#chapel – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

The Obvious and The Extraordinary

Thoughts about confession, mass, Satan and God

Have you ever felt like the whole world was conspiring against you to keep you away from God? Maybe I am over dramatizing here, but that is exactly how I have felt these past couple of days. I have felt like God has been so far out of reach, and everything I try doesn’t bring Him any closer.

https://www.franciscansisterstor.org/about/spirituality-and-charisms/father-of-mercy-chapel

I awoke early this morning and was ready to leave the house well before my normal 6:30am departure. I jumped in the car and headed to the Father of Mercy Chapel for morning mass. This is where I normally attend Monday morning mass. However, when I arrived this morning, the doors were locked. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I had spent that morning drive pondering how I would pray morning prayer. I had left my prayer books at work over the weekend. They were lying on my desk. I had been making a mental plan of how to approach morning prayer for the past 20 minutes. Never did I image that the doors to chapel would be locked. I knocked. No answer. I stood dumbfounded wondering if God knew I was standing outside, wondering why I could not get in.

The prayer booklets I left on my desk at work.

With an air of desperation, I turned and walked down the stairs and back to my car. While doing so, I checked the emailed mass schedule that I had received for the month of October. Mass wasn’t being held today until 8:15am. I drove to work.

This was the second, third or fourth time in the past 24 hours in which I had felt alienated from God (not alienated by God).

I thought this picture capture alienation perfectly. Taken at the Stone Lodge in Beatty Park.

Yesterday evening, I had this incredible desire to go to confession. You should know, this is not something for which I ever have a yearning – ever. Confession is a challenge for me – extremely difficult, yet yesterday evening I had this “pull” or felt this need to go. And I really wanted to go immediately, but that wasn’t possible.

I contacted a few of my priest friends hoping to be able to go this morning, fully expecting this to be possible. Only it wasn’t. Nobody was hearing confessions on this dismal, gray and drizzling Monday morning. It was kind of like, three strikes and you’re out. I had contacted 3 priests. I was truly dumfounded. I mean, I actually wanted to go to confession, and I couldn’t. God felt so far out of reach last night and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I worried that my longing to receive the sacrament of confession would wane as time passed. I went to bed, contemplating this and what it really meant. Still, I planned to attend mass, but for the first time in a very long time, not receive the Eucharist. All because of this great need to confess my sins to a priest and receive absolution.

As I awoke this morning from one of the deepest sleeps in which I have been in a very long time, I felt a renewed sense of the need to attend morning mass. To discover only an hour later, the doors locked and no one answering my knock, deflated me. I left the hilltop, defeated. As I was descending the hill from the monastery, I began reflecting on how I had been intending to not receive communion this morning. Then I began wondering why getting to God was so difficult these past few days, I mean really difficult.

Satan is real and evil permeates our society. These things you can clearly see if you just look at our world today. All you have to do is turn on the news or read the paper. There is too much evil.

I began to think that this was the devil trying to undermine my relationship with Christ. I mean, I couldn’t find a priest to hear my confession this morning – not one, not two, but three were unavailable. I had left my prayer books at work, lying on my desk. And then the doors to the chapel were locked. LOCKED! I was locked out, away from God.

But as I pulled into my parking space at work, I had a different realization. I realized that perhaps, all of these things were a blessing, and all of these things were orchestrated by divine intervention. Sounds weird, right? But not being able to find a priest to hear my confession today has given me a greater opportunity to examine my conscience, to reflect on my sins and to better prepare for absolution. And yes, I still intend to go, it just might not be as soon as I would like. And the doors being locked and mass being at a different time, I think that was to help me avoid the temptation to receive the body of Christ while not in a state of grace. Yes, I would have been tempted to do that. I probably would have gone to communion had I gone to mass this morning, even if I was thinking that I wouldn’t. It is difficult to explain, and I am sure there are many who understand where I am coming from. But I truly believe it was God’s gentle hand protecting me from falling even further from grace.

Just moments before I arrived at the chapel, I had been listen to the song Fallen, by Sarah McLaughlin. It was almost prophetic for how I have been feeling lately. But I know there is redemption and there is grace and that God does work in mysterious ways. By all accounts, my Monday morning did not go as I had planned, it was a bit mysterious the way in which it unfolded. It seemed obvious that someone or something was trying to undermine my peace. But, in the end, I truly believe it was in my best interest. I just had to look beyond the obvious to see the extraordinary love of God.

So today, look beyond the obvious and find the extraordinary. Everything does, indeed, happen for a reason. And Today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Where is God?

Lately, I have been having great difficulty praying. I’m distracted, I lack focus, and sometimes altogether completely forget that I am even praying. I guess you could say I am going through a bit of a dry season.

You see, I have been praying fervently for several months, in fact, more like a year for some pretty specific intentions. I have devoted daily rosaries (usually more than one) to those specific intentions. I have prayed various Novenas for those same intentions, offered Divine Mercy Chaplets, and just had conversations with God imploring His help. And with each prayer, with each request, with each supplication, all I hear is a deafening silence. And more than that, I watch our country, our nation, our world fall farther and farther away from God and slip deeper and deeper into evil, maliciousness, hate and fear. It has truly made me wonder, “Where is God?”

With today being Monday, I had planned to start the week off with morning mass. Then my nineteen-year-old son offered to take his father and me out for breakfast this morning – his treat. When your almost adult son wants to spend time with you, you jump on it. So of course, my husband and I went out for an early, before work, breakfast with our son.

With breakfast on the table (no pun intended), I had just kind of accepted the fact that I was going to miss mass. I figured God would understand. I mean, like I said earlier, He really hasn’t been saying much lately. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if He could even hear me at all these days.

But as fate, or divine intervention, would have it, we finished our breakfast at 6:30am. I had plenty of time to make it for 7:15am mass at the Monastery, and thus continue with my normal Monday morning plan. While I did not arrive early enough to pray morning prayer with the sisters, I did arrive early enough to pray morning prayer on my own.

As I finished morning prayer, I began to read the daily reflection and discovered that today celebrates the Conversion of St. Paul. Just as I read that, Fr. Jonathan walked in. He would be the priest saying mass today. That, right there, is significant.

Fr. Jonathan’s homilies always speak to me. In fact, I was speaking with another priest who is a good friend of mine and I mentioned to him that there are specific priests whom I seek out (him also being one on my list), because I so enjoy their homilies. I also mentioned that I had not attended mass with Fr. Jonathan in quite some time. Then low and behold, here we were.

Fr. Jonathan saying mass is important and today being the celebration of the conversion of St. Paul is also meaningful. You see, I can identify with St. Paul on many levels. This is a guy who persecuted Christians, sought them out to arrest, torture and kill them. And this is who God called to evangelize, to teach, to spread his word. So if God called Paul, you can bet He is calling each one of us.

But Paul’s conversion was pretty earth shaking, right? Which could leave us waiting for our own “road to Damascus” experience. But conversion isn’t always so grandiose. The Catechism of the Catholic Church calls conversion “the movement of return to God”. That actually sounds rather peaceful.

In his homily, Fr. Jonathan asked us to think about what started each of us on our path to conversion. Who was our Ananias who helped direct us on own journey to and with God? That struck me in a profound way because I can say with 100% certainty that my journey began in that very Chapel with those very sisters.

My conversion began when I started working for those same sisters in the winter of 2015. Although at that time, I had no real relationship with God and I had no idea what conversion was. But those sisters were praying for me. I guess maybe they were praying for my conversion, maybe not. I just know that they were praying for me. And this conversion certainly didn’t happen all at once. It has been slow and gradual and on-going, but had it not been for them, I might still be very lost, not praying, not asking, not even wondering if God hears me.

Today, while I was wondering, “Where is God?” I got my answer, right there in the mass I didn’t think I would be able to attend; with the priest whose homilies I have been desperate to hear; in the chapel where my conversion began with the sisters who were my Ananias. Just when I thought that God didn’t hear me, that God wasn’t answering me, that God wasn’t with me…just when I asked, “God, where are you?” He answered me. He has been right here, the whole time. I have been so anxious, so angry, so fearful, and so preoccupied, I have simply failed to recognize His presence.

So today, think about your conversion story. Calm you mind, focus your attention, and be still. Where is God? He is with you, even when you fail to recognize His presence. And today please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Miracles, Gratitude and Life During the Pandemic

I have taken the shelter in place/stay at home order pretty seriously since it was instituted in mid-March. I have to; I am now considered to be in one of those high-risk groups since I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.

I will admit, I was not too excited when the schools closed, then the restaurants were ordered to serve take-out only, then the hair salons were shut down along with all other businesses that are considered non-essential. T.J Maxx is one of my favorite places to which to escape and engage in a little retail therapy. I thought it was a bit ridiculous, too precautious, a little bit over the top. In my opinion, it was overkill. But as things progressed and the coronavirus continued to spread rapidly, I began to understand, heed the warnings, and take the recommended precautions.

I have been working from home since Monday March 16^th. That was my last official day in the office. That was day I transferred my office at the high school to the dining room table in my home. It was also the same evening that we adopted a fourth dog – Bailey, a Staffordshire terrier puppy (we think) who was about 3 months old when we brought her home. My husband and I figured, since we both would be working from home for the next month, this would be the perfect time to add a new puppy to our pack.

That first week of the shelter in place order, I kind of took it seriously. I stayed home more, but still went to the store often, went into the office to pick up mail, etc. and even stopped to see my mom and show her my new puppy. Then there was a confirmed case in our county and things got real. I made it a point to stay home and avoid unnecessary contact with people. I began planning weekly meals so I could limit my grocery shopping to only once a week (or longer when possible). I began ordering more products on-line, including items for our pets and general necessities like laundry detergent and paper towels. The stay at home order took on a whole new meaning.

Staying healthy has become a bit of an obsession for me. I am preparing nutrient rich, vegetable heavy dinners, working out daily, and walking the dogs approximately 5 miles every day. While I hope I do not appear rude during those walks, I have been very conscious of social distancing and will not get close to my neighbors when we do have conversations. And I try to limit any face to face social discourse. I nearly had a panic attack when a neighbor walked into our yard to comment on the fence project my husband and son took on during the pandemic. He was just a little too close for me.

Greek chicken and roasted spring vegetables

I have rescheduled all doctor’s appointments and avoid the grocery store when I anticipate that it will be busy. I have taken advantage of the special shopping hours available for the elderly and those who are a higher risk. I never thought that would be the case, but it is. And if at any time I begin to feel even remotely ill, I tackle it head on. That usually means, hot tea, a good stiff shot, extra vitamin C, and more rest.

Overall, as a family, I think we have adjusted well to life during the pandemic. As I mentioned before, I am appreciating this slower pace, more time with family, the opportunities to connect with friends, the meaningful conversations, the chance to declutter a bit in all aspects of our lives.

But today, today was the first day that I ventured out of the house and into the school in nearly four weeks. While I have been successfully working from home, there were a few things that I just could not accomplish remotely. I went in after virtual morning mass and arrived just before 9am. When I arrived, I found our Assistant Principal at work in her office. It was a bit surreal to be in the building on a weekday, during the school year, without any teachers or staff present. Actually, it was downright weird. We exchanged some pleasantries, from an acceptable social distance, then I set off to handle the tasks that I come in to complete.

It took about 2 hours to get my work done. About 1 hour into it, I took a break and walked down to the chapel. The door was open, the chancel candle was lit, the Missal was opened on the altar, and the lectionary was on the pulpit. Everything was in order as if we would be celebrating mass together that very day. But we were not. I went in and sat down. I had begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet with our chaplain and campus minister on Instagram, but when I got to the chapel, I lost the connection. So, I just sat in the chapel quietly with God for a while, said a silent prayer, then returned to my office to complete the tasks at hand.

Before I finished at the school, I spoke with our accounting clerk who came in to handle some financial matters. Our offices are adjacent, and she is kind enough to drop off materials weekly at my house that I need to do my job. Once I finished at the school, I left for the post office then I would return to my office at the dining room table to make some phone calls and send some emails.

When I left the post office, I had this incredible urge to stop at Holy Family Church, my home parish. I had not been in the church since the weekend before the stay at home order was executed. It felt good to be back. I was completely alone in the church, well just me and God. (While there are no public services, the Catholic Churches are still open to provide places of prayer and reflection for the faithful.)

Now, I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive for stopping. Our parish often has “The Word Among Us” publications available for the parishioners. I has hoping to pick up a copy as I like to follow along with the readings and Gospel during daily mass. I also enjoy the daily reflections and stories. The last publication ran through Easter Sunday. I walked in and checked the table where Monsignor normally places the booklets, but there were none there. I was not sure if there would be any booklets because of the strangeness of these times. I proceeded into the church, sat down, and read the daily reflections in the Laudate app on my phone and prayed for a while.

I got up to leave, grateful for that time in church. I did not realize just how much I missed it until I walked through the doors. As I was walking out, there on the very table that I had checked when I came in was one copy of the new “The Word Among Us”! Yes, it was a miracle. Yes, it was something that I needed, and God knew it. Yes, it was amazing. Yes, it took my breath away. As I picked it up, I thanked God for my little journey out into the real world today. I thanked Him for the work that I had to do, the tasks that I needed to complete at the school. I thanked Him for the few interactions that I had with coworkers and that time of quiet in the chapel. I thanked Him for my parish, my priests (all of them), and for that booklet that just appeared. I thanked Him for all of the blessings in my life, especially the ones that I never really noticed until I was forced to slow down, stay indoors, and shelter in place.

So today, be grateful for all the blessings, all of the little miracles, and remember to thank God. He really is there. And while you can never surprise Him, He just might surprise you when you least expect it. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Be Still and Know that I am God

On Thursday March 5th, I got up early, packed my husband’s lunch and headed into work. I didn’t attend the 7am morning mass at Holy Rosary because I was going to attend the 7:15am mass at the high school. I got into my office around 6:30am, checked my email, ran a couple of metric reports, checked my tasks for the day, and made some preparations for a 10 o’clock meeting. At 5 minutes til 7, I grabbed my prayer and reflection books and headed to the chapel. I was slightly surprised when I entered, because the lights were not on, but the window was opened. I didn’t think much of it as I settled into the pew and began reading the daily reflections.

The chapel at the high school and the window that was opened on that Thursday morning.

The darkness and the stillness of the chapel was peaceful. It was lit only by dimmed spotlights lights on the tabernacle and candlelight. It was so quiet, the only sound being the window shades gently rustling together in the cool morning breeze. I don’t ever recall the window being opened when it was so chilly outside particularly then when there was no one in the chapel, but the window was opened that morning. The sounds of the shades tapping together was mesmerizing. As I sat listening to it, I realized that it was now after 7:15am and there was nobody else in the chapel. There were no students. There was no staff. There was no priest. There was no morning mass. There was just God.

Now I am not sure what made me think that there would be mass at the high school on a Thursday morning, because typically there is not. Mass is celebrated on Monday and Wednesday mornings throughout the school year. And just this semester they added a Tuesday morning mass, thanks to a priest who volunteered to be the celebrant each week. But for some reason, on this particular week, I thought there was a Thursday mass. So firmly I believed this that I had told a family attending mass on Tuesday that I would see them on Thursday, because I was attending a different mass the following morning. They smiled and said “see you then”, without batting an eye. Now I am wondering if they thought that I was perhaps crazy. And I haven’t actually seen them since that Tuesday morning mass.

Normally when I miss morning mass, my entire day is thrown off, but not on this day. There was a calmness and tranquility about that morning that I can’t explain. It was almost like God just wanted me to spend some time alone with Him in that chapel. And I think it was something that I needed, that time alone with God, without anybody else, with the quiet atmosphere and the glow of the flickering candles, with the open window and mesmeric flapping of the blinds. Although I was alone in that chapel, I wasn’t alone, God was right there with me and I could just be. I always seemed to have a difficult time living out Psalm 46:10 “be still and know that I am God.” Or just resting in the Lord. That morning, I finally realized exactly what that meant.

My day didn’t fall apart because I didn’t begin it in the way I had intended. Of course, the first thoughts that ran through my head – as I had a conversation with myself – was “Wait, there’s no mass? I just missed morning mass. How could I make such a mistake?” But then I realized, that time in the chapel by myself was remarkable. If anything, I think it may have been exactly what I needed; stillness, quietness, darkness, peacefulness, some unexpected time to myself with God, in the chapel at my high school.

I have spent more time in that chapel in the last 9 months than I ever did in my entire high school career. In fact, I am pretty sure I never set foot in that chapel when I was a student. I was far too cool for that. Yeah, right.

It’s is amazing how your perspectives change as you grow older, how your faith can evolve if you open yourself up to God, how your relationship with God changes if you allow it. Your priorities shift, things that were once significant are not any longer and new things take over as being important. Usually those new things aren’t things at all but rather people and relationships and experiences. I guess that is metanoia, or ongoing conversion. It is pretty amazing.

What else is pretty amazing is that God really does know exactly what you need when you need it. If you stop for a moment, breathe and “be still”, you may actually feel those priorities shift if you just give Him a little time and a little space to work in your life. Missing mass Thursday morning was no accident. When I realized that mass was not going to be celebrated I thought I had made a mistake. But I didn’t. I was supposed to be in that chapel alone with God in that very moment. I needed it and God knew I needed it.

So today take those little mistakes, mess-ups, accidents, or missteps and see what God is trying to tell you or show you. Maybe He is saying slow down, relax, don’t worry, or maybe He is just asking you to spend some uninterrupted time with Him. What a great thing to do during your Lenten Journey! And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

The Monday-est Monday Of All

It’s Monday. I know Monday’s are typically a day of dread for most working people. The weekend is over and its back to the grind. Not only is today Monday, but it was also pouring down rain this morning when I got work. Today has been the Monday-est Monday I have experienced in a long time.

You see, I was out of the office at the end of last week for a business trip to Columbus, Ohio. So I only had three days in the office this past week. I am in the office today, but I am preparing for another trip, this time to New Orleans, Louisiana. Because I have been out of the office, I have a lot to do before I depart again tomorrow. So I came in early, in the rain, before 6:30am, with nobody else in the school, hoping to get some things done before the day really kicked into gear. The hallways were near complete darkness; I couldn’t find the light switches and tripped coming up the stairs. So far, I’m off to great start!

I needed to catch up on emails, update some files, and do some research. I also wanted to get some materials prepared for my trip and was missing some things that I needed to take with me. I was a little frustrated and little consumed with work issues. So consumed in fact that, unfortunately, I missed morning mass.

I missed mass. I know not everyone will understand this, but that is huge deal for me. Especially on a Monday. I go every day. I find it is a great way to start the day, and the best way to begin the week. With Mass, it just feels like I am beginning on the right foot. But today I missed mass.

When I realized what time it was, I raced down the hall to the chapel, but the priest was already proclaiming the gospel and my cell phone was vibrating. I said a quick prayer and apologized, then I went back to my office to respond to the text message I had just received and make another phone call. But as I dashed down the hallway I was angry or maybe it was disappointment. I missed mass and I felt like it was affecting how my week was beginning. So much for starting this week off on the right foot.

Now, it’s not like I have never missed mass. I have. I did last week. I didn’t make it to mass on Friday because I was out of town and had appointments that didn’t permit me to attend daily mass. I guess the difference was that I knew I was going to miss mass last week. I was prepared for it. But today, I hadn’t planned on missing mass, it just happened. And it was wholly and completely my fault. I let myself get caught up in something that I could have had better control over. I let my frustration get the best of me, and what did I gain from it? Nothing. No satisfaction, no peace of mind, and no accomplishment. Just disappointment.

So I walked back to my office and sat down at my desk. I said another prayer, read a couple of reflections, and took a moment to just breathe. In that brief moment, I realized that I while I had apologized for missing morning mass, I did not need to. God wasn’t angry with me, God wasn’t disappointed, God wasn’t frustrated. God didn’t expect an apology. If anything, God wanted peace for me, not this anger, frustration and disappointment that had been consuming me all morning.

Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, and I suspect this often happened on Mondays. Mondays can be difficult; the weekend is over, we have a whole work week ahead of us filled with demands and expectations, things that we have to accomplish. And the next weekend seems so far away. How are we going to make it through?

Instead of looking at Monday with dread, focusing on all that we think we have to accomplish, and being hard on ourselves when we think we will never get all of it done, maybe we should look at Monday (and every day for that that matter) as an opportunity to start all over again. As another day to be our best, to do our best, to help others, to listen, to care, to be kind, to show love and compassion – not only to others but also to ourselves.

So today, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself (and others) with love and compassion. Look at Monday as an opportunity to begin again, to start fresh. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.