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Peace

As I typed this, I was on a plane to Savannah; well actually Atlanta. I had a layover there. But honestly, who doesn’t have a layover in Atlanta. It is the busiest airport in the US. I gazed out the window, high above the clouds that looked almost like the ocean. I love the ocean. It brings me such peace. 

“It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”

The Alchemist, Paul Coelho

Although peace is what I have right now, – I am at peace with the turbulence of my flight, I am at peace with the work that I am heading to Savannah to do, I am at peace with tying up loose ends for my work with the Steubenville Catholic School’s, I am at peace with making preparations for my family, – the thought of my approaching surgery lingers in the back of mind like a shadow. It is overshadowing my peace, but it has not disturbed it just yet. Obviously, I missed mass Wednesday morning because of my early flight, but that didn’t disturb my peace either. God knew I would still begin my day spending time with Him. And I did, just not the way in which I normally would.   

Since this diagnosis. I have taken prayer requests. I figured the least I can do is offer this “inconvenience” for the benefit of others. So as the plane was de-iced yesterday morning I prayed a rosary for a dear friend and her intentions.

Fast-forward 24 hours and I’m catching my Lyft to the airport. My driver was Edward, a delightful Army veteran. He and his wife have been married for 47 years, have 4 children (one child died a day after birth) and have lived all over the world. He served in Desert Storm and he told me, “I am one of those people who believe in God.” I liked him right away. We had some wonderful conversations about family, faith and life. When he dropped me off, I shook his hand, thanked him for his service and said May God bless you.

I don’t normally close conversations with strangers in that manner, but I did without even thinking. Maybe because I know God has blessed me. Maybe because I know that people are praying me for near and far. People whom I know well and people whom I don’t even know at all. I appreciate those prayers, those well wishes and good thoughts, those positive vibes and good juju, more than you know. And I can feel them because I am at peace as I approach Mondays surgery date.

The Carmelites sister in Savannah, GA are praying for me. In fact, they are offering their Monday mass for me. My TOR sisters are praying for me and prayed with me earlier  this week. I will have an anointing of the sick just days before surgery. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my husbands co-workers, my Crusader family, my Facebook community, my acquaintances, my neighbors and even strangers are praying for me. I know I have nothing to worry about. 

As I was flying back into Atlanta on my return home today, I was reading The Alchemist.  A line from that book struck me; “It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”  I would have called you crazy if you told me that a few years ago. But I truly believe that now. Spending time with the Franciscan sisters confirmed that for me. But now, I am experiencing that for myself. 

Thank you for your prayers. I ask that you please pray for me in a special way on Monday as I will undergo another biopsy and surgery. As always, I will continue to pray for you

Living the Dream

Surprisingly, to others and to myself, I am in a good place right now. You would think that someone facing cancer and a mastectomy in less than two weeks, along with the uncertainty of knowing the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan, might be in a dark, soulless, sad place. I’m not. I am happy, I am at ease, I am content. I am not scared, I am not worried, I am not anxious. In a word, I am peaceful.

When I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am as surprised as anybody by my mental and emotional state. I mean, shouldn’t I be stressed? Shouldn’t I be frazzled? Shouldn’t I be dismayed? Shouldn’t I be nervous? Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

And then I saw a quote shared by a friend on Facebook that read, “You can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” It really struck me. You see, God and I weren’t really close friends until about two and a half years ago. I mean I believed in God, but I didn’t really have a relationship with Him outside of attending the obligatory Sunday service. And even that didn’t happen with much regularity. I was pretty closed off to God. He was some far distant being that I really didn’t understand and I was pretty certain He did not really know me.

Inspired by my work with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR; I decided I would give a relationship with God a chance. I mean, I was working for these women who had these incredible relationships with God, but I really didn’t. They were happy, joyful, peaceful. I was not. The difference, God was a part of their lives; God was not a part of mine.

So I began attending Sunday mass regularly, then a couple of masses during the week. At first it was sporadic, but then it grew into attending the daily mass. I would skip Saturday, because I thought I needed to sleep in. Yes, lame, I know. Then one Saturday, I was awake early, so I went to mass. Over the course of a few months, it developed into a daily habit…attending mass. I know that habit developed because of the influence of the sisters.

I have been attending daily mass for just over two years. Now on the days, that I do not go to mass, there is a little bit of an emptiness. I miss it. It affects the rest of my day. Fortunately, the days that I miss are few and far between because daily mass is a priority for me. And while I no longer work for the sisters, I still try to attend mass at the monastery at least once a week.

Most of my mornings begin with mass at the high school or at Holy Rosary (the church is right across the street from the school and they have a 7:00am mass Tuesday-Friday). But today I decided to attend 8:00am morning mass at my own parish, Holy Family. I knew the pastor would hear my confession this morning, and I wanted to get right with the Lord before surgery.

There was a reason I was at that mass. Aside from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation and seeing some people whom I have not seen in a while, Monsignor’s homily spoke directly to me. It was based on the responsorial psalm, and the theme – trust in the Lord, do not fear. He asked the congregation, “Do you trust in God? If you do, you will not be afraid.” It was in that moment that I realized that I truly do trust in God to handle this whole cancer thing for me, because I am not afraid. I am at peace. I am happy. Overall, my life is great and I am living the dream. I’m just living the dream with a little bit of cancer.

Yes, there are moments when doubt and fear creep in. There are moments when the uncertainty overwhelms me. I would be lying if said that didn’t happen. It does, but not often. Generally, I am good. No, scratch that, I am great! I got this, because God has got this.

So I will heed the advice contained in Psalm 56, “In God I trust, I shall not fear”. The verse that really touched me, 10B-11: “Now I know that God is with me. In God, in whose promise I glory, in God I trust without fear; what can flesh do against me?” That mass, that homily, that verse reinforced for me that you truly “can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” A little cancer can’t break me.

So today, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. Trust in God and don’t let anything break you. Please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

Living Within The Chaos

This memory came up today on my Facebook feed. It is crazy to look back and see where I was a year ago and just how things have progressed since then. This post, from exactly a year ago, couldn’t be any more true today. So I will live within the chaos and trust that God is good, all the time.

While flying to Atlanta today I was reading the book Girl, Wash Your Face. I got to the chapter, Other Peoples Kids Are So Much Cleaner. It’s funny how that was the chapter where I had left off several days earlier. The whole chapter is about accepting the craziness of your life, living within the busyness of your life, embracing your own chaos.

This chapter could not have been more appropriate as I settled into my seat on my flight to Atlanta. Life, especially over the past year, has been crazy. 2018 was tumultuous and I had been looking forward to a more peaceful 2019. That peacefulness was shattered the second day into the new year.

2019 has already had a number of ups and downs and we are not even out of the first month. None of which I have had any type of control over. I like control, I like to be in control of my life, my plans, my schedule, my surroundings, everything. Control and I are close friends. I wouldn’t say I’m a control freak, but maybe others would disagree.

Today began much the same way as 2019 had started. My original flight was delayed, then it was changed. I was rerouted from New York to Atlanta. However my luggage was still sent to New York. Exactly what could I do about any of this? The answer is live within the chaos, accept it for what it is and adjust as needed. Getting angry and upset and letting the frustration of these turn of events ruin my day would not be of any help. Yes, it’s inconvenient. But nobody is sick, nobody is dying, nobody is stranded, cold or hungry. In the grand scheme of things, this really is no big deal.

So today (and hopefully everyday after) I will embrace the chaos. I will accept that I am not in control of everything, in fact I am learning that I am in control of very little. And in those stressful, frustrating moments I will stop and thank God for all that is good in my life and trust that He is in control.

And somehow today, my luggage arrived in Houston on a flight from LaGuardia just 10 minutes after I did. God is good. All the time.

It was ironic to read this first thing this morning. In a way, I am in the exact same place I was last year at this time, it just looks a little different now. I am less than two weeks away from surgery and I just need to remember that things are never as bleak as they might seem. And I am not in control.

The reverend mother used to tell me not to worry, that God is in control. She would point to the heavens and say “He’s in charge”; so I will just trust that God has got my back. He will take care of everything. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Love at First Sight

In early December I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, checking on friend’s updates and reading their story when I came across this picture of a really cute guy.  I have to admit, I was a bit taken by the photo, so much so that I had to read the profile. But the picture.  Wow.  I ended my Facebook session, but could not get the picture out of my head.

For the next week I would go back and look at the picture and re-read the profile.  I have to admit, it felt a little bit like I was cheating on my entire family I was so caught up by this photo.  I would log into Facebook just to look at him.  I finally took a screen shot so I could view it from my own photos.  Logging in and out of Facebook was consuming a lot of time, just to look at a photo.

After about a week, I finally got up the courage to send a Facebook message. I was smitten and really needed to reach out. I got a response and we scheduled a meeting for Saturday December 21st. I was so excited and so nervous. What if we met and I didn’t like him? Worst yet, what if he didn’t like me? The initial meeting went well, so well in fact that he came home with me. By that evening he was in my bed.

He has been in my bed every night since that meeting. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding and loves him almost as much as I do. Who knew we needed a puppy? Who knew I needed a puppy?

His name is Charlie Boy and I call him my therapy dog.  And he really has been my therapy dog.  He has made me forget about most of the thoughts that have consumed my mind these past few weeks.  He is pure love, joy, and trust.  Just looking at him makes me smile and he always looks like he is smiling back at me.  He has made me profoundly happy.  He cuddles, and nuzzles, and snuggles.  He will follow me around the house, sit by my feet while I make dinner, and lie on my lap while I read.  He will bring me toys to play with him, wrestle with his canine sisters in the living room then all three of them will fall asleep in front of the fire.

The thing is, this probably wasn’t the ideal time for us to adopt a puppy with all that has been going on in our world.  But if not now, when?  We could have waited for conditions to be perfect to add a third dog to our house, but then we would have never adopted another dog. 

But Charlie Boy arrived at the time when I needed him most.  And it honestly was love at first sight for me when I first saw his photo. There was something about his cute little face, black and pink speckled nose and that one floppy ear.  I knew we needed to add him to our family and we weren’t even looking for another dog. 

Yes, Charlie Boy (formerly Scout) needed a forever home, but I think I needed him more.  I call him my cancer dog, but he has made me forget about cancer and everything that is on the horizon that cancer brings with it.  Charlie Boy has made me focus more on the moment at hand.  And his trust in me is unbelievable.  He trusts me completely.  And when he is frightened or nervous or unsure, the first place he comes is to me. He knows I will take care of whatever might be of concern to him.  He reminds me that I need to trust God in all of this; that He will take care of everything. 

So Charlie Boy, my therapy dog, has been the perfect addition to our family.  And my husband was on board from the beginning.  He asked when I was going to complete the application for adoption, when was I going to follow-up to see if we were approved, when were we going to meet our new addition.  Were it not for him hounding me about getting this new puppy, Charlie might not have been part of our family and an integral part of my sanity. 

He has taught me a lot about living in the moment, not waiting for everything to perfect and most of all about trust.  I read a quote somewhere that angels are often disguised as dogs.  If that is true, then I am truly blessed because I have three that protect me and love me unconditionally.   And I believe that it is true.  There is no other way to explain how Charlie came into our lives. 

So today, keep your eyes open for the angels in your life.  They just might have four legs, fur, a wet nose and puppy breathe.  And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.