indoors, and shelter in place.
So today, be grateful for all the blessings, all of the little miracles, and remember to thank God. He really is there. And while you can never surprise Him, He just might surprise you when you least expect it. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I have been reading the book The Fifth Mountain, by Paul Coelho. There is a lot of wisdom packed into this book. A passage that I read last night struck me: “A child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.” I read it before bed and pondered it as I fell asleep. Each time I woke in the middle of the night, I contemplated it even more.
Now some people might not fully understand this or appreciate this, but I am a dog person. Full blown dog person. We have rescued 4 dogs in the past six years, two of those dogs in the past 3 months. I have a t-shirt that reads “Dog Mom” (although I also have a 30-year-old son and an 18-year-old son). I have a mug that reads “I love dogs. It’s people that annoy me.” And I spend most of my free time with my pack. The two youngest dogs (Charlie and Bailey) sleep with my husband and me every night. I let them lick my face and crawl in my lap. Even Ruby, our largest dog at 55lbs, thinks she is lap dog. I will even share my beverages with them. I would rather drink after my dog than drink after another person (my husband and sons are the exception). They can get me muddy and I love to wrestle and cuddle them. When they get sick, I don’t become nearly a queasy (but I still don’t handle it all that well) as I do when a human in my house has the same problem. Therefore, I relate most things to my dogs and not to people.
Sleeping dogs…
When I read that passage, I immediately thought of my dogs. I know most people would reflect on children, not me. I’m not great with kids, nor do I really relate to them even though I have experience in raising them and being around them. But dogs – my dogs – have taught me the same things, especially in these uncertain times.
The events of the past few weeks have not phased them. They have adjusted quite well to the new normal of having humans with them all the time. They have found joy in spending time with their people, going for more walks than normal, getting bathed more frequently (thanks to the torrential rains and resulting mud we have experienced this past week), watching movies (I thought the dogs needed to see Bolt), and just generally living their best lives. They are the epitome of happiness. I am pretty sure the shelter in place order is their idea of paradise. They love their people, love being with their people, never tire of their people, and are just generally appreciative of spending time with their people, no mater the situation. Right there is a huge lesson we can learn from dogs – Appreciate the people in your lives.
My dogs are always busy with something, even if its sleeping. They pack a lot into their days and help us pack a lot into ours as we all learn to navigate this new normal. The daily walks not only keep them busy and active, but also help us fill in our time and get some exercise and fresh air. They get us outside to play ball in the yard. When indoors they wrestle, play tug of war, and even keep the cats on their toes by playing with them (a combination of wrestling, tag and hide and seek). They spend hours chewing, working on deer antlers or Nyla-bones. But best of all, they know when their people need them. When we need a break from the stress that inevitably sneaks into our days because of the strangeness that COVID-19 has brought into our lives; they nudge us for an ear rub, lay on our feet, lick our faces, or put their paws into our laps letting us know that everything will be ok – eventually.
The dogs lying on my feet.
Lastly, the dogs make no bones about (no pun intended) letting us know exactly what they want or need. They each tell us when they need to go out. Eve (our oldest dog) has an internal alarm that lets her know when it is dinner time and when its time for her bed to made up for the evening (that’s another story). She proceeds to announce those times to our household daily. Ruby will let us know when she doesn’t have to go out and when she just wants to sleep. And she snores like a drunken sailor. She will reluctantly join the pack in regular outings only because she knows eventually, she will be forced to. Charlie tells us when he wants to play fetch and tug of war by bringing us toys. He’s like a little energizer bunny. Bailey lets us know when she needs some cuddles by putting her paws on your leg until you pick her up. If you are standing up, she will sit between your feet until she has your attention. And if we haven’t given them enough attention or spent enough time with them, they let us know by singing the song of their people or by just generally being persistent with nudges, playful growls, and happy barks. When all else fails, they climb – uninvited – into our laps.
I can’t help but think that maybe this is what God is doing right now. Trying to get our attention. Trying to get us to slow down and return our focus to Him. Trying to get us to re-order our priorities. Many people have kicked Him out, haven’t made room or time for Him. I think maybe He is trying desperately to get back into our lives.
As odd as it sounds, there have been so many blessings in the midst of this chaos. While I cannot attend daily mass like I normally would, I have been attending virtually with Fr. Michael Gossett. He has celebrated mass everyday for the students, parents, faculty and staff of the Steubenville Catholic Schools (and anyone who wishes to attend). That is a blessing in and of itself. The bigger blessing is that my husband has been participating with me. I have actually gotten to spend time with my 18-year-old son. We have had dinner together nightly as a family. We have also had movie night and a family Atari tournament. We are talking more, reading more, praying more. We are checking in more often on family and friends, and we are spending less time on the superficial meaningless things that have filled our lives. Those are real, tangible blessings.
Spicy Asian Chicken Lettuce Wraps for dinner
So today, lets learn from dogs how to be happy and how to stay busy within in all the turmoil. And especially today, let’s give God the praise and the attention that He deserves. Look for the blessings buried within the chaos and the confusion. I promise you; they are there, and they are abundant. Please continue to pray for all of those on the frontlines and in the trenches as we continue to battle the coronavirus pandemic as a community. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?” I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick. I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic. I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great! In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.
But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.
When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.
But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.
I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.
I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool. At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful.
The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun
I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.
I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out. We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me.
I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf.
It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one. I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery.
We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
2019 was a tumultuous year for our family, to say the least. From beginning the year with inconvenient illnesses and injuries (colds, flu, bronchitis, and broken bones), to a change of college and career plans for my son (his school of choice filed for financial exigency), to losing my job, my husband taking on more consulting work, and me taking on a new position and at the same time starting a new consulting business in the middle of the year, to finding out at the end of 2019 that I have breast cancer; it has been a wild, crazy and sometimes chaotic ride. But within the chaos, God frequently made His presence known.
When I was working for the Franciscan Sisters, TOR I had once asked the reverend mother if she believed in coincidence or if everything happened for a reason. She told me that she believed that everything happened for a reason. I have to admit, at that time, I was skeptical that this could be true. I mean, really, EVERYTHING happens for a reason? I didn’t fully believe it. I thought there was a lot of room for coincidence.
6:30am moon at the Steubenville Catholic Schools
Chance really had to play a role in the way the way life played out and the way that things occurred, right? I thought it did, I believed that the way things were happening were coincidental, and that there was no rhyme or reason to the way life unfolded. To me, life was a meaningless game of chance – for the most part.
Then I began to realize that everything was happening for a reason, that this was God’s perfect design. There were blessings hidden within all of the chaos, if I just took time to look for them. At the time each of these events occurred, they seemed like a tragedy or a curse. But in retrospect, they were blessings in disguise.
The college my son wanted to attend filing for financial exigency resulted in him finding a school that was actually a better fit for his learning style and was substantially more affordable. The changes in my employment situation opened other doors, provided new avenues for expansion for both me and my husband’s businesses. Those changes also introduced me to new people, new friends, and reconnected me with old friends, who would be influential in my journey during 2019. The unexplained illnesses I was experiencing in the beginning of the year eventually led to an early cancer diagnosis. EARLY DIAGNOSIS. Each of those things that seemed so bleak when they were transpiring held profound beauty that I just couldn’t see at that time.
An evening with old friends – Mr. and Mrs. Claus.
Jon Bon Jovi once said that, “Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.” This is so very true. All of those things that tried my patience, shook my faith, and toyed with my sanity were blessings. They were miracles. I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometime you don’t even realize what is happening is a miracle until well after the miracle has occurred.
Ruby and Charlie Boy
And then there was Charlie Boy. And yes, Charlie Boy is a blessing. Or miracle, however you want to look at it. I needed him and he arrived at just the right time. Just like the change in my son’s plans for school and a career. Just like the loss of my job, the establishment of my own consulting business and the growth in my husband’s consulting company. Just like finding a new job. And just like being diagnosed with breast cancer.
Charlie Boy – my therapy dog, my miracle – with all of toys by the fire
All of it, even the cancer is a blessing. It has happened for a reason. It is not a curse, or a scourge, or even a misfortune. Yes, it is a challenge, but great things are born of challenge. I know great things will be born of this, because God wastes nothing.
So today, look at your struggles, your challenges, your trials with fresh eyes and find the miracles buried beneath the chaos. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
The past few weeks have been a whirl wind of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, tests, meetings with medical professionals, paperwork, questionnaires, insurance inquiries, etc. It has been quite overwhelming but it has also been extremely blessed.
It is funny how a cancer diagnosis changes things. I realize that is a gross understatement, and I am sure most people immediately think that it changes things in a negative way. And while the initial diagnosis threw me for a loop and caused me to immediately focus on all of the things I had not yet done, all of the things still I wanted to do and on my family and how this was going to impact them, as the reality set in, so did the blessings.
You see this year has been an intense series of ups and downs in my life. A number of things have occurred which I had not been expecting and they have been peppered in throughout the entire year. The year began with some really bad colds, which progressed into some other health concerns. That was just the beginning. Then I lost my job, wasn’t able to collect unemployment, and wasn’t really sure if I wanted to continue on my current career path.
Cue the most supportive husband in the world. He stepped up, taking on more consulting work, so that I could figure my stuff out. He even encouraged me to consider some other options, asking “what would you do if you could anything you wanted?” I could not answer that question.
I have done fundraising and advancement work for over 20 years. While it definitely has it challenges and can be draining, it is incredibly rewarding. I love meeting people and hearing their stories, learning what they are passionate about, and building meaningful relationships. I have gained so many friends through my work, I cannot imagine doing anything else. And these are friendships that have continued even after the jobs have ended. So when the opportunity came for me to return to my alma mater to lead their advancement efforts, I accepted the challenge.
When I lost my job in May, I was sad, depressed and a little bitter. I had truly loved that position and could not understand why God would take that joy from me. I really didn’t get it and was really angry about the whole situation. I had intended to retire from that position – that is how much I loved what I was doing and for whom I was working. But God had other plans, other plans that I really didn’t understand until just a couple of weeks ago.
I was offered my current position in June and began in July. One of my first orders of business was to reconnect, re-engage and partner with our high school alumni. So I made a phone call to a gentleman with whom my brother had graduated in an effort to plan a regional event and reach out to others. That phone call resulted in connecting with others who would help plan the event. Eventually we had a dinner meeting to discuss options. The reason I share all of this is that it is because of those interactions that I have formed new friendships (with my brother’s friends) that would not have otherwise occurred had it not been for losing my job and accepting my current position.
One of those friendships happens to be with a Nurse Practitioner with whom I shared my diagnosis. After the initial diagnosis, I wasn’t able to get in to the Cleveland Clinic to get a second opinion, so I accepted that as a sign that I should just move forward with the initial plan of action for treatment. When I shared my diagnosis with my friend, she encouraged me to get a second opinion. And not just a second opinion but a second opinion from one of the leading cancer hospitals in the country, The James at OSU. I’ll admit that initially I was bit apprehensive. I just wanted to trudge on through and take care of this “stuff” now. But after much discussion with her and my husband, we decided that a second opinion was a good idea. And had it not been for this new friendship, I would have never considered going to the The James nor would I have been able to schedule the appointments. She did so much for me, and she probably doesn’t even realize it.
This is why I say, God knew what He was doing back in April. When I thought my life was completely unraveling, God was behind the scenes planning it all out. I could go into great detail about how all of this unfolded to demonstrate just how God has worked through all of the things that I thought (at the time) were going to cause me to come undone. About how the cancer was discovered, really through a fluke, about how friendships have grown out of this illness, about how people come into your life for a reason (and sometimes you might never know what that reason is), about how kindness spills out when you least expect it but need it the most, about each of the blessings that came from what I thought initially were curses. There is so much I could share, but I won’t. (That could actually become a book.)
What I will tell you is that this cancer diagnosis, even with all of the still unknowns, has been a blessing. A real blessing. Who knew that it could be, I certainly didn’t think that before, but it really has been. It has revealed to me all of the wonderful people in my life, it has shown me an incredible amount of love and kindness, it has formed new friendships and strengthen old relationships, it has taught me that I have everything I need, it has made me realize how much I actually take for granted and it has made me rely more on my faith and place my trust in God.
In the first few days after my diagnosis, I was angry and depressed. I couldn’t understand why God would now give me this. I sat in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters Monastery and asked God what He wanted from me. I remember getting this impression that He wanted everything. I didn’t understand what that meant which made me more angry, because I felt like I had been giving Him everything I had. But now I think I realize that He just wants me to trust Him, completely. So I am working on that – complete trust in God.
A lot of times I think that looks like not getting our way, not getting what we want, but there is always a greater plan. God has a greater plan for each of us, are we open to His plan? Today, be open to God’s plan for your life, even when it is dressed as a struggle and looks painful. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 