Tag: #why

Praise You in this Storm

I attended the Casting Crowns show in Wheeling, WV on Saturday March 7, 2020 with my husband.  It was my first Christian concert.  

We kind of decided last minute to attend.  I had marked the event as “interested” on Facebook a couple of months earlier but never committed to purchase tickets. Then on Friday February 28th, we made the decision to go.  We also made the decision to purchase the VIP tickets, having no real idea of what the VIP tickets included.  

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised when we arrived and were ushered into a Q&A session and were able to sit right in the front row.  I enjoyed how the band shared their stories, interacted with audience, and encouraged people to share how the band’s music or a particular song has influenced them.  

A lot of people shared, and it was wonderful to hear their stories. I am not one for publicly sharing those types of things, so I declined to participate. But I am pretty good at sharing things in writing, and I have been reflecting on that show and that entire evening. (Matthew West was the opening act and he was very inspiring as well)

If you have read any of my previous posts, you likely know that I was born and raised Catholic, having attended Catholic grade school, high school and college.  I have spent most of my career working for Catholic organization.  However, I was not really a practicing Catholic.  In fact, I had fallen away from organized religion in the later part of my high school career.  In college, my beliefs and practices really didn’t matter.  Although I attended a small Catholic college, it was quite liberal and there was no real emphasis on faith.  

A few years after graduation, I was hired by a Catholic university.  So, I faked it.  I pretended to be a practicing Catholic; I would periodically attend a Sunday service just so people would see me. I would feign involvement in conferences and events and attend retreats and workshops.  I did it, but I didn’t really enjoy it and I didn’t really believe it.  It was all a facade. I lived like that for the better part of 25 years.

Jump ahead to December 2015, I was offered a job with a community of religious sisters.  It was the first time in my life I really felt that God was calling me to something.  And I truly could not explain it because I did not have any kind of relationship with Him.  But I accepted it.  Accepting that position eventually changed my life, not just my prayer life and faith life, but everything.  It changed my relationship with God.  

Now don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen all at once.  It wasn’t like flipping a switch.  It was gradual, over the course of a few years.  And it was little things that helped to bring me back, that helped me find my way back to God, back to prayer, back to my faith.  And I honestly loved my job with those sisters.  

So, when I lost my job in May of 2019, I was a little blindsided.  I really didn’t see it coming, and I could not understand why God would do such a thing right at that moment. I was unemployed.  I don’t think I have even been unemployed. That is when I first heard the song Praise You in This Storm.  

I asked Alexa to play praise and worship music and this was the first song that came on. It just struck me immediately. I think I may have cried (please don’t tell anybody).  I had no idea what God was doing in my life, but He knew.  I just needed to trust Him.

The entire year of 2019 was challenging.  My father had passed away in 2018.  At the beginning of 2019, a good friend from college died after a short bout with glioblastoma. It was surprising to say the least. And it left me wondering “why?” Then I began going through a series of tests for heart and breathing issues which the doctors could not understand.  My blood pressure and resting heart were extremely elevated, and I was constantly short of breath.  The tests spanned several months and included EKG’s, cardiac stress tests, cardiac catheterization, CT scans, etc.  You name it, they did it.  Everything was normal, my heart was in excellent condition and blood oxygen was at 100%. Then I got a call that there were some concerns with the CT scan, not with regard to my heart, but to some “spots” that had shown up in my right lung and right breast.  I began seeing a pulmonologist (who said it was nothing to be concerned about) and I was ordered to have another mammogram.  

By this time, it was October.  I had recently had a mammogram in late April which revealed nothing remarkable.  They wanted another one, just to be safe.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 6th.   The song Praise You in This Storm took on a whole new meaning.

I am finding that in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, it as taken on yet another new meaning.  We are dealing with chaos and uncertainty.  There is concern and even worry, but the Bible tells us; “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for al that he has done.” Philippians 4:6.

I am currently reading The Fifth Mountain by Paul Coehlo (as well as a few other books) and this passage struck me:

“Everything will happen as was written by the Lord. There are moments when tribulations occur in our lives, and we cannot avoid them. But they are for some reason.”

“What Reason?”

“That is the question we cannot answer before or even during the trials. Only when we have overcome them do we understand why they were there.”

The Fifth Mountain, Paul Coelho

That is where we are right now. So today, Praise God, even (or maybe especially) during this crazy storm, these unsettling times and this unsure future. He is in control and He has a greater plan. He is waiting for us to turn to Him, to put our trust and our faith in Him; we have shut Him out for far too long. “Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindness; and he relents from doing harm.” Joel 2:13.

Please pray for all of those who are working to battle this pandemic, those who are serving the ones who are afflicted with the virus, and those who are battling the virus as well as their families. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Live Your Best Life

Just over two years ago, my friend Michelle’s daughter was gearing up for her senior year of high school. It was the first day of school and she was on her way to class when she was in a horrific car accident. It was devastating and she was in a coma for months. It was a difficult time to say the least. Her daughter and my son were close in age and this accident really hit close to home.

Michelle and I went to college together. We bonded over beer and the Indigo Girls. We went out, talked about boys, talked about the future, hung out with our friends, helped mend broken hearts, celebrated relationship victories, stressed about exams, got drunk, shared late night pizzas, borrowed each other’s clothing, everything college-age friends do together. We lived our best college life. After graduation, before the dawn of social media, we all went our separate ways. Many of us lost touch. But we fondly remembered our college days.

Years later, with the emergence of Facebook and Instagram, we all eventually reconnected. It was like no time had passed. Those years that separated us didn’t change our relationships at all. So when Michelle moved to Pittsburgh, we would occasionally get together for lunch, share texts back and forth and an occasional phone call. Yes, we were busy. We were mothers and wives and employees and volunteers and daughters and sisters. But we reconnected and would sometimes get together to share a Bloody Mary in the Strip District. We had picked up exactly where we had left off.

So when this accident occurred, it was shattering mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through and was really at a loss for what to do or say. So I tried to be there in any way that I could. Her daughter was in a coma for months. I would visit, hold Michelle’s hand, hug her, and just be there. We cried together and sat in silence together. There were no words that could fix the hurt, the pain, the fear, and the sadness. So I would pray that Rita would wake up. I would ask others to pray. I tried to visit at least once a month, but looking back I could have done more. I could have visited more. I could have been there more.

After what seemed like forever, her daughter began making progress. She began to improve; Rita finally woke up! I was an amazing day. There were finally tears of joy, there was the miracle for which we had been praying. I continued to visit, to see how she was progressing with therapy, etc. She had to learn how to walk again, how to feed herself again, how to do everything all over again. But she was making incredible strides and was making a miraculous recovery.

By June of the following year (10 months after the accident) her daughter was doing amazingly well, had actually graduated high school, and the family was moving to Colorado. Her husband had a great job opportunity and it was closer to both of their families. I was sad when they moved, because I had not gotten to visit them as much as I would have liked. There was always something more important, more pressing, but I was so happy for all of them. They had a walking, talking, living, breathing miracle in their lives, and they were making the most of every minute.

The family moved to Colorado, and things were going well. Then in the fall of 2018, Michelle was diagnosed with a brain tumor, glioblastoma. And it was inoperable. When I found out I was angry, I mean really angry. How could she have an inoperable brain tumor? How was it possible that it was glioblastoma, the most common and most aggressive form of brain cancer? How could this be happening to her and her family after all they had already endured over the last 14 months? Why would God give this suffering to their family? How much could one family endure? And the only thing I could continually ask was why? I didn’t understand then; I still don’t understand now.

I have been thinking a lot about all of this over the past several weeks, because of the time of year that it is. I think about Michelle, I think about her husband and her daughter and her son (who is Marine). That suffering didn’t make sense then, and I will be honest it still doesn’t now.

Michelle died on January 2, 2019. I will never understand why, and I can’t wait to ask God someday. I know there was a reason, a purpose, and some greater good that will or has come out of all of that. So I will be grateful for the time I got share with my friend, thankful that we were able to reconnect nearly 2 decades after college, appreciative that I got to know and be a part of her family for a little while – even though it was during some of the most painful moments of her life. I am thankful because what I learned from her is summed up in the line of one of our favorite Indigo Girls songs – “the best thing you’ve ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously.”

It doesn’t diminish hurt or make me miss her less. There are days when I want to call or text her, but I can’t. So I just pray and remember to live my best life. Michelle lived her best life, of that I am sure. She was a free spirit, a light that radiated joy and love, an honest and outspoken friend who had your back, who lived life on her terms, and seized every moment. So today I will remember Michelle, I will live my best life, I will not take anything for granted and I will make the most of this time that God has given me. Michelle, until we meet again, I will remember you with love and joy.

Live your best life, don’t take anything for granted, and make time for others because you don’t know when they will be taken from you. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.