#grace – Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith

Great Expectations

People will fail you. Throughout your lifetime, every person with whom you are close will fall short in your eyes in some way. This includes your mother and father, sisters and brothers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, friends and coworkers, priests, pastors, and religious, even acquaintances. Bob Marley is quoted as saying, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Everyone. I believe that is 100% accurate.

I do not say this to be negative, crass, or judgmental. I say it simply because it is true. The sooner this fact is understood and accepted, the better our lives will be. You also need to realize that you play a big role in this equation. You are part of the reason people will fail you. In most cases, you are the very reason that people disappoint you.

My newest coworker, of whom I have no expectations and who has no expectations of me.

We are human, all of us. And we are all different. Some of us are empathetic (I generally am not), some of us are compassionate (I probably fall short there too), some of us are sympathetic, some of us are generous, some of us are kind, some of us are sentimental, some of us are carefree, some of us are thoughtful; some of us are understanding, and the list goes on. Everyone has a unique personality; we all react to and handle situations differently.

There are hundreds of different tests you can take to help identify your personality type, behavioral profile, or how you respond to stimulus. There are personality tests (like Myers-Briggs), predictive index assessments that determine your work style and how you interact with others, and tests that can tell you how you give and receive love (The 5 Love Languages). All of these tests are geared at giving us a better understanding of who we are and how we operate.

These are wonderful tools for learning about ourselves. But no matter how much we learn about our personal qualities, our characteristics, and our behaviors, we all inevitably create expectations for ourselves and others. So, what about expectations?

We often have great expectations about people, more specifically people who are close to us. This can include how they should react to a circumstance, what they should say in response to a conversation, or how they should behave in a specific situation. These expectations leave us wondering why someone did not say something that we needed to hear or do something that we would have done if we were in their shoes. Expecting something to happen will not make it happen. When reality does not meet our expectations, we are left wondering why. Therefore, expectations can lead to disappointment.

Listen to the 1993 hit song Hey Jealousy, by the Gin Blossoms. There is a great line in that song, “if you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down.” We can learn so much from that one line.

There is also a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” We tend to harbor resentment when someone does not live up to our expectations. Expectations are the root cause of why people fail you. Expectations lead to disappointment. Expectations can kill relationships. Expectations.

My son and his dog. Nevaeh never has any expectations.

While I try not to have expectations of people, I fail daily. I have to remind myself that expectations rarely have positive outcomes. They lead to hurt feelings, anger, frustration, disillusionment, and bitterness. Eventually you are going to be let down. Eventually you are going to let someone else down, all because of expectations.

You know who does not have expectations? God. Nothing you do will ever surprise God. You can never let Him down. He will never be angry at you or wish that you did something differently. God will just love you. Incidentally, dogs are the very same way (Is it a coincidence that God spelled backwards is dog? I think not.)

So today, let go of expectations. Turn your attention to God when those anticipated outcomes begin to fill your head and ask Him for grace, patience, and understanding. Maybe adopt a shelter dog too, you will not be disappointed (unless maybe you have some preconceived notions, i.e.. expectations). And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Accosted by Grace

Today is January – Friday the 13th. I know there is a lot of superstition attached to any Friday the 13th. In fact, horror movies have been based around that date as an omen of bad luck. As a child, I was fascinated by superstition. I even tended to believe them and allow them to dictate my behavior. Not so as an adult. Superstitions are fun to joke about, but I don’t put any trust or belief in them.

My morning of January, Friday the 13th unfolded in a manner in which those who are superstitious would say was caused, in fact, by the date alone. You see this morning, on my drive to work. A deer stepped out on the highway in my lane of travel. Just a few days ago, I was commenting that in all of my years of driving, I have never struck a deer.

Today I was humbled. The deer stepped into my lane, and while I swerved to miss her, she still ran into the back-passenger side of my car. Perhaps it was my gloating that led to the end of my deer-free streak. Maybe it was simply the time of day and time of year. Oddly enough, I did leave 5 minutes earlier than I normally would for work. So, yes, timing makes a difference. Timing is everything. Had I left the house as I normally would at 6am rather than 5:55am, I would have likely never seen that deer.

In many cultures and religions, the deer symbolizes grace. I remember spending time with a friend, who happens to be a religious sister, who told me that the deer represents grace. That was a day when together we had seen three of them on a walk in the woods. A deer representing grace, three of them reminded me of the trinity; there was a great deal of symbolism in that moment. At that time in my life, I think God was trying to get my attention because I wasn’t grounded in my faith; I wasn’t pursuing a relationship with Him. And God reaches out to us in so many ways that we oftentimes miss His message.

Today’s experience with a deer was different. And I will admit, I hope she survived our collision and was not injured. In assessing the damage to my car, which was minimal – just a scratch – I would think that she is just fine, probably just as startled as I was and maybe a little banged up. But the near accident was most definitely filled with God’s grace. It could have been disastrous for both the deer and me.

Therefore, Friday the 13th is not a day of bad luck but rather a day of good luck. I could have been involved in a serious accident. I could have totaled my car, injured myself, and inadvertently killed one of God’s most beautiful and gentle creatures. But I didn’t. And I didn’t because of God’s grace.

Photo by Djalma Paiva Armelin on Pexels.com

This week has been extremely busy and extremely fruitful. I am trying to get things wrapped up both personally and professionally before I have shoulder surgery next week. I have been going at a breakneck pace, trying to get everything done. I think God was giving me a wake-up call and telling me to slow down. Everything will be accomplished…in His time.

So this morning, I slowed down. I said a prayer of Thanksgiving for all of the goodness in my life. It is evident everywhere. Through the people around me, the relationships that I have and the support that I am given, through the beauty of nature that I get to experience each day with beautiful sunrises, gentle rain showers, softly falling snow, and magnificent sunsets, through the gift of waking each day, breathing, and having the opportunity to do work that helps share God’s word and bring others to Christ; even through the near miss I had this morning. Maybe especially through the near miss. God’s grace is abundant.

So today, look for God’s grace in your life. How is He showing it to you? What is He asking of you? What gift is He trying to give you? And today, please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you.

Be a Blessing

“I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.” – Genesis 12:2

You are blessed, abundantly, but do you feel blessed? Do you accept the blessings that God wants to bestow on you? Do you let those blessings flow through you to others?

In reading this morning, I was reminded that I am not simply blessed by God to be blessed; I am blessed by God for the sake of others, so that through God’s blessings, I may bless others. What that basically means is to pay it forward.

God blesses us each and every day, in immeasurable and uncountable ways. However, we don’t always accept those blessings. Oftentimes this is because we don’t recognize ourselves as worthy of all the goodness that God wants to share with us. We feel like we don’t deserve it. We feel like we are not good enough for God’s unconditional love. But it doesn’t matter if we believe we deserve it or not, God’s love and generosity know no limits. He wants to pour out his love upon us and bless us abundantly. He is simply that generous, that loving, of a Father.

One of the many blessings of New Year’s Day was making cannoli with my son

I know I regularly feel like I don’t deserve God’s blessings. I’m a sinner – big time, and I struggle a lot. I am certainly not worthy of the goodness God has given me. But there are also times that I fail to recognize the blessings in my life because sometimes those blessings look a lot like challenges and trials.

Cuddling with my dogs (3 of the 4 pictured here) is a daily blessing for me.

There have been blessings in my life that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t recognize as blessings until well after the moment had passed. These were times of pain and struggle, times of uncertainty and fear, and times of anger and sadness. From dealing with the deaths of friends and loved ones to battling cancer to testing relationships, I have experienced a number of events in the past few years alone that have been difficult. But each of those moments was wrapped up in God’s grace that helped me get through those times and come out stronger. Each of those experiences, each of those blessings, helped me learn and grow, and hopefully taught me how and allowed me to bless others in some way.

God’s grace has turned our challenges into blessings and strengthened our marriage

So today, accept all the blessings that God wants to give you, share them, and be a blessing to someone else. God has so much in store for you if you would just be open to accepting what He wants to give you, whether or not you feel you are worthy or deserving of his love.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—” – Ephesians 2:8. This is the greatest blessing of all, eternal salvation, and God gives it freely to each of us through faith. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Memories, Confession, and REO Speedwagon

This memory came up on my Facebook feed yesterday. It is from December 19, 2018. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember that day very vividly. I actually read the feed while I sat waiting for Sunday Morning mass to begin. Coincidentally, I had been pondering going to confession before Christmas. Even though it is dated and I now longer work for the Franciscan Sisters, I thought it was worth sharing.

December 19, 2018
I really do not like going to confession. I know there are some people that enjoy it, they feel liberated and restored and, therefore, receive the sacrament of reconciliation often. I don’t experience that same “joy”. The thought of confessing my sins, whether it is to a priest I know well or to a total stranger, makes me feel physically ill. I become anxious and agitated and eventually talk myself out of going to confession at all. That would explain why in the past 25 years, I may have gone to confession half a dozen times.

Confession by Florida Georgia Line

But now I work for religious sisters, sisters who receive the sacrament of reconciliation weekly. I mean I already kind of feel like a heathen when I am with them, but now I feel even more like an unrepentant sinner because I don’t like the process of atonement. In the 3 years that I have worked for them, I have gone to confession 3 times. That 3 times is included in the 6 times that I have gone in the past quarter century. One of those times was today.

There is a priest who comes every other week to hear confessions at the Mother House for the sisters. I asked if I could sign up for one of the confession slots. One of the sisters was kind enough to put me on the schedule for this afternoon. Then this morning before mass began, I had a change of heart. I just wasn’t feeling the whole “let’s go confess our sins” thing. I had decided that I would take my name off of the schedule. I’m not going to confession, no big deal, right? Wrong.

There were several tiny little signs that were telling me I needed to go to confession today. The first one was before I even got to work. I was coming down the drive to work when I was overcome by a profound feeling of sadness. It hit me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning. I started thinking about my Dad, how Christmas was less than a week away and that this would be the first Christmas without him. All of these thoughts are running through my head as I pull into the parking space and I notice a deer in the grass at the edge of the lot. The Reverend Mother had told me that the deer symbolizes God’s grace. Immediately, the feeling of sadness left me. Amazing!

Fr. Gregory said mass this morning, and he opened up mass talking about REO Speedwagon’s song “Keep on Lovin’ You.” He said that is why we are here, to love Jesus. It made me smile and kind of laugh to myself. REO Speedwagon’s cassette, Hi-Infidelity, was the first tape I ever bought. That is the album which contains “Keep on Lovin’ You”. Really? What are the chances of that actually coming up in mass – ever. It caused me to reflect on the happiness of my childhood. I can still remember listening to that tape in a tape recorder, sitting on the wall along the drive of the house on Whitehaven when I was nine years old. That memory makes me smile.

Fr. Gregory had a great homily about how God bears fruit in us, even when we might not see it. We just need to be open to the work He will do within us and through us. Then he closed mass by stating that he would be available for confession if anybody would be interested. I sat in the pew dumfounded. Alright, I get it. So I went to confession.

It is amazing the ways in which God will speak to you if you only listen. It is amazing the work He will do in you and through you if you only open yourself up to that possibility. I never thought it was possible, to hear God, but now that I have, it is pretty amazing what He says. Today, listen for God to speak to you; it may even happen through an REO Speedwagon song.

As I prepare to share this, I am also getting ready to go to morning mass; morning mass at that very monastery. I am not sure who the celebrant will be or what words of wisdom he might share, but I am looking forward to listening for God to speak to me today. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

The Obvious and The Extraordinary

Thoughts about confession, mass, Satan and God

Have you ever felt like the whole world was conspiring against you to keep you away from God? Maybe I am over dramatizing here, but that is exactly how I have felt these past couple of days. I have felt like God has been so far out of reach, and everything I try doesn’t bring Him any closer.

https://www.franciscansisterstor.org/about/spirituality-and-charisms/father-of-mercy-chapel

I awoke early this morning and was ready to leave the house well before my normal 6:30am departure. I jumped in the car and headed to the Father of Mercy Chapel for morning mass. This is where I normally attend Monday morning mass. However, when I arrived this morning, the doors were locked. Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I had spent that morning drive pondering how I would pray morning prayer. I had left my prayer books at work over the weekend. They were lying on my desk. I had been making a mental plan of how to approach morning prayer for the past 20 minutes. Never did I image that the doors to chapel would be locked. I knocked. No answer. I stood dumbfounded wondering if God knew I was standing outside, wondering why I could not get in.

The prayer booklets I left on my desk at work.

With an air of desperation, I turned and walked down the stairs and back to my car. While doing so, I checked the emailed mass schedule that I had received for the month of October. Mass wasn’t being held today until 8:15am. I drove to work.

This was the second, third or fourth time in the past 24 hours in which I had felt alienated from God (not alienated by God).

I thought this picture capture alienation perfectly. Taken at the Stone Lodge in Beatty Park.

Yesterday evening, I had this incredible desire to go to confession. You should know, this is not something for which I ever have a yearning – ever. Confession is a challenge for me – extremely difficult, yet yesterday evening I had this “pull” or felt this need to go. And I really wanted to go immediately, but that wasn’t possible.

I contacted a few of my priest friends hoping to be able to go this morning, fully expecting this to be possible. Only it wasn’t. Nobody was hearing confessions on this dismal, gray and drizzling Monday morning. It was kind of like, three strikes and you’re out. I had contacted 3 priests. I was truly dumfounded. I mean, I actually wanted to go to confession, and I couldn’t. God felt so far out of reach last night and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I worried that my longing to receive the sacrament of confession would wane as time passed. I went to bed, contemplating this and what it really meant. Still, I planned to attend mass, but for the first time in a very long time, not receive the Eucharist. All because of this great need to confess my sins to a priest and receive absolution.

As I awoke this morning from one of the deepest sleeps in which I have been in a very long time, I felt a renewed sense of the need to attend morning mass. To discover only an hour later, the doors locked and no one answering my knock, deflated me. I left the hilltop, defeated. As I was descending the hill from the monastery, I began reflecting on how I had been intending to not receive communion this morning. Then I began wondering why getting to God was so difficult these past few days, I mean really difficult.

Satan is real and evil permeates our society. These things you can clearly see if you just look at our world today. All you have to do is turn on the news or read the paper. There is too much evil.

I began to think that this was the devil trying to undermine my relationship with Christ. I mean, I couldn’t find a priest to hear my confession this morning – not one, not two, but three were unavailable. I had left my prayer books at work, lying on my desk. And then the doors to the chapel were locked. LOCKED! I was locked out, away from God.

But as I pulled into my parking space at work, I had a different realization. I realized that perhaps, all of these things were a blessing, and all of these things were orchestrated by divine intervention. Sounds weird, right? But not being able to find a priest to hear my confession today has given me a greater opportunity to examine my conscience, to reflect on my sins and to better prepare for absolution. And yes, I still intend to go, it just might not be as soon as I would like. And the doors being locked and mass being at a different time, I think that was to help me avoid the temptation to receive the body of Christ while not in a state of grace. Yes, I would have been tempted to do that. I probably would have gone to communion had I gone to mass this morning, even if I was thinking that I wouldn’t. It is difficult to explain, and I am sure there are many who understand where I am coming from. But I truly believe it was God’s gentle hand protecting me from falling even further from grace.

Just moments before I arrived at the chapel, I had been listen to the song Fallen, by Sarah McLaughlin. It was almost prophetic for how I have been feeling lately. But I know there is redemption and there is grace and that God does work in mysterious ways. By all accounts, my Monday morning did not go as I had planned, it was a bit mysterious the way in which it unfolded. It seemed obvious that someone or something was trying to undermine my peace. But, in the end, I truly believe it was in my best interest. I just had to look beyond the obvious to see the extraordinary love of God.

So today, look beyond the obvious and find the extraordinary. Everything does, indeed, happen for a reason. And Today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Believe – Binge Watching Ink Master

The COVID19 pandemic and the shelter in place order has stretched on for weeks now. I believe we are in the middle of our ninth week. During this time, I have worked from home, which has actually been quite productive. In my free time, I walk the dogs, work out, read, do yardwork, plan our family dinners, clean, and pray. I rarely watch TV. All of my friends are binge watching different series on Netflix and I have no idea what they are talking about.

Taking COVID precautions at a follow-up doctor’s visit

Don’t get me wrong, I like television. I love to watch Chopped on the Food Network and Ink Master on Paramount or reruns of sitcoms like Seinfeld. However, most of the tv shows I like are not available on-demand, like American Dreams (Remember that show?), Party of Five, or Parenthood. No matter, though, because I have all of those series on DVD. I also have The Brady Bunch and Facts of Life…don’t judge me.

But a couple of weeks ago, as my husband and I were talking about our next tattoos, I suggested that we watch the Ink Master series and all of its spin-offs from the beginning. On that particular day, the weather was crappy, we were kind of tired, and just didn’t feel like doing too much. And thus began our journey into binge watching. We typically watch approximately 3 episodes in the evening and we are already up to season five.

Binge watching with a cup of Earl Grey tea

On Sunday May 16, we settled in to watch season 5 episode 12, which featured Deangelo Williams, whose mother and aunts all died of breast cancer. The show was a tribute to breast cancer survivors. Obviously, this episode touched me personally. All the women receiving tattoos were breast cancer survivors who had had mastectomies. They were getting the area of the mastectomy tattooed (this is something that I would like to have done when my surgeries are complete). Also, during the episode, the tattoo artists had to design a tribute tattoo for Deangelo in honor/memory of his mother. The winning designer got to tattoo him. (Cleen Rock One had the winning design and gave Deangelo the tattoo). The thing that struck me the hardest was the evening that we were watching it was the same day Deangelo William’s mother passed away from breast cancer – May 16^th. Now what are the odds that I would watch that episode on that day? I am actually getting goosebumps as I type this.

I never thought I would have a tattoo, let alone eight of them. Yes, eight. The most recent (and the shortest tattoo session I might add) is the word, “Believe”. It is on my left forearm. I never thought I would have a tattoo in that location, but I do. I always worried about being able to cover them up, because what would people think? I am learning not to really care what other people think. If they are going to judge me because I have tattoos (and ride a motorcycle), then I probably don’t want to be friends with them anyway. Every tattoo I have means something, tells some part of my story. Deangelo Williams said the same thing about his tattoos – they tell the story of his life. I like that.

Believe is something that I have wanted to get for a long time. Believe is the word that Harry Houdini used whenever things got challenging or difficult or seemed impossible. In fact, BELIEVE was the secret message that he devised with his wife to test spiritualist seances should he or she die. It is a word that means a lot to me. I had that word printed on the back of t-shirts that I had made for my softball players back in 2011, when our season was extremely challenging. But it has taken on an even greater importance after dealing with breast cancer. My husband and I refer to “believe” often when things are troublesome in our own lives. He surprised me and got the very same tattoo on his right forearm. When we hold hands, the tattoos face each other. (Yes, he is a keeper, I already know.)

While 2020 has been a strange and challenging year, 2019 was the year that really tested my faith and made me question my belief in God. It was a tumultuous year, and when I thought it really couldn’t get any worse, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was then that “believe” meant something more. My faith and my belief in God using everything for the greater good, that is the “believe” that got me through.

I’m not going to lie, during the whole year of 2019, I argued with God, bargained with Him, got angry with Him, questioned Him, and even cursed Him, but I never stopped believing in Him and His infinite goodness. I don’t understand why that particular year was such a shit-show, but it was. But it was wrapped in grace and mercy, and so much good came from it. The “Believe” tattoo is a reminder of all that I have overcome because I did “believe”, and will continue to remind me to believe in God, in myself, in the goodness and kindness of others, in love, in faith, in purpose, in friendship, in that truth -that all things work together for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28).

So today, believe, regardless of the circumstance, and have faith that you are right where you are meant to be. And please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.