#eucharist – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

What’s In It For Me?

What’s in it for me? Do you ever find yourself asking that very question, particularly when you are asked to do something? I never thought of myself as particularly selfish, but I find myself pondering this very question more and more often whenever I am asked, no whenever I have to do something, anything.

This really started with going to Sunday mass. You see, I typically go to daily morning mass, Monday through Friday and enjoy it immensely. I always take something away from the readings, the gospel, or the homily. Sometimes it is the psalms and the responses. Sometimes it’s a song (at the churches that have music during their weekday mass). Sometimes it is just the fellowship of the people who are also there each morning celebrating the mystery of the Holy Eucharist with me that make it meaningful.

Photo by David Eucaristu00eda on Pexels.com

Just last Friday when I attended morning mass, there were only three of us celebrating and that included the priest. I’ll be honest, at first, I thought, this is a little strange, so few people at morning mass. But it turned out to be extremely blessed and intimate. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am with them.” — Matthew 18:20. It was a profound experience.

While I have these wonderful weekly experiences, of being fed spiritually and even socially, during weekday mass, I don’t enjoy that same experience during the Sunday service. In fact, if I am being honest, I dread going. It is not the same experience or even the same atmosphere. It feels pretentious and fake to me. I cannot follow the homilies; they are so convoluted. The service itself is so drawn out, even ostentatious with the changes to the Gloria and the Holy, Holy. I find myself completely distracted during mass and become irritated and tense.

At first, I thought it was simply the parish where I was attending mass. And this is a parish that I absolutely love. But, you know, sometimes change is good. So, we tried a different parish. And while I connected more with the homily, I still found myself distracted and anxious. There is a lot that I just don’t understand, and I have been Catholic my entire life. Everything feels forced and attending makes me feel fake, because I’m not feeling it. Because I don’t want to be there. And that makes me feel guilty.

This is not a good feeling for me. Why do I love the experience, the interaction through the week but loathe it on the weekend? I love going to mass during the week because each day I feel my faith being nourished and restored. But when Sunday rolls around I find myself dreading the arrival of mass time, feeling anxious and frustrated and even angry. I’m not getting anything out of the Sunday service. So, I have found myself asking, “What’s in it for me?”, because I’m not feeling nourished and restored when I leave mass on the weekends.

Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a priest friend of mine, who very gently called me out about not going to Sunday mass, because I had been skipping out for quite a while. He pointed out that “Sunday masses are the ones that it is a sin to miss – even a mortal sin.” And this wasn’t mass shaming, it was telling me what I needed to hear. I was sinning, I knew I was sinning, but needed someone to hold me accountable. That’s when I got my act together, went to confession and got back to Sunday mass.

Then I got sick and had to miss mass because of my illness. And that’s when the backslide began. So, as I am trying to get myself back to church, I find myself asking again “what’s in it for me?”. And once again I am reminded of something profound Fr. Michael had said which was reiterated recently in a homily by Fr. Drake, and that is at we are there for Jesus, not for us. We are there to celebrate God’s great love for us, to worship, praise and honor Him. So, “what’s in it for me?”…God, God’s love, and a chance for me to thank God for the many blessings in my life. Looks like there is a whole lot in it for me.

Tux the Cat stayed with me while I convalesced

So today, remind yourself that its not always about what’s in it for you, but maybe about what you give back to others. And maybe when you give back to others, you’ll really find out what’s in it for you; love, gratitude, empathy, goodness, compassion, and God Himself. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

The Obvious and The Extraordinary

Thoughts about confession, mass, Satan and God

Have you ever felt like the whole world was conspiring against you to keep you away from God? Maybe I am over dramatizing here, but that is exactly how I have felt these past couple of days. I have felt like God has been so far out of reach, and everything I try doesn’t bring Him any closer.

https://www.franciscansisterstor.org/about/spirituality-and-charisms/father-of-mercy-chapel

I awoke early this morning and was ready to leave the house well before my normal 6:30am departure. I jumped in the car and headed to the Father of Mercy Chapel for morning mass. This is where I normally attend Monday morning mass. However, when I arrived this morning, the doors were locked. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I had spent that morning drive pondering how I would pray morning prayer. I had left my prayer books at work over the weekend. They were lying on my desk. I had been making a mental plan of how to approach morning prayer for the past 20 minutes. Never did I image that the doors to chapel would be locked. I knocked. No answer. I stood dumbfounded wondering if God knew I was standing outside, wondering why I could not get in.

The prayer booklets I left on my desk at work.

With an air of desperation, I turned and walked down the stairs and back to my car. While doing so, I checked the emailed mass schedule that I had received for the month of October. Mass wasn’t being held today until 8:15am. I drove to work.

This was the second, third or fourth time in the past 24 hours in which I had felt alienated from God (not alienated by God).

I thought this picture capture alienation perfectly. Taken at the Stone Lodge in Beatty Park.

Yesterday evening, I had this incredible desire to go to confession. You should know, this is not something for which I ever have a yearning – ever. Confession is a challenge for me – extremely difficult, yet yesterday evening I had this “pull” or felt this need to go. And I really wanted to go immediately, but that wasn’t possible.

I contacted a few of my priest friends hoping to be able to go this morning, fully expecting this to be possible. Only it wasn’t. Nobody was hearing confessions on this dismal, gray and drizzling Monday morning. It was kind of like, three strikes and you’re out. I had contacted 3 priests. I was truly dumfounded. I mean, I actually wanted to go to confession, and I couldn’t. God felt so far out of reach last night and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I worried that my longing to receive the sacrament of confession would wane as time passed. I went to bed, contemplating this and what it really meant. Still, I planned to attend mass, but for the first time in a very long time, not receive the Eucharist. All because of this great need to confess my sins to a priest and receive absolution.

As I awoke this morning from one of the deepest sleeps in which I have been in a very long time, I felt a renewed sense of the need to attend morning mass. To discover only an hour later, the doors locked and no one answering my knock, deflated me. I left the hilltop, defeated. As I was descending the hill from the monastery, I began reflecting on how I had been intending to not receive communion this morning. Then I began wondering why getting to God was so difficult these past few days, I mean really difficult.

Satan is real and evil permeates our society. These things you can clearly see if you just look at our world today. All you have to do is turn on the news or read the paper. There is too much evil.

I began to think that this was the devil trying to undermine my relationship with Christ. I mean, I couldn’t find a priest to hear my confession this morning – not one, not two, but three were unavailable. I had left my prayer books at work, lying on my desk. And then the doors to the chapel were locked. LOCKED! I was locked out, away from God.

But as I pulled into my parking space at work, I had a different realization. I realized that perhaps, all of these things were a blessing, and all of these things were orchestrated by divine intervention. Sounds weird, right? But not being able to find a priest to hear my confession today has given me a greater opportunity to examine my conscience, to reflect on my sins and to better prepare for absolution. And yes, I still intend to go, it just might not be as soon as I would like. And the doors being locked and mass being at a different time, I think that was to help me avoid the temptation to receive the body of Christ while not in a state of grace. Yes, I would have been tempted to do that. I probably would have gone to communion had I gone to mass this morning, even if I was thinking that I wouldn’t. It is difficult to explain, and I am sure there are many who understand where I am coming from. But I truly believe it was God’s gentle hand protecting me from falling even further from grace.

Just moments before I arrived at the chapel, I had been listen to the song Fallen, by Sarah McLaughlin. It was almost prophetic for how I have been feeling lately. But I know there is redemption and there is grace and that God does work in mysterious ways. By all accounts, my Monday morning did not go as I had planned, it was a bit mysterious the way in which it unfolded. It seemed obvious that someone or something was trying to undermine my peace. But, in the end, I truly believe it was in my best interest. I just had to look beyond the obvious to see the extraordinary love of God.

So today, look beyond the obvious and find the extraordinary. Everything does, indeed, happen for a reason. And Today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Who Is In Your Family?

I am always amazed by how many people fill the pews for the weekday morning masses at Holy Rosary. It is usually the same group of people each morning, but still I am surprised by the number.

There are a couple of teachers from the high school and some parents and students. They are scattered throughout the church. It is so wonderful to see our teachers and these young people celebrating mass together with their parents. There is the same group that prays morning prayer together and the woman who prays the rosary first thing in the morning. She and I always great each other with nod and wink each morning. There’s the football coach who attends each morning, and the legion of retired coaches who also attend each day. They typically sit together near the back of the church. There are two deacons’ and their wives; one of them is usually assisting in the mass, and the others (wives included) typical serve as the Eucharistic ministers. Then there are the elderly couples, the widows and widowers who attend faithfully each morning sitting in the same spot each time.

Because we all attend mass together, we know one another by sight. But the sharing of the Eucharist brings us together as a family. I was actually reflecting on that very thought this morning. While we are not intimate friends, we share in a type of relationship or bond through the celebration of mass. Even though I do not know these people well, in fact, for many of them I don’t even know their names; but I know that we share a common belief, a united faith and love of God. That makes us a family.

So today’s gospel could not have been more timely. The gospel from Luke 8: 19-21, albeit brief, it is packed with meaning. “Then his mother and his brothers came to him but were unable to join him because of the crowd. He was told, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside and they wish to see you.’ He said to them in reply, ‘My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and act on it.’”

The first time I heard this gospel, I thought, “Wow, Jesus is totally disregarding his mother. Would Jesus really do that?” But over time, as I read and re-read this passage, pondered and reflected on it, I realized that Mary and Jesus’ family, had already heard the word of God and were acting on it. They got it, they were serving God. Jesus uses this as teachable moment (of course he does). This was invitation to everybody else to become part of Christ’s larger family – the Church family. Jesus wasn’t disregarding his family; he was inviting us to become a part of his family that goes beyond blood relatives. He is inviting us to put the word of God into action, to serve, to be an example, to share the love of God with others.

The people, with whom I attend mass, whether it is at Holy Rosary, at the high school, at Holy Family, at Blessed Sacrament or at the Monastery, those people are part of a larger family, the family of Christ. I am grateful for them, for their prayers, and for their faith; for their love of God, for their devotion to celebrating week day mass, and for their nods, winks and knowing smiles that we are all part of a larger family; that we are brothers and sisters in Christ.

As I walked out of mass, this morning, I smiled and nodded at the people whom I really didn’t know and said hello to those that I do. And today, my nod and wink friend and I talked after mass. I actually knew her, but it has been years since she had seen me and didn’t recognize me. I had gone to grade school and high school with sons and daughter, however, they were a few years older than me. We talked for a few moments, mostly about how quickly time flies and how old we both felt at that moment. However, at that moment, we did feel like family.

Today, remember all of those people who have touched your life in some small way, think about your family – both the blood relations and those who are part of your larger family – and maybe offer a prayer for those people. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Eucharist

I don’t know about you, but there is something about going to mass and receiving the Holy Eucharist that is restoring for me. But I have to admit that when I go up in the communion line and I get to the priest and he gives me part of the host that has been elevated during consecration, not the round alter bread host that is typically distributed, but a piece that is broken off, I get this sense of joy. I know I am not only one who feels this way. So I am just going to put it out there. I’m just going say it: it’s a big deal for me when this occurs. I kind of feel like a little kid at Christmas opening that one present that you just could not wait to get. I am almost giddy when it occurs.

There are days that I really need that. And when it happens, I feel like God really has heard me. And it seems like He knows those days when I need that reassurance and He always comes through for me.

Thursday – the Memorial of the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary – was one of those days. I attended mass at the Franciscan Sisters TOR of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother’s Monastery. Their Father of Mercy chapel is beautiful and the masses are always inspiring. But this mass was a bit difficult for me. You see, there are days that I desperately miss being there and working for the sisters. Thursday was one of those days. And it hit me all at once when I walked through the doors.

I arrived early for mass. So early, in fact, that I was able to participate in morning prayer, something I used to do on a regular basis. And then I realized that Fr. Jonathan was saying mass. I always love his homilies; it always seems like he is speaking directly to me. So Thursday morning was a nostalgic moment for me, and it brought about some deep sadness because I know those days are behind me and I can’t go back. My heart broke a little bit that morning, and I know God knew I was struggling.

I know we never really know what God has planned for us. When I had started working for the sisters back in 2015, I thought sure it had to be some kind of joke. I mean I wasn’t the most faithful Catholic. In fact, I was so far away from my faith I don’t even know if you could call me a Catholic. I mean I went to mass; I went through the motions. But that was about it. I didn’t really have a good relationship, any relationship for that matter, with God. So when God led me to the sisters, I kind of thought it was a joke. I really thought it wouldn’t last six month. But it turns out it was part of His greater plan to lead me back to Him.

I was quite happy there, so much so that my husband and son noticed a change in me. It was joy. After years of working in advancement, I found peace and joy in my work. I also found my faith and cultivated my relationship with God. So imagine my disappointment when I had to leave them. It was difficult, extremely difficult, because they had become family to me. And then I had to go. It certainly disrupted my joy and peace. I wasn’t sure where God was leading me and I certainly didn’t understand why it was happening.

And while I know all of this is part of God’s greater plan and designed for His ultimate glory, it still stings a little to be there for mass and know that I am not staying. I am just a visitor now, not really part of the family anymore. That’s why Thursday was difficult.

So I asked God to see me through the mass and give me the strength and the courage to do His will. And I knew that He had heard me when I went up to communion and Fr. Jonathon held up the Body of Christ. I have attended mass in that very chapel, literally, hundreds of times. I have never once received part of the elevated host. Never. So what are the odds that I would on this day?

I know it was God telling me that He heard me, that He is with me. It was Him telling me that I am right where I am supposed to be, I am where He needs me and wants me rights now. It was God reminding me, has He has for the past few months, to be patient, to trust Him, and have faith.

God has a plan for each of us; we may not always see it or understand it as it is unfolding. We just need to be patient, to trust and to have faith. So today I will be patient, I will trust God and I will have faith that everything will work out as He intends. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.