Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?” I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick. I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic. I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great! In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.
But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.
When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.
But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.
I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.
I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool. At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful.
I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.
I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out. We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me.
I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf.
It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one. I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery.
We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 