The following passage from Romans is part of my personal email signature:
Romans 5:3-4 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…
I will admit, I added it after I was diagnosed with cancer more as a reminder for me than anything else. So it has been part of my email for about a month now. The first week I began including it, I read it every time I sent an email. But as time passed, I read it less often. It finally got to a point where I had actually forgotten that it was part of my signature.
Then last week, I needed to send an email to a company from whom I had ordered some items for Christmas. I sent the email from my personal account, stating the reason for my inquiry and asking for a reply. I didn’t think anything about the passage from Romans when I sent it because, frankly, I had forgotten that it was there.
Then I got a response from Candace, the customer service associate, who handled my inquiry. This is the exact text from her email:
Hi Jennifer, Thank you for reaching out to us, I have taken a look into your order and the scheduled date of arrival is 12/15. If there is anything else that I can do please let me know. P.S. The closing scripture in your email is absolutely beautiful and powerful you never know what impact words really can have on someone. I Thank you for that!!!
I share this because what she wrote in her post script is so true, you never know the impact that words can have on another person. I am grateful that this scripture passage spoke to her. I know it spoke to me when I read it, so much so that I added to my signature. But I am also grateful for all of those people who have reached out to share their words of hope and encouragement and those who continue to reach out as I begin this journey with cancer…this journey I never ever thought I would be taking. But I am.
And while it is difficult for me to accept this as suffering (I am not in pain, I haven’t had surgery yet, I have not begun treatment, I don’t feel sick, etc.), I realize it is just maybe a different kind of suffering (I am mentally exhausted, I am physically fatigued, I am spiritually drained, I am emotionally worn out). I also realize that everyone is dealing with some kind of suffering in their life, and most of the time we have no idea what that looks like for them.
Remember the REM song, Everybody Hurts? Well, it’s true. Everybody does hurt – sometimes, we just don’t know how or why. Suffering is something very private and very unique to each person. So be kinder than necessary and remember that your words can make a tremendous impact. They can hurt or they can heal. They can inspire or tear down. They can touch a friend or impact a total stranger. Words have power.
Thank you to all of you who have called, emailed, texted, messaged me, sent notes and cards and letters. Your words, your kindness, has made an incredible impact. I am grateful for each of you. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
Tea and shortbread cookies that were a ‘feel better’ gift.
The past few weeks have been a whirl wind of phone calls, doctor’s appointments, tests, meetings with medical professionals, paperwork, questionnaires, insurance inquiries, etc. It has been quite overwhelming but it has also been extremely blessed.
It is funny how a cancer diagnosis changes things. I realize that is a gross understatement, and I am sure most people immediately think that it changes things in a negative way. And while the initial diagnosis threw me for a loop and caused me to immediately focus on all of the things I had not yet done, all of the things still I wanted to do and on my family and how this was going to impact them, as the reality set in, so did the blessings.
You see this year has been an intense series of ups and downs in my life. A number of things have occurred which I had not been expecting and they have been peppered in throughout the entire year. The year began with some really bad colds, which progressed into some other health concerns. That was just the beginning. Then I lost my job, wasn’t able to collect unemployment, and wasn’t really sure if I wanted to continue on my current career path.
Cue the most supportive husband in the world. He stepped up, taking on more consulting work, so that I could figure my stuff out. He even encouraged me to consider some other options, asking “what would you do if you could anything you wanted?” I could not answer that question.
I have done fundraising and advancement work for over 20 years. While it definitely has it challenges and can be draining, it is incredibly rewarding. I love meeting people and hearing their stories, learning what they are passionate about, and building meaningful relationships. I have gained so many friends through my work, I cannot imagine doing anything else. And these are friendships that have continued even after the jobs have ended. So when the opportunity came for me to return to my alma mater to lead their advancement efforts, I accepted the challenge.
When I lost my job in May, I was sad, depressed and a little bitter. I had truly loved that position and could not understand why God would take that joy from me. I really didn’t get it and was really angry about the whole situation. I had intended to retire from that position – that is how much I loved what I was doing and for whom I was working. But God had other plans, other plans that I really didn’t understand until just a couple of weeks ago.
I was offered my current position in June and began in July. One of my first orders of business was to reconnect, re-engage and partner with our high school alumni. So I made a phone call to a gentleman with whom my brother had graduated in an effort to plan a regional event and reach out to others. That phone call resulted in connecting with others who would help plan the event. Eventually we had a dinner meeting to discuss options. The reason I share all of this is that it is because of those interactions that I have formed new friendships (with my brother’s friends) that would not have otherwise occurred had it not been for losing my job and accepting my current position.
One of those friendships happens to be with a Nurse Practitioner with whom I shared my diagnosis. After the initial diagnosis, I wasn’t able to get in to the Cleveland Clinic to get a second opinion, so I accepted that as a sign that I should just move forward with the initial plan of action for treatment. When I shared my diagnosis with my friend, she encouraged me to get a second opinion. And not just a second opinion but a second opinion from one of the leading cancer hospitals in the country, The James at OSU. I’ll admit that initially I was bit apprehensive. I just wanted to trudge on through and take care of this “stuff” now. But after much discussion with her and my husband, we decided that a second opinion was a good idea. And had it not been for this new friendship, I would have never considered going to the The James nor would I have been able to schedule the appointments. She did so much for me, and she probably doesn’t even realize it.
This is why I say, God knew what He was doing back in April. When I thought my life was completely unraveling, God was behind the scenes planning it all out. I could go into great detail about how all of this unfolded to demonstrate just how God has worked through all of the things that I thought (at the time) were going to cause me to come undone. About how the cancer was discovered, really through a fluke, about how friendships have grown out of this illness, about how people come into your life for a reason (and sometimes you might never know what that reason is), about how kindness spills out when you least expect it but need it the most, about each of the blessings that came from what I thought initially were curses. There is so much I could share, but I won’t. (That could actually become a book.)
What I will tell you is that this cancer diagnosis, even with all of the still unknowns, has been a blessing. A real blessing. Who knew that it could be, I certainly didn’t think that before, but it really has been. It has revealed to me all of the wonderful people in my life, it has shown me an incredible amount of love and kindness, it has formed new friendships and strengthen old relationships, it has taught me that I have everything I need, it has made me realize how much I actually take for granted and it has made me rely more on my faith and place my trust in God.
In the first few days after my diagnosis, I was angry and depressed. I couldn’t understand why God would now give me this. I sat in the Father of Mercy Chapel at the Franciscan Sisters Monastery and asked God what He wanted from me. I remember getting this impression that He wanted everything. I didn’t understand what that meant which made me more angry, because I felt like I had been giving Him everything I had. But now I think I realize that He just wants me to trust Him, completely. So I am working on that – complete trust in God.
A lot of times I think that looks like not getting our way, not getting what we want, but there is always a greater plan. God has a greater plan for each of us, are we open to His plan? Today, be open to God’s plan for your life, even when it is dressed as a struggle and looks painful. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I recently read the following quote, “When something goes wrong, yell ‘plot twist’ and move on”. I kind of feel like that is how this year has been for me. I mean it really has been a roller coaster. I have needed to yell plot twist on no fewer than half a dozen occasions. But being diagnosed with breast cancer has been the biggest plot twist yet!
It has taken me a couple of weeks to really process everything, and unfortunately, there are still a few unknowns. For the most part, at least right now, nothing has really changed. I still get up and attend morning mass. I still go to work every day. I still take the dogs on their daily walk (weather permitting) and work out. I still cook dinner each day and I am still planning to host our annual Thanksgiving celebration (my favorite holiday). Essentially, life is still business as usual. The only difference now; it’s business as usual knowing that I have cancer.
It has been a crazy two weeks, and to be honest, the longest two weeks of my life. Tom Petty was right; the waiting really is the hardest part. But in those two weeks, I have learned quite a bit. The one thing I have realized is just how incredibly blessed I am by the people in my life. The outpouring of love and support, from the messages, texts, phone calls, emails, thoughtful gestures, and notes has been overwhelming. I cannot begin to thank everyone for their kindness and concern. You will never know what all of it means to me. It is almost like the end of the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey didn’t realize how many people cared about him until Clarence showed him. Because of all of those people who have reached out this past week, I have felt a lot like that. The outpouring of support has been so incredible that I watched that very movie the other evening. And it has made this transition into the cancer club a little easier.
It has also shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am (and if you know me, I think I’m pretty strong). But this has been a real test for me, all of it, especially in the way it has all progressed. Like REO Speedwagon says, you just gotta roll with the changes. So I am trying to roll with all of them, and turn on those curve balls that life keeps throwing me. You know if you can adjust, you can drive a curve ball out of the park. It’s all about adjustment.
I will admit that few things have changed. I have spent more time watching movies in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. My husband is the movie buff, not me. But lately, watching movies with him has really been a release for me. I have been watching movies that I don’t really have to think too much about, movies that I have already seen, and basically movies that make me feel good – like It’s a Wonderful Life. (Although I did binge a bit on the Halloween franchise).
I have tried to be more present to the people around me and spend more quality time with family and friends. From actually talking on the phone (not something I normally do), to meeting friends for coffee, to having lunch with friends or family, to making sure we sit down together for family dinners, those things have become a lot more important in the last few weeks. I realize just how important it is to “Be here now”.
And I have become a bit more selfish. I stop doing something when I get tired. I take more naps and I go to bed early. I sit quietly and read or just lie on the couch and veg-out. And if I am being honest, I walk the dogs more for my benefit that theirs. It is like therapy for me, but they do enjoy a good walk – Eve more so than Ruby. Maybe that’s not really selfish, but I am trying to listen to my body when I know it’s tired, or I when need some time to unwind and refocus, or when I just need a long walk.
And please don’t be afraid to ask me about it, really. I am not going to begin that conversation, but if you are curious or concerned, or just need to talk about it, please ask. I am okay with this. I can talk about it. In fact, if you ask me, I’m going to tell you that I’ve got this…that we’ve got this. Because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be in such a good place (and I am in a good place mentally and emotionally) were it not for my family, my friends, and my faith. So when I say we, I really mean WE – you – my amazing family and friends, me and God.
Thank you for being part of my tribe, my clan, my posse, my family and thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, concerns, good vibes, and well- wishes. Yes, we got this – together. Cancer picked the wrong person to mess with because of all of the people who’ve got my back. I am thankful for each of you and the role you play in my life especially on this particular journey.
Please send me any prayer intentions that I can offer up for you during this time. And as always, please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I never imagined that at the age of 47, I would have so many doctors. I have primary care physician. That one makes sense, everybody should have a PCP. I have an OBY/GYN. That makes sense too, being a woman and all. But I also have an orthopedic surgeon, who I have seen far too often. I guess that’s because I am active and work out. I have had Achilles tendon surgery and have had to see him for shoulder and rotator cuff issues. Fortunately, I haven’t had to see him in a while. I have a podiatrist. Really at the age of 47 I need a foot doctor? I have one. I have a hand specialist too! I also have a cardiologist and a pulmonologist. Who knew that once I hit 45, I would have a need for all of these doctors.
Yesterday, I got to add another doctor to my ever growing list – well two actually. Yesterday was also my stepson’s 30th birthday, so it was kind of a big day. The 30th birthday, that’s kind of a turning point in everyone’s life. I mean at 30, you really are a full-fledged adult. So November 6th has always been a day that I remember. But yesterday, that date became a day that I will now remember for other reasons. November 6th was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I got to add Oncologist and General/Breast Surgeon to my ever growing list of doctors.
Let’s just say that I didn’t think that I had breast cancer. I just haven’t really felt right the past several months, (since around March). Just kind of fatigued, short of breath, just not myself. That is how this journey began, with the PA/NP at my PCP, who referred me the cardiologist and things just progressed from there. It had absolutely nothing to do with my breasts!
I mean I had found a lump, just a few weeks ago but to me that was normal because I have fiber-cystic breasts. It really wasn’t a big deal. I have had lumps before. And I just had a mammogram at the end of April. The results were fine. Less than a week after I found the lump, I had a CT scan and there were some concerns when the results came back. And it was the PA/NP from the cardiologist’s office who had the greatest concern and ordered another mammogram and ultrasound. Those tests – the ultrasound in particular indicated an anomaly. They wanted to do a biopsy. Okay, this is just precautionary, better to be safe than sorry. That was done on Monday November 4th. I wasn’t supposed to get my results until tomorrow.
The PA/NP from cardiologist’s office is wonderful. She calls me after hours, texts me, and checks on me. She had asked me to check-in with her after the biopsy. Well, I didn’t check in with her until Tuesday evening. I wanted to let her know that it had been done and that I was sore and uncomfortable – it was worse the day after. We exchanged some texts. She has been very supportive and helpful and seems more like a friend that my health professional. She sent me a text later in the evening and asked me to stop in the office in the morning. Initially, I thought she just wanted to check the incision because I had kind of been complaining about it in our texts.
That wasn’t why she wanted to see me. She had gotten the pathology report about an
hour or so after we exchanged our texts on Tuesday night. She didn’t want me to
have to wait until Friday. She didn’t
want me to have to endure the weekend without any answers. She wanted me to see an oncologist
immediately and know exactly what I was facing and what my options were.
When she walked into the office, I knew immediately. To be honest, I actually sensed it the night before. Actually, I just had feeling about all of it, even before the mammogram, etc. I kind of knew when the CT results came back and they needed to run more tests. I guess I really knew I had cancer before I knew I had cancer. I just didn’t know what kind of cancer; and I certainly didn’t think it was breast cancer.
But I have breast cancer. And I have been talking to God about all of this, even before the diagnosis, trying to figure out what it is He is trying to show me or teach me through all of this. I think one thing is that I need to rely on Him and others more; to ask other people for help and not try to take this on all on my own. As my sister pointed out to me, she said, “I know you’re a private person…but you may need some help.” I am not great at asking for help or sharing anything that is personal or private – especially when it comes to how I feel. I know I have wonderful family who are there for me, not to mention an amazing husband and son who have been an incredible support over the past 24 hours. (my diagnosis is just over 24 hours old).
And while I have breast cancer, I also have my faith and God will give me the strength and the resources to get through this. He has already given me my family and my friends to support me. He has given me amazing health care professionals who have called to check on me and gone above and beyond to get me what I need. (The PA/NP from my PCP called me yesterday afternoon.) He has given me my TOR Sisters and my Crusader family who are praying for me. So, from where I stand, God has got me covered. No matter what lies ahead, I know something amazing will come out of this trial. Like my tattoo says “trust unto God and He will direct your path”. So today, please pray for me in a special way and I will continue to pray for you.
The American Red Cross was at the High School today for a blood drive, so I decided I would go and donate blood. I used to donate frequently, because my former employer often held blood drives at work. But it has been several years since I last donated. It was time to start again.
I arrived early, the second person in line to begin the process. I had to re-register because it had been so long. They checked my pulse, blood pressure and iron content and every looked great. Then it was time for the questionnaire. It was pretty simple and straightforward. Then there was the question asking if you had gotten a tattoo in the last 12 months.
Well, I have had a tattoo. It was done in January of this year. So I said yes, I have gotten a tattoo in the last 12 months. After I completed the questionnaire, the Red Cross worker came back and asked if I had any questions. I did. I had a question about the question about the tattoo. I told her I had gotten one and wondered what the ramifications were. She asked in what state I had gotten it, and I said Pennsylvania. Well that was it, now I could not donate blood. Had it been in done in Ohio or West Virginia, I could have. It has something to do with how the states regulate tattoo parlors. So I didn’t donate blood today.
And the woman was very nice about it, she told me I could come back in January and donate. But I informed her that I was getting another tattoo is December, in Pittsburgh – because that is where my tattoo artist is located, so that was out – again. I guess I am not meant to donate blood.
I was 45 years old when I got my first tattoo. I had toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo in my 20’s. My husband had tattoos, I thought they were cool, but I didn’t think they were fore me. Then some things in my life changed.
“A tattoo is a true poetic creation, and is always more than meets the eye. As a tattoo is grounded on living skin, so its essence emotes a poignancy unique to the mortal human condition.”
My first tattoo was done on September 30, 2016. It is located on my left should blade/back. It is a compass with the words “Trust unto God and He shall direct your path.” I got it because for the first time in my life, I really put my trust in God. I believe I followed Him where He was trying to lead me. That tattoo commemorates beginning a new relationship with Christ and renewing my faith and trust in God.
Just over 1 year later, I got my second tattoo on October 1, 2017. It covers my right shoulder cap. I tend to live to in the past or focus on planning for the future. I am inclined to look at where I have been and what I have done to help plan where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. I have always done that. So sometimes, I really miss the present.
I asked the artist to design a clock face with the time 6:13pm on it surrounded by irises and the words “Be Here Now”. My son was born at 6:13pm. He was 16 when I got the tattoo and I was wondering where time had gone and what I had really missed by being so focused on everything but the present moment. My grandparents always had irises growing in their side yard. Irises have a special place in my heart. They also symbolize courage, wisdom, faith, and hope. The words “be here now”, inspired by my husband, remind me to live in the present. It is one of the most beautiful tattoos I have ever seen.
Five months after I got that tattoo, my father passed away. I wanted a tattoo to honor and remember him. There were specific words from his funeral mass that stuck with me. “For those who love you, Lord, death is not the end nor does it sever the bonds you forge in our lives.” Those words touched me deeply.
I have always loved the logo for the Franciscan Sisters TOR. It is an image of a woman at the foot of the crucified Christ. I have grown to love that image even more because of the influence and impact these sisters have had on my life. However, I was unsure how the community would feel about me getting their image tattooed on my skin. So I asked the Reverend Mother (who is not a big fan of tattoos). She was flattered by the request because she knows all of my tattoos mean something. I incorporate my Dad’s dates of birth and death and his signature. I combed through old cards and letters until I found his signature on a letter he sent me college, “Love Dad”. On May 22, 2018, I had the tattoo done on my right shoulder blade/back.
Everyone told me that tattoos were addictive. I did not believe them. I got my 4th tattoo in July 2018. I had decided in May that I wanted a new artist to do the next one. My husband had found the Gaelic phrase “Tada gan Iarracht” which means nothing without effort. I loved that phrase because it sums up so much about my life. Everything that is good in my life has come through concentrated effort.
I wanted to incorporate a shamrock and a Celtic knot into the tattoo. The shamrock represents the Trinity – The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. It represents my faith and ongoing conversion. I also wanted a Celtic Knot. Celtic knots are endless, symbolizing continuity and the infinite and eternal. I went with a version of the Celtic quaternary knot which has four sides. The four sides are said to be symbolic of directions (north, south, east, west), elements (earth, wind, fire, and water), seasons (spring, summer, fall, and winter) or the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John).
Immediately after that one, I knew I wanted an hourglass with a tree inside it, a swallow tail butterfly on the hourglass and the words Carpe Diem. The butterfly signifies transformation, resurrection and strength in vulnerability. The hourglass symbolizes the past and the future, life and death. For me it means that “old things have passed away; behold all things become new.” The tree represents strength. The roots are a connection to the past; the leaves represent growth and rebirth. Carpe Diem, reminds me to seize the day, make your life extraordinary. It complements “be here now” that is on my right shoulder cap. I had it done just a few months later.
And then came my sixth tattoo. I love Edgar Allen Poe. The poem “The Raven”, is one of my favorites. Ravens also fed Elijah in 1 Kings 17. I had my go-to artist in Pittsburgh design the entire thing. I wanted ravens, books and a candle. The ravens symbolize wisdom, the books symbolize knowledge, and the candle symbolizes spirituality and represents light over dark/good over evil. It was this tattoo that prevented me from donating blood today.
I never thought I would have a tattoo, let alone 6 within the span of a few years. And I am planning my 7th. Spoiler alert: it will be St. Michael the Archangel. But every tattoo means something and represents a part of my life. I am grateful to my husband for introducing me to the world of tattoo art and I have been fortunate to have had fantastic and talented artists who have done the work.
And I am always surprised when people find out that I have tattoos (none are visible from a professional standpoint), there is almost an attitude of “Oh, I didn’t know I was better than you” or “I didn’t realize you were __ (fill in the blank – trashy, rebellious, wild, crazy etc.)”. I am proud of my tattoos, my journey and what they represent for me.
One of the artists who did some of my work was once asked, what’s the weirdest tattoo you have ever done? The artist said that they could not answer that because tattoos mean something different to each person. A tattoo that one person might find undesirable may have a meaningful, sentimental significance to the owner. I like that answer. It made sense and made me greater appreciate everybody’s tattoos, everybody’s story, and everybody’s individual journey.
So today, don’t be so quick to judge people based on what you think you know about them, and remember that everybody has their own story and is on their own individual journey. Appreciate your own journey no matter how rocky, bumpy, crazy or scary it might seem; it will eventually lead you somewhere amazing. You might even want to get a tattoo to commemorate it. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
My husband had to wake me up this morning. Let me mention that I usually wake up a good thirty minutes before my actual alarm. So I am normally awake around 5am. But this morning, he came in at 5:29am and asked if I was going to work today. I was startled to say the least, one because he ran into the corner of the bed which kind of shook me awake, and two, because for me, I had effectively over slept.
The over sleeping part has been bothering me all day. I don’t over sleep and I certainly don’t sleep so soundly that I don’t hear my husband when he gets up in the morning. But I guess I was tired, really tired.
We have just come off of a weekend that jam packed with adventure and shenanigans. We began Friday evening with dinner at home, but soon decided to head to a local brewery, Dungeon Hollow, for a beer. Well, one beer turned into two which turned into a tour of brewery, which is in old home that was built in 1806. That turned into a sharing of ghost stories and other adventures. While we were not out all that late, anything after 8pm is late for me.
We returned home around 9pm and I fell asleep in front of the fire with my dog, Ruby, by my side. At some point, I finally got up and went to bed, leaving my husband abandoned in his recliner. He had also fallen asleep. Cue Saturday morning.
We were up fairly early to have breakfast with our 18-year-old son. His treat, he wanted to take us out. So we headed out for breakfast around 8am. That meant I missed morning mass, but I figured God understood and probably even approved of this time together with family.
It was delightful morning. We talked and laughed and really got to spend some meaningful time together. When we parted ways, our son headed to work (he works at a local hardware store) and we headed to Pittsburgh. We went with friends for a day of ax throwing and beer sampling (In that order). It was fantastic day, and I am grateful for the time that we got share with family and friends.
But once again, I was exhausted. We talked about going out that night; there was a band playing at Dungeon Hollow on Saturday evening, but it was raining and I was kind of done with beer for the day. I know that might sound profane to some you who know me well. But it was the truth. So we opted to stay in, order pizza and chill out for the night. Besides, we had another big day planned for Sunday.
We got up early Sunday morning and headed to mass at Holy Rosary. They have an 8:30am mass and we wanted to get an early start. We were headed to Coopers Rock to go leaf peepin’. The day began grey and rainy, and we weren’t entirely sure if the weather would cooperate with our plans to view the leaves and do a little hiking. Our original plans were to take the dogs with us, but the downpours the night before left the ground very wet and muddy. So the girls stayed home, much to their chagrin.
By the time we arrived, the sun had burst through the clouds and it was shaping up to be a gorgeous fall day. It was just about as perfect as you can get. We spent some time on the overlook then hiked a couple of different trails before heading back to the car.
What do we do after hiking, drink beer, of course! We headed to Mountain State Brewing for some beer and pizza (try the Yardsale) before heading back home.
While it was an exhausting weekend, it was quite honestly a perfect weekend. We did little, if any housework – except for a load of laundry here and there. We left the grass unmowed and leaves strewn about yard. We spent time together as a family, we spent time with friends, and we got to enjoy the beauty of God’s creation. It was the best possible way to become exhausted. I wasn’t tired from work, or chores, or errands. I was tired because I had a full weekend with family and friends.
We are all so busy that we don’t really ever seem to get enough quality time with family and friends. When we finally have the time we are usually too tired to do anything meaningful. But this weekend was different. This weekend we made spending time with others a priority. I will take that kind of tiredness, that joyful exhaustion from hanging with family, spending time with friends, going on crazy adventures, sharing stories and toasting beers, any day over the fatigue of work, chores, errands, and general mundane busyness.
Today I am grateful for family, friends, food, axes, beer, hiking, and exhaustion; the kind of joyful exhaustion that comes from living your best life. I hope you have the opportunity to experience joyful exhaustion and that kind of gratitude, too. Today, I hope you live your best life. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
What are you afraid of? This question has been in my head for the past few days, well probably since Friday. I am not sure what prompted this question or why it came to mind. But it has been there.
Maybe because, as we are approaching Halloween, I tend to watch more shows about ghosts and haunted places than normal. Those shows tend to frighten me, temporarily, in so much that I don’t want to let the dogs out or go to the basement by myself at night. And I will never watch those shows when I am home alone. But I don’t really think that’s fear, I think that is simply over analyzing everything and an over active imagination based on what I have just seen.
So I really started to think about what I am afraid of and while I would love to say nothing, there are some things that do cause fear. I am not a big fan of heights. But I wouldn’t call it a fear, more of an uneasiness. I can be on the top floors of tall buildings, walk across bridges and look over, I did the Sky Walk at the Grand Canyon, and I actually want to try sky diving. I don’t care for crowds or confined spaces, but again that is not fear just preference. So maybe I don’t necessarily have fear maybe its more like worry. Because there are a number of things that concern me.
Yesterday was a beautiful fall day, so my husband and I decided to go for ride on our motorcycles. When we ride we have a communication device that allows us to talk to each other on our bikes. We were riding back roads taking in the gorgeous autumn scenery. My husband typically leads when we ride together so he was about 2 bike lengths ahead of me. We were talking about the beautiful day, the trees, the falling leaves, the general beauty of the landscape, and how much we were enjoying the day. As we were coming up route 213 just past Bell Chapel, a full-sized red pick-up truck was straddling the center line and the driver was on his cell phone. I saw him, and fortunately my husband saw him and was able to swerve out of the path of oncoming truck. It was an “oh, shit” moment. In fact, I am certain that I said that very statement more than few times in those few seconds. Then I immediately asked if he was okay. Thank God he saw the truck and had the presence of mind to swerve out his way, thus averting a fatality. Because that is exactly what it would have been, a fatality. Thank God.
As we rode on, I continued to think about that incident and what could have happened. What could have happened if I would have been leading? What could have happened if my husband didn’t see the truck? What could have happened if the driver had a different reaction and came farther over into our lane? What could have happened if this had occurred 100 yards sooner on the blind curve that we just rode through? What could have happened if…fill in the blank. And then I thanked God again, that none of those “what, if’s” happened.
That’s when the question, “What are you afraid of?” came back to mind. And I realized what I am not afraid of. I’m not afraid of dying myself, but losing my spouse, my son, my family members and those that I care about concerns me. I lost my father less than two years ago, and let me tell you that loss does not get easier with time. You just learn how to better deal with that empty space, but that pain never really leaves you – ever.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years, so I really can’t imagine my life without him. We do everything together. And the fact that we came so close to something THAT catastrophic was eye-opening to say the least. But that led to other thoughts which stem from the “what, if” scenarios. I worry about how my family would handle my death (if something should happen to me) and how they would handle life after my death. I wouldn’t call it fear, but I would call it concern.
And as I thought about what I was afraid of, I thanked God – again, that I wouldn’t have to address those fears, those concerns, at least not today. Somebody was watching over us on that ride (Thank God). Was it our guardian angels? Was it our deceased family and friends? Was it St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers (we have St. Christopher medals sewn into our motorcycle jackets)? Was it God? Was it all of the above?
Then I realized that with faith, I don’t need to be afraid of anything. And it was almost as if God had been asking me what I was afraid of, because I didn’t – I don’t need to be afraid. I just need to be patient, have faith and trust in God.
Do not be afraid.
It is said that the phrase or some version of the phrase; “do not be afraid”, “fear not, or “have no fear”, appears 365 times in the Bible. I am not a Bible scholar, so I don’t know if that is true. But I do know that it is Bible numerous times. Here are few of my favorites:
Joshua 1:9 “I command you: be strong and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD, your God, is with you wherever you go.”
Mark 5:36 “Do not be afraid; just have faith.”
Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
So today, rather than think about what you are afraid of, be not afraid. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
It has been cold a rainy the past few days, but I must admit, I truly love this time of year. The crispness of the air, the damp chill, the smell of the dry leaves, falling from the trees and the way they crunch beneath your feet, apple cider, sweaters and boots and fleece vests and hoodies, crackling fires, and amazing October sunsets; I love all things autumn. In fact, I love all seasons, the changes of the seasons and the beauty of each transition. But Fall is my favorite!
As I drove into work this morning, just before dawn broke I could not help but ponder the wonder and majesty of God. I know there are people who do not believe in God, or are unsure if God does truly exist. I understand that it is difficult to comprehend the concept of a merciful God when we see all that is going on in the world. I was one of those people at one time, so I fully understand that thought process. But that is where free will comes into play.
I attended the all school mass this morning; we have a weekly mass with all of the students each Thursday (and on first Friday’s each month). Fr. Michael our chaplain was away on a diocesan priest event, so Fr. Michael from the Marian’s of the Immaculate Conception said mass.
Today is the feast of St. Ignatius of Antioch. Fr. Michael shared quite a bit about St. Ignatius of Antioch and how he was martyred (killed by wild animals). During his homily, father shared the following “I am writing to all the churches to let it be known that I will gladly die for God if only you do not stand in my way. I plead with you: show me no untimely kindness. Let me be food for the wild beasts, for they are my way to God. I am God’s wheat and bread. Pray to Christ for me that the animals will be the means of making me a sacrificial victim for God. No earthly pleasures, no kingdoms of this world can benefit me in any way. I prefer death in Christ Jesus to power over the farthest limits of the earth.”
He indicated that Ignatius was deeply in love with God and that each of us should strive for the same. He also stated, and this is what struck me hardest, God doesn’t send anyone to hell, we choose it by our actions. Wow, is that ever powerful. And that is free will!
God doesn’t send anyone to hell, we choose it by our actions.
Fr. Michael, MIC
We choose hell by our actions, God doesn’t condemn us to hell. That truly is free will. Free will allows us to choose. God wants us to choose Him, by how many times do we choose something other than him? How many times do we choose money, fame, prestige, power, titles, positions, pleasure, our own wants and desires, sleep, alcohol, food, etc. over God. How many times do we choose selfishness, arrogance, conceit, prejudice, gluttony, pride, anger, and self-centeredness? Or do we choose not to believe at all? Do we choose to deny the presence and the existence of God, or only believe in God when it convenient?
What will you choose today?
As I came back to my office after mass, I looked out my window. The sunlight was just beginning to break through the grey clouds. It was streaming through, dancing on the leaves of the trees, leaves tipped with bright yellow as the trees begin their transition. And I wondered how people could not believe in a loving God, a God of grace and mercy and forgiveness. All of this beauty that surrounds us speaks of God’s majesty and power and love. Then I realized that people probably aren’t seeing this magnificence.
We get so caught up in the minutia of day to day living; we forget to take in all of the splendor that is around us. We forget to choose God. And its not just the beautiful landscapes, the oceans, mountains, valleys, lakes and rivers or the fields and meadows, the long spans of desert and winding country roads. It’s the daily interactions that we have with one another. It’s taking a walk with friend, it’s calling your parents just to “check-in”, it’s sending a random text to a person you haven’t talked to in a while, it’s buying coffee for the car behind you in the drive-thru, it’s making a little extra dinner to share with the elderly woman who lives alone down the street, it’s visiting your sick friend in the hospital, holding her hand and telling her it’s going to be alright, it’s showing compassion to those who are less fortunate than you and extending a hand in friendship to a stranger.
It is all those little things that we do on a daily basis – usually without even thinking about them – brewing coffee for your coworkers, making breakfast for your family, packing lunches for your kids, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, car-pooling, preparing dinner, reading your children a bedtime story and tucking them in at night, having a glass of wine (or beer) with your spouse after a long day. The magnificence and beauty, the choosing God, is in all of these little things, but we are so caught up in the stress of day to day that we fail to see their impact, their brilliance. We fail to see them for what they really are, everyday miracles.
Today take a little time to look for everyday miracles and be an everyday miracle for someone else. Today choose God. And please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I am amazed by the things that are transpiring right now and how they parallel the things that I experienced one year ago. I am sure it is not a coincidence that what I reflected on just one year ago are the very same contemplation’s that fill my mind now. I am just sure what God is trying to tell me through this. At least not yet.
So once again when my memories from last year came up, I feel like it was worthy of sharing. Especially when it builds on some concepts I have already shared this week and resonates with the theme that seems to be developing for me this week; including Ellen’s message about being kind and how that applies to everyone – not just people with whom you share a commonality. I have gained a new respect for her. Her statement and this reflection share a common thread. So here it is…
I love dogs. I actually love animals, but I am partial to dogs (and cats). There is a dog beach located a short walk from the condo in which we are staying. While I obviously miss my boys when I travel, I also miss my animals, especially the dogs – Ruby and Eve. Cats are great, but they can be fickle and aloof and independent. And they are not always happy to see me. Dogs, on the other hand, are loyal, loving, and always happy.
I walk to the dog beach every day to get my “fix”. I am usually greeted by a few dogs that can just sense that I am dog person. Their owners always seem a bit apprehensive at first when their dog runs towards me, but once they realize that I fully welcome their furry companions attention, their nervousness turns to relief. We typically end up in a conversation about what else, our dogs.
The dog beach is filled with all types of dogs, big dogs and little dogs, senior dogs and puppies, furry dogs and short haired dogs, fat dogs and thin dogs, pure-breds and mutts. And their owners also come from every spectrum imaginable, men and women, young people and retirees, gay and straight, liberal and conservative, wealthy and poor, atheist and Christian, and every nationality and race imaginable. But the dogs don’t view each other by their different backgrounds or by the categories of gender, age, race, religion or political persuasion. They view each other as coming from the same family – canis lupus familiaris.
Tux, the cat, thinks she is a dog. Ruby and Eve accept her as one of their own.
They are all dogs. It doesn’t matter if they are registered with the American Kennel Club or adopted from a shelter, if they are male or female, neutered or spayed, young or old, shaggy or short haired. They are happy to have the opportunity to run on the beach, chase a ball, walk with their owners, meet other dogs, play in the surf, run after the birds, or just lounge in the sand. You see, dogs don’t have an agenda or expectations. They are not worried about impressing each other or out to serve some self-interest. Watching them interact with each other and with their owners, you can clearly see what gratitude and happiness looks like. They are an example of pure, unadulterated joy. Dogs take nothing for granted. They have low expectations, they are accepting, and the love unconditionally. They delight in the simple things in life; a run/walk on the beach, enjoy the company of friends, the opportunity to play, and moments to sit rest and just be.
You see, we can learn a lot from dogs. They are accepting of each other. It doesn’t matter where they came from, what their current situation is, who their owners are, or how they came to be where they are. They are all part of the same family – canis lupus familiaris. They are dogs. And they know gratitude. Remember, gratitude leads to joy.
Maybe if we started to treat each other as part of the same family – humankind, and less like all of the labels that we attach to ourselves and to one another, we would be better able to operate from a place of gratitude and travel that path that leads to joy. Today, look beyond someone who is not like you and see and appreciate the human being who they are. Be thankful for the simple things in your life. And take that first step on the path to joy.
Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
I am in Louisiana. When I travel, I rarely sleep well. Last night was no exception. I awoke no fewer than half a dozen times, and actually had the same nightmare twice. I don’t really know what that means, but I will admit that it was a bit unnerving. And each time I woke up, I had difficulty falling back to sleep, be it a result of said nightmares or the fact that I had a million thoughts racing through my head.
So when my alarm went off this morning to get me up for mass, I was dazed and seriously considered just skipping it today. I mean I am traveling alone, certainly God has no expectation for me to drive to a church I don’t know in a town of which I am not familiar on a Wednesday morning. But I rolled out of bed, showered, got coffee, and went to mass.
I attended mass at St. Clement of Rome in Metairie, Louisiana today and I am so glad that I went. The readings have been from the Book of Jonah. Now I can’t say that I have really paid much attention to the Book of Jonah in the past, but right now, it’s really catching my attention. I mean, Jonah is really kind of jerk when you examine the readings. This is a guy who is mad because God is being merciful to the Ninevites. “Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry that God did not carry out the evil He threatened against Nineveh.” Wow!
The priest at St. Clement gave a wonderful homily on this reading today. He indicated Jonah was miserable and wanted everyone else to miserable with him. He was not grateful for all that Lord had done for him. He was so angry that God did not punish the Ninevites that had failed to see the mercy and grace that God had bestowed upon him as well. Father closed his homily by stating that “gratitude is the key to joy in this life.”
“Gratitude is the key to joy in this life”
-stated during the homily at St. Clement of Rome morning mass 10/9/19
So I don’t think it was any coincidence that when I left mass, I checked my “memories” of Facebook. Exactly one year ago this is what I wrote while traveling with the Reverend Mother in California.
I am wrapping up the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp, which I highly recommend. I am certain I will have finished it before this week ends. While reading this morning, I came across this one excerpt that has impacted me, “While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things because He knows that the feeling of joy begins with the action of thanksgiving.” Think about that for a moment and really let it sink in…joy begins with thanks.
Joy begins with thanks.
I have this quote written on a chalk board in my office that says “Before we ask God for anything, we must first thank Him for everything.” I wrote that down early in 2018, when my father was hospitalized and I discovered that my sister had cancer. The beginning of 2018 was a very trying time and I needed that reminder – to be thankful. It was a very difficult period and it was so easy to get angry and discouraged. I certainly didn’t see God’s plan or understand the purpose for those events. I needed to remind myself that I had so much for which to be grateful.
Watching a parent slowly die and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it makes you feel so helpless. Knowing that your sister is fighting a battle that you cannot comprehend makes you feel so small and insignificant. All I could do was pray. I prayed for healing and peace for my sister and I prayed for strength and recovery for my dad.
I remember the day I moved from praying for a full recovery for my dad to praying for a peaceful death. That was the hardest transition I think I may have ever made. I was trying desperately to find the goodness in his suffering. I was not in a place of thanksgiving. I was angry, I was frustrated, I was discouraged, I was questioning, I was depressed. It was not supposed to happen like this. But I continued to pray and in those moments of prayer, I felt a sense of peace, even if it was fleeting. Memories of wonderful times came rushing back to give me comfort.
One memory for which I am thankful, that very last game of gin that I got to play with my dad before he got so sick. It was a grudge match that went on forever. We played it on a hospital tray table at Trinity East where he was in rehab from his hip surgery. We talked and joked and laughed through the whole game. My mom was there too, which makes it even more special. It is a memory that I cherish and one of the last times that we really got to share quality time together.
While I miss him every day, I am thankful for all of the wonderful memories and all his sometimes humorous words of wisdom (especially when watching Wheel of Fortune – don’t buy a vowel, you dummy). And while my sister still has a long road ahead of her, I am grateful that she is on the road to recovery and has essentially beat cancer. But let’s be honest, cancer didn’t stand a chance because my sister is a bad ass.
Blessed Solanus Casey used to say “Thank God ahead of time.” I keep this in the forefront of everything. Today, take time to cherish those special memories that you hold deep in your heart and remember to thank God first. Gratitude is the path to joy. Thank you, Lord, for all that this day has in store.
Please Pray for me and I will continue to pray for you
Tattoos, Motorcycles, Beer, Bourbon and Faith 