What’s in it for me? Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.
This really started with going to Sunday mass. You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily. Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses. Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful.
Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest. I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass. But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience.
While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service. In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me. I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy. I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.
At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love. But, you know, sometimes change is good. So, we tried a different parish. And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious. There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life. Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it. Because I don’t want to be there. And that makes me feel guilty.
This is not a good feeling for me. Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored. But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry. I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service. So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while. He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.” And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear. I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable. That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass.
Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness. And that’s when the backslide began. So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”. And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us. We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him. So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life. Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me.
So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others. And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 