Self-Awareness – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Pouring Out

Last Sunday, May 24^th, was Pentecost Sunday. There was a Mass at The Father of Mercy Chapel, which is located at Our Lady of Sorrows Monastery in Toronto, OH. Celebrating Mass with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR is always a special event.

If I am being honest, Mass in general has been quite a challenge for me lately. I mean, I haven’t been getting a whole lot out of it. I am distracted, distant, and most of the time, annoyed – annoyed that another person has decided to sit next to me when there are plenty of open pews with no other attendees in any of those pews, annoyed by the families who allow their children to run through the church like it’s a playground, annoyed by the couple talking too loudly throughout the entire service, annoyed that the homily has gone in so many directions that I am now lost and have completely lost focus. To sum it up, I am simply annoyed when it comes to Sunday Mass. And that is not a good thing, but it is a human thing.

That annoyance has caused some serious introspection, particularly after the homily on Pentecost Sunday. While the homily did run the gamut for themes, ideas, and synopsis, I admittedly did get lost and irritated. But there was a profound statement that the homilist made about “pouring out”.

Pentecost is a time of “pouring out”, a pouring out of the Holy Spirit. Pentecost commemorates the day the Holy Spirit was poured out on the believers in a powerful, visible way, as tongues of fire. As described in Acts 2:1–4: a sound like a mighty wind filled the house, tongues of fire rested on each disciple, and they were filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in other tongues. And while the homily focused (at least initially) on this pouring out of the Holy Spirit, I was focused on a different pouring out, which has nothing to do with beer or bourbon.

The pouring out I visualized had to do with an emptying of self, pouring out all that is negative, destructive, cruel, manipulative, deceptive…fill in the blank with anything that is basically harmful. I felt like I was being told to pour out all the things that were weighing me down. Things like guilt, worry, resentment, bitterness, anger, and fear. This was a pouring out that I think I needed, to pour out those damaging thoughts and feelings that I think most of us tend to hold onto, that conversation that didn’t go as planned, that friend who turned out not to really be your friend, that job you wanted, that reaction you were expecting that didn’t come, etc. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to empty myself first, by pouring out those detrimental things to make room for all that He had in store for me. I had to be “empty” to make space for what God wants to pour out into me, which includes those fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I had to get rid of the bad to make room for the good.

I have realized that emptying negativity is a daily practice. You have to make space for joy. You have to make space for God. So what are you going to pour out today? Are you willing to make room for something better?

Some of the things we made room for last month

So today, let go of the negativity, make room for joy, and let the Holy Spirit pour out upon you. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Playing the Field

In my early twenties, I was convinced that I did not want to get married or have children. I wanted to be independent, self-sufficient, and free of any entanglements. I had too many interests, too many friends, and too many things that I wanted to do to be tied down. I was living life to its fullest without having to answer to anyone. Essentially, I wanted to “play the field.”

In reality, I probably suffered a little from what is now known as FOMO – fear of missing out. If I did not commit (to a person, to an invitation, to a position, to an event), I could do whatever I wanted without having to bend, give, or compromise. There were no concessions, no negotiations, no arbitrations. And if I didn’t like something, I could just move on to the next big thing.

Any opportunity to backpack is now my “next big thing”.

I had convinced myself that I liked being alone, that this type of freedom was exactly what I wanted. No commitments – to parties, to people, to activities, to anything. My only real obligations at that time of my life were to work and the gym.

I actually had a pretty serious relationship at that time…with my health club. We met every day after work and would spend at least an hour together. We would even get together on the weekends now and then for a couple of hours of running and weights. I was so committed to working out that I planned almost everything else around that singular activity. I could not meet my friends until I finished at the gym. If somebody wanted to go to happy hour after work, I normally declined because I had to go work out. Requests for dinner could only be arranged after I completed my fitness regimen. The health club was my church, my religion, my on-going relationship.

My relationship with working out is still pretty serious.

Now, that didn’t mean that I did not want relationships (platonic, friendly, or romantic) with people; I did. But when that relationship got too demanding, I would bolt. It was too much work, and I liked being able to do what I wanted to do, how I wanted to, and when I wanted to do it.

I think we do this in our relationship with God, too. We keep Him at arms distance because we don’t want to get too close. Some of us don’t even want the accountability that living a Christian life brings with it. So, we play the field. We keep our options open so we can make the decisions that we want to make and do what we want to do at the risk of our very salvation.

The most important relationships are the ones I have with my family.

And God accepts us for who we are and where we are because He loves us unconditionally. He wants a relationship with us, but He will not force it or impose Himself on us. He does not mind if we “play the field.” He lets us decide and He patiently waits until we get there. That is the freedom He gives us. That is the love He has for us. And that is a pretty amazing kind of love.

Looking back, maybe it wasn’t really playing the field at all. Maybe I was just being selfish. Maybe that is all playing the field really is, selfishness. I know that I was selfish in my twenties, but I have worked through a lot of that to make space for what is important, like my prayer life and my relationship with God. And I know that I am still selfish; it is just in different ways now and it is something that I continually work on.

While I know I may never be perfect (far from it), I will keep trying to make personal improvements. The Greek translation of perfect is whole or complete, not flawless. As in Matthew 5:4, we are called to “strive to be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.” A relationship with God leads to that whole or completeness, it leads to that perfection that Matthew references.

So today, make space for God, share some of your time with Him. You might be surprised by the peace that it brings you as you take one step closer to perfection. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Who knows you the best?

I attended morning mass yesterday, on the feast of St. Monica in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters TOR Monastery. With the school year back in full swing, I am finally getting back into my daily mass routine. Fr. John Bender said mass. When I saw his name on the mass schedule last week, I could not help but think of John Bender from the Breakfast Club. I am an 80’s girl, and I could probably recite most of that movie word for word. But I digress.

Fr. John had celebrated mass the previous week (8/22). And I really enjoyed his homily. I didn’t think it could get any better, but it did. Yesterday, he spoke about his work with seminarians. He stated that one of the first questions he asks new seminarians is, “Who knows you the best?”. According to Fr. John, most will answer their mother, maybe a grandparent, or God (which he indicated is always correct), but most people never answer themselves. In the formation of the seminarians, Fr. John gives them a talk about self-knowledge. He touches on resilience, courage, hope, and, ultimately, love in becoming self-aware. This homily struck me because that very morning, I was thinking about self-awareness.

How well do we really know ourselves? I think I know myself pretty well. I know that after a day of being outdoors, I will sleep better. I know that I am not coherent in the morning until I have had a cup of coffee. I know that when I have to have a difficult conversation or draft a challenging email, I need to stop, pause, take a walk, and then handle that task. I know that a good workout improves my mood. I know that when my left eye begins to twitch, I am stressed. I know that I am more relaxed when I know my son is safe at home after he has been out riding his motorcycle. I know that unproductive meetings physically drain me. I know that hiking and being in nature is restorative. I know that I rest better when my husband is asleep next to me. I know that cooking is a creative outlet, and the kitchen is my canvas. I know that time with my dogs calms me down when I am fired up. I know that my day will be more peaceful when I begin it with prayer AND mass. I also know that I become angry when I can’t control things. And I have realized that I have become judgmental about things that do not affect me and of which I have no control.

This last issue was the very thing I was pondering as I drove to mass that morning. I have noticed that uncharitable thoughts have been entering my mind more often than I care to admit. But why? Why was I making judgments about people, places, and situations that I knew nothing about and that had little, if any, impact on me? That is when I realized that I did not know myself as well as I thought. I could not pinpoint why this was happening or what was bothering me.

Although I am still discerning this, I do believe part of the cause is a lack of control. While I am not a control freak, I do like direction, a plan, a course of action, an agenda, and an anticipated outcome. I want to know what is next, and when things don’t go as planned, I become negative. When I don’t know what to expect, I get irritated. I don’t like disruption; I like order. I don’t like disturbance; I like routine. I like schedules, strictly followed. I like plans, shared in advance of an event, meeting, etc. I don’t like last-minute. I don’t like being late (me or others). I don’t like winging it.

I love the song Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon. However, I realize that I am not good at rolling with the changes. While I have become more adaptable as I have gotten older, I still prefer predictability. I have come to realize that I am a creature of habit when it comes to daily routines. I like my morning coffee, my time to pray and read, my workout time, and morning mass. I like to come home and walk the dogs. I like to have my weekly meetings scheduled in advance. I like to have a meal plan for the week. I like structure to my life, but I realize that cannot and will not always be possible. So, I guess I am becoming more self-aware, but only through God’s grace.

My husband says I am more peaceful and nicer to be around when I attend daily mass. I know this to be true. I am better with God. We all are.

So today, take a moment to see how well you know yourself, uncover what makes you tick, understand where you find joy, and see how God is related to all of that. And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.