Praise You in this Storm

I attended the Casting Crowns show in Wheeling, WV on Saturday March 7, 2020 with my husband.  It was my first Christian concert.  

We kind of decided last minute to attend.  I had marked the event as “interested” on Facebook a couple of months earlier but never committed to purchase tickets. Then on Friday February 28th, we made the decision to go.  We also made the decision to purchase the VIP tickets, having no real idea of what the VIP tickets included.  

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised when we arrived and were ushered into a Q&A session and were able to sit right in the front row.  I enjoyed how the band shared their stories, interacted with audience, and encouraged people to share how the band’s music or a particular song has influenced them.  

A lot of people shared, and it was wonderful to hear their stories. I am not one for publicly sharing those types of things, so I declined to participate. But I am pretty good at sharing things in writing, and I have been reflecting on that show and that entire evening. (Matthew West was the opening act and he was very inspiring as well)

If you have read any of my previous posts, you likely know that I was born and raised Catholic, having attended Catholic grade school, high school and college.  I have spent most of my career working for Catholic organization.  However, I was not really a practicing Catholic.  In fact, I had fallen away from organized religion in the later part of my high school career.  In college, my beliefs and practices really didn’t matter.  Although I attended a small Catholic college, it was quite liberal and there was no real emphasis on faith.  

A few years after graduation, I was hired by a Catholic university.  So, I faked it.  I pretended to be a practicing Catholic; I would periodically attend a Sunday service just so people would see me. I would feign involvement in conferences and events and attend retreats and workshops.  I did it, but I didn’t really enjoy it and I didn’t really believe it.  It was all a facade. I lived like that for the better part of 25 years.

Jump ahead to December 2015, I was offered a job with a community of religious sisters.  It was the first time in my life I really felt that God was calling me to something.  And I truly could not explain it because I did not have any kind of relationship with Him.  But I accepted it.  Accepting that position eventually changed my life, not just my prayer life and faith life, but everything.  It changed my relationship with God.  

Now don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen all at once.  It wasn’t like flipping a switch.  It was gradual, over the course of a few years.  And it was little things that helped to bring me back, that helped me find my way back to God, back to prayer, back to my faith.  And I honestly loved my job with those sisters.  

So, when I lost my job in May of 2019, I was a little blindsided.  I really didn’t see it coming, and I could not understand why God would do such a thing right at that moment. I was unemployed.  I don’t think I have even been unemployed. That is when I first heard the song Praise You in This Storm.  

I asked Alexa to play praise and worship music and this was the first song that came on. It just struck me immediately. I think I may have cried (please don’t tell anybody).  I had no idea what God was doing in my life, but He knew.  I just needed to trust Him.

The entire year of 2019 was challenging.  My father had passed away in 2018.  At the beginning of 2019, a good friend from college died after a short bout with glioblastoma. It was surprising to say the least. And it left me wondering “why?” Then I began going through a series of tests for heart and breathing issues which the doctors could not understand.  My blood pressure and resting heart were extremely elevated, and I was constantly short of breath.  The tests spanned several months and included EKG’s, cardiac stress tests, cardiac catheterization, CT scans, etc.  You name it, they did it.  Everything was normal, my heart was in excellent condition and blood oxygen was at 100%. Then I got a call that there were some concerns with the CT scan, not with regard to my heart, but to some “spots” that had shown up in my right lung and right breast.  I began seeing a pulmonologist (who said it was nothing to be concerned about) and I was ordered to have another mammogram.  

By this time, it was October.  I had recently had a mammogram in late April which revealed nothing remarkable.  They wanted another one, just to be safe.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer on November 6th.   The song Praise You in This Storm took on a whole new meaning.

I am finding that in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, it as taken on yet another new meaning.  We are dealing with chaos and uncertainty.  There is concern and even worry, but the Bible tells us; “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for al that he has done.” Philippians 4:6.

I am currently reading The Fifth Mountain by Paul Coehlo (as well as a few other books) and this passage struck me:

“Everything will happen as was written by the Lord. There are moments when tribulations occur in our lives, and we cannot avoid them. But they are for some reason.”

“What Reason?”

“That is the question we cannot answer before or even during the trials. Only when we have overcome them do we understand why they were there.”

The Fifth Mountain, Paul Coelho

That is where we are right now. So today, Praise God, even (or maybe especially) during this crazy storm, these unsettling times and this unsure future. He is in control and He has a greater plan. He is waiting for us to turn to Him, to put our trust and our faith in Him; we have shut Him out for far too long. “Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and rich in kindness; and he relents from doing harm.” Joel 2:13.

Please pray for all of those who are working to battle this pandemic, those who are serving the ones who are afflicted with the virus, and those who are battling the virus as well as their families. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Be Still and Know that I am God

On Thursday March 5th, I got up early, packed my husband’s lunch and headed into work. I didn’t attend the 7am morning mass at Holy Rosary because I was going to attend the 7:15am mass at the high school. I got into my office around 6:30am, checked my email, ran a couple of metric reports, checked my tasks for the day, and made some preparations for a 10 o’clock meeting. At 5 minutes til 7, I grabbed my prayer and reflection books and headed to the chapel. I was slightly surprised when I entered, because the lights were not on, but the window was opened. I didn’t think much of it as I settled into the pew and began reading the daily reflections.

The chapel at the high school and the window that was opened on that Thursday morning.

The darkness and the stillness of the chapel was peaceful. It was lit only by dimmed spotlights lights on the tabernacle and candlelight. It was so quiet, the only sound being the window shades gently rustling together in the cool morning breeze. I don’t ever recall the window being opened when it was so chilly outside particularly then when there was no one in the chapel, but the window was opened that morning. The sounds of the shades tapping together was mesmerizing. As I sat listening to it, I realized that it was now after 7:15am and there was nobody else in the chapel. There were no students. There was no staff. There was no priest. There was no morning mass. There was just God.

Now I am not sure what made me think that there would be mass at the high school on a Thursday morning, because typically there is not. Mass is celebrated on Monday and Wednesday mornings throughout the school year. And just this semester they added a Tuesday morning mass, thanks to a priest who volunteered to be the celebrant each week. But for some reason, on this particular week, I thought there was a Thursday mass. So firmly I believed this that I had told a family attending mass on Tuesday that I would see them on Thursday, because I was attending a different mass the following morning. They smiled and said “see you then”, without batting an eye. Now I am wondering if they thought that I was perhaps crazy. And I haven’t actually seen them since that Tuesday morning mass.

Normally when I miss morning mass, my entire day is thrown off, but not on this day. There was a calmness and tranquility about that morning that I can’t explain. It was almost like God just wanted me to spend some time alone with Him in that chapel. And I think it was something that I needed, that time alone with God, without anybody else, with the quiet atmosphere and the glow of the flickering candles, with the open window and mesmeric flapping of the blinds. Although I was alone in that chapel, I wasn’t alone, God was right there with me and I could just be. I always seemed to have a difficult time living out Psalm 46:10 “be still and know that I am God.” Or just resting in the Lord. That morning, I finally realized exactly what that meant.

My day didn’t fall apart because I didn’t begin it in the way I had intended. Of course, the first thoughts that ran through my head – as I had a conversation with myself – was “Wait, there’s no mass? I just missed morning mass. How could I make such a mistake?” But then I realized, that time in the chapel by myself was remarkable. If anything, I think it may have been exactly what I needed; stillness, quietness, darkness, peacefulness, some unexpected time to myself with God, in the chapel at my high school.

I have spent more time in that chapel in the last 9 months than I ever did in my entire high school career. In fact, I am pretty sure I never set foot in that chapel when I was a student. I was far too cool for that. Yeah, right.

It’s is amazing how your perspectives change as you grow older, how your faith can evolve if you open yourself up to God, how your relationship with God changes if you allow it. Your priorities shift, things that were once significant are not any longer and new things take over as being important. Usually those new things aren’t things at all but rather people and relationships and experiences. I guess that is metanoia, or ongoing conversion. It is pretty amazing.

What else is pretty amazing is that God really does know exactly what you need when you need it. If you stop for a moment, breathe and “be still”, you may actually feel those priorities shift if you just give Him a little time and a little space to work in your life. Missing mass Thursday morning was no accident. When I realized that mass was not going to be celebrated I thought I had made a mistake. But I didn’t. I was supposed to be in that chapel alone with God in that very moment. I needed it and God knew I needed it.

So today take those little mistakes, mess-ups, accidents, or missteps and see what God is trying to tell you or show you. Maybe He is saying slow down, relax, don’t worry, or maybe He is just asking you to spend some uninterrupted time with Him. What a great thing to do during your Lenten Journey! And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Ash Wednesday, Freedom, Scars, and a Strange Blessing

Ash Wednesday marked the start of the Lenten season, which in and of itself is a big deal.  This is the time of prayer, fasting and alms giving as we reflect on God’s great love for us and prepare for Easter Sunday. It was last year that I finally grasped the meaning and importance of the Lenten season. It was when I finally understood what a Lenten sacrifice was.  Lent has taken on a much different meaning for me over the past year and has a far greater significance in my life.

The prayer coin we were given at Ash Wednesday Service at Holy Family Church

Ash Wednesday 2020 was meaningful for a couple of other reasons as well. This Ash Wednesday mark my first day of freedom. It was a day of independence, of liberation, of sovereignty, of dominion. It was the day that I got my life back. It was the first day that I had driven a car in well over a month. It was the day that I returned to the office to work (albeit on a limited basis). It was the day that I attended meetings with actual people. Although I had been working from home, my interactions with real people had been quite limited. It was the day that I was able to return to daily mass, and Ash Wednesday 2020 was the first time my husband received ashes (he converted to Catholicism almost 20 years ago but had never received ashes on Ash Wednesday).

I had a work meeting at Leonardo’s, a local coffee house, the evening of Ash Wednesday. My coffee came in this mug; just another message from God.

On February 3rd, everything changed, even if I wasn’t ready, even if I didn’t want it to, even if I was denying that it would change. For the past month, it almost seemed like my life has been on hold.  I am not a person who can just sit idly.  I am not very good at relaxing and I tend to over think and analyze things when I don’t have something to do.  The entire month of February, I was forced to relax. I needed to relax if I was to heal properly. 

Although I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early November and had surgery at the beginning of February, I have to remind myself that I am still in recovery.  I still, technically, have at least a couple more weeks of recuperation from the mastectomy surgery. And I will have another surgery in a couple of months.  I actually have to remind myself that I had cancer. 

I know I have mentioned this before, but I don’t feel like I have/had cancer.  I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel angry, I am not worried.  I am not in pain, I am not depressed, I am not upset.  The only things that have reminded me that I had cancer and had surgery to treat it were the changes to my daily routines.   

For the entire month of February, I missed daily mass. That was difficult for me because daily mass is part of who I am. Missing daily mass also impacted the way in which I was praying and how I was relating to and talking with God. I didn’t pray morning prayer. I didn’t pray my normal rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. In fact, it didn’t seem like I was praying at all. But I was, it was just different. I experienced a profound peace that I never expected to find through all of this. I could sense God’s presence and Christ’s peace even though life had changed, even though there was uncertainty. I wasn’t feeling fear, or pain, or anger, or frustration or any of those things. If I am experiencing anything, it is guilt because of how well I actually feel.

I guess I feel guilty because I know others who have endured cancer, the surgeries, the radiation, the chemotherapy, the exhaustion, the pain, the stress, the depression, and everything else that goes along with it and I really haven’t experienced a lot of that. What I have experienced has not been that severe. I feel guilty for being concerned about not being able to cook for my family or being able to workout at my normal level of intensity (I am allowed to walk and use the elliptical- no arms). That is just selfish. I feel guilty because there are people who are battling cancer who have to deal with the pain and sickness associated with radiation and chemotherapy, and I don’t. I dodged a bullet with that one.

I have to go through reconstructive surgery, a process that is uncomfortable but bearable. I have to have some follow-up visits with my doctors for the next several weeks. I have to take some anti-cancer meds for next ten years. And I get a little tired. What do I really have to complain about, maybe that’s why I feel guilty? Maybe I feel guilty because I am so blessed, and I know I don’t deserve it.

While most days it doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my life has changed, I know that a lot has.  And I have the scars (and the medical bills) to prove it.  The scars, they are what remind me every day of the blessings.    

I was texting with a friend the other day who asked how I was doing. I responded that I feel fantastic and that all of this has been a strange blessing. That’s when it struck me, this really has been a strange blessing. Most people think I am crazy when I say that breast cancer has been a blessing. But it really has been. I can’t explain it, but I marvel at it. I can’t figure out why I have been so fortunate when others have had to endure so much more. Why I have been blessed with such kindness, heartfelt compassion, love and friendship. I could sit and ask why did God give me cancer, but what God did through cancer was bless me abundantly in so many ways. I am just waiting to see what else He has in store for me throughout this journey, because I am pretty sure it is going to be something amazing. So yes, this cancer is a strange blessing, but it is a blessing, an amazing blessing, none the less.

So today, look for the strange blessings within your life, if you really take time, I am sure you will find several,  and please pray for me as I will continue to pray for you.

Last Time for Everything

Monday February 24, 2020 will mark three weeks since I had unilateral mastectomy to treat breast cancer.  The month of February has been filled appointments, surgeries, procedures, and emotions.  It has been a lot to process and take in, but Monday February 3rd, was a pivotal point.  I was scheduled for an early morning mastectomy followed by reconstructive surgery. 

They had moved the surgery up; I was originally scheduled to have the procedure begin at noon.  Just few days before the surgery, they called and said they would begin at 7am, and I needed to be at the hospital at 5am.  We live 2.5 hours from the hospital.  Thankfully, my brother and sister-in-law live close to The James Cancer Center.  We drove out on Sunday evening, watched the Super Bowl (well, most of it) with them, and spent the night.  My brother got up before dawn on Monday morning to drive us to the hospital.  (As you can tell, I have a pretty great family)

My constant companions during my recovery

That morning was kind of surreal. I had to fast because of the anesthesia, so I had no coffee. And anyone who knows me knows that was a challenge. We arrived just before 5am, and the registration room was quite full. The only thing I could think of was that all the people in that room were dealing with cancer as either a patient, caregiver, family member or friend. That, in and of itself, was a lot to take in. And I am constantly reminded of that every time I go for a follow-up visit. Every person in every office is dealing with cancer in some way, shape, or form. (if you could just take a moment to please pray for all of those dealing with cancer)

That morning was one of the longest mornings of my life.  From the pre-op preparations to the litany of questions, from being poked and prodded to lying in a hospital bed in nothing but a hospital gown; I have never felt more vulnerable.  I was sure they were never going to do the surgery, because it felt like I had been there for hours. In reality it might have been an hour between the time they took me back for pre-op and the time they wheeled me in for surgery.

But I knew things were going to be moving along quickly once the oncological surgeon and the plastic surgeon came to see me.  They began with a sentinel node biopsy, a procedure for which they use no anesthesia.  The reason is that the anesthesia will feel the same as the injection for the biopsy, so there really is no need.  Let’s just say the last thing that I ever felt on my right side was an incredibly sharp stabbing pain followed by intense burning.  When I mention to the doctor that “that really hurt!”  He replied, “you didn’t even flinch”.  I remarked that just because I didn’t flinch, it didn’t mean that I didn’t feel it.  I felt it.   That was the last thing I ever felt on the right side of my chest.

Shortly after the biopsy, they wheeled me back to surgery. As I hoisted myself from the bed to the operating table, the anesthesiologist inquired about the tattoo on my back, I told him it was memorial to my father, who had passed away two years ago this March. He liked it and was hoping to get memorial tattoo of his own. Shortly after that conversation, I was asleep.

I woke up in recovery about 6 or 7 hours later (the surgery was 4 or 5 hours).  The nurse in recovery asked me about the tattoo on my left shoulder when I woke up, but I was so groggy and incoherent, I couldn’t even answer him.  I could only ask for ice chips because I was so thirsty.  I was in and out of consciousness in recovery and when I was finally coherent, they took me back to my room where my husband was waiting for me.  To say that it was an emotional moment would be an understatement.  He has been there for me through all of this.

After a follow-up visit.

They kept me overnight. By noon the following day, I was released to go home. I have been recovering ever since. While I was prepared for a long, painful recovery, I have been pleasantly surprised by the recuperation process. I have not been able to drive since I have had surgery, nor have I been able to go to work, or workout, or cook. So being without those things has been a challenge. I tend to tire more easily right now, and I am sore and deal with muscle spasms. But that has really been the extent of my recovery. I had been expecting more pain, more discomfort, more exhaustion. I had also been expecting to feel depression and isolation afterwards. I am grateful that I have not experienced all those things that I thought I would; the negative emotions, the grief, the sadness, the depression and the pain associated with a mastectomy. It is truly a blessing.

  • I have been catching up on my reading during my recovery.

And while resting and recovering has been a bit of challenge (I’m not really good at taking it easy), I have been able to work from home and to walk on the treadmill.  I have had people offer to drive me anywhere that I might need to go.  And just this past weekend, I took someone up on that offer and attended a reunion meeting.  Trust me when I say that was big deal.  I needed the entire next day to recover because it did wear me out.  I also began cooking again this past week – just a couple of meals, because, yes cooking is a challenge.  I never realized just how much you use your pectoralis muscles for everyday movements…all of those movements that I took for granted. 

I go back again this week for another follow-up appointment. The results of each appointment have been encouraging. I did find out during the first follow-up that there were two areas of invasive cancer hidden beyond the DCIS. They believe they got it all, so my treatment will not require chemotherapy or radiation, only anti-cancer meds for the next ten years. Yet another blessing.

Had I not gone to the James for a second opinion, I would have gone forward with the original plan of action – a lumpectomy. The lumpectomy would not have revealed the invasive cancer because they would have only removed the identified cancerous area. The invasive cancer was in another area and was found when they biopsied the entire mass. My friend, who encouraged me to seek a second option; I credit her with saving my life because the invasive cancer would have gone undetected. And the fact that it was invasive says it all.

When this whole journey began in the middle of 2019, I never thought it would lead me down this path.  Cancer was something with which I ever expected to be diagnosed. I mean, I watch what I eat, I exercise, I don’t smoke, I get regular checkups; I was doing everything I was supposed to do to lead a healthy lifestyle. And I didn’t have a family history of breast cancer.  It is a mystery how I developed breast cancer.  But this journey has fostered such a feeling of gratitude and the realization that there is a last time for everything. 

2019 encapsulated a lot of last times for me. 2019 was the last time I was ever going to be normal; it was life before I had cancer. I was sure life would not look normal for me again – ever. I could not have been more incorrect. Each day is a step closer to my new normal. And while there have been a lot of last times, there are going be a lot of new beginnings. Some of those new beginnings actually started because I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Some of the many flowers I received. They really brighted my day.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, sent me notes, letters, cards, emails and texts.  Thank you to those people who made meals, sent flowers and gifts, called, and visited.  Thank you to everyone who understood when I didn’t want to talk, or have visitors, or change out of sweatpants.  Thank you for all the ways each of you have made this a journey of grace and mercy for me.

This quote means a lot and has helped me focus on what is important and reminds me that God is in control.

Brad Paisley’s song Last Time for Everything has become one of my favorite songs.  While there is a last time for everything, last times are also opportunities for new beginnings.  But even with all of the blessings that came from it; I am hoping that this is the last time that I will be diagnosed with cancer.

Today, celebrate everything because it just may be the last time, and welcome the new beginnings that await you. Today, please pray for me and I will pray for you.

Peace

As I typed this, I was on a plane to Savannah; well actually Atlanta. I had a layover there. But honestly, who doesn’t have a layover in Atlanta. It is the busiest airport in the US. I gazed out the window, high above the clouds that looked almost like the ocean. I love the ocean. It brings me such peace. 

“It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”

The Alchemist, Paul Coelho

Although peace is what I have right now, – I am at peace with the turbulence of my flight, I am at peace with the work that I am heading to Savannah to do, I am at peace with tying up loose ends for my work with the Steubenville Catholic School’s, I am at peace with making preparations for my family, – the thought of my approaching surgery lingers in the back of mind like a shadow. It is overshadowing my peace, but it has not disturbed it just yet. Obviously, I missed mass Wednesday morning because of my early flight, but that didn’t disturb my peace either. God knew I would still begin my day spending time with Him. And I did, just not the way in which I normally would.   

Since this diagnosis. I have taken prayer requests. I figured the least I can do is offer this “inconvenience” for the benefit of others. So as the plane was de-iced yesterday morning I prayed a rosary for a dear friend and her intentions.

Fast-forward 24 hours and I’m catching my Lyft to the airport. My driver was Edward, a delightful Army veteran. He and his wife have been married for 47 years, have 4 children (one child died a day after birth) and have lived all over the world. He served in Desert Storm and he told me, “I am one of those people who believe in God.” I liked him right away. We had some wonderful conversations about family, faith and life. When he dropped me off, I shook his hand, thanked him for his service and said May God bless you.

I don’t normally close conversations with strangers in that manner, but I did without even thinking. Maybe because I know God has blessed me. Maybe because I know that people are praying me for near and far. People whom I know well and people whom I don’t even know at all. I appreciate those prayers, those well wishes and good thoughts, those positive vibes and good juju, more than you know. And I can feel them because I am at peace as I approach Mondays surgery date.

The Carmelites sister in Savannah, GA are praying for me. In fact, they are offering their Monday mass for me. My TOR sisters are praying for me and prayed with me earlier  this week. I will have an anointing of the sick just days before surgery. My family, my friends, my co-workers, my husbands co-workers, my Crusader family, my Facebook community, my acquaintances, my neighbors and even strangers are praying for me. I know I have nothing to worry about. 

As I was flying back into Atlanta on my return home today, I was reading The Alchemist.  A line from that book struck me; “It is said that all people who are happy have God within them.”  I would have called you crazy if you told me that a few years ago. But I truly believe that now. Spending time with the Franciscan sisters confirmed that for me. But now, I am experiencing that for myself. 

Thank you for your prayers. I ask that you please pray for me in a special way on Monday as I will undergo another biopsy and surgery. As always, I will continue to pray for you

Living the Dream

Surprisingly, to others and to myself, I am in a good place right now. You would think that someone facing cancer and a mastectomy in less than two weeks, along with the uncertainty of knowing the extent of the cancer or the treatment plan, might be in a dark, soulless, sad place. I’m not. I am happy, I am at ease, I am content. I am not scared, I am not worried, I am not anxious. In a word, I am peaceful.

When I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am as surprised as anybody by my mental and emotional state. I mean, shouldn’t I be stressed? Shouldn’t I be frazzled? Shouldn’t I be dismayed? Shouldn’t I be nervous? Maybe I should be, but I’m not.

And then I saw a quote shared by a friend on Facebook that read, “You can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” It really struck me. You see, God and I weren’t really close friends until about two and a half years ago. I mean I believed in God, but I didn’t really have a relationship with Him outside of attending the obligatory Sunday service. And even that didn’t happen with much regularity. I was pretty closed off to God. He was some far distant being that I really didn’t understand and I was pretty certain He did not really know me.

Inspired by my work with the Franciscan Sisters, TOR; I decided I would give a relationship with God a chance. I mean, I was working for these women who had these incredible relationships with God, but I really didn’t. They were happy, joyful, peaceful. I was not. The difference, God was a part of their lives; God was not a part of mine.

So I began attending Sunday mass regularly, then a couple of masses during the week. At first it was sporadic, but then it grew into attending the daily mass. I would skip Saturday, because I thought I needed to sleep in. Yes, lame, I know. Then one Saturday, I was awake early, so I went to mass. Over the course of a few months, it developed into a daily habit…attending mass. I know that habit developed because of the influence of the sisters.

I have been attending daily mass for just over two years. Now on the days, that I do not go to mass, there is a little bit of an emptiness. I miss it. It affects the rest of my day. Fortunately, the days that I miss are few and far between because daily mass is a priority for me. And while I no longer work for the sisters, I still try to attend mass at the monastery at least once a week.

Most of my mornings begin with mass at the high school or at Holy Rosary (the church is right across the street from the school and they have a 7:00am mass Tuesday-Friday). But today I decided to attend 8:00am morning mass at my own parish, Holy Family. I knew the pastor would hear my confession this morning, and I wanted to get right with the Lord before surgery.

There was a reason I was at that mass. Aside from receiving the sacrament of reconciliation and seeing some people whom I have not seen in a while, Monsignor’s homily spoke directly to me. It was based on the responsorial psalm, and the theme – trust in the Lord, do not fear. He asked the congregation, “Do you trust in God? If you do, you will not be afraid.” It was in that moment that I realized that I truly do trust in God to handle this whole cancer thing for me, because I am not afraid. I am at peace. I am happy. Overall, my life is great and I am living the dream. I’m just living the dream with a little bit of cancer.

Yes, there are moments when doubt and fear creep in. There are moments when the uncertainty overwhelms me. I would be lying if said that didn’t happen. It does, but not often. Generally, I am good. No, scratch that, I am great! I got this, because God has got this.

So I will heed the advice contained in Psalm 56, “In God I trust, I shall not fear”. The verse that really touched me, 10B-11: “Now I know that God is with me. In God, in whose promise I glory, in God I trust without fear; what can flesh do against me?” That mass, that homily, that verse reinforced for me that you truly “can’t break a woman that seeks her happiness from God.” A little cancer can’t break me.

So today, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6. Trust in God and don’t let anything break you. Please pray from me and I will continue to pray for you.

Living Within The Chaos

This memory came up today on my Facebook feed. It is crazy to look back and see where I was a year ago and just how things have progressed since then. This post, from exactly a year ago, couldn’t be any more true today. So I will live within the chaos and trust that God is good, all the time.

While flying to Atlanta today I was reading the book Girl, Wash Your Face. I got to the chapter, Other Peoples Kids Are So Much Cleaner. It’s funny how that was the chapter where I had left off several days earlier. The whole chapter is about accepting the craziness of your life, living within the busyness of your life, embracing your own chaos.

This chapter could not have been more appropriate as I settled into my seat on my flight to Atlanta. Life, especially over the past year, has been crazy. 2018 was tumultuous and I had been looking forward to a more peaceful 2019. That peacefulness was shattered the second day into the new year.

2019 has already had a number of ups and downs and we are not even out of the first month. None of which I have had any type of control over. I like control, I like to be in control of my life, my plans, my schedule, my surroundings, everything. Control and I are close friends. I wouldn’t say I’m a control freak, but maybe others would disagree.

Today began much the same way as 2019 had started. My original flight was delayed, then it was changed. I was rerouted from New York to Atlanta. However my luggage was still sent to New York. Exactly what could I do about any of this? The answer is live within the chaos, accept it for what it is and adjust as needed. Getting angry and upset and letting the frustration of these turn of events ruin my day would not be of any help. Yes, it’s inconvenient. But nobody is sick, nobody is dying, nobody is stranded, cold or hungry. In the grand scheme of things, this really is no big deal.

So today (and hopefully everyday after) I will embrace the chaos. I will accept that I am not in control of everything, in fact I am learning that I am in control of very little. And in those stressful, frustrating moments I will stop and thank God for all that is good in my life and trust that He is in control.

And somehow today, my luggage arrived in Houston on a flight from LaGuardia just 10 minutes after I did. God is good. All the time.

It was ironic to read this first thing this morning. In a way, I am in the exact same place I was last year at this time, it just looks a little different now. I am less than two weeks away from surgery and I just need to remember that things are never as bleak as they might seem. And I am not in control.

The reverend mother used to tell me not to worry, that God is in control. She would point to the heavens and say “He’s in charge”; so I will just trust that God has got my back. He will take care of everything. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

It's Not What You're Losing, It Is What You Gain In The Process

Inevitably when I am meeting with or visiting people, the first thing they ask me is; “How are you feeling?”  I truly appreciate their care and concern and completely understand why they are asking. I mean I do have cancer, right? So technically, I’m sick.   I probably shouldn’t be feeling all that well. But surprisingly, I feel fantastic.   I’m working out, eating well and generally just enjoying life. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel tired, I’m not in pain; I really do feel great!  In fact, when I tell people that I feel great, I add the disclaimer that if they didn’t tell me I had cancer I would have never known. I mean, I don’t feel like I have cancer, if that makes sense.  

But the stark reality that I do have cancer hit home this week. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday. And while I have shared that I have breast cancer pretty freely, I haven’t really shared what my treatment plan looks like. It looks like this – I have to have a unilateral mastectomy. When I think about it, it’s a lot to process. So for the most part I just don’t think about it. I focus on the good, I focus on the blessings, I focus on the miracles; I focus on all of things that I have gained during this journey with cancer. I try not to think about or concentrate on what I am losing. Basically, I’m losing one of the girls.

When we first made the decision to move forward with the mastectomy, it was a little overwhelming. I felt nauseous for days. But like everything, as time passes you learn to deal with it; you learn accept it. But as the impending surgery approaches, I am feeling those things all over again. There are dozens of thoughts rushing through my mind. And some concern about what happens afterwards. The pre-op appointments made it real. For so long it was one of those things that was going to happen eventually. Well, eventually is upon me.

But I will press on, trying to push the fear that sometimes creeps up out of my mind, not thinking about the negative aspects of cancer. I will focus on all the blessings that this diagnosis has brought about in my life.

I have gotten spend more time with my brother and his wife who have hosted me on each trip to Columbus for appointments, etc. They have made me feel comfortable and welcome. I was worried about intruding into the lives, but they always make me feel like the want me there.

I have spent a lot more time in Columbus which has been really cool.  At one point in my life I did called Columbus, Ohio home. So to be back, although a lot has changed, has been wonderful. 

The Columbus Crew who have made my visits to Columbus so fun

I reconnected with my best friend from high school. We picked up where we had left off ten years ago. Not that we intended to lose touch, but life got in the way. But it has been like no time had passed at all and she has been there for me when I needed her most.

I have reconnected with many other old friends with whom I had lost touch over time. They have reached out.  We’ve met for coffee, grabbed lunch, exchanged texts or just talked on the phone. They will never know how much their presence and support has meant to me. 

I have been shown love, kindness and support from people whom I don’t even know. And the prayers, well let’s just say I know that people are praying for me because I really am at peace with all of this. I can only attribute that peace to God’s grace and the prayers that have been offered on my behalf. 

It’s funny how tragedy and adversity can bring people together and draw out the best in one another. That is a blessing – in fact that is multiple blessings all wrapped up in one.  I am grateful for all of the good that transpired in the midst of this diagnosis and will focus on that as I approach surgery. 

We have all lost something, probably many things, over the course of our lives. Today, focus not on what you could lose, but look at all you have gained.  Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.   

Chance, Coincidence, and Perfect Design

2019 was a tumultuous year for our family, to say the least. From beginning the year with inconvenient illnesses and injuries (colds, flu, bronchitis, and broken bones), to a change of college and career plans for my son (his school of choice filed for financial exigency), to losing my job, my husband taking on more consulting work, and me taking on a new position and at the same time starting a new consulting business in the middle of the year, to finding out at the end of 2019 that I have breast cancer; it has been a wild, crazy and sometimes chaotic ride. But within the chaos, God frequently made His presence known.

When I was working for the Franciscan Sisters, TOR I had once asked the reverend mother if she believed in coincidence or if everything happened for a reason. She told me that she believed that everything happened for a reason. I have to admit, at that time, I was skeptical that this could be true. I mean, really, EVERYTHING happens for a reason? I didn’t fully believe it. I thought there was a lot of room for coincidence.

6:30am moon at the Steubenville Catholic Schools

Chance really had to play a role in the way the way life played out and the way that things occurred, right? I thought it did, I believed that the way things were happening were coincidental, and that there was no rhyme or reason to the way life unfolded. To me, life was a meaningless game of chance – for the most part.

Then I began to realize that everything was happening for a reason, that this was God’s perfect design. There were blessings hidden within all of the chaos, if I just took time to look for them. At the time each of these events occurred, they seemed like a tragedy or a curse. But in retrospect, they were blessings in disguise.

The college my son wanted to attend filing for financial exigency resulted in him finding a school that was actually a better fit for his learning style and was substantially more affordable. The changes in my employment situation opened other doors, provided new avenues for expansion for both me and my husband’s businesses. Those changes also introduced me to new people, new friends, and reconnected me with old friends, who would be influential in my journey during 2019. The unexplained illnesses I was experiencing in the beginning of the year eventually led to an early cancer diagnosis. EARLY DIAGNOSIS. Each of those things that seemed so bleak when they were transpiring held profound beauty that I just couldn’t see at that time.

An evening with old friends – Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Jon Bon Jovi once said that, “Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.” This is so very true. All of those things that tried my patience, shook my faith, and toyed with my sanity were blessings. They were miracles. I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometime you don’t even realize what is happening is a miracle until well after the miracle has occurred.

Ruby and Charlie Boy

And then there was Charlie Boy. And yes, Charlie Boy is a blessing. Or miracle, however you want to look at it. I needed him and he arrived at just the right time. Just like the change in my son’s plans for school and a career. Just like the loss of my job, the establishment of my own consulting business and the growth in my husband’s consulting company. Just like finding a new job. And just like being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Charlie Boy – my therapy dog, my miracle – with all of toys by the fire

All of it, even the cancer is a blessing. It has happened for a reason. It is not a curse, or a scourge, or even a misfortune. Yes, it is a challenge, but great things are born of challenge. I know great things will be born of this, because God wastes nothing.

So today, look at your struggles, your challenges, your trials with fresh eyes and find the miracles buried beneath the chaos. And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

Love at First Sight

In early December I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, checking on friend’s updates and reading their story when I came across this picture of a really cute guy.  I have to admit, I was a bit taken by the photo, so much so that I had to read the profile. But the picture.  Wow.  I ended my Facebook session, but could not get the picture out of my head.

For the next week I would go back and look at the picture and re-read the profile.  I have to admit, it felt a little bit like I was cheating on my entire family I was so caught up by this photo.  I would log into Facebook just to look at him.  I finally took a screen shot so I could view it from my own photos.  Logging in and out of Facebook was consuming a lot of time, just to look at a photo.

After about a week, I finally got up the courage to send a Facebook message. I was smitten and really needed to reach out. I got a response and we scheduled a meeting for Saturday December 21st. I was so excited and so nervous. What if we met and I didn’t like him? Worst yet, what if he didn’t like me? The initial meeting went well, so well in fact that he came home with me. By that evening he was in my bed.

He has been in my bed every night since that meeting. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding and loves him almost as much as I do. Who knew we needed a puppy? Who knew I needed a puppy?

His name is Charlie Boy and I call him my therapy dog.  And he really has been my therapy dog.  He has made me forget about most of the thoughts that have consumed my mind these past few weeks.  He is pure love, joy, and trust.  Just looking at him makes me smile and he always looks like he is smiling back at me.  He has made me profoundly happy.  He cuddles, and nuzzles, and snuggles.  He will follow me around the house, sit by my feet while I make dinner, and lie on my lap while I read.  He will bring me toys to play with him, wrestle with his canine sisters in the living room then all three of them will fall asleep in front of the fire.

The thing is, this probably wasn’t the ideal time for us to adopt a puppy with all that has been going on in our world.  But if not now, when?  We could have waited for conditions to be perfect to add a third dog to our house, but then we would have never adopted another dog. 

But Charlie Boy arrived at the time when I needed him most.  And it honestly was love at first sight for me when I first saw his photo. There was something about his cute little face, black and pink speckled nose and that one floppy ear.  I knew we needed to add him to our family and we weren’t even looking for another dog. 

Yes, Charlie Boy (formerly Scout) needed a forever home, but I think I needed him more.  I call him my cancer dog, but he has made me forget about cancer and everything that is on the horizon that cancer brings with it.  Charlie Boy has made me focus more on the moment at hand.  And his trust in me is unbelievable.  He trusts me completely.  And when he is frightened or nervous or unsure, the first place he comes is to me. He knows I will take care of whatever might be of concern to him.  He reminds me that I need to trust God in all of this; that He will take care of everything. 

So Charlie Boy, my therapy dog, has been the perfect addition to our family.  And my husband was on board from the beginning.  He asked when I was going to complete the application for adoption, when was I going to follow-up to see if we were approved, when were we going to meet our new addition.  Were it not for him hounding me about getting this new puppy, Charlie might not have been part of our family and an integral part of my sanity. 

He has taught me a lot about living in the moment, not waiting for everything to perfect and most of all about trust.  I read a quote somewhere that angels are often disguised as dogs.  If that is true, then I am truly blessed because I have three that protect me and love me unconditionally.   And I believe that it is true.  There is no other way to explain how Charlie came into our lives. 

So today, keep your eyes open for the angels in your life.  They just might have four legs, fur, a wet nose and puppy breathe.  And today, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.