Tag: #content

Surprisingly, to others and to myself, I am in a good place right now. You would think that someone facing cancer and a mastectomy in less than two weeks, along with the uncertainty of knowing the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan, might be in a dark, soulless, sad place. I’m not. I am happy, I am at ease, I am content. I am not scared, I am not worried, I am not anxious. In a word, I am peaceful.

When I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am as surprised as anybody by my mental and emotional state. I mean, shouldn’t I be stressed? Shouldn’t I be frazzled? Shouldn’t I be dismayed? Shouldn’t I be nervous? Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

And then I saw a quote shared by a friend on Facebook that read, “You can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” It really struck me. You see, God and I weren’t really close friends until about two and a half years ago. I mean I believed in God, but I didn’t really have a relationship with Him outside of attending the obligatory Sunday service. And even that didn’t happen with much regularity. I was pretty closed off to God. He was some far distant being that I really didn’t understand and I was pretty certain He did not really know me.

Inspired by my work with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR; I decided I would give a relationship with God a chance. I mean, I was working for these women who had these incredible relationships with God, but I really didn’t. They were happy, joyful, peaceful. I was not. The difference, God was a part of their lives; God was not a part of mine.

So I began attending Sunday mass regularly, then a couple of masses during the week. At first it was sporadic, but then it grew into attending the daily mass. I would skip Saturday, because I thought I needed to sleep in. Yes, lame, I know. Then one Saturday, I was awake early, so I went to mass. Over the course of a few months, it developed into a daily habit…attending mass. I know that habit developed because of the influence of the sisters.

I have been attending daily mass for just over two years. Now on the days, that I do not go to mass, there is a little bit of an emptiness. I miss it. It affects the rest of my day. Fortunately, the days that I miss are few and far between because daily mass is a priority for me. And while I no longer work for the sisters, I still try to attend mass at the monastery at least once a week.

Most of my mornings begin with mass at the high school or at Holy Rosary (the church is right across the street from the school and they have a 7:00am mass Tuesday-Friday). But today I decided to attend 8:00am morning mass at my own parish, Holy Family. I knew the pastor would hear my confession this morning, and I wanted to get right with the Lord before surgery.

There was a reason I was at that mass. Aside from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation and seeing some people whom I have not seen in a while, Monsignor’s homily spoke directly to me. It was based on the responsorial psalm, and the theme – trust in the Lord, do not fear. He asked the congregation, “Do you trust in God? If you do, you will not be afraid.” It was in that moment that I realized that I truly do trust in God to handle this whole cancer thing for me, because I am not afraid. I am at peace. I am happy. Overall, my life is great and I am living the dream. I’m just living the dream with a little bit of cancer.

Yes, there are moments when doubt and fear creep in. There are moments when the uncertainty overwhelms me. I would be lying if said that didn’t happen. It does, but not often. Generally, I am good. No, scratch that, I am great! I got this, because God has got this.

So I will heed the advice contained in Psalm 56, “In God I trust, I shall not fear”. The verse that really touched me, 10B-11: “Now I know that God is with me. In God, in whose promise I glory, in God I trust without fear; what can flesh do against me?” That mass, that homily, that verse reinforced for me that you truly “can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” A little cancer can’t break me.

So today, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. Trust in God and don’t let anything break you. Please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.