Last Sunday, May 24th, was Pentecost Sunday. There was a Mass at The Father of Mercy Chapel, which is located at Our Lady of Sorrows Monastery in Toronto, OH. Celebrating Mass with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR is always a special event.
If I am being honest, Mass in general has been quite a challenge for me lately. I mean, I haven’t been getting a whole lot out of it. I am distracted, distant, and most of the time, annoyed – annoyed that another person has decided to sit next to me when there are plenty of open pews with no other attendees in any of those pews, annoyed by the families who allow their children to run through the church like it’s a playground, annoyed by the couple talking too loudly throughout the entire service, annoyed that the homily has gone in so many directions that I am now lost and have completely lost focus. To sum it up, I am simply annoyed when it comes to Sunday Mass. And that is not a good thing, but it is a human thing.
That annoyance has caused some serious introspection, particularly after the homily on Pentecost Sunday. While the homily did run the gamut for themes, ideas, and synopsis, I admittedly did get lost and irritated. But there was a profound statement that the homilist made about “pouring out”.
Pentecost is a time of “pouring out”, a pouring out of the Holy Spirit. Pentecost commemorates the day the Holy Spirit was poured out on the believers in a powerful, visible way, as tongues of fire. As described in Acts 2:1–4: a sound like a mighty wind filled the house, tongues of fire rested on each disciple, and they were filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in other tongues. And while the homily focused (at least initially) on this pouring out of the Holy Spirit, I was focused on a different pouring out, which has nothing to do with beer or bourbon.
The pouring out I visualized had to do with an emptying of self, pouring out all that is negative, destructive, cruel, manipulative, deceptive…fill in the blank with anything that is basically harmful. I felt like I was being told to pour out all the things that were weighing me down. Things like guilt, worry, resentment, bitterness, anger, and fear. This was a pouring out that I think I needed, to pour out those damaging thoughts and feelings that I think most of us tend to hold onto, that conversation that didn’t go as planned, that friend who turned out not to really be your friend, that job you wanted, that reaction you were expecting that didn’t come, etc. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to empty myself first, by pouring out those detrimental things to make room for all that He had in store for me. I had to be “empty” to make space for what God wants to pour out into me, which includes those fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I had to get rid of the bad to make room for the good.
I have realized that emptying negativity is a daily practice. You have to make space for joy. You have to make space for God. So what are you going to pour out today? Are you willing to make room for something better?
Some of the things we made room for last month
So today, let go of the negativity, make room for joy, and let the Holy Spirit pour out upon you. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
My husband and I attended Sunday Mass at Our Lady of Sorrows Monastery this past Sunday. It is the home of the Franciscan Sisters, TOR. They do not always have a Sunday mass as they do not have a resident priest. Whenever there is a Sunday service, we try to attend. The Father of Mercy Chapel is a beautifully peaceful place, the sisters are very talented musicians, and we always feel welcomed and rested when we are there.
They have had a Sunday mass for the last two weeks, and we have been in attendance at both. Each week, there has been a beautiful family in attending. They have 6 children ranging from teenagers to toddlers. They are an inspiring example of love and a witness to the importance of families and faith.
Fr. Tim Shannon was the celebrant at last week’s Mass. I always love his homilies because he shares a story about his life, growing up in northern Ohio, and makes you feel like you are there in that moment with him. Last week, he spoke about the shepherd and the sheep, how the sheep know the shepherd, and how the sheep trust and feel safe with the shepherd. And he tied that directly to his life and experience growing up. It was a beautiful sermon, and Fr. Tim is a wonderful storyteller.
As Father was preaching, the family in the pew ahead of us settled in to listen to his words. The youngest child, who is probably not more than 3 years old, climbed up into his father’s lap. He wrapped his arms around his dad’s neck and lay his little blonde head on his dad’s shoulder. He was quiet and still, nuzzling his face into his father’s neck as his eyes grew heavy. He then fell asleep on his father’s chest. His little arms went limp as he drifted into a deep slumber. He stayed peacefully asleep for the remainder of the Mass, completely oblivious to everything and everyone else around him.
That is what real rest looks like. Knowing that peace, being that comfortable, and having the security of a father’s love, wow! Nothing disturbed him, not movement, not touch, not singing, nothing. He was still, quiet, completely surrendered because he knew he was safe. He knew he was loved. He knew his dad would protect him, take care of him, not let anything happen to him. (Kind of like the sheep and shepherd). He knew he could rest because he trusted and knew the love of a father. Just watching him sleep gave me a peace that seemed surreal.
But it also made me realize that we can have that too. If we want it. God, our heavenly Father, wants to give that to us, but we won’t ask for it. Maybe it’s because we don’t think we deserve it, or we think we can handle everything on our own. Or maybe it’s because we don’t believe that this kind of rest is possible. And it’s not just the physical rest, that break from the craziness of your life, that brief moment of relaxation, or that nap on a Sunday afternoon while it rains. It’s the spiritual rest that dispels confusion, removes worry, eliminates fear, and alleviates stress. Resting in the Lord, spiritual rest, leads to physical rest. Spiritual rest leads to emotional rest. It brings joy and peace, and contentment. It removes fear and doubt, and worry.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28
So today, be like the little boy in church, and surrender to the kind of rest that only God can provide. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.
John Bender from the Breakfast Club
Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.
Fr. John Bender
How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.
This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.
Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.
I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.
My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.
So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.
For the past few days I have been reflecting on the activities of the summer. We are quickly approaching the beginning of a new school year and we are on the cusp of autumn (my favorite season). I have been contemplating quite a bit about how I was going to approach this piece. How I have spent the summer of 2022 has been met with wonder, amazement, respect, curiosity, and maybe some resentment and bitterness. Some might call my summer selfish. I would call my summer self-care.
Thomspon Ledges – a day hike
This summer I spent a lot of time in the woods. It began with a section hike of the Appalachian Trail in early June with my best friend from childhood. This was an adventure a lot of people did not understand. Who would willingly carry 40 pounds of supplies on their back, sleep in a coffin-like tent (I used a solo bivy tent on the AT), eat dehydrated meals, wear the same clothes every day, not be able to shower for days on end, and have to filter stream water just to have something to drink? I would. And as it turns out, I enjoyed it more than I would have ever imagined.
The first vista we encountered on the AT – some where in Maryland.
I have always liked hiking. But my hikes were limited to day hikes. Most of the hikes were between 4-6 miles. Some were longer. But after each hike, I came home and took a shower. I’m the kind of girl who showers daily. And when I say daily, I mean two and three times a day. So the not showering part was my greatest concern approaching the AT adventure. But surprisingly, it was not a challenge at all. Once I realized I didn’t care as much about the daily shower as I thought I would, I jumped in fully to the backpacking thing.
This summer alone I have backpacked part of the AT. When I returned from that trip, my husband and I began our backpacking adventures, most of which include our dogs. We started off with an overnight at Zaleski State Forest about a week after I returned from the AT. That was our first adventure with two of our dogs (the littles). It was challenging because we did not realize that the area had experienced microbursts just days earlier. There were a number of downed trees and debris covered large portions of the trail. At one point, I had to lift Charlie over a tree because it was far too large for him to jump over and there was no clearance for climbing under. And yes, I speak to him like he is human, talking him through the lift and telling him that I would pick him up on three…then I proceeded to count it out…1, 2, 3. Don’t laugh, we have an understanding and my relationship with him is better than most of my relationships with humans.
From there we moved on to a challenging route at Quebec Run Wild Area. We left the dogs home for this 11.5 mile loop because we were not sure just how “challenging” this trail would be. The struggle was real, with some steep inclines, but the area was beautiful, silent, and still. We saw only one other hiker and spent a very quiet evening camped by a creek about 9 miles in. We did hear elk in the distance late at night. It was quite a profound experience. And Quebec Run quickly became one of my favorite places.
After that, we decided to explore the Allegheny National Forest and did the Morrison Trail Loop. This 13-mile loop had a campground about halfway into the hike that was situated on a beautiful lake. The only way to the campground was on foot or by boat. We brought the littles on this hike and arrived at the campground around 4 o’clock in the afternoon. We set up camp right on the water’s edge. There were two other campers (boaters) dispersed throughout the area and lots of signs warning us about black bears. The view from our tents was beautiful and reconfirmed my love of backpacking and deepened my appreciation of nature.
The view from our campsite at the Allegheny National Forest
Two days after that trip, we headed back to the Quebec Run Wild Area with the dogs in tow this time. We hiked a shorter and less challenging loop, which included a stream crossing and a pretty steep incline to get back out. Again, we camped by the creek, the rushing water was soothing and provided ample hydration for all of us. Late in the evening as we sat by the campfire, we heard a pack of coyotes howl and bark. Another perfect night in the woods.
Ten days later, we ventured out again with the dogs and headed to a point-to-point trail at Moraine State Park. This was not our first choice for this expedition, but the weather forecast had caused us to change our plans. This ended up being a 10-mile hike out and back. We camped at a shelter and had an amazing campfire. I even foraged for some mushrooms on this trip. We listened to birds call to one another at dusk and slumbered so soundly that we slept in the following morning and didn’t break down camp until after 8am.
The forest of Moraine State Park
We returned home and departed 3 days later for our intended destination in Bigfoot country, Wayne National Forest. Once again, we departed, sans dogs, because this intended trail was noted as “difficult” and encompassed almost 15 miles. We hiked 9 miles the first day, finally arriving at a camp that was along a nearly dry creek bed. There was no water to be found, the trek was long and challenging with a lot of steep inclines, but the scenery was beautiful, with a natural bridge, caves, and rock outcroppings. We were exhausted as we set up camp and prepared dinner. We enjoyed a wonderful campfire before turning in for the night only to be awakened around 2am by an inhuman cry/wail/moan/howl which reminded us that we were in Bigfoot country.
We came home from this last adventure two days ago and we are planning our next trip. Thus far, we have covered more than 200 miles with all of our day and overnight expeditions.
I share all of this because most people don’t understand what we do. Even more, they don’t understand why we do it. There is something profoundly spiritual about being in the natural world, deeply submerged in nature, that brings you ever closer to God. I have a greater appreciation for this incredible planet that He has given us, this incredible world that we completely take for granted. Being in the wilderness restores my soul, brings me peace, comforts my restlessness, soothes my mind, removes my cares, gives me a reset, and connects me with God in a way that I cannot explain. But if you know, you know.
There have been many people who do not understand my love of disconnecting and unplugging from society, from people, from the world. But that’s okay, not everyone needs to understand. There are some people who think that I may be selfish for packing up and leaving everything behind for a day or two or even a week or more, but there is a big difference between selfishness and self-care. This is my self-care. This is my time with God, appreciating His creation, enjoying the silence that only nature can provide, and listening to the wind, the water, and the animals, listening to nature. Listening to God.
So today, take some time for self-care. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Because when you are taking care of yourself, you are making space for God. You are creating fertile ground so that God can work in your life. And maybe take a walk in the woods, listen to the trees, inhale the forest air, wade through a creek, and listen for God. I know He has something He wants to tell you. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I attend Monday morning mass at monastery. There are these beautiful young trees that line the drive to Our Lady of Sorrow’s Monastery and Father of Mercy Chapel. Based on the shape of the leaf, I am guessing that they are some variety of maple. Each year, they turn the most glorious shade of fiery orange-red in the fall. When they are at their peak, it is quite a magnificent yet peaceful sight especially with the chapel in the distance.
However, I have noticed every single year that all of the trees shed all of their leaves except for one lone tree. This tree has always managed to hang on to almost all of its leaves. I find it amazing that all of the others have released the old growth, but this one tree still clings to its foliage, almost like a security blanket. Each year, leaves are nearly wholly intact, and still as gorgeous as ever as we approach mid November. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this one particular tree does not drop it leaves as all of the other have. All of the others around it are bare.
As I drove up the long drive this morning, the cool autumn air pouring through my sun roof and open windows, I pondered this. Why this one tree? Why not the others? How did it hold on to most of its leaves, when all of the others are barren? What is it waiting for? When will it let go of its leaves? It just doesn’t seem natural. I ponder this very thing nearly every year, and every year it causes great consternation.
The tree that keeps its leaves
This one tree is a metaphor for life…for my life (and maybe for yours too). That one tree, holding on to its leaves, represents me. I tend I hold on to a lot, more than I probably should. Just two days ago marked 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And while I am now cancer free, it is a date and memory that I continue hold onto. And it’s not the only thing that I hang on to, there are past offenses, rejections, relationships, frustrations, and the list goes on. I hold onto these things, almost like a security blanket, because who would I be without them? They define who I am. They are who I am, right?
Trees let go of their leaves to protect themselves, to care for themselves. Shedding leaves helps the tree to conserve water and energy. As unfavorable weather approaches, hormones in the tree triggers the process of abscission. Essentially, the leaves are actively cut-off of the tree. When the abscission process begins, the tree re-absorbs necessary nutrients from its leaves. These nutrients are stored for later use in the roots. Chlorophyll, the pigment that gives leaves their green color, is one of the first molecules to be broken down for its nutrients. This is one of the reasons why the trees change color during the fall. At the end of the abscission process, when the leaves have been shed, a protective layer of cells grows over the exposed area. The shedding of leaves also helps trees to pollinate come springtime. Without leaves to get in the way, wind-blown pollen can travel longer distances and reach more trees. So this “letting go” is essential for the tree’s health, life and continued growth.
Because of this tree, I have come to realize there are things of which I should really let go. Anger. Fear. Resentment. Mistakes. Past hurts. Bad decisions. Second guesses…everything that that is harmful, damaging or destructive. I tend hold on to all those things that are negative, and ruminate on them over and over again. But those things don’t define me. They may have influenced me, but they are not who I am. It reminds me of a quote I once read, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.”
We can learn a lot from nature and from trees. Just as the shedding of leaves is beneficial to the health, life and continued growth of the tree, so is the letting go of all that is negative in our lives. All of those things consume your thoughts and affect your peace.
So today, learn from those experiences, let them make you better than you were and then let them go. And remember, “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are prepared by them. God doesn’t waste anything.” And please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.
It has been quite a while since I penned any thoughts or any reflections. I just haven’t had anything meaningful (in my opinion) to share. I was hoping that the Lenten season would inspire me, but it did not.
It is difficult to feel far from God when you are surrounded by His beautiful creation
In fact, during the entire season of Lent, in which I was supposed to be drawing closer to God, I could not have felt any farther away from Him. And it was not for lack of trying. During the entire forty days, I prayed morning prayer (although often I completely blanked out), read multiple daily reflections (although nothing was speaking to me), I attended daily mass (although I was typically distracted and agitated), prayed a daily rosary (often days more than one) and the chaplet of Divine Mercy. I also continued to pray the St. Andrew Novena just because I like it. I have tried just being silent and listening. But I got nothing. Even the priest’s whose homilies usually touch me in a profound way had left me entirely empty. Nothing was bringing me peace and I didn’t feel close to God at all. If anything I felt like God was completely absent from my life. And I was angry. Perpetually angry. And I think it was because of that absence. Or perhaps it was something else. I really don’t know; I just know that I felt “out of sorts”.
I essentially complained about the state of my relationship with God to a friend of mine who happens to be a religious sister. I guess I thought or knew that she might have some insight into one’s individual prayer life and how to navigate a relationship with God. She told me that there are times when we will experience aridity in prayer, when we will feel like God is far away. She also indicated that this is normal.
She then recommended a book to me to help me through this “distance” I am experiencing with God right now called Discernment of the Spirits by Fr. Timothy Gallagher. She indicated that it was an easy read, and it was specifically written for lay people. Needless to say, I was excited to have some help in this area so I ordered the book…or so I thought.
I waited anxiously for my book to arrive – two days had never seemed so long. Then the long-awaited day arrived. It was then that I realized I ordered the wrong book. I ordered the Reader’s Guide which is an accompaniment to the actual book – the book that I did not order.
I accepted my little “ordering” mistake as a message from God, the first message that I had had or at least had recognized in months. I figured this was God telling me that he wanted me to dive in a little deeper into this book (the book that I did not yet possess) and spend a little more time getting into the “heart” of the Christian spiritual life. So I went back online and ordered the correct book, only to find out that its delivery would take a little longer that I had hoped it would. Apparently, God was going to teach me patience as well through this little event.
The book has finally arrived, and I intend to begin reading it today. However, as I was looking through it to get an idea of exactly what I am in for, I realized that it is essentially a book of rules – the rules for spiritual life. Incidentally, I am also reading another book of rules called the 12 Rules for Life – An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan B. Peterson. I have been reading this book for the past couple of weeks, and in a twist of irony I have actually felt a little closer to God while reading it. It has given me a lot to reflect on or maybe just relate to. (There are a number of Biblical references, philosophy and psychology wrapped up in that book).
The point of all of this is, yes, right now I still feel very far from God. But I think a lot of that is my own fault. I have spent the last few months wrapped up in the chaos of our world, of poor leadership, of exaggerated COVID numbers and bold face media lies, of inherent evil in our society, of the desire for power and an unspeakable greed that has become part of the fabric of our government and of big corporations, in the influence of social media, and the opinions of shallow, yet powerful celebrities, of people turning away from God, of “following the science” which, in fact is not science at all, in two weeks to flatten the curve, and in virtue signaling, which is not virtuous at all. I became lost in the chaos of our world and I lost sight of God. When you lose sight of God, you cannot hear what He is trying to tell you, you cannot do God’s will, and you certainly will feel far from God. But I feel like I am on the right path in resurrecting (no pun intended) my relationship with God, particularly during this Octave of Easter.
So today, maybe take a moment and see where you stand in your relationship with God. Have you reduced room for Him like I did because I was so concerned about external issues? Or maybe you have not had a relationship with God at all. In either case, now is a good time to begin that journey with God. So today, please pray for me as I delve into my new book and open that door to an improved relationship with God, and I will continue to pray for you.
Do you ever wonder if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing with your life? Do you ever wonder if things could be different, and if so how they could be different? Every decision that you have ever made has gotten you to this exact point in your life. Is this really where you are supposed to be? Did you miss a turn, take the wrong path? Are you lost?
Over the past couple of months, I have found myself asking those very questions. Is this really where God wants me? Is this really God’s plan or purpose for my life at this very moment? I was asking myself these very questions because a lot of things were going on in my life. Some new opportunities were presenting themselves, I was forging new professional relationships and expanding my work in advancement, but I had been “unsettled”. I thought God might be calling me to take a different path.
I spent several weeks praying about the events that were unfolding in front of me, trying to discern exactly what God had in mind. I would pray morning prayer, read the reflections for the day, and attend morning mass. Then I would pray some more. But the more I prayed about it, the more unsettled I became.
Each time I thought I had figured it out, something would happen that would have me questioning where God really wanted me to go and what God really wanted me to do. It could be the homily for the day or a conversation with one of our alumni. Some days it was the reflection, or a phone call, or a chance meeting. Other days it would be challenges that would arise, or emails that I would receive. All I can say is that I felt pulled in several different directions and I still had no idea where God wanted me or why He would even put me in the situation that I was in at that time.
It got to the point that I talked with a friend who was a religious sister. In fact, I had been praying again about “discernment of God’s will for my life” one morning before mass. I was still struggling with what all of this meant. When I opened my eyes from prayer, I saw Sister walking through the chapel. It was then that I decided that I would talk with her.
I had asked her “How do you discern between God’s will and your own desire?”, because by this time I was thoroughly confused. I wasn’t sure if I was acting out God’s will or simply doing what I thought I wanted at the time. I was once told by a priest that “That which is God’s desire will bring you peace.” I shared that with her and we talked quite a bit, because at the time I wasn’t peaceful about anything! Her words and advice were comforting, but I still had no idea what I was supposed to do.
I then asked my friend who is a priest the very same question. He gave me the following advice: use all the reason and intelligence God has given you, sit with it and see what decision leads you to feel peace, go in the direction where you’ll be choosing to love. His closing comment was that God uses our desires too. So, sometimes they’re the same thing. That was profound and really made an impact.
I continued to pray about this, trying to discern what God was calling me to, and how could I best serve Him. At the time, He was giving me all of these little clues. But I will admit it, sometimes I’m stubborn and hardheaded and really just don’t get it. Sometimes, I just need to be hit over the head or smacked in the face. This was one of those times.
After nearly two months of trying to figure this out, I realized I was trying to figure it out on my own. Although I had been praying, I hadn’t surrendered myself to prayer and given the discernment over to God. On Monday morning September 21st during mass, I simply prayed and said to God, “you need to be very clear as to what you want from me.” A few things happened after that which made me realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Let’s just say God was pretty clear.
The first, which happened that very evening after asking for clarity, one of our alums suggested that I reach out to his daughter as we had a lot in common. As he and I talked, it was clear that we did have a lot in common. But the bond that connected us the most was that we both had breast cancer.
I don’t make a habit of reaching out to strangers, even when someone makes the suggestion, unless it is directly related to a work referral. But this, this made sense. I was going to do this. So I sent a message via Facebook and introduced myself, said that I knew her Dad and how I became aware of her situation and shared that I had experienced breast cancer too. Before long, we were sharing messages and exchanged phone numbers. As it turns out, she had prayed that very morning to be a vessel for Christ and use her experience with breast cancer to connect with and help other women. It was kind of a WOW! moment for both of us. Funny how God answers prayers and uses us for a greater purpose. (Just over a week later we met for coffee and talked for over two hours. I would not have had that opportunity if it had not been for the decisions that I had made and the experiences that I had had. I was exactly where I was supposed to be. God’s timing is perfect.)
The following day, the second and third things happened. I received an email asking when I would be in Columbus to meet with our regional alumni. Because of COVID, I have not done much traveling and most of the planned events had to be cancelled, including the regional alumni event in Columbus. Once I received that email, I immediately began to plan the trip. That afternoon, I got a phone call that gave me closure and assured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even with all of the uncertainty, the unsettledness, the questioning, the struggling, I know that I am where God wants me. I don’t think I could have said that a few weeks ago, but God’s timing is perfect.
Maybe you’re questioning right now, maybe you’re unsure about somethings in your life. So today be attentive to the little signs that God is giving you, pray, and remember that His timing is perfect. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.
Tired dogs after their walk.
If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.
jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19
It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.
I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.
With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.
I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.
My new co-worker
But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.
Sleepy puppy. Walks wear her out..
As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.
It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.
Spring sunset
It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?
It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Ash Wednesday marked the start of the Lenten season, which in and of itself is a big deal. This is the time of prayer, fasting and alms giving as we reflect on God’s great love for us and prepare for Easter Sunday. It was last year that I finally grasped the meaning and importance of the Lenten season. It was when I finally understood what a Lenten sacrifice was. Lent has taken on a much different meaning for me over the past year and has a far greater significance in my life.
The prayer coin we were given at Ash Wednesday Service at Holy Family Church
Ash Wednesday 2020 was meaningful for a couple of other reasons as well. This Ash Wednesday mark my first day of freedom. It was a day of independence, of liberation, of sovereignty, of dominion. It was the day that I got my life back. It was the first day that I had driven a car in well over a month. It was the day that I returned to the office to work (albeit on a limited basis). It was the day that I attended meetings with actual people. Although I had been working from home, my interactions with real people had been quite limited. It was the day that I was able to return to daily mass, and Ash Wednesday 2020 was the first time my husband received ashes (he converted to Catholicism almost 20 years ago but had never received ashes on Ash Wednesday).
I had a work meeting at Leonardo’s, a local coffee house, the evening of Ash Wednesday. My coffee came in this mug; just another message from God.
On February 3rd, everything changed, even if I wasn’t ready, even if I didn’t want it to, even if I was denying that it would change. For the past month, it almost seemed like my life has been on hold. I am not a person who can just sit idly. I am not very good at relaxing and I tend to over think and analyze things when I don’t have something to do. The entire month of February, I was forced to relax. I needed to relax if I was to heal properly.
Although I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early November and had surgery at the beginning of February, I have to remind myself that I am still in recovery. I still, technically, have at least a couple more weeks of recuperation from the mastectomy surgery. And I will have another surgery in a couple of months. I actually have to remind myself that I had cancer.
I know I have mentioned this before, but I don’t feel like I have/had cancer. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel angry, I am not worried. I am not in pain, I am not depressed, I am not upset. The only things that have reminded me that I had cancer and had surgery to treat it were the changes to my daily routines.
For the entire month of February, I missed daily mass. That was difficult for me because daily mass is part of who I am. Missing daily mass also impacted the way in which I was praying and how I was relating to and talking with God. I didn’t pray morning prayer. I didn’t pray my normal rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. In fact, it didn’t seem like I was praying at all. But I was, it was just different. I experienced a profound peace that I never expected to find through all of this. I could sense God’s presence and Christ’s peace even though life had changed, even though there was uncertainty. I wasn’t feeling fear, or pain, or anger, or frustration or any of those things. If I am experiencing anything, it is guilt because of how well I actually feel.
I guess I feel guilty because I know others who have endured cancer, the surgeries, the radiation, the chemotherapy, the exhaustion, the pain, the stress, the depression, and everything else that goes along with it and I really haven’t experienced a lot of that. What I have experienced has not been that severe. I feel guilty for being concerned about not being able to cook for my family or being able to workout at my normal level of intensity (I am allowed to walk and use the elliptical- no arms). That is just selfish. I feel guilty because there are people who are battling cancer who have to deal with the pain and sickness associated with radiation and chemotherapy, and I don’t. I dodged a bullet with that one.
I have to go through reconstructive surgery, a process that is uncomfortable but bearable. I have to have some follow-up visits with my doctors for the next several weeks. I have to take some anti-cancer meds for next ten years. And I get a little tired. What do I really have to complain about, maybe that’s why I feel guilty? Maybe I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and I know I don’t deserve it.
While most days it doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my life has changed, I know that a lot has. And I have the scars (and the medical bills) to prove it. The scars, they are what remind me every day of the blessings.
I was texting with a friend the other day who asked how I was doing. I responded that I feel fantastic and that all of this has been a strange blessing. That’s when it struck me, this really has been a strange blessing. Most people think I am crazy when I say that breast cancer has been a blessing. But it really has been. I can’t explain it, but I marvel at it. I can’t figure out why I have been so fortunate when others have had to endure so much more. Why I have been blessed with such kindness, heartfelt compassion, love and friendship. I could sit and ask why did God give me cancer, but what God did through cancer was bless me abundantly in so many ways. I am just waiting to see what else He has in store for me throughout this journey, because I am pretty sure it is going to be something amazing. So yes, this cancer is a strange blessing, but it is a blessing, an amazing blessing, none the less.
So today, look for the strange blessings within your life, if you really take time, I am sure you will find several, and please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.
As I typed this, I was on a plane to Savannah; well actually Atlanta. I had a layover there. But honestly, who doesn’t have a layover in Atlanta. It is the busiest airport in the US. I gazed out the window, high above the clouds that looked almost like the ocean. I love the ocean. It brings me such peace.
“It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”
The Alchemist, Paul Coelho
Although peace is what I have right now, – I am at peace with the turbulence of my flight, I am at peace with the work that I am heading to Savannah to do, I am at peace with tying up loose ends for my work with the Steubenville Catholic School’s, I am at peace with making preparations for my family, – the thought of my approaching surgery lingers in the back of mind like a shadow. It is overshadowing my peace, but it has not disturbed it just yet. Obviously, I missed mass Wednesday morning because of my early flight, but that didn’t disturb my peace either. God knew I would still begin my day spending time with Him. And I did, just not the way in which I normally would.
Since this diagnosis. I have taken prayer requests. I figured the least I can do is offer this “inconvenience” for the benefit of others. So as the plane was de-iced yesterday morning I prayed a rosary for a dear friend and her intentions.
Fast-forward 24 hours and I’m catching my Lyft to the airport. My driver was Edward, a delightful Army veteran. He and his wife have been married for 47 years, have 4 children (one child died a day after birth) and have lived all over the world. He served in Desert Storm and he told me, “I am one of those people who believe in God.” I liked him right away. We had some wonderful conversations about family, faith and life. When he dropped me off, I shook his hand, thanked him for his service and said May God bless you.
I don’t normally close conversations with strangers in that manner, but I did without even thinking. Maybe because I know God has blessed me. Maybe because I know that people are praying me for near and far. People whom I know well and people whom I don’t even know at all. I appreciate those prayers, those well wishes and good thoughts, those positive vibes and good juju, more than you know. And I can feel them because I am at peace as I approach Mondays surgery date.
The Carmelites sister in Savannah, GA are praying for me. In fact, they are offering their Monday mass for me. My TOR sisters are praying for me and prayed with me earlier this week. I will have an anointing of the sick just days before surgery. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my husbands co-workers, my Crusader family, my Facebook community, my acquaintances, my neighbors and even strangers are praying for me. I know I have nothing to worry about.
As I was flying back into Atlanta on my return home today, I was reading The Alchemist. A line from that book struck me; “It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.” I would have called you crazy if you told me that a few years ago. But I truly believe that now. Spending time with the Franciscan sisters confirmed that for me. But now, I am experiencing that for myself.
Thank you for your prayers. I ask that you please pray for me in a special way on Monday as I will undergo another biopsy and surgery. As always, I will continue to pray for you
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 