Tag: #distracted

Far From God

It has been quite a while since I penned any thoughts or any reflections. I just haven’t had anything meaningful (in my opinion) to share. I was hoping that the Lenten season would inspire me, but it did not.

It is difficult to feel far from God when you are surrounded by His beautiful creation

In fact, during the entire season of Lent, in which I was supposed to be drawing closer to God, I could not have felt any farther away from Him. And it was not for lack of trying. During the entire forty days, I prayed morning prayer (although often I completely blanked out), read multiple daily reflections (although nothing was speaking to me), I attended daily mass (although I was typically distracted and agitated), prayed a daily rosary (often days more than one) and the chaplet of Divine Mercy. I also continued to pray the St. Andrew Novena just because I like it. I have tried just being silent and listening. But I got nothing. Even the priest’s whose homilies usually touch me in a profound way had left me entirely empty. Nothing was bringing me peace and I didn’t feel close to God at all. If anything I felt like God was completely absent from my life. And I was angry. Perpetually angry. And I think it was because of that absence. Or perhaps it was something else. I really don’t know; I just know that I felt “out of sorts”.

I essentially complained about the state of my relationship with God to a friend of mine who happens to be a religious sister. I guess I thought or knew that she might have some insight into one’s individual prayer life and how to navigate a relationship with God. She told me that there are times when we will experience aridity in prayer, when we will feel like God is far away. She also indicated that this is normal.

She then recommended a book to me to help me through this “distance” I am experiencing with God right now called Discernment of the Spirits by Fr. Timothy Gallagher. She indicated that it was an easy read, and it was specifically written for lay people. Needless to say, I was excited to have some help in this area so I ordered the book…or so I thought.

I waited anxiously for my book to arrive – two days had never seemed so long. Then the long-awaited day arrived. It was then that I realized I ordered the wrong book. I ordered the Reader’s Guide which is an accompaniment to the actual book – the book that I did not order.

I accepted my little “ordering” mistake as a message from God, the first message that I had had or at least had recognized in months. I figured this was God telling me that he wanted me to dive in a little deeper into this book (the book that I did not yet possess) and spend a little more time getting into the “heart” of the Christian spiritual life. So I went back online and ordered the correct book, only to find out that its delivery would take a little longer that I had hoped it would. Apparently, God was going to teach me patience as well through this little event.

The book has finally arrived, and I intend to begin reading it today. However, as I was looking through it to get an idea of exactly what I am in for, I realized that it is essentially a book of rules – the rules for spiritual life. Incidentally, I am also reading another book of rules called the 12 Rules for Life – An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan B. Peterson. I have been reading this book for the past couple of weeks, and in a twist of irony I have actually felt a little closer to God while reading it. It has given me a lot to reflect on or maybe just relate to. (There are a number of Biblical references, philosophy and psychology wrapped up in that book).

The point of all of this is, yes, right now I still feel very far from God. But I think a lot of that is my own fault. I have spent the last few months wrapped up in the chaos of our world, of poor leadership, of exaggerated COVID numbers and bold face media lies, of inherent evil in our society, of the desire for power and an unspeakable greed that has become part of the fabric of our government and of big corporations, in the influence of social media, and the opinions of shallow, yet powerful celebrities, of people turning away from God, of “following the science” which, in fact is not science at all, in two weeks to flatten the curve, and in virtue signaling, which is not virtuous at all. I became lost in the chaos of our world and I lost sight of God. When you lose sight of God, you cannot hear what He is trying to tell you, you cannot do God’s will, and you certainly will feel far from God. But I feel like I am on the right path in resurrecting (no pun intended) my relationship with God, particularly during this Octave of Easter.

So today, maybe take a moment and see where you stand in your relationship with God. Have you reduced room for Him like I did because I was so concerned about external issues? Or maybe you have not had a relationship with God at all. In either case, now is a good time to begin that journey with God. So today, please pray for me as I delve into my new book and open that door to an improved relationship with God, and I will continue to pray for you.

Jet Trails, Saturday Afternoon Walks, and Beauty

I took the dogs for a walk on Saturday afternoon, just like I have been doing everyday since we have initiated “shelter in place” in Ohio in the midst of COVID-19. With four dogs, I have to split the walks into two shifts.  Eve and Charlie get the first walk, then I return home and make the exchange.  Ruby and Bailey get the second walk.  During those walks, I pray a rosary and a Divine Mercy Chaplet. 

Tired dogs after their walk.

If you were out in eastern Ohio on Saturday afternoon, you know just how beautiful the day was.  I spent most of those walks appreciating the beauty that was awakening all around me.  The trees are beginning to bud and the daffodils have bloomed in full force.  The forsythia is beginning to flower (I have a love/hate relationship with that plant) and the hyacinths have opened.  And the sky, the sky was the color of sapphires.  There were no jet trails streaking across the vast blue, no pollution making crisscrossed marks through the heavens.  The skies were clear and azure with some puffy white clouds dotting God’s vast canvas.

jet trails crossing the sky before COVID-19

It was in that moment that realized just how busy our lives have become, how filled with self-importance. So much so that we fail to notice the beauty that is all around, or maybe we notice it but just take it for granted.    

I walk a lot, and most of the time it is with my dogs.  And although I am normally praying while I am walking, I often get distracted by other things.  Thoughts will creep into my mind about work, or family, or relationships; about the political climate and the division within our society, or about a thousand other random thoughts that enter my mind.  I become preoccupied and consumed by those thoughts, lose track of what I am doing and fail to notice the beauty that is all around me.

With the onset of COVID-19, the shelter in place and the stay at home order, everyone has been forced to slow down – whether they want to or not.  Schools are closed until May.  All non-essential businesses have been closed.  There are no masses or Sunday services. The banks are operating as drive-thru banking only.  Restaurants are closed for dine-in options, but you can still get to-go orders.  There are fewer cars on the roadways, and rush hour is no more. The lack of jet trails shows us just how things have changed in the US.  Air traffic has become virtually non-existent.  And to think a few weeks ago, most of us could not live without traveling somewhere by plane. 

I am an advancement professional, so travel is a big part of what I do.  But all travel has been put on hold.  We are to practice social distancing, not to congregate in groups outside of our family structure (that is family living within the same household), and only go out of the house for essentials.  Somehow, we have all learned how to adjust to these changes.  We are meeting virtually, making more phone calls, sending more emails.  Yes, it is challenging. For some it is very challenging as they may be facing unemployment during this time.   Or they may be an “essential” employee who is required to report to work daily even with the threat of the coronavirus.  The uncertainty of all of it is stressful.

My new co-worker

But we have seen some really beautiful things as a result of the situation in our country. And I am not just talking about the beauty of spring unfolding before us and finally having the time to appreciate it. I’m talking about community and family. Neighbors checking on each other. People donating to strangers to help them through these unsure times. Virtual gatherings to help keep people connected. Healthcare workers volunteering to go serve in areas that have been hardest hit. Families taking daily walks and bike rides together. Teachers calling to check up on their students. More dinners together around the table. Real conversations. Prayer.

Sleepy puppy. Walks wear her out..

As I walked the dogs again today, I reflected once more on the lack of jet trails and wondered if it was really necessary.  All of the travel, all of the time commitments and time constraints, all of the things that we fill our lives with that seem to be so important.  Somehow, we are getting by without jetting across the country for a meeting.  We have learned how to do our jobs remotely. We can see the value of a meaningful phone call and genuine conversation and know the importance of a simple text message.  We have slowed down and learned to appreciate each other.  And hopefully we have learned to appreciate all of those “essential” people that we take for granted on a daily basis, the local small business owners, the retail workers, store clerks and gas station attendants, the truck drivers and farmers, the doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals; all of those essential employees that still have to go into work so we have what we need to live.

It may sound strange, but in this crisis, I have found a joy and peace that seems strange.  The slower pace, the quieter atmosphere, the return to home and family, the way people are looking out for each other and helping each other out; it has been reassuring to me about the goodness and kindness that exists in all humanity. Unfortunately, it has taken a pandemic for so many of us to stop, slow down and see each other. 

Spring sunset

It does make me wonder what will happen when all of this is resolved.  Will we go back to the breakneck pace that we were living?  Will we fill our lives once again with meaningless nonsense and lose sight of all that is truly important?  Will we stop praying and throw God out of our lives once again? Or will we remember the kindness and gratitude we showed to each other? Will we continue to check on each other and build meaningful relationships with one another?  Will we continue to pray for and with one another and connect regardless of distance?

It is my hope that we all learn something from this pandemic and be better than we were before it began.  So today, let’s continue to slow down, reach out, help one another, say thank you, connect with each other, and praise God.  And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.