Tag: #sinner

What’s In It For Me?

What’s in it for me?  Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.

This really started with going to Sunday mass.  You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily.  Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses.  Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful. 

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Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest.  I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass.  But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate.  “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience. 

While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service.  In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me.  I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy.  I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.

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At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love.  But, you know, sometimes change is good.  So, we tried a different parish.  And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious.  There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life.  Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it.  Because I don’t want to be there.  And that makes me feel guilty. 

This is not a good feeling for me.  Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored.  But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry.  I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service.  So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.    

Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while.  He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.”  And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear.  I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable.  That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass. 

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Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness.  And that’s when the backslide began.  So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”.  And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us.  We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him.  So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life.  Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me. 

Tux the Cat stayed with me while I convalesced

So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others.  And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself.    And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Worthy

“Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.” These are the words of Peter from the Thursday morning gospel and they likely ring true for each one of us. How many times have you not felt worthy of a relationship with God, not worthy of the love that He has for you? It is easy to feel that way, we are human. We struggle, we fail, we sin, we repent. And then, if you are anything like me, you do it all over again (and again, and again). How could God possibly love me, why would He want a relationship with me, a repeat sinner. How many times have I said, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am sinful.”? How many times have I pushed God away because of my transgressions?

But who were Jesus’ closest friends– outcasts, thieves, lawbreakers, delinquents, wrongdoers, in a word – sinners. These people were far from perfect, but that is exactly who God uses to build His kingdom, to spread the gospel and to share His love. I mean, Jesus chose Peter to be the founder of the modern church. Peter who was a married fisherman, who at times lacked faith, and who even denied knowing Christ – not once, not twice, but three times – in the moments prior to Jesus’ crucifixion. Yes, Peter was a sinner and Peter was the first Pope of the Catholic Church. Peter certainly didn’t feel worthy, but that didn’t matter. Christ chose Peter. God had greater plans for Peter than he could have ever imagined.

The reading from Thursday’s mass was from one of Paul’s letters to the Colossians. So let’s look at Paul, another sinner who was called by God for greater service. Prior to hearing God’s call, Paul persecuted the early followers of Christ. Paul sought out Christians. He encouraged the punishment of those who followed Jesus Christ and believed he was the Messiah. It is believed that he even supported the death penalty for Christians. Then he had his conversion on the road to Damascus. Talk about a sinful man, talk about not feeling worthy. This man decried Christ, denounced Christianity and persecuted those who followed Jesus. And God called him, God chose him. God had a greater plan for Paul.

I find it amazing, in the Bible alone, how God calls to sinners and makes them saints. How God uses people where they are to share His word, to spread His message, to build His kingdom. But I also find it amazing how God uses people today – everyday – to do the very same thing. Think about the people with whom you interact every day. Then think about the interactions that you have with them. Think about the little ways in which they are spreading the word of God. I bet it is in ways in which they don’t even realize. But if you take time to look at those interactions, I bet you will see God’s love for you and for others.

For example, I work in the Catholic Schools. When I tell you that our teachers and staff are selfless, I truly mean it. These are people to walking examples of Christ’s love. They don’t only teach the gospel, they live it. From taking time to help a student who is struggling with a particular subject, to checking up on co-workers, to spending time coaching, tutoring, and volunteering, to participating in mass, leading bible studies, or just sharing their faith with others. They are spreading the word of God with the Love of Christ.

And it is not limited to those who work in faith-based environments. It’s the server in the restaurant who makes that extra effort to make you feel special, or your son pouring a glass of juice for you when you wake up groggy in the middle of the night (yes, that is a real life experience, right there), or your spouse doing the dishes because you’re not feeling great (another real life experience), or your friend sending a text just to see how you are doing, or you Mom calling to tell you she loves you, or the neighbor bringing over fresh vegetables from their garden. It is all those random acts of kindness, those little moments where you can see Christ through the action of others, when others are being Christ to you.

While none of us may feel worthy of a relationship with God, or to be called by Christ, we are. God chose each of us. He sent his son to die for us. It is through Christ’s suffering and death that we are made worthy. God calls each of us to love (a direct quote from Fr. Tom’s homily), despite our sinfulness, or maybe because of our sinfulness. He has a greater plan for each of us. God wants us to share in the building of His kingdom, in spreading the gospel, in sharing His love. How are we going share and show that love to others? How are we going to be Christ for another person? Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.