#help – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Slay the Dragon

Today is the memorial of St. George. Born in 280 A.D., he is the patron saint of England. However, St. George is best known for the Golden Legend, which is the slaying of a dragon and saving the maiden from harm.

A version of the legend goes that in a city in North Africa, there was a body of water inhabited by a dragon. In order to appease the dragon, the townspeople offered said dragon two sheep per day. Some versions indicate that the town ran out of sheep, while other legends state the ritual changed to include a sheep and a child. In either case, eventually, this became the fate of the king’s daughter. She was to sacrifice herself for the protection of the town. While she prepared to offer herself, George passed by and killed the dragon with a single strike from his lance. That gesture is symbolic of faith triumphing over evil.

While the legend is romantic and chivalrous, St. George’s death is horrific and tragic. He was martyred by Diocletian when he professed his faith in God and renounced Roman deities. Before his torture and beheading, George gave all his possessions to the poor.

Because of Georges’ valiant behavior (fighting evil, protecting, women, generosity to the poor, deep faith, etc.), he became quite popular in Europe in the 10^th Century. During the Crusades, St. George was transformed into a holy warrior. King Richard I of England (“the Lionheart”) invoked him as the protector of soldiers and in 1348, King Edward III established the Order of the Knights of St. George.

Still, St. George is most associated with dragons and dragons are the stuff of fairy tales. C.K. Chesterton presents a different view by stating, “Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” St. George provides a shining example that dragons can be defeated.

“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”

– C.K. Chesterton

Fr. Michael gave a great homily about this at mass this morning, thus inspiring me to reflect. Do dragons exist? Yes, dragons do exist. But what are dragons? Dragons can be anything with which you struggle, like fear, depression, anxiety, grief, anger, frustration, or sadness. Your dragons might look like illness, pain, and suffering. Perhaps your dragons are breathing the fire of hatred and mistrust, or deception and pride. Our dragons can embody the seven deadly sins of pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth.

We all have dragons, multiple dragons. Some of us might even have a Hydra that torments us. When we cut off one head and think we have triumphed, that head grows back, and it is worse than before. St. George should inspire us to fight our dragons, to not lose hope, to trust, and have faith in God. St. George does teach that the dragons can be destroyed. But we cannot destroy those dragons alone. We must ask God for help.

Temptation can be a dragon. We found this $1 bill stuffed in a tree in the form of a bird. One might be tempted to take it rather than leave its beauty for others to see.

Today, trust God, ask Him for help, and slay the dragon. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Humble, Grateful, Blessed

Exactly one week ago, I had shoulder surgery. In fact, it was scheduled at 10:40am, as I am typing this, it is 10:38am.

Surgery began 168 hours ago. In the past 168 hours, 2.5 of those hours were spent in surgery and recovery and another hour in travel back home. Once I arrived home from surgery, I spent the next 48 hours lying on the sofa in some serious pain. The first night, I got virtually no sleep, the pain was so excruciating. I nearly cried. Tuesday was filled with brief hours of waking, but mostly with dozing, napping, and just generally being useless.

I did finally rouse myself Wednesday morning to get on a conference call and answer some emails. To say it was difficult would be an understatement. I have limited use of my right arm, as I am in a perpetual sling. I happen to be right-handed. Trying to function with only my left hand has been met with minimal success. Wednesday was also the day that I was finally able to shower.

Jazz and Tux made sure I rested when I was left unattended

If you know me, you know I love cleanliness and thoroughly appreciate my daily shower (usually two). So not being able to shower for a couple of days was truly challenging. The bright side was, I felt so awful that I really didn’t want to shower. Honestly, I didn’t even want to move.

Once Wednesday arrived, I could not wait to jump in the shower. Here, in lies the problem. I cannot shower, I cannot get ready to shower, without some assistance. Actually, without a lot of assistance. The sling that I must wear, at all times, except for bathing and exercises, requires someone to help me put it on and take it off. And that is just the first challenge. Then there is the struggle of getting my shirt on and off. I have a very limited range of motion with my right arm. I feel truly helpless. I need someone to help dress and undress me. My husband, who has been my sole source of assistance, seems to like the latter task. I am truly grateful that he has been here to assist me as I recover from surgery.

My one adventure out of the house. I moved my sofa to my son’s sofa

This recovery is taking longer than I had hoped. I knew it was going to be painful. I knew the recovery was lengthy. I knew I would need help with a lot of different things. I completely underestimated that walking would cause pain in my shoulder and arm. I overlooked that sleeping well would be a challenge, particularly while wearing a cumbersome sling. I neglected to realize that eating would be more difficult, that making a cup of coffee would be a huge task and that wearing anything other than sweatpants would require an additional half an hour every time I ventured to the bathroom. I did not think about not being able to shave my legs. Brushing my teeth even takes more time. I failed to understand that I would not be able to carry much of anything and that typing would be a painful task. And I cannot drive. What I failed to really truly understand was that I would need help. Lots of it. I have never felt more useless in my life.

I’m not really good at asking for help. I am an independent and self-reliant woman. And now I am at the mercy of my family, dependent on my husband for just about everything. Yeah, it is difficult. Yeah, it is humbling. And yeah, God is using it to help me grow. To teach me trust. To make me rely more on others. To show me how to ask for help. But it is also growing my relationship with Him, teaching me to trust Him more and lean into Him when I need support and rest. It is also helping me recognize all of the gifts and blessings in my life and is reinforcing my sense of gratitude for all of those who have helped me during this recovery, particularly my husband.

We have been together for almost 30 years and have been married for nearly 27 of those years. When people are together that long, they tend to take each other for granted. But through this little setback, I am reminded of what a blessing he is to me (and so many others) and I am grateful for our marriage and partnership. He has done all of the heavy lifting and handled all of the responsibilities this past week. I am fortunate that he willingly takes such good care of me. From sleepless nights and complaints about pain and discomfort to helping me shower and dress, I am humbled and grateful that God has put him in my life and that together, we pursue a deeper relationship and a deeper reliance on God.

My husband and my dog…two of the three men in my life.

So today, be humble enough to ask for help when you need it and be grateful for the people that God has placed in your life and the blessings that He showers upon you. And today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

Jet Trails, Saturday Afternoon Walks, and Beauty

I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts. Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange. Ruby and Bailey get the second walk. During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet.

If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was. I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me. The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force. The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened. And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires. There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens. The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.

jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19

It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.

I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs. And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things. Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind. I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.

With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not. Schools are closed until May. All non-essential businesses have been closed. There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only. Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders. There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US. Air traffic has become virtually non-existent. And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane.

I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do. But all travel has been put on hold. We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials. Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes. We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails. Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time. Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus. The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.

But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.

As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary. All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important. Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting. We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message. We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other. And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.

It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange. The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other.

It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved. Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living? Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important? Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another? Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?

It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began. So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Birthdays, Doctors and Cancer

I never imagined that at the age of 47, I would have so many doctors. I have primary care physician. That one makes sense, everybody should have a PCP. I have an OBY/GYN. That makes sense too, being a woman and all. But I also have an orthopedic surgeon, who I have seen far too often. I guess that’s because I am active and work out. I have had Achilles tendon surgery and have had to see him for shoulder and rotator cuff issues. Fortunately, I haven’t had to see him in a while. I have a podiatrist. Really at the age of 47 I need a foot doctor? I have one. I have a hand specialist too! I also have a cardiologist and a pulmonologist. Who knew that once I hit 45, I would have a need for all of these doctors.

Yesterday, I got to add another doctor to my ever growing list – well two actually. Yesterday was also my stepson’s 30^th birthday, so it was kind of a big day. The 30th birthday, that’s kind of a turning point in everyone’s life. I mean at 30, you really are a full-fledged adult. So November 6^th has always been a day that I remember. But yesterday, that date became a day that I will now remember for other reasons. November 6^th was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got to add Oncologist and General/Breast Surgeon to my ever growing list of doctors.

Let’s just say that I didn’t think that I had breast cancer. I just haven’t really felt right the past several months, (since around March). Just kind of fatigued, short of breath, just not myself. That is how this journey began, with the PA/NP at my PCP, who referred me the cardiologist and things just progressed from there. It had absolutely nothing to do with my breasts!

I mean I had found a lump, just a few weeks ago but to me that was normal because I have fiber-cystic breasts. It really wasn’t a big deal. I have had lumps before. And I just had a mammogram at the end of April. The results were fine. Less than a week after I found the lump, I had a CT scan and there were some concerns when the results came back. And it was the PA/NP from the cardiologist’s office who had the greatest concern and ordered another mammogram and ultrasound. Those tests – the ultrasound in particular indicated an anomaly. They wanted to do a biopsy. Okay, this is just precautionary, better to be safe than sorry. That was done on Monday November 4^th. I wasn’t supposed to get my results until tomorrow.

The PA/NP from cardiologist’s office is wonderful. She calls me after hours, texts me, and checks on me. She had asked me to check-in with her after the biopsy. Well, I didn’t check in with her until Tuesday evening. I wanted to let her know that it had been done and that I was sore and uncomfortable – it was worse the day after. We exchanged some texts. She has been very supportive and helpful and seems more like a friend that my health professional. She sent me a text later in the evening and asked me to stop in the office in the morning. Initially, I thought she just wanted to check the incision because I had kind of been complaining about it in our texts.

That wasn’t why she wanted to see me. She had gotten the pathology report about an hour or so after we exchanged our texts on Tuesday night. She didn’t want me to have to wait until Friday. She didn’t want me to have to endure the weekend without any answers. She wanted me to see an oncologist immediately and know exactly what I was facing and what my options were.

When she walked into the office, I knew immediately. To be honest, I actually sensed it the night before. Actually, I just had feeling about all of it, even before the mammogram, etc. I kind of knew when the CT results came back and they needed to run more tests. I guess I really knew I had cancer before I knew I had cancer. I just didn’t know what kind of cancer; and I certainly didn’t think it was breast cancer.

But I have breast cancer. And I have been talking to God about all of this, even before the diagnosis, trying to figure out what it is He is trying to show me or teach me through all of this. I think one thing is that I need to rely on Him and others more; to ask other people for help and not try to take this on all on my own. As my sister pointed out to me, she said, “I know you’re a private person…but you may need some help.” I am not great at asking for help or sharing anything that is personal or private – especially when it comes to how I feel. I know I have wonderful family who are there for me, not to mention an amazing husband and son who have been an incredible support over the past 24 hours. (my diagnosis is just over 24 hours old).

And while I have breast cancer, I also have my faith and God will give me the strength and the resources to get through this. He has already given me my family and my friends to support me. He has given me amazing health care professionals who have called to check on me and gone above and beyond to get me what I need. (The PA/NP from my PCP called me yesterday afternoon.) He has given me my TOR Sisters and my Crusader family who are praying for me. So, from where I stand, God has got me covered. No matter what lies ahead, I know something amazing will come out of this trial. Like my tattoo says “trust unto God and He will direct your path”. So today, please pray for me in a special way and I will continue to pray for you.